Cast of Characters – Who’s Who

Lead Roles

The Boyf – Met at a charity games night and became besotted on the first date. He’s 34 (4 years older than me), works in IT, has a scary penchant for cheesy music, likes the limelight as much as I do, and we’re competitive over silly things like the Jawbreaker game. He’s the first guy I’ve ever gone out with who seems to accept me as I am and enjoy it and we’re very similar in a lot of ways putting us very in tune. He’s also the only guy I’ve gone out with that doesn’t have more baggage than an arrival terminal at Heathrow. A lots happened since we started going out and we now own a home together and are the proud parents to the bambino.

The Bambino – 16 weeks old at the time of updating this, she's our little Gizmo. She squeals, squirms, farts, gurgles, shuffles, screeches, kicks and attempts to pull my hair out and choke me with my own chain. She was a 'surprise' as I clearly didn't plan to get pregnant so soon but she is the most wonderful addition to our lives. The boyf and I are madly in love with her and are enjoying all that parenthood throws at us.

The Significant Ex's (have been mentioned in this blog)

The F*ckwit – Opinionated assclown doctor. A walking talking example of how clothes can disguise a fool until it opens its mouth. Great looking, shame about the verbal diarrhea and the worst BO in the world… After a couple of false starts we dated for a few weeks but it was long distance. I told him to beat it after he dared to lecture me on my disease and my choice to do acupuncture, not once, but twice. Oh and he's the only guy I ever dated that felt the need to reveal a crackhead and criminal family....

The Over-exuberant Puppy – We went out on a series of dates where he initially revealed that he still lived with his ex girlfriend. After a plausible story we continued to date but I had concerns about him being very quiet and shy, plus it took several dates for him to make a move. I made the mistake of inviting him back for dinner and he developed rogue willy syndrome and clambered all over me like an over-exhuberant puppy. I ended it pronto.

Dot Dot Dot Man – Formerly known as The Contender. He’s a friend of a friend and we got off to a brief flying start which seemed to have much promise. Unfortunately the live-in ex-girlfriend meant that he ran hot and cold. We edged around in nothingness for five months and then I amicably called it a day. We stayed friends and then he let Miss Brazil (a jealous female friend of his) be a total bitch to me on a night out. We’re still friends after clearing the air. Actually at the time of writing this we haven't spoken for almost a year...

Male Best Friend (MBF) – Ex-colleague and I used to think we were best friends but we wern't really. Fell for him as soon as I started working at my current company back in 2003 but unfortunately he had a girlfriend. He eventually broke my heart spectacularly when it became apparent that we were never going to ‘be’ because of his ‘situation’. He’s still with the girlfriend and he used to make bitchy comments about me and ‘the boyf’. We haven't spoken for over a year and over the past couple of years I realised that it wasn't love...it was just a very screwed up mess...

The Ex Fiance (Mr Brown Suit) – Pre blog days I was engaged for about 14 months of an 18 month relationship. I left him a year before I started the blog after we grew apart and had a series of spectacular fall outs. There have been a few occasions since starting the blog that we’ve bumped into each other or had some sort of ‘occurrence’ which have only sufficed to reaffirm that I made the right decision. Known by many of the readers as Mr Brown Suit as I once mentioned that he wore brown from head to foot. We don’t talk and it’s not because of any particular reason, it’s just life.

The Colleagues

PDot & MSlash – Whitest black people I know…not! Fancy themselves as gangsta rappers. We talk in silly voices and PDot tortures me with his toilet routine. We also call ourselves the A Team on our bank of desks (I’m BA Baracus) and we argue over who will go on the tea run, every single day. Both of them ‘big up’ themselves constantly…. At the time of writing this, PDot has absconded to another team (traitor) and now he's a big shot manager (I love him really...).

Q - Close friend and my saviour 2.5 days a week when I'm at work. Incredibly loud and she's not shy with her opinions. Has a habit of saying "Are you mugging me off?" all day long. It's dangerous when we're in a room together or around alcohol.

Barry from Eastenders (The Current Boss) – Clearly has his name because he looks like Barry... I'm thankful to be on maternity leave if only because I get to give my legs a rest from traisping in and out of meeting rooms all day for quick chats. He is an absorber of other peoples phrases which can be highly annoying when he tries to squeeze them into every sentence.

Vulture Boy - The slippery one has left now but he used to be Ex Boss/Bony Arse/Skeletors partner in crime. Possibly the easiest person I ever worked with. With M-Slash we talked about Michael Jackson and La-mays every day. He's all loved up now so I have to find a different name for him...

The Boss (now Ex Boss) – Speaks for itself. The flat arsed one that I used to call a ‘vulture’ for his constant woman chasing. I used to take the piss out of him all day long and he (jokingly) threatened future promotions. Fond of showing us his ‘guns’ which are his ‘pecks’ on a night out. Still good mates and he gave the bambino her favourite toy.

David Brent X 1 Million – My old boss who has also now left (Yes all people seem to do is leave....) One of the people I adore most in the world…and also the most hilariously inappropriate. They should do a fly on the wall documentary as he’d put the Ricky Gervais character to shame.

Small Mad Girl – Also left. Fellow blogger and professional pregnant woman. Has this fantastic pregnancy chuckle and pregnancy run. We still hang out but we have to talk louder to be heard over the kids...

Tina Turner – Also left. We used to hurl abuse at each other all the time and she’s been mad at me for ages for saying that she wears growler grazers/fanny skimmers. She proudly flaunts big Tina hair and has a great body which she has no problem displaying for a night out… I think the bro fancies her...

John – B’s boyfriend (see The Girls). I named him after his twin brother just to annoy him. We bicker like children and he’s a know-it-all that used to talk about the size of his willy all the time.

The Girls

M & MB – Made friends with them five years ago when I lived in their building with Mr Brownsuit. M is my cohort and dancing partner. She is the sensible one out of the group but quietly sarcastic. MB loves MJ and Hammertime moves as much as I do. Very loud and opinionated and great fun. They’re like the older sisters I never had.

B – Colleague and close friend from up t’North in Newcastle. We have consumed copious amounts of alcohol together and these days we take it in turns to accuse each other of neglect now that we are ‘settled’ with our respective boyfriends. B goes out with John who is also a colleague.

Nac – Best flat mate ever, also from up t’North in Hull. In her thirties but looks about 20. We laugh loud and wickedly together and say bad swear words to make ourselves feel better. One of my closest friends, we’ve stuck together through thick and thin.

Jez – Honourary big sister that lives in the US. Been friends since I was 19 and spent the summer in Baltimore getting drunk every night. Loved by my whole family, we all went wild when she visited the last time. We stayed with her and Crazy Bitch, her chihuahua.

The Family

Ma – My beloved mum who moved to London from Dublin in August 06. She’s me multiplied by a million with a more flighty temperament. Brilliant piss taker and often makes herself the subject of jokes inadvertently when she gets names mixed up or tries to use big words. Once described herself as Caucasian to a room full of white people in Dublin. Strong figure head of the family, we don’t always see eye to eye but have become closer over the last few years.

The Bro – 18 months younger than me and I sometimes forget that I’m the older one. Emotional, flighty character like my mother. Sharp, bitchy tongue and brilliant at piss taking. We were like twins when were little and whilst we are far more independent as adults, we remain close. He lives in London too and works in fashion so he keeps me in free clothes. Hasn’t had a girlfriend for years but insists he wants to settle down.

The Boys – I have a 21 year old bro that lives in Dublin and only speaks to us when he needs something or wants to argue. Little Bro will be 18 this year and lives with my ma and the bro. He's everyone’s dote and he’s cheeky but a shy mummy’s boy. Used to have lots of time for me but I came home one day and found a teenager that hangs out with youths. I give him sex education advice when I see him and I warn him about girls who only want him for a brown baby.

The Dads – My birth father lives up in Wolverhampton where I don’t go for enough visits. Used to run a pub where he warned fellas to stay away from me. My step-dad, (they are now divorced) lives in Papua New Guinea. He didn't waste much time remarrying his long time girlfriend who we call his Lady Friend. I also have two step-sisters, oh sorry...make that three... My dad sprung a 14 year old sibling on me in August 2006....

Other peeps that get mentioned

Male NML & his girlfriend T - Went to uni with the boyf and now we're all really good friends and they have a baby too. Male NML thinks that he is the king of MJ moves. It's like being around me when he's around...minus the interest in porn...

Daddy G - My ma's boyfriend. They make us feel old as they behave like teenagers....

Updated September 22nd 2007