Cast of Characters – Who’s Who

Love Interests – The Significants

The Boyf – My first proper boyfriend for almost three years! Met at a charity games night and became besotted on the first date. He’s 33 (4 years older than me), works in IT, has a scary penchant for cheesy music, likes the limelight as much as I do and we’re competitive over silly things like the Jawbreaker game. He’s the first guy I’ve ever gone out with who seems to accept me as I am and enjoy it and we’re very similar in a lot of ways putting us very in tune. He’s also the first guy I’ve gone out with that doesn’t have more baggage than an arrival terminal at Heathrow. Definitely a keeper!

The F*ckwit – Opinionated assclown doctor. A walking talking example of how clothes can disguise a fool until it opens its mouth. Great looking, shame about the verbal diarrhea and the worst BO in the world… After a couple of false starts we dated for a few weeks but it was long distance. I told him to beat it after he dared to lecture me on my disease and my choice to do acupuncture, not once, but twice. Oh and he's the only guy I ever dated that felt the need to reveal a crack and criminal family....

The Over-exuberant Puppy – We went out on a series of dates where he initially revealed that he still lived with his ex girlfriend. After a plausible story we continued to date but I had concerns about him being very quiet and shy, plus it took several dates for him to make a move. I made the mistake of inviting him back for dinner and he developed rogue willy syndrome and clambered all over me like an over-exhuberant puppy. I ended it pronto.

Dot Dot Dot Man – Formerly known as The Contender. He’s a friend of a friend and we got off to a brief flying start which seemed to have much promise. Unfortunately the live-in ex-girlfriend meant that he ran hot and cold. We edged around in nothingness for five months and then I amicably called it a day. We stayed friends and then he let Miss Brazil (a jealous female friend of his) be a total bitch to me on a night out. We’re still friends after clearing the air.

Male Best Friend (MBF) – Colleague and close friend (just about). Fell for him as soon as I started working at my current company almost three years ago but unfortunately he had a girlfriend. He eventually broke my heart spectacularly when it became apparent that we were never going to ‘be’ because of his ‘situation’. He’s still with the girlfriend and he makes bitchy comments about me and ‘the boyf’. Oh dear…

The Ex Fiance (Mr Brown Suit) – Pre blog days I was engaged for about 14 months of an 18 month relationship. I left him a year before I started the blog after we grew apart and had a series of spectacular fall outs. There have been a few occasions since starting the blog that we’ve bumped into each other or had some sort of ‘occurrence’ which have only sufficed to reaffirm that I made the right decision. Known by many of the readers as Mr Brown Suit as I mentioned that he wore brown from head to foot. We don’t talk and it’s not because of any particular reason, it’s just life.

The Colleagues

PDot & MSlash – Whitest black people I know…not! Fancy themselves as gangsta rappers. We talk in silly voices and PDot tortures me with his toilet routine. We also call ourselves the A Team on our bank of desks (I’m BA Baracus) and we argue over who will go on the tea run, every single day. Both of them ‘big up’ themselves constantly….

The Boss – Speaks for itself. The flat arsed one that I used to call a ‘vulture’ for his constant woman chasing. I take the piss out of him all day long and he (jokingly) threatens future promotions. Fond of showing us his ‘guns’ which are his ‘pecks’ on a night out.

David Brent X 1 Million – My old boss that works two floors above me. One of the people I adore most in the world…and also the most hilariously inappropriate. They should do a fly on the wall documentary as he’d put the Ricky Gervais character to shame.

Small Mad Girl – Fellow blogger and professional pregnant woman. Has this fantastic pregnancy chuckle and pregnancy run. Also a member of the A Team and not shy about telling it how it is. On maternity leave at the moment.

Tina Turner – We hurl abuse at each other all year long and she’s been mad at me for ages for saying that she wears growler grazers/fanny skimmers. She proudly flaunts big Tina hair and has a great body which she has no problem displaying for a night out…

AA – Used to be the guy I ‘managed’. Now he has been set free. Highly entertaining character who courts more disaster than Michael Barrymore.

Girth – One of my favourite colleagues from another team who is fantastically bitchy and sarcastic. He named himself Girth but I cannot vouch for the authenticity of his name. Looks like Ryan Giggs with a shaven head.

John – B’s boyfriend (see The Girls). I named him after his twin brother just to annoy him. We bicker like children and he’s a know-it-all that talks about the size of his willy all the time.

The Girls

M & MB – Made friends with them almost four years ago when I lived in their building with Mr Brownsuit. M is my cohort and dancing partner. We went to Egypt last year and cried with laughter for most of the holiday. She is the sensible one out of the group but quietly sarcastic. MB loves MJ and Hammertime moves as much as I do. Very loud and opinionated and great fun. They’re like the older sisters I never had.

B – Colleague and close friend from up t’North in Newcastle. We have consumed copious amounts of alcohol together and these days we take it in turns to accuse each other of neglect now that we are ‘settled’ with our respective boyfriends. B goes out with John who is also a colleague.

Nac – Best flat mate ever, also from up t’North in Hull. In her thirties but looks about 20. We laugh loud and wickedly together and say bad swear words to make ourselves feel better. One of my closest friends, we’ve stuck together through thick and thin.

The Family

Ma – My beloved mum who lives in Dublin. She’s me multiplied by a million with a more flighty temperament. Brilliant piss taker and often makes herself the subject of jokes inadvertently when she gets names mixed up or tries to use big words. Once described herself as Caucasian to a room full of white people in Dublin. Strong figure head of the family, we don’t always see eye to eye but have become much closer over the last few years.

The Bro – 18 months younger than me and I sometime forget that I’m the older one. Emotional, flighty character like my mother. Sharp, bitchy tongue and brilliant at piss taking. We were like twins when were little and whilst we are far more independent as adults, we remain close. He lives in London too and worksin fashion so he keeps me in free clothes. Hasn’t had a girlfriend for years but insists he wants to settle down.

The Boys – 16 and 20 year old bro’s that live in Dublin with ma. The twenty year old barely says two words to anyone and we all argue with him when we’re together. The 16 year old is everyone’s dote and he’s cheeky but a shy mummy’s boy. Used to have lots of time for me but I came home one day and found a teenager that hangs out with youths. I give him sex education advice when I see him and I worn both boys about girls who only want them for a brown baby.

The Dads – My birth father lives up in Wolverhampton where I don’t go for enough visits and he runs a pub where he warns fella’s to stay away from me. My step-dad, (my parents are divorcing) lives in China. Has a girlfriend who we refer to as the lady friend for the past five years.

Updated May 22nd