PMT - Here We Go Again

I've been a bit of a stroppy cow today and I haven't decided if it's because I have PMT or just because I'm genuinely annoyed with aspects of my life. B and I had a good moan this morning about life in general and of course, work. I guess most people unless their seriously loaded, feel overworked and underpaid!

I suspect it is PMT though because I feel a bit restless, bogged down and just downright p*ssed off. My head feels foggy and I don't feel as if I am being productive even though I have been busy all day. The tube was hideously crowded this morning and I had to smell the most God-awful breath I have smelt for a while and I think it just set me off and put me in a foul humour.

Why didn't the bloody man brush his teeth? Why do people have to breathe directly in my face?

I apologised about 10 times to the guy I 'manage' as I was a bit snappy with him. Honestly though, sometimes I feel like I have to eat, sh*t and breathe for people. Whatever happened to initiative? Bless him though, he took my sniping in his stride and became very helpful towards the end of the day. Just think, my mood could have been vastly improved if he had been helpful from the beginning of the day. (Yes I know I'm being horrible)

The 20 year old that feels like he will be permanently young asked, 'Are you feeling down because you're 27 and you haven't got a man?' I think the narrowing of my eyes and the gritted teeth made him back off. Why do people assume that a woman's happiness stems from whether or not she is attached to a man?

Don't get me wrong. When I meet a nice guy I'll be pleased but my happiness doesn't hang on it currently, and I do believe that people should be happy with themselves and not look to someone else to fill a void and encompass them.

I am very tense today though so maybe having a boyfriend could have been helpful there, but I think I'm just having a doom and gloom mood which will probably be forgotten about by tomorrow!

I died in the Sims 2 on Tuesday night, and my husband died last night. We both died of old age. He remarried a gold digger and was quite happy and randy before he keeled over. I'm a bit annoyed about that because he was a bit miserable with me before I died! Silly bastard! My twin children have both married and there are some babies on the way. Oh and the gold digger has remarried aswell and is pregnant by her smuggler husband. God, it's like Dallas or something!

Just Say No to B.O. & Bad Breath

Red Hot Monkey Lovin had me in stitches laughing. She (I'm pretty sure they are female) was unfortunate enough to be around a man who smelled of far too many things that would have rendered me incapable of doing any work!

There is no excuse for leaving home smelly funky whatever your sex. When people go out, there is no need for me to smell: urine, pooh, B.O., sex, cum, stale food, or anything else which makes any normal persons stomach churn a little!

I have been on public transport and there has been the distinct smell of sh*t. Unless you're about 5 years old there is no excuse for not wiping your bum properly. They say 'Once a man, twice a child' but when it comes to men and their quirky little habits, it's hard to distinguish between a man and a child.

Remember the trouble I had with the housemate who couldn't stop pissing all over the seat ?

Not showering after sex and heading out for a days work or for several hours is just plain rank. I don't need to know what someone has been doing minutes beforehand, and aside from that, it's poor hygiene!

I am going to tell you all something very, very horrible. When I was about 20 my friend pulled a bloke and I inadvertently got left with his friend. He was ok but I wasn't looking for anything to happen and when I tried to make my escape, he took his cue to go for the kill and tried to snog me. The brief moments that we did snog my brain and senses were stunned by what I felt I was tasting - This man tasted like he had been going down! Holy sh*t!

I remember reeling away from him and pushing him away as he tried to make further advances. I know my face had registered complete disgust and I felt like heaving! He asked me what was wrong and I said, 'Let's just say that I'm not feeling the taste of you right now!'. I was too embarrassed to say what he actually tasted of, but his instant red face meant that I didn't have to say anything else. Despite the fact that it was no more than a few seconds, I scrubbed my teeth and gargled like my life depended on it!

Sometimes I get really embarrassed when a guys breath literally smells like sh*t. If I know the person it takes serious restraint for me not to heave or cover my nose, but if I'm on public transport, I don't care! I will cover my nose and mouth! What do you do when someone you know has breath that could knock out Mike Tyson? Do you say something?

The other source of debate recently has been that my male friends claim that when a woman goes down on them and then tries to kiss them after she has swallowed, that this is disgusting. But when they go down on a woman they expect her to taste it?

I have said it time, and time, and time again. Men.Are.Strange.

Apparently women like the taste of themselves. Oh, do we?

Mum, I pray you are not reading this today!

Weird man moment of the day. My colleague that's a bit of a hit with the ladies (0r so he likes to portray himself) had a call today from a mystery lady who wouldn't leave a message when I picked up his phone. Fortunately for him she called back and he arranged to meet her. What's so odd about this? He has no idea who he is meeting. He actually said, "How f*cking rude is that? She just called up and said 'Hi. It's me.' " He thinks that she is one of two women that he gave his number to last week, and he thinks he knows their names.

Why didn't he say, 'Er, sorry who is this?' Why is he meeting someone who he evidently doesn't know? The fact that she called in that manner makes me think that she thinks that they are on familiar terms. Maybe my friend needs to stop dipping his wick in so many places, if he can't remember where he's visiting........

Dirty Date Clarification

I must clarify especially for Lee Lee who wanted to know who the hell set me up with my date. My date used to work with my friend of mine a very long time ago. They have stayed in touch over the years and he pops in to see her as he lives closeby. She doesn't know him in the dating sense and doesn't know any of his exes. He has always been flirty but polite, and definitely gave no indication of his dirty side.

Naturally I was not impressed with her on Sunday, particularly as my first outing with him probably wouldn't have been anywhere near as bad as it was if she had come along like she was supposed to. Everybody thinks that she tried to play matchmaker but she is one of those people that cancels out on things a lot, so last Saturday was no exception! She plans to give him a telling off when she speaks to him next and she knows that she owes me big time!

I don't think that I will be going out with any more 'recommendations' because experience has taught me that the attributes of my date are either grossly exaggerated or completely unnoted. Some of my friends could be done for violations of the trade descriptions act.

I don't look for men and my date at the weekend further confirms that I will meet someone when I'm supposed to. I could have been on a night out with my mates/watching Law & Order/playing the addictive Sims 2 !

Did I mention that I am completely addicted to this game? I have had far more success with my lovelife in the gaming world and have got married and had twins who are now teenagers. My husband never recovered from the exhausting times when the kids were babies and after getting demoted from his vice presidential job at a business, he is now an athlete. Fortunately he's retiring soon so he can just stay home with me (I'm an elder/retired already) and we can have lots of sex in our love tub. Fake life is good!

My boss drove me around the bend today because he kept asking me questions every few minutes. He's my manager - surely he should know everything? Isn't that why he gets paid more than me?

Then the guy I 'manage' was stressing me out by showing his lack of listening skills. It was a very testing day. I am expected to be a mind reader by this guy and he was really pushing my patience!

Body Odour

Sometimes I want to scream to vent my frustration at work and today was definitely one of those times. I am going through a phase at work where I feel like I am continuously behind and my boss keeps piling on more to my workload. With it being a Monday I wanted to curl into a ball and close my eyes and wake up with it being Friday 5.30pm.

Two strange encounters happened to me on the tube today. A man sat beside me and smelt of the most awful B.O. that I have smelt for a while. Now I mean overwhelming, stomach churning, almost expect to see flies coming off him type of B.O. and he was dressed quite smartly. I suffered 2 stops of his stench and when he finally got up to get off I breathed a massive sigh of relief.

So imagine my disgust when a man sits down on the other side of me smelling like he had just had sex! Now either my nose is too sensitive or he didn't bother to wash himself properly. I'm embarrassed to admit it but it was that distinct smell of someone who had just shot his load. Yeuch! He smiled at me and I prayed that my facial expression didn't give away my thoughts, but he was grinning like a cheshire cat everytime I stole a glance at him, so I doubt he sensed my thoughts. Probably too caught up reminiscing about whatever he had just done!

I told them all about my date on Saturday night which has resulted in a lot of pisstaking, especially from my boss. I knew to expect this and to be honest I find the whole episode quite funny.

The 20 year old colleague that I've mentioned before because he thinks that he has romance and relationships cornered, actually took me aside and told me that I'm a lovely girl and that he is disgusted that I have spent time with that imbecile and that I am worthy of so much more. Quite sweet really!

I gave my mum a sketchy version of events and I could hear her tutting down the line! I think she's worried that I would go on second date with the guy but she needn't worry as I'm not in any danger of that!

Sh*t! B just text me about the OC, which I had completely forgotten was on!

Dirty Date

Why did the guy I went on a date with last night think that it was ok to talk dirty to me? Why do these things happen to me? I'm sure I don't have 'Talk dirty to me' written all over my forehead!

Last night I met up with the guy that my friend introduced me to last weekend. Whilst I actually did have a good laugh, I suspect that I won't be seeing him again. I don't claim to be an angel and I certainly know how to talk dirty with the best of them and tell a mean dirty joke, but I don't like men who talk about screwing me before they have even had a proper conversation with me!

The words 'c*ck' and 'p*ssy' were mentioned on several occasions and I know I cringed. Something about the 'c*ck' word sounds so pornographic. When I repeated a couple of things he said, he told me that hearing those words with my voice excited him!

To be honest I was tempted to tell him to get lost and head off home, but being the bitch I am, I thought it was far more entertaining to stay out and show him just how bad I can be, without getting naked. I think what caught him off guard was my ability to take the complete and utter piss out of him and to hit back with a barbed comment every time he talked dirty. I was sure I was going to have another PC Plod experience and accidentally offend him, but he managed to survive the date.

Because we met up so late (long story but we were supposed to be going to a club with a few people), we went for a drive and then had something to eat. I would never expect to be taken to a place like this under normal circumstances, but because it was late at night we had very limited choices, but lets just say kebabs were on the menu!

I told him that I'm not a late night eater so I didn't want anything too big, which was his cue to tell me that he had a huge willy. I told him I prefer them so small you can barely see them so he'd better drop me home.

Funny moment of the date was when he was filling up the car at the petrol station and I looked out the window to see him tucking himself in and doing his belt up. Seemingly, he thought I wouldn't see him from where I was sitting in the passenger seat! Strange! It's not everyday I see a crotch in the window!

Apparently I pass his big tits test which is a prerequisite for any date he goes on, but I fail on the age test because he's 34 and I'm 27. I told him that he doesn't meet any of my requirements so neither one of us need be disappointed! That shut him up for a bit!

All in all, I did have a nice time but I'm not very comfortable around somebody who blatantly wants to get my pants down. I feel like our conversations were his way of passing time until he could literally find a way in! He asked if he could come up for coffee and I told him that: 1) I don't have coffee, 2)Nobody comes up for tea or coffee. It's just a front for sex, and 3)I'm not the kind of woman that will let you in on the first date.

As my mum is probably going to read this, I will be nice and say that he told me how excited he was by me (read between the lines) and how he didn't think he was going to be able to make it home. I told him to go home and play with himself or watch some porn! He asked for a kiss and I left him with one on the cheek and got out of the car. As I walked to my door I bumped into 3 guys on their way home from a night out who proceeded to chat me up. I didn't dare look to see what his facial expression was like!

Another one bites the dust then! He has text me a couple of times today but I've told him I'm cleansing myself after his filthy talk so we can't meet up!

After a date like that I could feel pesimistic about meeting men but I don't think that it's worth the energy. I had a good time and it's all about the experience. I know I'm going to make my boss choke on his breakfast when I tell him about this one!

Big Holes, Dry Humping & Limp Biscuits

It's all about karma really. I knock someone in the balls with my big DKNY handbag on Wednesday, and I get tripped up by a man as I'm trying to get off at Oxford Circus yesterday morning. The imbecile didn't seem to know what the frig he was doing and whilst he was faffing I tripped over him, stumbled, steadied myself but rammed my heel through my beautiful patterned black tights. This wasn't even a ladder it was a great big bloody hole.

I have now transferred to my autumn/winter uniform of skirt and heels so I had to walk to work trying not to look conspicuous with the great big hole showing. I'm sure if I lived in America I could have sued the guy.

We all went out for B's birthday last night and everybody was really drunk except for me of course because I can't drink.

One of my colleagues from another department had a bit too much to drink and he was dancing with me as if I was a lapdance pole. I actually flushed with embarrassment several times while he danced with me, or should I say dry humped me. I was mortified. On one hand it was funny, but after he'd been doing it to me on and off for half an hour I was frightened of being on the dancefloor or even being in his vicinity. I told him he should consider a job as a lapdancer and he thought it was really funny, but I was actually being serious. He actually shook his arse cheeks against my thigh whilst I was sitting on a bar stool for a good minute or so. Beyonce has nothing on this guy. To be honest, it was all a bit camp.

The guy I 'manage' is a bit of a ladies man and the guys love it. He's had sex with 2 women in the past week and he seems to have a nack for picking up the ladies. He got quite wasted last night and literally stared at all the women all night. One of his women called and he went back for a booty call but he wasn't going full throttle because he'd had too much to drink. Dear oh dear! If I was that girl I would have put him out! No point coming around on half mast for a booty call!

Two of the guys are talking about going on holiday together. It will be like Ho's On Tour. I can't wait to hear all the scandal and trust me there will be. Wherever they go they had better alert the tourist boards of their destination! I don't think there will be any limp willy's on that holiday!

My boss was being a wise owl today and said we should try to avoid: Long distance relationships and relationships where you have to pay for sex. This is advice from the man who has only ever been with one woman and thinks he's a lady killer because he was a playa when he was about 15! He's been on point this week and has made me laugh quite hard. He watched The Office boxset last weekend and you could tell because he was even more ridiculous than ever! I'm sure they based the David Brent character on him and then watered it down!

I will have confirmation about my date tomorrow. Hmmmmmmm...

It's All About Balls

I'm going to make this one of my flying visits as I have a whopper of a headache. It must be from spending my evening b*tching, I mean catching up with my uni girls. Lots of storytelling and reminiscing, which has been topped off with the great news that one of them is pregnant. I won't say who though as she is 8 weeks and I don't want to jinx it and let the people that know of her, know before she tells them!

I walloped a guy in the balls with my handbag today purely by accident as I got off the tube at Euston. It was one of those situations where everybody was pushing to get off and as a result the poor guys nuts got charged with my large, leather DKNY bag which I seem to carry the world in. I'm one of these women that thinks she needs a lot of stuff in her bag! I couldn't even apologise to the poor guy because everybody was being pushed along the platform!

I've had Mister Bachelor post a comment regarding the closure I talked about a few nights ago. Funny guy with an interesting view on women. I like him because he's funny but he does epitomise a lot of the things that make women feel so frustrated with men. I guess he is championing the men, whilst I champion the women.

He feels that a woman would be regarded as 'courageous and independent' if she dumped a man by text. I don't think that most women would do that and she certainly wouldn't be regarded as being the above by her female peers. We do tend to face things like this head on as species, probably because we like drama. What story would we have to tell if we dumped a man by text?

Admittedly I'm a bit naughty but only with guys I've been on one or two dates with and then they get carried away and next thing they're phoning and texting all the time. I'm ridiculous in that I haven't found a middle ground for saying adios. I either wuss out and dodge the calls and texts until they get the hint, or I'm a total b*tch (I normally reserve this tactic for the long-term boyfriends!).

I must however agree with Mister Bachelor that "closure is nothing more than a synonym for 'I miss you and I want to argue some more' " But women probably wouldn't feel the need to do this if men ended it properly in the first place ! A lot of men could stand to grow some balls when it comes to the ending relationship process!

Right I'm off to bed as I'm out for B's birthday tomorrow night and I need my beauty sleep!

Average Men Revisited

It's amazing how wearing a skirt above the knee can draw attention from men. I'm wearing knee high boots but it's very much a work outfit. One of the guys (we call him a vulture actually) stopped me and said that I couldn't wear a short skirt like the one I'm wearing because vultures will circle. Next thing, his other vulture friend is out of his seat running round to have a look. It's just a skirt. It's not even very short, although it has been trying very hard to be since my arse got bigger and is dragging it upwards.

True to form I walked out of the office and a big gust of wind caused it to blow up but luckily I caught it! I am not an exhibitionist contrary to opinion, just very clumsy!

I am about to leave work and this guy who is very much a d*ckhead is playing the most awful music out of his PC with no regard for the remaining few in the office. He's one of these guys with 'Short Man Syndrome', 'Chip on the Shoulder Syndrome', and 'Average Joe Syndrome' - A very heavy burden to carry. He's worked in our department for just over 2 days and managed to p*ss off lots of people. He's just unbelieveably obnoxious. You do get men like this though that think to themselves, 'I'm short. Oh I know, I'll be a pr*ck to everyone!', as if this will compensate for his lack of height.

Many women have complained about this and most recently one of those women was my mother. She dated a guy who she says she would not normally have gone for in the looks department. For some sort of misguided reason she thought that he would be a much nicer guy because he was average looking. Big mistake. Looks are not the be all and everything in a mans behavior. The difference is in how much a woman will put up with. When the average man starts to p*ss her off, a woman will suddenly jump on all the average things about him and ditch him. There won't be as much leeway given to him as an above average guy.

Some of my closest friends have been embroiled in long running sagas with good looking men. The moral of the story: Don't be superficial. Men are men no matter what they look like, which means they're still annoying. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that a guy will be 'grateful' because he's got you. He won't be. Once he's got you, the ego inflates! He's no longer 'average'!

I'm off home. I'm sick of this office!

Monday Monday

Anybody who's read this blog on a regular enough basis knows that I'm not keen on Mondays. Today was no exception.

I spent my morning at the hospital having my 3 month check up (I've got a weird immune system disorder for which I take steroids for a year). I had to do a blood test and it was one of those classic situations where I blatantly knew more than the guy but he wouldn't admit to it. Typical! I hate needles like a lot of people but having small veins (apparently) doesn't make the process any easier. About 6 months ago female nurse used this great thing called a butterfly needle on me which is normally used for kids. My past 2 visits have been with male nurses and each time I ask for the needle they act like they don't know what I'm talking about and tell me I have no choice. Muppets! So I got a female nurse to correct him as I was going. That shut him up!

When I got to work during lunch it seems that the saga with my colleague that went on a date last week has deepened. He now wants the girl he slept with on the first date. Why? Because he met up with his ex who played him like a sucker and used and abused him. Now all of a sudden the girl from the date seems great. When will he learn, eh?

Went for a quick drink after work with B and the lads. Our friend John who's a bit of a ladies man was out. It seems that despite his dubious past with the ladies he doesn't consider himself sleazy in anyway, but regards people who do lesser things than him as sleazy. Hmmmm. I do wonder at his logic. Oh that's right, it's male logic and male pride.

To add insult to injury B and I wisecracked that we had talked about starting our business one night when we were out and he pissed himself laughing. It's a moments like that when I feel like he's begging to have his head kicked in.

I am dashing off because I got the Sims 2 game today and I am hooked.

Looking for Closure

Ah, the weekend is almost over and work beckons once again tomorrow. It hasn't been a crazy weekend and I've spent most of it catching up with various friends over dinner. No raving this weekend unfortunately! Actually, the days when I used to go out dancing all weekend, every weekend are well and truly over.

This week is looking quite busy though and I am cringing already at how knackered I'm going to be by Thursday.

Closure seems to be the name of the game for some of my closest friends at the moment. The one who's having marital strife wants the closure in most respects, but is afraid of what closure may mean. It's not easy to walk away from a marriage and when you do, you want to know that it's the right thing to do.

And then there's Nac, who went out with the guy who likes to break up via text message . It's over now and the poor thing is heartbroken. It makes me want to go out there and kneecap him! They got back together for a while but have decided it's best to go their separate ways but the poor thing is wounded. I only want what's best for her and for her to be happy. I'm not sure if it can happen with him because he epitomises those extreme male traits where he can't seem to dig into his emotions. Women need a man who can at least dig a little. It shows that there's a heart in there! It would be ideal if she got swept off her feet by another man (that has some depth to his emotions) as they say that the best way to get over a man is to get on top of another!

I may have a date with a friend of a friend. Let's just wait and see!

Oh, I almost forgot, B and I have discovered that a relatively new colleague has been on a date with a fairly eligible guy at work. Seems like there is a bit of competition for the very small pond of men at work. B wanted to know what this woman has that we don't. I told her that it would help our plight if most of the males at the office didn't believe that we were involved with our 2 closest male friends. Our office loves to gossip and speculate. I haven't the energy to correct them. It's not as if I work with a load of stunning, eligible men after all! There are no more than 5 good looking men at work. There are 300 people working in my office. Even if you said that it was 50:50 males and females, that's absolutely crap.

I've hinted at my boss to hire good looking husband/boyfriend material type guys but I don't think he wants to get done for sexual discrimination. He hasn't got ther greatest taste either so I'm not sure about leaving mine and B's fate in his hands!

Men Work on Double Standards

Why is it that when a man sleeps with a woman on the first date, the woman is seen as promiscuous and the man is seen as, well, a man?

The saga continues with my colleague that went on a first date with a woman on Wednesday and they slept together that night. He has completely lost interest in her. He defended his position by saying that he felt that things were happening far too fast. I asked him what he would have done if she had said, 'You have 2 choices. We can go and do pottery at this cafe that you have suggested, or you can come back to mine and I'll shag you.' He said he would have shagged her.?????????????

Apparently when a man is offered it to him on a plate he will almost always take it. It's sex after all.

Men still get a kick out of it when a woman offers them the opportunity for sex. It is very difficult it seems for them to turn down sex. This is because it doesn't happen very often unless your a singer/movie star/very loaded. Women are always being come onto by men. This has been happening since we were in our teens so it really doesn't make us jump in delight when we get propositioned. In fact, mentally we're probably thinking 'F*ck off' the majority of the time.

Do the litmus test and ask some men how many women have made eyes at them this week, chatted them up, or propositioned them for sex, and the answer will be zero, or a very low number. Ask most women and they can probably speak of a few encounters. It's just how the world works!

Naturally all of the guys back my colleague. Their answer. 'He's realised that she's just not his kind of girl'. It's a shame he didn't realise that before he had sex with her. Oh that's right - He liked her until she gave it up!

Bloody men!

On a more pleasant note, my first outing with my iPOD was pure bliss. Sad, but true. Tube journeys are back to normal. Yippee!

First Date No No, & The iPOD is back!

My colleague went on his first date with this woman he knew from way-back last night. This is the same guy that wanted to take her to paint pottery on the first date. Well, he to her house for the first date and whilst he didn't come out straight and admit it, I think he got busy last night. And surprise, surprise, he's lost interest. He thinks that she may be like Glenn Close and a bit of a bunny boiler. It all seems to be moving a bit too fast for him, he says. Did he decide this before or after he pulled his willy out? I know it takes two to tango, but it's very silly behavior on his part, and I don't even know what to think in regards to the woman.

They talk about this independent woman mallarky and how we can have sex like men, ie free and easy with no conscience, but I know it doesn't work like that. Women have sex with emotion so being the sexual equivalent to a male is always going to be a bit of a struggle, unless the woman's a ball-buster with some extra testosterone!

I suspect that he is going to avoid her like the plague. I'm torn between feeling sorry for her and feeling that you reap what you sow. At least if you're going to sleep with someone on the first date, be realistic with yourself and recognise the fact that it may be for one night only.

On more pleasant notes, it was gloriously peaceful without my boss today who is celebrating his Jewish New Year. I didn't take the opportunity to slack off but actually had quite a busy day! Much as I get on with him and love his sense of humour, sometimes I just don't want to hear his voice or his opinions!

On an even more pleasant note, my iPOD is back! Someone out there likes me, or someone out there read this blog (joking!), or maybe they realised they were taking the piss out of me and they were pushing my rage buttons. Either way, I don't care and the love affair is back on. It's been reformatted, 1700 songs have been loaded on, and it's charging up for our morning date tomorrow. Yes I know I may sound a little crazy, but a woman must have some pleasures! All has been forgiven. Welcome back my precious iPOD!

Quite a few of my attached friends have recently become single. Maybe my cynicism is catching? Or maybe men really are as tiring as I make them out to be?

No iPOD, Boys, and Live Cosmetic Surgery

I need to get this off my chest. Apple have now had my iPOD for 5 weeks. Let me say that again but with emphasis. Those bast*rds Apple have had the iPOD I paid £250 for 3 months ago. It is a complete and utter p*sstake and I am unbelievably annoyed and even more so disappointed.

When the iPOD and I first parted ways for it to go to the repair centre I was gutted. When it stopped working it was like the end of a beautiful affair and I felt abandoned and bereft. My boring old Sony CD-Man that I used to love has not had a look in. It's just not the same.

I have no idea when the bloody replacement is going to be sent to me as apparently there is a massive backlog. I am sorely tempted to telephone the thieving gypo's and tell them I want my money back.

I don't believe that electrical goods that have be owned for 2 months and cost £250 should go on the blink. It doesn't make me feel confident about the mighty Apple's products. Rant over.

I got home at 6.20pm and decided to lie down for an hour because I had a whopper of a headache and woke up just after 10.15pm. I have slept my way through another Wednesday evening!

I would like to say it's because I have been working hard (which I'm sure I have. Don't we all work hard!?'), but I think it's because the men were being extra-childish today at work. I love a laugh as much as the next but sometimes it's like a playground. Yes I know we're all adults ranging from 20 to 37 but you'd be surprised at how crazy things can get in our office. It must be because we work in advertising.

Sometimes, when they're sh*tting on about the football, and which team should or shouldn't have won whatever cup, and who has the best players on the fantasy team, or who has the best relationship, or who is the local stud, I just want to curl into a ball and go to sleep. I'm not adverse to watching football, but how much mileage can you possibly get from talking about it every day. I think men talk about it to avoid having to make any real conversation of any depth. One big ego contest lets rip every day. Mondays after the weekend football are admittedly the worst.

Now brace yourselves. Last night I saw a woman having her vagina tightened live on Channel 5 . It was revolting. It looked like a flipping turkey neck and on several occasions I came close to throwing up everywhere. The woman had had 2 kids and felt a bit loose. The things that women will do! I was speaking to Nac on the phone while it was on and she was completely shocked. We also saw some idiotic woman getting her arse bleached (????), a man having his bum augmented to get it to look like JLo's (ridiculous), and countless weirdo Brit body parts being sent by mobile phone to be subjected for advice on cosmetic surgery. Sometimes I have to wonder about the state of the world. Have we nothing better to do than be completely and utterly ridiculous?

I think that all of these actions have taken place because women and men are trying to please each other. Women in particular are afraid of losing their men which is why they put bouncy objects in their breasts and bums, and put the knife to the face. I'm not saying that men don't have cosmetic surgery or that they don't share some of our insecurities, but it's still majority women that go under the knife.

I am categorically stating now that I will never go under the knife. Mind you, after watching the vagina tightening, I'm not sure if I will be able to push a baby out of mine. The overhang was horrific!

I Hate to Say It, But What a D*ck...

I heard a few interesting nuggets of information today and each gives an insight into the strange workings of the male brain.

I am always fascinated by the human interplay of the dog in a manger theory. Man and woman get together, have a relationship (doesn't matter about length or strength), man and woman go their separate ways. Sometimes man and woman get together for old times sake. Man has also dated and God only knows done what else with numerous women since they parted ways. Why is the man (or should I say boy since he's being so childish?) annoyed when another man, albeit an acquaintance of his, who doesn't know the history, makes a pass at the woman? Hate to say it, but what a d*ck!

Maybe I'm biased because it's my mate B, but she deserves better than someone who's more fickle than a 4 year old in a playground.

Then there's the guy who seems to think he knows it all because he's 20, in a long-term relationship, and us 'older' people aren't. He actually thinks that he has some sort of relationship prowess that is eluding us 20-something geriatrics! He probably won't even remember his current girlfriends name this time next year. Hate to say it, but what a d*ck.

Then there's the guy I 'manage'. It seems he has a date with a girl he first met years ago at school. He's really worried because he thinks that she's above him because she's so stunning. I thought it was only women that think like that? The odd thing is and I happily pointed it out to him, is that I doubt that him thinking that he has struck it lucky will make him behave any better in a relationship. As I've pointed out before, an average guy can be as much headache as a man with lots of dough and all the things that you think you want in a man. I told him to think positive and not to put the girl on a pedestal.

He was thinking of taking her to some place where you can paint your own pottery. Nice thought, bad idea for a first date with a woman that he doesn't know very well. It sounds very sensual and a bit effeminate. It's the thought that counts though!

Mr 'I'm 20 and Know It All' thinks that they should go to the cinema on their first date. Why? So that he doesn't have to talk to her. I have more intelligence in one of my farts than that boy. (Not that I fart! I'm like the Queen!) Hate to say it, but what a d*ck!

My boss decided to be the spiteful little queen he can be at times and said that when I'm nagging him I sound like Janice Battersby out of Coronation Street . Complete and utter BS, but he thinks that it will annoy me. It didn't, it just makes me want to provoke him and make his day a misery. I've been thinking about what I could 'misplace' on his desk as previous pranks have proved that he hates (like any man) being made to feel that someone has got one over him. The trouble is his desk is so awful that he may not miss whatever I 'misplace'. He's someone else that thinks he's God's gift because he drinks from the relationship fountain and has 2 kids. I'm delighted for him but it doesn't make him king of the world. So for one last time - I hate to say it, but what a d*ck!

Greetings From Dublin!

I've been here for the weekend visiting my mum and brothers, and catching up with a couple of friends. Why am I up so early on my day off? Because I was woken up be my mum shouting at my 14 year old brother to get his arse out of the shower. At moments like that, I miss my own bed.

Friday night was spent in London with the usual crew in a bar near work. It was the usual scenario. Me stone cold sober (I can't drink because of the medication I'm on) and everybody else ridiculously drunk. It makes everything surreal. The one thing I have noticed is that the guys are all a bit more touchy feely with the alcohol flowing through the veins. I seem to have just as good a time sober, which means I must be a bit nuts!

One of the guys that was out is suprisingly a bit of a bad boy. I had heard hints, but he is in a relationship with someone and I didn't think he'd let himself down being out with us lot, but it seems that he's prepared to give John a run for his money in the lothario stakes. (John is my good friend who's a bit fond of horizontal jogging with lots of women) John being true to form probably won't like this guy's behavior as he likes to be centre of attention, and even if his crown is a dubious one, he won't want competition for it. I am looking forward to seeing how this one plays out. It will certainly add to the dynamics in our group of friends - that's of course if he's allowed to come out again by the guys!

John did try to push mine and B's heads together to get us to kiss for a laugh but all he succeeded in doing was almost knocking the 2 of us out. It was far funnier when we took his hand and made him touch one of the other guys crotches. Very funny!

I was wrecked going out to the airport on Saturday and fell asleep to a child screaming crying all the way from Stansted to Dublin. I realised that I must be a mature adult when the cries didn't cut through my nerves. I did feel sorry for the mother who was trying to control the poor child. The husband was sitting across from her in the other aisle and he would occasionally say, 'Are you ok';'Stop the crying'; and 'Do you think she has a cold?'. The poor woman just kept looking at him as if willing him to be more than a sperm donor, and more of a helpful father.

Note to self: Father of my child must be someone who is willing to do more than sit along the sidelines in the difficult moments of parenting

I spent the rest of Saturday with my mum who was babysitting a 5 year old. It was funny to watch her in action and you can tell she'd be great with the grandchildren!

My brother Martin turned 19 yesterday. He is very much a man and sometimes I barely recognise him, or quite frankly, understand him. He has just got back from a 2 week lads holiday in some complete dirt hole in Crete. He has told me all about it but due to his very thick Dublin accent I could only catch bits and pieces of what he was saying. I think (God forbid) he was shagging whilst he was away, but we're just glad to have him back in one piece.

For some reason he thought it would be funny to tell my mum that he was to become a father in 3 months time. None of us knew what to say. He kept it up for a while and I must admit to being petrified of what he would be unleashing on the world, but he did eventually admit that he was full of sh*t! All of my brothers are mummy's boys and if any of them were to become a father now, I think it would give my mum a heart attack.

We had a great afternoon celebrating Martin's birthday and generally taking the p*ss. One thing Martin is very good at is leaving himself wide open for a good p*ss taking. As he has gotten older, he has improved at answering back. He is the epitome of male pride though and he never apologises for anything because he never admits to anything. He has my poor mum running around after him and he gives her a hard time all of the time. She thinks that a good woman will be the making of him. I'm glad that she realises how things really work in this world!

We spent our Sunday evening visiting another friend of mine and her beautiful one year old boy. He's a real charmer and loves the ladies. He gives you this big goofy smile and he's completely engaging, and in the back of your mind you think: The women don't stand a chance!

I'm off as my stomach is rumbling like a mutha, and I've got to get myself organised. My mum also wants me to do a bit of tidying for her because it seems that my arrival signaled to the boys that they don't have to do anything around the house..............

Stupid Male Colleagues

Today I really could strangle my boss. B got me a packet of Starburst from the snack machine, and in my absence not only has he helped himself to them but he has done something which has rendered the contents very mushy and weird. The packet looked completely battered before I had even had a sweet!

He thinks he's hilarious. I think he's a prick. Now I feel better.

On another note I am bewildered by another colleague who is on the verge of starting a long distance relationship with his girlfriend who is heading off to university down south. He doesn't think that it's going to work, but doesn't want to be the one to say so. So instead he is treating her really well, buying her £20 bunches of flowers from Tesco's (apparently this is a huge deal), and planning to wine, dine and 69 her before he bids her farewell.

The logic behind this? He wants her to be just like his ex-girlfriend: always thinking about him and still wanting him in a few years time because she's 'addicted'. Then he is free to 'have a go' if it suits him. He also bounces at a couple of clubs on the side, and apparently he's not short of offers from the ladies.

He's not short of ego either!

I'm out with the crowd from work tonight but I'm not going to overdo it as I am flying to Dublin again tomorrow afternoon as I got a cheap flight with Ryanair, the no frills airline. Do you know that you don't even get a seat at their departure gate in Dublin? You have to sit on the floor! Cheeky gits!

Bring on the long weekend! I'm not back in work until Tuesday now. The guys can be as childish as they like in my absence!

Breast Talk and Willy Tweaking

Nothing of major note has happened today although it has been rather depressing to think that it may be the last day of the summer. No more summer skirts!

One of the things that myself and a female friend spoke about was how some men talk to breasts. For any man out there that does it, I think they should know that women know when a man is talking to their breasts. It's actually rather disconcerting and a woman's natural self-doubt naturally creeps in and says, 'No, he can't possibly be talking to my breasts', and soon after it sinks in that he really is looking at her breasts.

Whilst I am happy with my boobs, I don't think they warrant a conversation, and most women I know will agree with me. My breasts don't have an opinion or an ounce of intelligence. Believe me, if they did they would know that I hate when PMT makes them sore!

Some men are breast men, some are ass men, and some are both. (T&A) Sometimes you can feel when someone's beady little eyes are on your bum! It must be the heat radiating from the eyes!

I don't look at men's crotches unless my eyes are drawn to them. This only tends to happen when, 1) Men stand with their crotch in front of my face when I'm sitting on the tube, and 2) When men 'adjust' themselves.

I must admit to feeling slightly claustrophobic when I am confronted with a crotch on the tube. I tend to shrink back into my seat and I don't know where to look.

The latter is worse though and almost all men I know are big offenders. My friend John (I've mentioned him a few times and he's rather fond of shagging around) is constantly adjusting himself. It's extremely irritating and it diverts my attention from whatever we are talking about. He doesn't even do it discreetly! He says he's a 'big lad' with plenty to adjust but I keep asking him if he's caught something! Apparently he hasn't!

I have to learn to stop reacting to men adjusting themselves. It's very embarrassing and it makes me feel as if I've just walked in on someone playing with themselves. Or men could just learn to fix themselves more discreetly!

Wednesday Fog

I am half asleep as I came home and lay down to watch TV and woke up over two and a half hours later bewildered and fuzzy headed. How on earth do people have the energy to go out on dates all week and work hard? I am shattered after a tiring day at work mixed with feeling rather dubious all day. If I had been supposed to go on a date this evening I would've have been a yawning one.

After a break for a couple of weeks my skirt blew up about 4 times today and it was whilst I was walking to and from work, not at the tube station for once! It's very difficult to read Heat magazine to soak up the celeb gossip as you walk and to know when the wind plans to take your skirt up close to your face!

The guys were driving me bonkers at work today. They're like overgrown children sometimes and it's difficult to have a serious conversation when they're in that type of mood. My boss was out for the morning so it was relatively peaceful, but it was safe to say that he was back when he made the wisecrack, 'F*ck morale', when someone dared to comment that whatever they were doing was good for morale. You've got to give it to my boss. He's a funny bastard that far outstrips David Brent of 'The Office' for his ridiculousness.

I am watching the 'L Word' on Living TV at the moment and I must say it is quite good, but men must be having a field day with all the lesbian sex scenes. I don't think a man would need to subscribe to certain porn channels anymore judging by what I am seeing. There are storylines though so it will be interesting to see how much of a male following it gets here! I'm sure that most of the guys I know will start watching this as they have some perverse fascination with women getting on, as myself and B have discovered on some of our nights out.

I must admit that watching the lesbian sex scenes doesn't do anything for me. God knows what I would think if I reacted to it! The guys will be very disappointed!

Dating Season

It seems that the dating bug is hitting lots of people and I want a bit of the action. Yesterday, we bumped into a colleague going on a sneaky date with another colleague, and apparently this same guy is going on another 3 or 4 dates this week. Mind you, this I found out through so man-talk I happened to be around for this morning, so when you take out the exaggeration he's probably only got 1 or 2 dates this week.

B the lucky cow has been lining up 3 dates which will happen over the next couple of weeks, and there was no exaggeration with her ones!

Well summer's almost over and I am vowing to make more of an effort in the next few months to go on date, after all, just like I said to B this morning, what harm can it be?

I am now older and wiser and have realised that if I keep my wits about me and follow my instincts, I won't end up the girlfriend of some idiot I got pushed into having a date with. (ex boyfriend)

I am a firm believer that the things that bug you most about a partner further down a relationship is the stuff you chose to ignore in the early dates. I will pay attention!

I will also not be too harsh in my assessment of the suitability of a date, after all, how the hell can I know if someone is suitable dating/relationship/husband material by looking at them?

Actually, I'm popping back home to Dublin this weekend and a guy I knew from about 10 years ago wants to meet up for a drink. Maybe I'll test myself to see if I can abide by my new rules....

One of my friends that was madly in love a while ago is not so much anymore and she says he's wrecking her head. Well they do say men can be tiring..............

Weddings Over, Porn is Here

Well I'm back in sunny London and still getting over my tiredness from the weekend. The wedding was everything the bride could have asked for. Beautiful, moving ceremony, followed by an entertaining reception and dancing. Naturally I was almost crippled by my shoes by the time the evening rolled round (I had been up since 6am and the wedding was at 11.30), so I had to prance around the dance floor in my Birkenstocks. Fortunately the dress was quite long so I didn't look like a frump, but I must say I did feel what I can only describe as cloddish as I danced away to the band.

The talent was very scarce in terms of men. I was the first person to walk down the aisle, kicking off the whole ceremony, which was a terrifying experience actually. I had thought that I could distract myself from my nerves by spotting male talent in the pews but to be honest it was a complete blur as tried to walk slowly but confidently down the aisle. There was such a temptation to sprint down the aisle, but when I saw the groomsmen waiting for me at the end of the aisle, I decided to keep my pace. Lovely guy, but lets just say that you couldn't get two people more different!

I did have a few dances though and to be honest, whilst I certainly wouldn't have knocked it if I had met a guy I fancied, I was happy to celebrate my friends lovely marriage to her Prince Charming.

I asked the comedic priest if he would come over to London and do my wedding as I loved his sense of humour. He happily agreed and it was only after he had left that I realised that I would need to be Catholic for that to work!

He had his fair share of admirers as well. I think women like the mystery of a man of the cloth combined with a wicked sense of humour. I'm sure he's the only priest to make a humourous reference to a funeral at a wedding! The whole congregation was in stitches!

My mum joined us later in the evening and we spent most of it with my friend whom I hadn't seen for over 2 years. He introduced us to his boyfriend and when waxed lyrical about the love he's found, he ended up reducing us all to tears. My mum being true to form broke the silence that followed by saying to his boyfriend, 'For Christ's sake, give him a hug!'. I love my mum!

Speaking of love, it seems that my 14 year old has fallen prey to porn. Now don't get me wrong, I am well informed by every man I know that most men have looked at porn, but he's my 14 year old brother for God's sake! He's the baby of the family and until he turned 14 he was more interested in computer games and eating. Well yesterday when my mum and I were surfing, we discovered a porn folder in the favorites. My mum being a techno-phobe clicked on one of the pages before I had a chance to stop her, and we were confronted with images of women 'eating' men. Apparently a website put the folder in his favorites. Apparently this happened to his friend also.........

I am seeing my brother in a whole new light. That sweet and innocent act doesn't wash with me. I've warned him about the dangers of sex and that he needs to stay out of trouble. He just laughs at me and shakes his head. He'll learn.......

I was walking home with my groceries and a man stopped me and said, 'You'd should have a man to carry those for you baby'. There was such a temptation to hand him all of my bags and say, 'Ok then', but he'd probably have expected me to let him in to my place for a cup of tea or something! Do men ever do anything for a woman without expecting something in return?

Right, I'm off, as the O.C. is on and haven't given it my full concentration!

Wedding Nerves & Male Pride Strikes - Again!

I'm back after a sudden absence! It's been a stressful couple of days! I'm back home in Dublin for one of my best friends wedding and I have an iffy tummy. I was perfectly fine and not at all nervous, until I discovered that I lead the bridesmaids, bride etc down the aisle. My stomach lurched at the thought of everybody gawping at me, and if I don't settle down soon I'm going to have the trots.....

The bride and groom are also nervous, but they have far more reason to be than I do. What the hell is wrong with me? I must say the bride-to-be looked beautiful during the practice run today and the priest is like a comedian. He had everyone in stitches laughing and now all the bridesmaids (except me) fancy him. I was convinced that he was batting for the other side.......

The past couple of days have flown by between work and coming back to Dublin.

On Wednesday I was supposed to watch a game of football between our team and another media owners team, but it all went horribly, but hilariously wrong. We all turned up at a park in south London and spent 30 minutes walking all over the park trying to find the non-existent pitch. I swear we walked a few miles!

Male pride reared its ugly head in the form of my colleague that was supposed to be responsible for organising it. Naturally all the guys were livid because of the fiasco that was unfolding but Mr Male Pride 2004 decided not to be humble about his mistake and instead went on the complete defensive and made no apologies for the total cock up. This naturally sufficed to anger the rest of the team.

Like the true interloper he was on that night, he went off and had a kick about with the opposing team! I was shocked! I (and probably some of the others) despite his cock up would probably have felt sorry for him if he had been remotely humble about this episode, after all, anyone can make a mistake, but his attitude made him look really childish and arrogant.

Men, I know it's so hard to admit you're in the wrong - God knows I talk about it often enough!, but sometimes you have to admit that you f*cked up and move on, instead of acting like dicks and refusing to admit that you could ever make a mistake! You're human! Stop acting like your sh*t doesn't stink and grow up!

Most of us took off to a pub down the road where we planned to have one drink, but ended up staying almost until closing. (I was on the soft drinks of course -boo hoo ) We pretty much took the piss out of each other and other people we knew and talked complete and utter filth for about 4 hours. What I love though is that B and I can always match the boys for the dirty talk!

The guys are still as pathetic as ever and fascinated by the idea of B and I having a snog. Why do men have a lesbian fascination? As soon as we mention the guys having a snog though, the subject comes to a screeching halt!

B was really drunk towards the end and told me I was her best friend ever and how much she loved me, as she stumbled up the road holding on to my arm. I heard some of the guys heckling behind me as they thought they were going to get an impromptu lesbian show! What fools....

The other thing I discovered is that guys measure a woman's potential for a relationship on how good she is at giving BJ's. Imagine if we measured a man's potential for a relationship on his sexual ability every time? I know women who've had to train their men in for quite a while. I also know a woman who's now married to a guy who she said had a very small willy. Apparently it's grown now............

It's nice to be home in Dublin with my mum and 14 year old brother, although my mum is heading into that zone of comparing notes with her friends on the relationship achievements of their offspring. My mothers children are not enabling her to do well at the moment! I've told her not to worry and that I'm working on it! I love instilling her with confidence that I don't necessarily feel!

Right, I need to go and do a bit of grooming as I have an early start tomorrow. Bloody hell!