Happy Halloween!

I was at a friends house this evening and when I discovered that I had left my mobile phone in the car, I decided to go out to get it. I was p*ssing about with the keys in the doorway and I was so engrossed when I went to open the front door, that I didn't notice the three skeletons and witches in the doorway till it was far too late! I screamed my head off and I think I scared the sh*t out of the poor little kiddies! I said 'F*ck' quite loudly as well without thinking and I noticed a parent lurking at the gate. Well how the hell was I supposed to know they'd be there?! Oh yes of course! - It's Halloween!

I remember when Halloween used to be an opportunity to go to a house party in a school uniform/cat outfit/Bond girl outfit. Now none of my friends can be arsed to do anything. What is happening to us?

I am feeling a lot better today which means that I will feel compelled to go to work tomorrow. I am vowing not to work too hard (hee hee) and I will be hard as nails with the Nuisance's this week. It's become a bit like a single parent family since the Soho Knight left because I'm the mum and he was dad. Well this week mummy is going to be getting medieval on their asses, and if all else fails, I'll have to get their 'dad' to have a word. It's amazing how grown men can behave like 12 year olds if given half a chance. Well it'll be Halloweeen all week for these boys - real bloody scary!

The Nuisance Men Strike Again!

The nuisances have been at it again, or at least one of them has. I went out for a so-called group cuddle last night because despite us not moving for another few weeks, we are working in our new teams as of Monday. I loaned one of the Kent Nuisances a floppy disc on Thursday and I didn't look to see what was on their before I gave it to him, although you would think that if there was anything on there he wouldn't open it, right? Wrong!

So I'm chatting away to this Kent Nuisance when he suddenly slips into the conversation that he had come across a file which said something about 4 men I have dated. I immediately felt very uneasy and could feel my face getting hot with embarrassment! I looked at him incredulous as he proceeded to tell me that the title had been too compelling and that he had decided to read it out of curiosity. At first he said he had only read a couple of paragraphs, but it became very apparent as he recited parts of it (!!!!) that he had read most if not all of it!

He told me it was very good and wanted to know what it was for. I told him that he's lucky I don't cut off his nuts! Honestly! It was only a few days I warned the Nuisance's about keeping out of trouble and not doing anything they shouldn't be, and here one of them is reading my stuff! His saving grace is that he thinks it's very good but I have warned him that if I find out he has sent it on to anyone, he will not live to tell the tale!

B nearly wet herself laughing when I told her. So did one of the other guys who knows about my blog. I think it's really funny too but extremely embarrassing! Is nothing sacred in that God-forsaken place I call an office?

I have to stay home this evening as I am still not very well and I had some sort of panic attack type thing last night on my way home. All rather scary and not very pleasant! Probably brought on by the shock of discovering about what that flipping Nuisance had been up to!.........(Just Joking!)

I met up with Nac for a bit and we went for lunch and had a look around the shops. Nac would love to meet a new bloke after the debacle with her ex, and she said it would be great if she bumped into her ex with this new imaginary bloke, and he was really good looking. Flippant as ever, I said he could also have a big willy and have lots of money so that her ex would feel really inferior! Her next question was, 'Where is he?' I replied, 'Probably dragging his big willy down the road!' Oh the humour of single women!

Have I mentioned that those bloody Nuisance's keep referring to B and I as spinster's?

Nuisance Men

It was quite funny sitting in my office today because most of my colleagues were hungover after attending an awards do last night. Most of them looked like they were not going to make it through the day and I realised that I really don't miss having hangovers! Naturally my boss was loud and obnoxious this morning just to make everyone feel even worse than they already felt. He is really funny though so he feels encouraged by the laughter!

My day didn't start too well as I woke up just after 6am and blinking was agonising. My right eye and the area just above my cheekbone are really tender and I started to panic that I may be having a relapse. I phoned my mum who managed to make me feel better by talking about her own ailments! (???) I forget how nuts my mum can be, but she made me laugh and stopped me from being all teary eyed. Mornings really aren't my forte! I'm still worried but I think I may have slept funny or something. If it gets worse, then I'll take my arse to hospital. Boo hoo!

Thankfully there was no squabbling in the office today. Lee Lee, I pray that refereeing is not part of my new job, but I suspect that yesterdays fiasco will not be the last. Instead of sorting out disagreements today, the two pikeys (not literally) in our office drove some of us mad by talking like they were from the hood all day. The two of them are complete country bumpkins from Kent, but if I closed my eyes, I may well have believed I was working in Compton. I actually told them to shut the f*ck up after a while, which I know is harsh, but they admit that it's the only language they understand. I miss the Soho Knight at moments like this because I think he's created monsters and left us to put up with them! The joke's on us!

I think that the Victoria Line lady was on the tube although I couldn't see her, I could just smell her. She smells like cheese, wee, poo, crust and everything that isn't right with the world all rolled into one. She's actually quite well renowned and I think almost all of my department has had the special experience of being on a tube with her. I buried my head in my book and prayed the tube would go faster!

Apparently I will be sitting near a guy who farts a lot when we have our office move. Why do these things happen to me? I haven't even shaken off my own current boss who likes to belch without covering his mouth and it always sounds watery, as if he's going to follow through. I've also got to sit near my friend John who never shuts up and has so much male pride, his balls must be touching the ground with the weight of his testosterone. Sitting so close to each other will be explosive. Part of the reason why we have just about managed to remain friends is because I don't see or hear him all day. Oh dear.........

Why Do Men Always Have to Be Right?/ Why Do Women Pretend They're Not Upset?

Today I had to referee on an argument between two colleagues and for a few minutes I thought I had children sitting with me. As I listened to the bickering and tried to resolve the situation I remembered why men and women can be so different!

The guy I 'manage' is like a lot of other men I know. Rather than try to resolve the situation, he was far more concerned with talking the loudest and drumming home his point of view and the fact that he felt he was right. Every time I moved the discussion away from the issue he just had to jump in, re-explain and re-justify himself. I eventually asked him to zip it otherwise we could have been sitting there all bloody day while he soothed his male pride!

The woman is like a like of other women I know that feel a bit inferior around the men. She was so aggressive and defensive, but emotional with it. Rather than re-explaining and justifying, instead she kept going on about how she felt, and pretending that she wasn't annoyed when she so very clearly was! Why do women say that they are not upset when they are? It's the usual, 'What's wrong?' followed by, 'Nothing' with a sniffle and a woe betide me look. I think I work with a load of drama queens!

I have worked far too hard today and really cannot wait for this week to be over! My funny moment of the day was when I turned around and found the 20 year old guy straightening one of the women's hair behind me (She was going off to an awards do). Naturally the other guys looked horrified and I nearly p*ssed myself laughing as he claimed that he had learnt how to do it after watching this hairdressing show on TV. Unfortunately he had neglected to remember that he admitted a couple of months ago that he uses hair straighteners on his hair every morning!

Patience is a Virtue

Until recent months I have considered myself to be quite a patient person. I remember being told as a child, 'Good things come to those who wait' and my mother's favorite was, 'Don't wish your life away.' One of my most common phrases over the past while is, 'My patience is being severely tested'. Admittedly most of the time it is by the various men in my life.

There's the guy who I went on a date with that behaved like a d*ck and then pestered me for a bit. There's the guy I 'manage', who even if I had him hypnotised with everything I need him to know, somehow, oh somehow, he would forget it all. There's my boss who thinks I can pull work out of my bottom despite their not being enough hours in the day to do my job, do all the additional sh*t, plus the stuff he's 'delegated' to me. I could go on for a while....... but I won't!

I am going to be setting some ground rules for my future work practices because some people are taking the p*ss and not respecting my time! My poor patience is frayed to say the least!

The guy I 'manage' gave me a weird compliment yesterday. He told me that other than his mother, I am the woman that he respects the most, and that apparently he doesn't have much respect for women. (What?????????!!!!!!!!!!) I told B today, who is possibly the most competitive woman I know, and she demanded to know if he respected her and he said yes, but I don't think she's convinced!

He did however, let himself down today, by telling myself and B that it must be so hard for us to be single on Valentine's day, and that it must be difficult for us to be spinster's. Tempting as it was to give him a swift kick in the nuts, we didn't have to because the filthy looks from myself and B ensured that his balls shriveled up instantly! Cheeky git!

Why are men so melodramatic?

I'm not even going to b*tch about how horrid Monday's are like I usually do! Ah, feck it, I will anyway!

I have been firefighting (not literally) all day today. I have had dramas and tantrums all day long, and for once, none of them were by me or any other woman! The guy I 'manage' quite literally had a hissy fit this morning and under non-work circumstances it would have seemed apt to slap him out of his hysteria. Why do men have the ability to make something simple, complicated? Why can't men just chill out and go with the flow and do a spot of multi-tasking? Why choose Monday to have a hissy fit when everybody knows I don't do Monday's?

Today I have played Mum, Boss, Confidante, Agony Aunt and if I hear anymore melodramatic sh*te, I will start to play dead. I love them all even with their funny little ways but I am not the fountain of knowledge. I do have a simple answer to most of their problems: It would pay if you used your brain just a little bit.

I have brought home work with me and for once I won't be pretending that I plan to do it and leave it sitting in the corner in the bag I dragged it home in! I'm am so up to my eyes at the moment and having chats with the various troubled 'men' took up more time than I expected.

I think that it really must be time for me to go speed dating because I was sitting on the tube this morning and a billboard was literally calling me and it turned out to be for speed dating. I got to work and opened my email and my friend was emailing about a speed dating night we're going on next month. Is this a sign or are we all just desperate cows?

Is the whole world attached?

This has been possibly the laziest weekend I have had in ages. I have slept so much I have a slight headache! I am discovering that there is such a thing as too much sleep!

Myself and B met up yesterday for a so-called quick cup of tea and ended up talking for well over an hour. As usual men took up a big chunk of the conversation and this was instigated by the fact that everybody seemed to be in a couple yesterday. Everywhere I looked, couples were holding hands, shopping together (albeit with very bored looking men), kissing (a little bit too much to make us feel comfortable over our tea), and just being couples. It's ages since I've had that, and much as I love my independence and freedom, I do miss some of these things. I'm not big on getting frisky in public. I had just sat down in Costa Coffee, when the woman at the table beside us hopped out of her seat and straddled her boyfriend sitting opposite her. I felt my cheeks grow hot in embarrassment. That type of behavior is so pikey! Get a room!

We normally revel in our singledom and carefree lives, but it's suddenly occurred to us that it would be nice to have a boyfriend. Then of course, after we get boyfriends, we'll be meeting up to moan about our respective partners because they aren't putting the toilet seat back down/treating us well/committing fast enough!

I know our time will come and blah, blah, blah, and to be honest we don't go out searching for it, but it would be nice to meet some nice men. Not imbeciles like our previous men, because God knows we've had more than enough of them, but decent men. It doesn't help that there are 11 women to every man in this bloody city if you're in your twenties!

I am trying to book speed dating for myself and B for this week, but more often than not, the women's places tend to be sold out. Seems we're not the only one's on the prowl and with the shortage of men, I bet it will be like handbags at dawn. Well at least B and I have very nice handbags!

Farewell Soho Knight

It was with sadness that B and I bade farewell to our erstwhile colleague that we will affectionately call the Soho Knight. I actually got a bit teary eyed. I'd love to blame my hormones, but it was saying goodbye to the biggest pain in the arse I ever worked with! (I say with affection!) We spent last night at his leaving do which is why I feel cream crackered (tired) today! I really can't believe the cheeky little git is leaving us to move to Dubai, where he claims he is going to focus on work and friends, but steer clear of sex.

Yeah right!

He did have the funniest and most embarrassing leaving speech as it involved mention of threesomes, kissing another man, and Michael Jackson dancing around the office! I've lost a mega-bitching partner, a p*ss-taker, and someone who has the ability to do the splits on a night out, or have dance off's and do 80's house party moves around the office. I've lost a playmate and I also have no one to bicker with constantly, and he is fabulous for picking his brains about the sexual workings of a man's brain. Any early quote from the Soho Knight - "All women are psycho's!" Correction: All his women were psycho's!

Soho Knight, I'll miss you! Have a blast and I know you'll do so bloody well out there! Now that you're earning mega-bucks, don't forget to send back mine and B's housekeeping. We take cash, cheque's, credit cards.....and shoes!

Lee Lee, never fear!There is no chance of me getting back with my ex! Unlike in other relationships, we are definitely over for a reason. They say, 'Never say never', but in this case I feel very safe to do so! They say no regrets, although if I had my time over again, I doubt that I would have made some of the love choices of my 20's, but at the same time it's all been an experience, and it's part of what's made me who I am. I am much happier without him and if he has any sense, he'll be happier without me!

On a serious note though, what the hell is going on with men farting on the tube this week? I actually thought I was going to heave this morning with the foul stench that had emitted from the man beside me. I also had the same thing yesterday. I recognise that I have been at the scene of each of the crimes, but honestly, it's not me!

I am staying in tonight as I don't have the energy to strut out in heels and a foxy Friday night outfit! I am going to flake out!

Memory Like an Elephant

I making this a quick visit as I am off to go and stay at my friends in a few minutes and I am far from being ready! I am relishing the prospect of the noisiest 3 children in the world and one of my best mates! Tomorrow, I will spend most of the day adjusting my ears to lower noise levels!

I got an email back from my ex which was quite nice actually, which said that there was no hard feelings and that he doesn't get in touch because I told him when we were together that I don't keep in touch with my exes. Why is it that men have a selective memory? You spend most of the relationship trying to get them to remember things you've told them or remind them of things they've said to you, then you end the relationship and all of a sudden they remember key points?

Mind you, most guys I know complain that women remember too much!

Gotta run!

Disturbing the Peace

I nearly choked on the tube today because somebody let one ripper of a fart in the very hot tube carriage that I was sitting in. I was shocked at the stench because it smelt like someone's gut was rotting! The woman beside me said very loudly, 'This is disgusting! It's definitely a man's fart!', which made me have a fit of the giggles in between covering my nose and mouth! All of the guys sitting opposite me looked distinctly uncomfortable, with one making a very suspicious and embarrassed exit at the next stop. I'm sure it could just have easily been a woman, but evidently some people think that there is a distinct smell to a man's fart!

Two of the vultures at work said I looked a bit S&M because I was wearing a skirt and my knee high boots (FMB's - F*ck Me Boots)! I must admit to feeling a bit embarrassed and self-conscious but I think they were exaggerating. Really. It's just a skirt, boots and some patterned tights. I hardly had whip in hand or was dressed in leather from head to foot!

I was thinking today that it would be lovely to be loved up. I could do with a bit of romance! A friend of mine was telling me how she took a chance and left her partner of 4 years to be with a friend who she had fallen for, and how she is blissfully happy. Actually, I just realised that my friends situation is a prime example of a male and female friendship turning into something sexual! Maybe I should look at my male friends a little more closely!

I almost forgot! After about 14 months of silence, I decided that it was time to hold out the olive branch to my ex and clear the air. I dropped him an email yesterday but I haven't heard back from him yet, and maybe I never will. Do you know what though? I won't be bothered if I don't hear back from him. At least I know I made the effort, but a lot of time has gone by and I don't feel anything for him anymore. I probably had a moment of madness yesterday and maybe I don't have to make peace!

Can men be friends with women? Revisited

God it's horrid being back at work after having a few days off! It was so tempting to roll over this morning and pull the duvet over my head. I really had to force myself out of bed and into the shower. As usual I was confronted by problem after problem on my return and by lunchtime my patience had been severely tested.

This whole issue of whether men and women can be friends is still rolling and now Lee Lee wants to know whether I can. Truthfully, if I was attracted to someone, I could be friends with him but I would definitely have sexual thoughts! I have a few close male friends and lots of male acquaintances. I must admit that I love the company of my male friends as they are brilliant fun. They know that I don't fancy any of them so there isn't any awkwardness.

Admittedly I fancied my closest male friend when I met him and still think he's a fine piece of ass! We are the best of friends but everybody thinks we fancy each other, and the guys at work steer clear apparently because we are close. He is however attached, so alas, I must cast my net into the sea of men. He is, however, my reserve husband if we are both available at 30!

In regards to my male friends in general, I don't have any sexual thoughts about them because I really don't fancy them. One is a complete tart and not my type, and the rest of them are at varying stages of attractiveness and great as friends, but there is no sexual chemistry and it would be handbags at dawn if I were to do anything sexual with them.

B (one of my best mates) and I do like hanging out with guys, and sometimes on the girls nights out, we critique and rate the guys, but I always struggle to do a top 5 which really infuriates the guys when they are there too. Because they have sexual thoughts about just about every woman, they can reel off their lists without hesitation! I think there must be something wrong with me because I don't have horny thoughts about my male friends.

I am fascinated by Spurtius's take on whether men and women can be friends because in theory he agrees with me that men in particular are always lusting after their female friends, but he links everything to the need to procreate. I must remember to keep my legs firmly closed when I'm in the vicinity of my male friends then!

If we believe Spurtius's take then men are just killing time until they can get jiggy! Well it certainly explains why sex is on the brain a lot of the time and why I have to constantly repeat myself to some of my male colleagues. The brain is engaged elsewhere!

Smarco (???) thinks I'm being mean by saying that men can't be friends with women and but he has reaffirmed my opinion! Having sex with no conscience with a female friend because you've allowed her to 'grow' on you is sexual and does not fall under the rules of engagement for friendship! I do hope his 'lucky' female friends are not aware of what he thinks about having sex with beer goggles!

I have a male friend who believes in 'Equal Opportunity Sex' - His d*ck doesn't discriminate! He's definitely like Smarco because he would say that someone was his friend, not his type etc, have a few drinks and next thing he's 'risen' to the occasion and then he says that they are just friends after they've had sex and that there's nothing major about what he's done. If a woman did that she'd be called a b*tch and probably be regarded as a tart. The lads think he's a stud!

Oh, the world of double standards rages on!

I Need a Man

I need a man. I mentioned ages ago that I bought one of those gym ball things but I got home and discovered it needed a bicycle pump. Well after 2 months I went and bought the bicycle pump and I can't figure out how to get the attachment on. Normally I'm quite good with things like this, but I have really had enough of the bloody ball and I haven't even managed to inflate the bloody thing never mind exercise with it! The whole placed reeked of rubber as well. Yeuch!

I had another bad purchase because after succumbing to the joys of advertising I decided to buy a bikini-line trimmer at the same time as buying that stupid pump, got home, opened up the box following my no-go with the pump, only to discover the bloody thing has a shaver 2 prong plug on the end of it! I swear I nearly threw the thing at the wall! It seemed like such a good idea as I thought buying a trimmer thing would be handy, but now I'm not so sure. I'll have to go on the hunt for a bloody adaptor now! I would never have thought to check what type of plug was on the shaver. I wonder if a man would have checked for it?.................

It's always when I can't get the stupid light in the bathroom working, or get to something really high up, kill a particularly horrible insect, or moving things around when I think how handy it would be to have a man around. Obviously he would be great for a relationship too!

I'm definitely back in England because there's no sunshine and far too much rain. Mallorca is but a distant memory! I got back last night after spending the pre-flight time in the sunshine trying to enhance the bit of a tan that I had picked up. It was almost unbearably hot yesterday and I had to keep ducking inside for a breather from the scorching heat. Looking outside now I should have forced myself to stay outside in the scorching sun!

I went out last night quite late and rolled into bed at 4.30am tired and hungry. As usual I didn't meet any men of interest but I've almost come to expect that, so maybe I'll get surprised one day! It has been a very totty-free week - not a half decent looking man in sight or even one that could charm me with his personality! Actually, that's not strictly true. There were a few out last night but as usual due to short supply the women were on them like bees to honey!

I must make a correction following a couple of comments regarding whether men and women can be friends . 'E) He's friends with a guy who is any of the above categories, doesn't want to have a conflict of interest, but still harbors sexual thoughts' should be 'E) His friend also harbors sexual thoughts towards the same woman, so he doesn't want to tread on his friends toes'

I still don't think that most men can be friends with a woman without having sexual thoughts, although I would like to think that this mostly applies to single men, not attached ones. I do think it is easier for men and women to be friends if they already have partners, although the big gripe is normally a jealousy one then. I have heard it so many times from guys that they don't trust a male friend of a woman because they think he's trying to get in her pants. This only further goes to prove my theory because these men are thinking about what they would do under the same circumstances.

My eyes are closing with tiredness - So much for feeling rested after my little holiday! I will deal further with the comments tomorrow!

Greetings From Spain - Part 2

I have not seen one guy that I would fancy since arriving in Mallorca. Now I appreciate that I am in some resort place that tends to cater to the ólder´person, but surely there must be some totty on this God-forsaken island!?

I have seen men, but they all have tashes, with hair that looks really greasy, and most are wearing chav gear - horrid football shirts, Burberry from head to foot, and they eat chips (fries) for breakfast! That is disgusting! It´s no wonder I don´t have a boyfriend! I really will not put up with much and get turned off quite easily!

I have noticed that a few comments have been posted in my absence, and I will be dealing with them on my return.

Funny moments of this trip so far:

My aunt saying after one hour of being in Mallorca that she couldn´t wait to go home.

My aunt saying on the second day that she´s going to hug the TV when she gets back. (She should be shot for that one!)

My other aunt saying that she likes something on top of her at night in front of lots of people at lunch yesterday and me in hysterics laughing!

My 71 year old grandparents squabbling like teenagers and my grandad suggesting that she wear a bib! It´s like watching a soap opera!

My grandad losing very badly a 21´s last night. Why can´t men lose gracefully to a woman?

I went to the market yesterday and the sellers kept perving on me and I thought my aunts were going to kick the crap out of them!

My particular highlight though has been bartering the crap out of all the guys at the market and getting money knocked off everything my relatives bought. I´m good! I even bartered for things I didn´t want and then I had to hide!

Gotta run! My nutty relatives are getting antsy!

Greetings From Spain

Just a quick one today as my aunts are lurking wondering what the hell I am doing! Jesus, I thought I was headstrong, but the women in my family have mastered headstrong as a fine art! I have to pinch myself and check if I am 27 still!

I am in Mallorca. I finally know where the hell I am!

Weather is about 25c which is not bad considering how bloody awful the weather is back in London. I haven´t spotted any good looking men or many men full stop. I did have an early night though last night because I was wrecked, but I will be checking out the local totty today. It´s all for research purposes!

I´m off as my nutty relatives are waiting for me to drag me around some market. Oh dear...

I'd Like to Forget Work!

This is going to be a fleeting visit as I am cream crackered (tired)! I totally forgot to mention that I'm having a few days off for a short break in somewhere beginning with M and ending with A. I'm not being evasive, I just can't remember where the hell I'm going. I booked it ages ago when I got roped in by my aunt for this family trip. She's told me about 20 times and I am too afraid to ask again! My guess is it's either Majorca, Mallorca (does that even exist!?), or Malaga. Essentially this means I'm going somewhere near Spain.

I'm not a dopey cow just very stressed out and I probably wasn't listening when my aunt told me! My short term memory has been affected by my illness, so I can be a bit forgetful. I'll be told something and then completely forget it, or I go to do something and then stand there staring into space for a few minutes wondering what the hell I'm doing! That's why I write lists and notes in my diary...... That I sometimes forget to use!

I am so glad to see the back of work until next Monday. It is doing my head in! It would be great if I could forget about work for a few days!

Loving the fact that Lee Lee has posted a comment again! Apparently I am good fun to work for/with but a b*tch when you get on the wrong side of me according to some of my colleagues. Despite all of my 27 years, one of the guys calls me mum sometimes as I keep him on the straight and narrow. I tend to get on with the guys because I can be as bad as them (I'm often worse), and I love stuff like computer games and telling dirty jokes!

Speaking of dirt, one of the guys suggested B and I become partners today. In light of the current situation at work (restructure and upheaval), I thought he meant business partners, but apparently he meant lesbians but without a sexual relationship. Can't B and I just be friends?

I'm going to go to sleep as I have to get up at 6am and it's not going to be pretty. I won't be taking my laptop, but I do plan to find an internet cafe so that I can blog away!

Adios amigos!

Give Me Strength. It is Not Easy Being A Woman!

Every Monday I have a moan, and today is no different.

My day started with the guy I 'manage' rolling in ten minutes late for the millionth time. His excuse? 'I met a fit bird on the tube and I just had to talk to her'. He was being completely serious. Not only was he late despite him being repeatedly warned by myself and my manager that he needs to cut it down, he is chasing skirt on my time! His saving grace was the fact that the excuse was so ridiculous.

By the way, Lee Lee, I am sorry for referring to you as a woman yesterday! You have to admit that it was difficult to tell sometimes from your comments though. You also have the same birthday as my mum!

Back to the sh*t day that is Monday, I had to bite my tongue today when this ad agency guy had a moan because I didn't courier over the magazines he never asked for. After all, not only do I flog advertising for a living, but I'm a fantastic mind reader as well!

I am feeling slightly bewildered because when you're in a mens world they don't communicate with each other hence you feel like you're walking the tightrope of life. It seems that my 'promotion' still has elements that need to be finalised. Like my new boss being clued in about it! Hmmmmmm. I'm going to breathe in and out for this one because a loss of temper will not do me any good at the moment.

I'm hormonal and agitated which doesn't help. I keep grinding my teeth and I only do this when I'm on my period. I have had cramps on and off all day and sometimes it has felt like my uterus is trying to make a bid for freedom! I cuss my pains every month, and each month they come back. I'm eating paracetomal like sweets and because I've recently developed an intolerance to chocolate I can't even satisfy my sugar cravings properly!

I was at the doctor's today getting another prescription of my steroids and I had this man that was covering in my usual doctor's absence. He was a funny little character with a weird bouffant hairdo, 80's loafers and a penchant for calling me 'darling' and 'love'. He's another one that expects me to be a mind reader as he was asking me if he should up my dosage of one of my tablets. Er, hello! Isn't that why he's a doctor and I'm a patient?!

Rest in peace Christopher Reeves and Kenneth Bigley.

The Weekend, Shrek & Prince Charming

Before I get carried away with my blabbering (or blogging), I must say happy birthday to Lee Lee who has been kind enough to not only post on my blog, but to even ask my advice! I know that it is coming up although she didn't say what date, so I will play safe and give it a mention now!

I went out last night but there wasn't even the remotest whiff of a potential love mate, just the usual men that define a Saturday night - Drunk's, Letches, Perverts, and more Perverts. I think that the really nice guys stay home or have already been snapped up.

I crawled into bed just after 4am and surfaced at 2pm to haul myself out of bed, into the shower, and up to Oxford Street to meet Nac for a wander around the shops, and a catch-up over tea and hot chocolate. I almost brought a negligee (ooh!), a skirt, and a pair of trousers, but the stupid queues for the cash desks were on my credit cards side in both H&M and Gap, because all I came home with was tampax and toothpaste! Yes, it is the time of the month and I feel like shite!

Nac is in good form but still suffering after her break-up. She's in much better form than she was, and despite feeling quite down, she feels that she will get over it one day. I know she will! She was paranoid that I'd be annoyed with her for being a miserable cow, but I told her to shut it and that if you can't be a miserable cow around your friends, who can you do it with? We were deliberating whether it would be a good idea for her to get in touch with him, but we've drawn the conclusion that it would not be a good use of her energy.

It's amazing with breakups. It's the women that tend to sit around and pine and shed tears. He, like lots of guys, is probably (hopefully) upset, but he'll be getting on with his life and won't have burnt up his energy thinking about the relationship. Us women have a lot to learn!

I was talking about Shrek 2 with another friend today. What a good film! It's easy to forget how good kids films can be. I think that it's quite funny that despite the fact that Shrek is an ogre and that he feels inferior because he is not a beautiful human like the Prince Charming, he still displays the annoyingly cocky male traits and is plagued with male pride! Prince Charming though, is a reminder to all women that a man with too much looks is a dangerous thing. No woman wants a man that spends more time in front of the mirror than they do!

I always be careful of men where you feel overwhelmed by their good looks. It can be difficult to separate fact from the face. I really do believe that women can be kept longer in a relationship by the looks. If an average man gave them the same headache as the 'looker' he'd be out on his ear quicker than you can say 'mirror'.

Can Men & Women Be Just Friends?

I am fascinated by this 'Spurtius' character that posted a comment about how difficult it is for him to be friends with a woman because he always has sex on his mind. Well at least he's honest! He claims he'd like to be friends with women because we make good conversationalists. (I like Spurtius because he keeps it real!) He has the obstacle though of his raging testosterone though because he always thinks about the lady friends in a sexual way.

Spurtius, you are not telling me anything that many women don't already suspect. I work with a load of apes that struggle to remember the name of many of the women in the office, but as soon as they hear, 'The one with the big rack', 'The one with the massive knockers', 'The one that always has her thong hanging out' they suddenly know the woman that's being referred to!

I went through a phase of falling out with male friends in my late teens and early twenties because it turns out that they were not trying to be a friend.

You can pretty much categorise male friends like this:

A) He harbors the occasional lustful thought, but is passive about making something happen, and values your friendship.
B) He became friends with you in an attempt to try to sleep with you, failed, but has resigned himself to friendship.
C) He became friends with you in attempt to sleep with you, but failed, and is waiting for his next opportunity.
D) He’s married or in a relationship, but could possibly be part of any of the previous categories
E) He's friends with a guy who is any of the above categories, doesn't want to have a conflict of interest, but still harbors sexual thoughts.
F) He’s gay.
G) Very occasionally, you do get the guy that really, truly just wants to be a woman's friend. Enjoy this man's friendship!

Spurtius says that men have a 'sperm fetish'. Well, I think it's weird and it boggles my brain. The big question still remains though: If men do have this fetish about sperm, why are they so resistant to tasting their own, but obsessed with a woman swallowing it?

The Weird Sexual World of a Man

Just home after a few drinks (soft ones for me!) with a few of my work colleagues. It's been a long and draining week and surprisingly we spent most of it gossiping and telling ridiculous dirty stories that we've heard. There were a few moments where I felt dangerously nauseous!

I heard tales that involved sweetcorn, teabagging, Tabasco sauce, ice-cubes, Alka-seltzer and lots more. I have no intentions of being graphic but it is amazing what people do with their spare time! I think someone has to be really odd to think of using various everyday household products to get their rocks off.

We also talked about many men's fascination with strippers, hookers, and BJ's. I've been to a couple of strip clubs and I found them to be extremely boring, and I really don't understand what the fuss is all about. I've had a lapdancer shake her money maker far too close for comfort, and I just felt repulsed. I actually know of men who spend thousands of pounds a month on strippers, and they have a separate tab for hookers!

By all accounts the average woman gets to miss out on many of the fascinating aspects of a mans sexual world. I'm like many women when I use the toilet at work. I go for a wee (I don't believe in doing No.2's at work unless your unwell), wash my hands and leave. Apparently some men masturbate at work! That is just weird! Imagine being a woman and turning around to your female colleagues and saying, 'I'm just off to the toilet to play with myself.' Well apparently the guys know of other guys who make it part of their routine to announce their dubious intentions and head off for a while!

I'm glad that I went out with them because they've made me laugh hard for the first time in days. We did talk about the horrible situation at work but we didn't dwell on it for too long.

I slept like sh*t last night as I woke up in the middle of the night dreaming about ad revenues and some bookings that I have made over the past couple of days. I realised that I must have been awake for about an hour so at 4.30am I switched the TV back on and attempted to watch a weird programme on BBC News. It was so boring it kept me awake so I flicked and eventually landed at Ricki Lake, where as usual people were unburdening themselves of their unpleasant secrets. I was asleep within 5 minutes!

Work Chaos

The past couple of days at work have been worse than I could ever have imagined. When I went into work on Tuesday morning I had no idea what lay in store for me or everybody else, but we soon found out that there has been a massive restructure. To be frank, there's been some scary sh*t going down and if there's one thing I can be sure of, it's that life has a funny way of coming along and giving you a slap on the backside. I think mine is black and blue!

It doesn't spell bad news for me depending on which way I choose to look at it, because if everybody does what they have promised then I should see a promotion out of it. To be truthful though, this whole thing has thrown me into a tailspin and it's at a time like this, that I think I should take stock of what I'm doing with my life.

In some ways I fell back into working in my industry because I had broken up with my ex, just finished a degree, needed to move, needed to earn, and like most students do, had debt. Maybe now is the time for me to make some changes.

Things that unpleasant situations like this reveal is that:

Men don't know how to explain things. They gloss over and give an arse-ways summary, when really what you want is an explanation that makes you feel comforted.

Men struggle to show emotion even in difficult times like what we are experiencing in my workplace. It makes me feel like sticking a rocket up their backsides. I'm sure I'd see emotion then! On the other hand though, emotion is probably the last thing that you want to show when you're being the bearer of difficult news!

Women can show too much emotion but there are lots of different things at play within a woman including her hormones and a more open caring side generally, so this is a contributing factor.

My boss has the subtlety of a brick through your window. God love him, most of the time he means well, but he bumbles his way through awkward situations, and today I just about managed to restrain myself from telling him to 'F*ck off'! The great thing about my boss is he would probably take it very well if I had said that to him. He's very uncomfortable with very feminine displays of emotion!

It's been a long couple of days and I hope I make it to the end of the week without murdering someone! There are turbulent times ahead and I just want things to settle down and I want to know what the hell I am doing at work!

Monday Mayhem

Why don't I ever have a good Monday? Whilst I woke up feeling very rested, I also woke up half an hour late. This wasn't as disastrous as it could have been because I normally set my alarm too early, but it did mean that my flatmate probably had a cold shower.

I got to work only to discover that the guy I 'manage' decided not to come in because he's tired. I'll show him tired when he brings his ass in to work tomorrow. I have to sort out three horrible copy deadlines on my own and as usual I found out loads of his cock ups on his absence. He is a dead man walking!

After feeling relieved that my stomach seemed okay for the first couple of hours this morning, it the went and let me down, and I was feeling very iffy for the remainder of the day. If I only I could have called in sick! Oh no, I forgot, someone else far less conscientious than me got there before me!

I did have a good giggle at lunch because we were talking about babies and the guys looked distinctly frightened. One of them even asked us to stop talking about it in case we jinxed him. He claims to keep a couple of pregancy tests around just in case. I'm not sure if he's joking but I've never heard of this.

On a good note, my friend that got married last month is on her way over for a girlie night in. I will get to see myself walking down the aisle! I hate seeing myself on camera! Must run!

Agony Aunt & Fight Night

Back to Lee Lee again, who following my view on the dream and the reality of being 27 yesterday wants to know if I have any words of advice about turning 25. I will try not to be cynical!

Well most people I know agree that for some reason when you turn 25 you suddenly feel like an adult, and how we view the world changes and creeps up on you slowly. I would definitely recommend that if you have visions/dreams/goals about where you want to be over the next few years, to put pen to paper. I sat down earlier this year after going through a period of feeling confused about where I was going and what I was doing, and wrote a list. It put things in perspective for me. It's not set in stone and you may not look at it again or for a while, but it can put you in the right direction.

Things you can learn from me at 25:
1) Start saving (It's never too late but the earlier the better)
2) Get on the housing ladder if you aren't already.
3) Be choosier about who you date/have relationships with. You don't have to think of things with a view to marriage but you should definitely be thinking, 'Do I want to spend a chunk of my life around this person?'
4) Don't ignore your gut.
5) Acknowledge the things that bug you about a person in the early stages of a relationship because it's normally those things that bug the hell out of you further down the line.
6) Know your worth at work. If you don't like your job, change it, or work to iron out the issues that annoy you. It's where you could be for a few years.
7) Enjoy life. I may be quite cynical but I really enjoy my life most of the time (except for when I feel like banging my head off my desk at work!)

I am severely overtired today. I've had about 5 hours sleep and mixed in with a dodgy stomach, I feel like a bag of sh*t! I had a really good night out with B and the boys though, so at least I have a good excuse for my tiredness.

Horrible moment of the evening was when B was convinced that we were going to be beaten up in the club by these horrible bitches in the toilet queue. As usual there was a lengthy line and whilst I waited, B quickly went to the bar to get a drink. When she came back, some of the waiting women asked her where she was going, and obviously feeling a bit intimidated, she said she was going to look in the mirror. She arrived beside me just as it was my turn to go in and she came in the cubicle with me to repeated shouts of 'Liar! Liar!' and 'She said she was going to the mirror the lying bitch!' and other pointless rubbish. There were loads of them shouting and I was livid and felt like going out there and giving them a piece of mind. B being drunk already was afraid to leave the toilets and begged me to wait until they were gone. We could actually hear the skanky cows talking about us in the toilets!

I think they were all forgetting a vital point: We were sharing a cubicle. Who I choose to share a cubicle with and pull my pants down around is none of their bloody business!

When we came out their were two women whispering and staring at us, so I gave them a filthy look and that was the end of that. I'm not the biggest of girls at 5ft 3" and about 7.5 stone, but I do know how to do dirty looks!

The guys were getting some hassle from some weird guy that tried to dance with me & B, so we had gone downstairs because we didn't want to be involved in a scuffle. What the hell was wrong with people last night?

We had a really good time dancing around to cheesy tunes such as Lionel Ritchie's 'All Night Long'. That song is an instant feel good song and sometimes we sing his songs at work. We actually emailed him when he dj'd for Heart FM on Valentine's day. We begged him to phone our work number and leave a voicemail singing 'Hello' but for some reason he didn't do it.........

How I Envisioned 27 Years Old

Lee Lee wants to know what I thought 27 would be like when I was 20. Being totally honest, I definitely didn't envision experiencing some of the man trouble I've experienced which has a lot to do with how I am now.

I thought I would be in a steady relationship, possibly engaged after spending my early to mid twenties having fun. I thought I'd have more money and less debt, and I don't think I pictured myself living in London, although it's difficult to imagine living anywhere else! To be honest, I thought being 27 would be easier. Don't get me wrong, I am very far from having a terrible life and I really enjoy my lifestyle, but I thought that things would fall together a bit easier.

I was brought up during a time when it was independent woman this and independent woman that. It was constantly being drummed into us via the media and even our families that women could have the big job, great relationship, children, and the nice lifestyle and that we should expect nothing less.

At 20, I had debunked out of the horrible degree course I was on after doing 2 out of 3 years (I really hated it!), and had spent a few months in the US away from my family for the first time ever. It wasn't the easiest year of my life, but like you do when you're that age, you grab life by the horns, go on the p*ss a lot and have a good time, with a quiet confidence that everything will work out alright.

I definitely felt that by the time I reached 27, I was going to be sorted - own a flat (I don't), earning good money in a good job (not doing too badly on that front actually), have savings (don't even ask), in a steady relationship/engaged (doing abysmally), well traveled (done very well there), and a strong circle of family and friends (done very well there too!).

I thought I would be all loved up with a guy that understood me and shared in my life and dreams by now. Instead I've dated and gone out with the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker (not literally but you get the idea), and I have yet to be in a relationship where the guy doesn't try to get rid of the very things that attract them - my ambition, my independent streak, my feistiness, and my ability to talk straight.

On the emotional front I didn't think I would be as cynical as I am now at 27. I believed I would have less insecurities, more open, less wary. I'm far from being riddled with insecurities, but like every normal person I have a few. Whereas I threw myself into relationships with gusto without thinking too much about the future, now I find myself very wary, cautious, and harder. When I think back to 20, I didn't see myself like this.

One things for certain. Women can't have it all and I think that's why our lives are at odd generally with whatever we envisioned for ourselves when we were young and restless. I am very different from when I was 20 in terms of how I see the world and what I dream and hope for. It's been a steep learning curve, which is why I laugh to myself about my 20 year old colleague who thinks he holds the key to divine happiness and knows it all. He has a lot to learn yet. Let's see what he has to say in 7 years! He probably won't even remember his current girlfriend's name!

Right, I'm off as I'm meeting B and the boys for a gang night out and I haven't even eaten yet!