Crampy Tuesday

I have period pain cramps and feel like poo! As usual my womb feels like it's trying to make a bid for freedom, but I'm not feeling weepy, which is a blessed relief! Due to the fact that I pack everything but the kitchen sink in my bag, I was naturally prepared for the onslaught! Each timeI get my period, I silently wish that my male colleagues had to have periods and listen to their own sh*te talk all day! In my new office, I have to listen to mens childish banter all day and constant bickering over football, style of shirts, mothers, and beer. Jaysus!

I am loving the listing the contents of handbags , and now The Final Broadcast , like a true man, has listed the contents of his car! Whilst he doesn't quite rival Retail Hell and I, it seems that men 'carry' a lot of crap around with them too! He has, not 1, not 2, but 3 maps in his car, but I wisecracked on his blog that I thought that men don't like to admit that they don't know where they are going!

I was watching one of my all time favorite shows, CSI last night, and used a little fact from the show to unsuspectingly disturb one of my male colleagues. Do you know that there is no DNA in pre-ejaculated sperm? This means that a peeping tom that jacks off outside your window and possibly attacks you afterwards (this is what happens in the episode, although I fell asleep during the last 20 mins, so he may not have attacked her!), leaves no trace! For some reason, this made the guy I 'manage' feel ill.

I felt ill when he asked me at the end of the afternoon, whether the £20 bunch of flowers that he had bought for his date would suffice to get her into bed! I know that he and a few of the other twit guys I work with, regard me as some sort of fountain of knowledge when it comes to women, men and relationships, but friggin hell! He also asked me whether I would sleep with a man that gave me flowers! I told him that there are some women you can get into bed with a pint and a packet of crisps, but that sure as hell isn't me! It's very possible that she may sleep with him tonight though, so I'm obviously hard work!

He left work reeking of the shepherds pie with Parmesan that he had for lunch, and the distinct smell of Eau de Sweat! (bet you don't have that in your car TFB !) Diplomacy meant that I had to keep my mouth shut but boy was I relieved when he left! B and I followed him out though and showed him up in front of his date by calling after him. In hindsight we realised that we should have shouted after him that the kids would give him a call later in the evening.....That would have been very funny!

My Handbag & The Kitchen Sink

In tribute to my friend over at Retail Hell who noted that I take everything but the kitchen sink with me when I leave the house for work, this is what I have in my bag today:

iPod
Ridiculous pink mittens
Deception Point by Dan Brown
Large wallet that others could possibly use as a clutch bag
Migraleve for the migraines brought on by the dickheads I work with
Umbrella
Keys
Checkbook
Oyster Pass
Work pass
Mobile phone
2 pens
Hairbrush
Inhaler
2 Juicy Lancome lipgloss tubes
Super and regular tampax (just in case!)
Expense receipts floating at the bottom of my bag
Blueberry Muller fruit corner yoghurt
Haribo Tropifruit bag of sweets (donation to the team for today's binge-fest)
1 banana
2 aero bars (to add to the emergency stash)
8 spoons (just took them from Pret when I got my tea)
11 sachets of sugar (not going to use all at once. I'm going to keep them in my draw with the spoons)
Medication

B.O & Cheesy Willy's - Oh Dear, It's Monday!

I rolled out of bed this morning at 7.25am wondering how the hell I was going to make it to work. As I stumbled in a fog into the shower, I seriously wondered what would happen if I just climbed back into bed and snuggled under the duvet. Then I remembered that my sh*t doesn't pay for itself and to get my arse in gear! I was sitting on the tube listening to my iPod when I glanced at the clock on it which said 9.21am and I nearly sh*t myself in fright! For about 5 seconds I believed that I had gotten up at the wrong time, and then I checked my mobile phone and breathed in a big fat sigh of relief! It was 8.40am!

We're all sitting in our new teams now that the restructure has finally taken place, and I must admit that I am reveling in the peace and quiet. The Nuisances that I used to sit with are no longer my problem, although my old boss still sits across the way from me and lets himself down constantly! I had to suffer through 40 friggin minutes of football talk this morning as we all unpacked our stuff at our new desks, and there was such a temptation to say something really loud and obnoxious about periods or something else that men find equally upsetting, just so that they would shut the hell up!

I think that editorial already hate the sales teams guts because they think we're too noisy. For once, I cannot be included. It's all of the guys blabbering on about football and testing out each others ego's all day!

The guy I 'manage' reeked of B.O. today, and there were a few moments where I thought I may keel over. Anybody who knows me or reads this blog, knows I hate funny smells and lack of hygiene. They say that sweat has pheremones (did I mispell that?), that turn on women, but it turns me off! Any man that wants to stand a chance with me must smell fresh and clean and be very hygienic. This guy, and a few other funky guys I have come across, are the kinds of guy I suspect have knob cheese, and that is never pleasant! I feel heavish at the thought! I'm figuring if you can't be bothered to scrub your armpit, it's quite likely that you'll forget to scrub your willy too! Ugh!This guy is always pulling girls and I just can't imagine what they think when he whips his willy out! Mind you, maybe they lack a bit of hygiene themselves! Seriously though - I bet he expects to get BJ's despite the fact that he smells funky! I can feel myself swooning at the thought!

I have to go. If I ever plan to eat tonight, I must forget about what I have just typed!

Road Rage

I can't believe that I have reached the end of my week off and that I have to drag myself back to work kicking and screaming in the morning. I don't know what I'm going to wear, and I've also got to sort out my handbag as I have been using a few different ones since I've been off, which means my stuff is spread out all over the place. I am one of these women that brings everything but the kitchen sink in my work handbag, as I am afraid of needing something and not having it.

After being chilled and relaxed for most of the week, my aunt's boyfriend caused me to let rip today! I went round for my Sunday dinner and to talk about a few projects that he's trying to rope me into, but I'm resisting his efforts. Anyway, my aunt wasn't there when I first arrived, which meant that I was badgered without her protection, and somehow found myself in his car on the way to a computer fair. Apparently he needed to talk to me and he felt the journey would be good for this, as opposed to leaving me in peace back in the house where I could have put my feet up and watched the Eastenders omnibus, or re-runs of my darling O.C.

Despite going for a wee before I left, by the time we arrived at the fair after a torturous journey down the north circular, I felt like I needed to go again. (Too much coca-cola!) He told me to wait in the car and I specifically told him that I would need to go to the bathroom soon, so to hurry up, and he told me he'd be back in 10 minutes. Thirty friggin minutes later he still hadn't come back yet, and I cut off a call with B to phone him and demand that he get his chunky arse back to the car. He told me he'd be back in a minute. I had to phone him again almost 10 minutes later, where I was now speaking with a high pitched voice as my bladder felt like it was at my knees!

Finally just over 40 minutes later, the selfish good-for-nothing got back in the car, where we proceeded to argue about how long he had been gone for. He claims he was gone for no more than 15 minutes, yet I made my first gossip phonecall when he went in the fair just over 40 minutes earlier! As he drove down the road and he accused me of making up the time scale, I found myself screaming at him in frustration as I listened to his excuses. Then he had the cheek to apologise and said that he shouldn't have bickered with me about how long he had been gone because he was in the wrong. Naturally because I was cranky, I roared at him that he should have just bloody apologised in the first place instead of trying to justify himself. Now all of a sudden I'm hearing, 'Didn't you hear me say I'm sorry' as he tried to turn it back on me! I know I shouldn't have risen to the bait and stayed quiet after he apologised but he kept making snide comments about how long he had been gone for, and I STILL hadn't gone to the bloody toilet!

As we pulled into the driveway, he asked me not to be a rat and tell my aunt. My bladder wasn't interested in his worries, and I belted it inside and up the stairs, where I had a long overdue wee! Bastard! And I did tell my aunt and hopefully she'll cut off his food supply or something!

On the dating front, I think that things may be picking up. I'm hoping to meet up with one of the guys from speed dating this week, and I've agreed to meet up with another one possibly this week too, although he's really friendship material. Another guy gave me his number after we had a dance on Friday night and I left him a message earlier, so fingers crossed, I'll be lining up a few dates! I am loving my new burst of dating energy!

I was in a club on Friday night and wearing a halter neck which had long strings draped down my back, and childish men kept tugging on it when I walked past. Two things could have happened, but fortunately didn't: The stupid f*ckers could have choked me or they could have exposed one of my breasts. Oh dear......

Getting The Knickers Down

Before I begin to rabbit on, I must welcome back Lee Lee, who I hadn't heard from for a while. I thought he'd vanished off the face of the earth, or I upset him with my man-bashing! Hee hee! Also, thanks to Stu for the gmail account.

Lee Lee wants to know what does get my knickers down and I have to say that there isn't any one thing that is guaranteed to get them down. In the past it's been a combination of how well I've known someone, personality, humour, charm, and........booze. I think it will be a lot harder for a man to relieve me of my delicates now because I'm sober when I'm out and sharp as a razor blade. Some of the imbeciles I went out with before wouldn't have stood a chance in hell of getting my knickers down if alcohol hadn't had it's part to play! (I know, I'm a b*tch!)

I have a few friends who f*ck like rabbits, but they are all a few years younger than me, and the majority of my friends are like me now where they don't let the knickers down so readily. Also, most of the sexually frivolous friends I have are male.

One thing that's for sure is that nobody will be getting my knickers down the first time I meet them, unless they are Brad Pitt / Colin Farrell / Morris Chestnut /or the guy that plays Dennis in Eastenders , and then I may have to make concessions!

I've watched 14 out 24 episodes series 1 of 24 this week. I am addicted, although Jack annoys me because he has that male pride and arrogance that seems to have him convinced that he is invincible and that he can do it all. I almost want something to happen to the wife or daughter just to see him knocked off his perch (don't tell me if something does!)

I think I am meeting one of the guys I speed-dated last week. He's a shorter version of Jude Law. Ish! He claims to be an investment banker or financial broker (can't remember which). I was a bit suspicious because out of 20 dates, more than half claimed to be investment bankers or financial brokers. I wonder if they think that it's what women want to hear....

Also, yet again, I have had my theory proved that men do not know how to be friends with women . My friend has broken up with her husband recently, and since she has told her male friends, they are now calling her all the time, flirting etc, when she only used to hear from them occasionally. I've warned her not to be naive. She's tried to rationalise it. I told her straight: "They're trying to f*ck you!"

She can talk with them, meet up with them, as long as she remembers to keep her wits about her, and that they are all trying to get in her knickers down. Honestly, whatever happened to comforting a woman in her time of need? Why are they are trying to slip her the mickey? Shame on them! I think that men think that all women need a man in their life. When men break up with women, their homing radars on their penises immediately (sometimes subconsciously) seek out a replacement, and because of this, men are under the misguided impression that women do it too. Oh dear.....

Pervy Guys Ahoy!

I am sooooo tired it is unreal! So much so that I am going to have a nap in a while. I love saying that! If I had to be at work today I would have had to suffer out the tiredness! I love being at home!

I didn't get in until just before 2am, after being at a work do at a club in central London. It was quite good and I spent the last few hours tearing up the dance floor, which is probably why I feel like sh*te today! At least I don't have hangovers anymore!

I am amazed at how people change when they have a few drinks in them! There were people who I think are quite strait-laced, bumping and grinding with each other, and others kept falling over on the dancefloor! Some of the guys were a bit letchy once they had a few drinks down them. I was introduced to a guy who within seconds of the conversation starting, told me I had lovely breasts! It's not as if they were even on show! - I thought I'd do demure last night!
I heard so many things last night that were decidedly pervy that I have decided to put it down to it being a bad dream!

One woman came out in a top that she had mistaken for a dress, and I had to avert my eyes when she was bopping away on the dancefloor, as I didn't literally want to see right up her! She had men crawling around her all evening, but she was loving it! I don't think I would like that kind of attention myself!

I did talk to quite a lot of guys last night but none of them took my fancy. A lot of them talked complete and utter sh*te, but I probably perceive it as sh*te because I can't really drink and get drunk. It's quite funny being sober when guys crack on to you because I either get really embarrassed, but more often than not, I start to get the giggles. The ex office lothario was out last night and he came over, kissed my hand, and then sniffed me.

I didn't know what to do, although there was a temptation to swat him away like a fly! I can see how he used to pull the women because he is one smooth operator! I didn't know him before he left the company, but I certainly got a touch of his ways when he was sniffing me and telling me how sexy I smelt, and being melodramatic about it! Thankfully, I'm really cynical, and that verbal diarrhea doesn't get my knickers down!

Right, I need a kip. My eyes are closing over!

You've Gotta Flush After You Push!

I had a horrid experience with my cow of a flatmates boyfriend today which involves pooh and him semi-dressed! Now as anybody who is reading this knows, I am off at the moment and having some blissful me time, which seems to be interrupted by something unpleasant each day!

I was in the kitchen this morning and I heard a strange noise, but because it didn't happen again, I chose to forget about it. A couple of hours later I was dressed and ready to head out when I heard a banging noise in the kitchen and decided to investigate. What do I find but my flippin' hallway smelling like a serious case of the bubble guts (ie. runs) and him rooting in his girlfriends cupboard with his dressing gown half open as if he friggin lives here!

He kept his head hidden in the cupboard because the smell of his fragrant sh*t hung ominously in the air between us. I took something out the fridge and studiously ignored him on my way out.

I came back in the afternoon after hanging out with my friend Nac for a few hours (we had a lovely catch up and had a bitch about our exes!) and just as I'm sitting down to go for a wee, I realise the toilet is chock full of his sh*t! Sweet mother of Jesus! I nearly f*cking threw up! I have to swear by the way - I feel dizzy just remembering!

I cannot wait to move because the only sh*t I'll smell is my own or any visitors! (Not that I admit that I sh*t as I'm like the Queen - joke!) I am a firm believer that people have to go when they have to go (except for at work unless truly, truly desperate) but there is no need to leave behind a big friggin flag saying that not only have you taken a sh*t but that you have no respect for hygiene or my bloody bathroom!

And of course he pees on the toilet seat!

I've got a work do tomorrow evening with clients and agencies. I'd better dress up just in case there is any totty!

Oh and courtesy of my friend at The Final Broadcast, I'm getting a gmail account! I know this is a good thing, I just have no idea why! F*ck it! At least I have one! I work for a company in the technology industry so I'm sure that this will give me kudos! Hee hee! (I say in a Michael Jackson voice!)

One Man Driving Me Mad!

I love being off work and God knows how I'll be able to drag myself back to work next week! Sweet freedom is beautiful! No phone ringing, no pesky work colleagues driving me mad, no tube! Oh, what bliss!

That was until about 8.30pm when my aunt's boyfriend phoned me and broke my blissful peace! He blabbered on and on bossing me about and giving me his 'opinions' on some of my proposed changes for the blog, and quite frankly annoyed the sh*t out of me. It's not that I don't like hearing other people's opinions, but like a few other men I know, he doesn't know how to put across his opinion. It's that, 'I am always right' mentality coupled with not being able to admit when they're wrong, being treated as if I'm clueless, and them not listening and liking the sound of their own voices too much! I thought my ear was going to fall off!

My mistake was listening to him. I should have put the phone down on the bed and said yes every minute or so to convinve him that I was till paying attention! I could feel myself getting wound up, plus I missed the second episode of Corrie , plus the first few minutes of the O.C!

I let myself down a bit this evening and cried during the last episode of the O.C ! I was blubbering as if I was at a bloody wedding! It's only a friggin' TV programme! It's brilliant though........

I am spending a fortune in Marks & Spencer and Sainsbury's, two of the most expensive supermarkets ever! It's because I need snacks and food for lunch when I'm at home, and a woman has her preferences! I guess my splurges will be offset by not buying my lunch in Soho everyday this week!

Right I have to go. Corrie is riveting! Yes I know I need to get out of my flat. Tomorrow!

Weekends Over - Naughty Men

I had just over 4 hours sleep last night, following a very long night of dancing with the girls. I woke up at 9.35am and not matter how much I willed myself to go back to sleep it just wasn't happening because I reeked of smoke, felt ridiculously thirsty and I had to take my tablets. After throwing myself in the shower, changing all the bed linen, and having my breakfast, in between watching Hollyoaks, I tried to go back to sleep just after 12. Then I remembered that I was going to my brothers for dinner, so I had to make it a cat nap instead. I felt like sh*te by the time I got on the tube!

My brother made me a lovely dinner of this enormous cod and salmon fishcake, and like a true man, he told me to make sure that I told my mum that he had cooked dinner from scratch! Do men always have to be patted on the back for everything they do? We had a lovely afternoon chatting and flopping in front of the TV, and I admit to dozing off for about an hour and feeling like someone had run me over when I woke up! Fortunately my brother had a hard night too and was snoring away beside me. Apparently he pulled and didn't make it home till this morning.

I had a half hearted read of that weekly mens mag Zoo , and it was full of tits and ass! When I closed my eyes to the images, the editorial was quite funny though. I read womens magazines and they don't have lots of naked men cavorting all over the place. Is something like Zoo representative of what men like? I would hate to think that you can only get men to read or buy something if it's been propped up by tits and ass!

I didn't pull last night but I did have a few dances and one of them may have some potential in the future. I need to suss out whether he has baggage though so I refuse to get even remotely excited. Plus I can honestly say that he is more 'fun' potential than relationship potential. I think that men need to realise that whilst women are not looking for emotional diarrahea, if a man has baggage or just wants some fun instead of a relationship, we would appreciate being told. I like to make an informed decision based on having all evidence at hand!

My brother was telling me that a close friend of his has broken up with her boyfriend of several years, and that despite seeming like a very nice guy, he told his girlfriend that he no longer loved her whilst on holiday and then cheated on her to add salt to the wound. This was after getting her to give up her job to pursue interests with him. My brother told me that there are two types of bad men: Men that let you know that they're dicks and men who act like they are sweetness and light, but are dicks underneath. I love my brother!

It's the conundrum - Which would a woman prefer? The man who lets you know up front that he's going to screw you, or the one that plays you finely tuned guitar, charms you, and then screws you anyway?

I received this email yesterday from one of the speed-daters. I have no idea who he is, but the guy is strange!

"Hi

Friend eh?...and there was i falling in love with you!

Cheers"

Hot tip guys - This is not the way to a womans heart. This is how a man can look a little weird and what the hell am I supposed to respond to that. He didn't even identify himself!

I'm watching chav tv, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and amongst the Z list celebs entering, I've just heard Sophie Anderton say something about people assume that she's a blank canvas and a clothes horse and she wants to show people that she's more than that. I assume she was being ironic!

Speed Dating Rocks

After a year of pissing about saying that I will do speed dating, I finally did it last night, and I must say that I am sorry that I didn't try it sooner! It is brilliant fun! Before anyone thinks I met someone, I didn't meet anyone who I thought, 'Sh*t, I'm in love!', but I have already had a date match, and there are at least two men that I would definitely like to stay friends with.

I took a relatives advice and decided to let the men do a bit more talking and I wasn't as boisterous as I usually am. Apparently because I'm confident and very talkative, this may in fact not give men an opportunity to put themselves across to me. Yeah whatever! - But I did take the advice!

I wore a wrap-around top, which made my bust look nice, but didn't put it on show, a short-ish(but not tarty) pleated skirt, and my FMB's (F*ck Me Boots). Yes I know that was a bit naughty, but I actually wore a different pair of shoes to work and it was pissing rain when I got to work, so I changed into the boots that I had just re-heeled. Most guys couldn't see them when I was sitting down, so hopefully I didn't look like I was gagging for a shag!

Making conversation was quite easy, although the first guy sounded like the robot voice on my childhood Speak and Spell'! "Do. You.Travel.?", "How. Are.You?"

One of the guys smelt like wet tweed and pooh and I got a fit of the giggles towards the end and had to tell him that it was nerves! What made me laugh was the thought of writing, 'Smells like pooh' on the scorecard and showing it to my friend!

My last date of the evening introduced himself by telling me that he thought that all he was going to meet were a load of Bridget Jones saddo's trying to get a ring on his finger, but that he had been pleasantly surprised.This made me think the following:

If you thought that was what you were going to meet, what did you come out for? Oh that's right-The need for a shag is way bigger than your fear of these 'saddo's'!

This guy was wearing a polyester shirt imitating as silk, which was unbuttoned almost to his belly button and it was begging for someone to hang a noose, I mean a medallion around his neck. What has made him so cocky?

We actually had a laugh and a giggle during the date and at the end I looked at him deadly serious and said, 'Will you marry me?'. He actually looked shocked and after a few seconds he said, 'Are you f*cking serious?'. The state of him! My answer, 'Are you out of your mind?' He looked relieved!

Managed to behave myself and not say anything remotely dirty, until after the speed dating had ended. And then I let myself down! Mike, who I definitely would like to be friends with was telling me that he had a few dates during the evening that were painful and he couldn't wait for the 3 minutes to be over. Before I thought about it, I wisecracked, 'Yeah, I had a few of those too. It's like bad sex, you just can't wait for it to be over. You're clock watching and thinking, hurry the hell up!'. He looked shocked for a few seconds and then his face broke out in this big smile. I think he thinks I'm nuts.

I am off work until the 29th. I intend to chill out and do all the things I say I want to do but don't. I also plan to do lots of things with this blog. I wonder if I'll do any of these things!

Lets Go Dating

Two more work days to go and then I'm off work until the 29th! Can't you just tell that I really want the time off?

Today was a much better day at work. I finally shook off the bloody horrid headache I had yesterday, managed to be quite productive and managed not to let the guy I 'manage' p*ss me off. Being true to form, like most men that forget whatever they have been told, he was back to being his usual self as soon as he came in. I expected nothing less! You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink!

Now, tomorrow night I am going speed dating with a friend of mine. I have no particular expectations and plan to have a really good time. All of the places have been sold so it seems that my friend and I are not the desperado's that we thought we were!

Happy birthday to my dear friend Nic Nac, who I'm heading off to meet soon to have a quick drink and do the present giving. So I'm going to haul myself into the shower and prepare myself for a lovely, gleeful, girlie, bitchy session! I promise to be on my best behavior tomorrow and I will give all the men a chance!

I also need to plan my work outfit - I somehow need to look like I've just left work, but do sexy, without looking like I'm too up for it! Oh, the effort!

Drama Kings

I cannot wait to be off next week. I think I need some time out from work because today when the guy I 'manage' had one of his prima donna fits, I saw red, managed to keep my temper, but ended up with a big fat headache. If I threw as many hissy fits as some of the guys at work, I'd be labeled as a drama queen or they'd think I was having a period or something. What's their excuse?

Another major peeve of mine is that these drama kings love to say the first thing that enters their heads, kick off, and they say, 'I didn't think.' Too bleedin' right! The apologies go over my head because whilst they are well meant, by tomorrow, everything will have been forgotten about, and they'll do the same thing all over again!

Men wear out my brain!

Case of The Ex/Toilet Drama

First things first, I must tell you about my unexpected encounter with my ex yesterday. Now I can say hand on heart that I didn't feel anything. Nothing good, nothing bad, just a sense of calm. You know when you imagine something happening and you think you'll sh*t a brick in fear? Well, I was way off track in my imaginings, not that I had many of them!

The one thing that stood out is that he was really nice to me. I almost thought he was pleased to see me as he seemed quite enthusiastic. Some men can be quite 'showy' though, and he had a couple of my friends in the vicinity who he probably didn't want to look like a prick in front of!

One of my friends knows him quite well, and the other lives in his apartment building, where I used to live. The one that knows him quite well decided to pay him a visit when we went to collect the other friend. I stayed inside my friends place as despite my various cock ups, I try to avoid embarrassment, I swear! Anyway he insisted on her getting me to come out and say hello, so I went out and gave him a hug and a kiss and made chit chat for a few minutes. When we were interrupted by my waiting friends, I quickly said goodbye, and walked off without a backward glance. And it felt good. Real good!

Breaking up with someone is never easy and walking away from my relationship with my ex, who I was also engaged to was very painful and difficult. My whole life just changed so dramatically and it took months for things to settle down. The strange thing was that I never thought, 'Sh*t! I made a mistake. I should have stayed!'. I always felt that I had made the right decision for the time and the circumstances.

He was very hurt and his pride took a serious dent when I walked away from him, but I always wonder why a man expects you to stick around when he's not treating you the best and doesn't have the balls to finish it? I think a man's pride struggles with a woman finishing it with him, even though it's what he wanted. That's why I asked before why men can't finish relationships? It's because they're afraid of confrontation and emotional discussions, so they treat the woman badly so that she takes the hint and tells him to p*ss off anyway. Then his pride takes a dent because she's done exactly what he intended for her to do in the first place!

Anyway today has been the usual Monday of the hours dragging by and the guys in the office annoying the sh*t out of me. Admittedly I wore a shirt which whilst it used to look a little bit busty, it was only about half way through the day when I realised that I was looking extra-busty and drawing some unwanted attention from the pigs I work with. I can't wait to get the bloody thing off me now, but it's this over-the-head shirt with a zip down the side, and my 'slightly' bigger bust is making putting this shirt on and taking it off, into a game of acrobatics.

Oh and I broke the bloody flush handle on the toilet last night. I swear all I did was try to flush in a non-heavy-handed manner, and the stupid thing broke off. I managed to use the handle to flush (don't ask me how) and then tried to see if I could somehow fix it, and promptly dropped it in the toilet! I had to put my bare hand in the wretched toilet because I panicked! How rank is that! I scrubbed my hands but they still reeked of bleach all night and I think I woke myself up a few times with the smell. Ugh! How embarrassed was I when I explained myself to the landlord today? Oh dear.......

Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason

I think that B and I truly knew that we were single, when we were making our way towards the screen room in the cinema last night, and as B rooted in her bag for our tickets to show the usher, he said without needing to see them, 'Bridget Jones?', and waved us through without waiting for an answer, or checking our tickets! Do we look like we're single women? What would he have done if we had said, "Er no, we're here to see 'Alien Vs Predator'!" Cheeky git!

I recommend that everybody go and see, 'Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason' though. I am inclined to think it was better than the first and nearly wet myself laughing a few times. Renee Zellwegger is an excellent actress , and the Bridget Jones films are the only films I fancy Hugh Grant in. He should wear a white shirt and black trousers with his tan all the time! B and I were drooling in our seats! Colin Firth had a few moments where he looked quite handsome, but it was Hugh Grant all the way. He's a rogue though, so ultimately we want to end up with a Mark Darcy (Colin Firth) who will love us and treat us well! I will not ruin the film for anyone, but the skiing and the fight scenes really did almost make me pee myself laughing.

I find Bridget really endearing and I think it's hilarious the way she bumbles through life on a series of misunderstandings, but she never gives up and continues to plough on. I being a woman who has some dubious taste in men, has bared my arse when my skirt blows up in the tube station (and on the street) more times than I care to remember, and made plenty of faux pas with my big mouth, enjoys seeing a film like this.

However, I don't think that I am a Bridget Jones, although I do think every woman can relate to elements of her character and aspects of her calamitous life. I couldn't give two f*cks about calorie counting, and I'm not that fussed about actually pursuing love and pulling a man. I am not foolish enough to think that men and being with one is the be all and end all, and you can't help but think that Bridget only feels complete with one. I'm more inclined to feel they should be the icing on the cake, although judging by my previous experiences, the icing has been a bit off!

Admittedly as I strolled around Ikea today with 3 of my closest friends, we realised that we are (except one of us) typical single women in London. I flippantly said that this time next year we should be strolling through Ikea with men, and one of them said that this time next year she'll be pushing a pushchair! She obviously plans to make light work of her next conquest as she's single at the moment! Whilst men are the icing on the cake, unfortunately to make a baby, you need icing and sperm, and ideally lifetime commitment!

I am in bed now with my new quilt on my bed pondering whether to do the reading that I bought home with me from work. Something says that I will be stuffing it back in my bag later!

It's been a good weekend where I have enjoyed the strong bonds of sisterhood. I've been out dancing where I got caught mimicking a guys dancing. I know it was very naughty, but one of my friends dared me to as we were in a cheeky mood and he looked like he would be up for a bit of fun! He bought us all drinks afterwards and invited us to another club, so evidently he didn't mind having a bit of fun poked at him!

Oh, and I saw my ex today for the first time in just over 16 months! I felt nothing really. It was quite surreal and I felt very calm, but I'll save that story for tomorrow!

Girls Evening

This is a flying visit. B is on her way over to me and we're going to watch Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason . The guys are going to take the piss out of us like God knows what on Monday, but I had a late night last night, and I was out on Thursday and we just want a chill out evening. Oh and B is doing a cost cutting drive as she thinks she spends too much! One of the guys at work said he thinks that we're sad for going to the cinema together on a Saturday night. Well, it's sad that he's such a d*ck at times, but you don't hear me going on about it! I love my girlie nights! Even if I had a man, I would still have these nights. There is nothing like the staunch support of sisterhood, which I may remind people, survives most relationships that us women have with men. As we used to say, 'Boyfriends come and go, girlfriends can last a lifetime!'

B is staying over as well, which no doubt will be greeted with the usual 'charming' and childish comments by the guys! We get no peace! Soho Knight , when you read this in Dubai, do not make the mistake of thinking that myself and B have taken up your suggestion of becoming 'partners'!

Sometimes It's Good to Keep a Secret

Sometimes you are faced with a the dilemna of being the bearer of bad news but you have to gauge whether it is utterly neccessary for you to bear the news in the first place.

I have a male friend who decided to take a dose of the truth drug (not literally) and tell a lady friend, who had thought that he only fancied her when they had their dalliance, that he'd had cheeky snog or two with another woman whom she knows. Hmmm, complex! Now, it's not that I advocate dishonesty, but unless you're planning on having a relationship (which they're not), it's the kind of information that you can keep to yourself. I thought it was women who had an attack of conscience!

Sometimes I don't understand men. They have this ability when they want to charm you/ befriend you/get in your pants, to make you feel like you're the most special woman in the world and that only you have made them feel this way. Then two two's, and they're off trying it elsewhere! One of my male friends has said to me, 'It's all true. They are special - when I'm with them one on one!'

I can see through this type of sh*te, which is why I am probably on my own! I would prefer a guy to be upfront about his intentions. Now before I invite trouble upon myself, I am not suggesting that a guy says to me, 'I want to f*ck you' rather than charm me up and make me feel special, but what I am saying is that there isn't the need to tell me that you love me, adore me and the sun shines out my arse, and that you want to have a relationship with me, when all you want to do is get in my pants. He should keep it to himself, or if he thinks that there is a possibility of there being crossed wires, tell me that it's just casual. Let me be the one to decide if I want to be there or not!

I had my promotion made official today. I am not doing cartwheels like I thought I would be, but it's been going on for a while so the novelty has worn off now! Still, I'll pat myself on the back before I go to sleep!

One of my male friends claims that he has eaten a bag of crisps while he has been sitting on the toiletl. That is so wrong! We were talking about people's weird toilet habits earlier, and I asked if anybody had been sick enough to eat food while they were using the bathroom. I'm sorry I asked, because that is definitely something that he should have kept a secret!

Men's Hearing Problem & The L Word

Well I was right about my boss, he does have hearing issues. Every last thing that I said to him last night and the whole tail between the legs demeanor, has gone in one ear and out the other. As soon as I came in, he was his usual bumbling self. Funny, tactless, and not remotely contrite about anything that had transpired yesterday.

He topped it off by deciding to ignore me for a few hours. He thinks I was bothered but I actually reveled in the peace and quiet! Naturally his massive male pride will not allow him to believe that I don't give a rats ass whether he is ignoring me, but he has decided that he is no longer ignoring me and that I am still his favorite. Sometimes I think that working in media lends itself to a school environment!

I keep seeing this cute looking guy on my station platform. The first few times I saw him, I just about managed to keep my mouth closed, as I think I was slightly stunned, but I think he's one of these guys that knows he has an effect. So when I saw him yet again this morning, I made a point of looking at something else. Do you know what? He still probably thinks I fancy him because I went to the trouble of not looking at him! Jaysus, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't!

I have booked my flight home to Dublin for Christmas. There had better be lots of parties!

I've got the L Word on in the background, which for anyone who doesn't know is a series about lesbians, and there is a hell of a lot of gratuitous lesbian sex in this programme. I'm surprised that it hasn't been relegated to a soft porn channel. The plot is just some fluff for the lesbian action! I am however, surprised at the Snoop Dogg appearance. Actually considering his music, maybe I'm not!

It's a shame that I am not remotely into women as I would probably find this show a lot more interesting! Unfortunately, or fortunately, I do not find all of the girl on girl activity a turn on, more actually, a turn off, which is why I will be channel surfing in a few minutes!

Do Men Have Hearing Problems?

I often wonder whether when women say things to men, if it goes in one ear and out the other? I find that there is a pattern. Woman has conversation with man, for example, explaining why something is wrong. Man appears to take in all of the information and seems genuinely upset. Man says that he 'has a lot to think about' or 'things are going to change from now on'. He may even walk away appearing as if he has his tail between his legs. The next time you see him, say the following day, it's as if the whole conversation never took place! In one ear and out the friggin other!

This happens a lot, and I know that I am not the only woman to complain about this, in fact every woman I know complains about it!

Do men have a hearing problem? Do they have a language barrier? Relationship dyslexia? Or are they overgrown children with ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder?

I've just been talking to B who's been off sick today and I was telling her how my boss managed to put his foot in it so many times today. I told her how he had looked a bit down when he left after we had a chat, as I think he realised what a d*ck he had been at times today! We both felt a bit sympathetic about him being a bit subdued, as it's not nice to be told how you're behaviour is being perceived. Then we burst out laughing at our stupidity, because come tomorrow morning he will have forgotten everything I and anybody else said to him today, and go back to being as subtle as a brick through your window!

I find my brother has the same disorder. If I've told him once, I've told him many times that pretending that you're into a woman when all you want is a casual relationship can only lead to trouble. He always says that he won't do it again, and then he does it again!

I actually tripped over in my new shoes today about 10 times, with at least 6 of those occasions occuring before I got to work and within a 10 minute period! Admittedly I am a clumsy cow at the best of times, but I blame the shoes and Westminster Council. Stupid gaps in the cobbles made me come out of my shoe when the heel caught! I twisted in pain and for the next few minutes I imagined suing Westminster Council for the pain and suffering. Then I got to work and I got distracted!

Monday Madness

I feel tearful! I think Seth and Summer are going to break up in The O.C ! Now I know I am showing what a big kid I am again, but half of my office watches this programme because it's like a modern day Dallas or Dynasty, so I know that I am not alone. I'll return to adulthood when I have finished this entry as I will be watching either 24 or Law & Order.

Anyway, I digress!

I bloody well overslept this morning, and quite frankly I nearly sh*t a brick when I stared at the alarm clock telling me it was 8am, when I was due to make a presentation at 9! I hurled myself into the shower half asleep, and somehow I managed to dress myself, faff with my hair and re-pack my handbag (that's a big deal for most women). I belted it out just after 8.20 am and went down to the tube where I was confronted with a platform full of too many people. I had to wait almost 10 minutes for a tube (this is bad!) whilst hearing, 'The Piccadilly Line is operating with a good service', which was promptly followed by people snorting with laughter.

Now I don't know if I went into a time warp this morning, but I should have been 10 minutes late for work with the delay, but somehow I made it on time. Somebody was being very kind to me this morning and the presentation went really well.

My boss was driving me up the wall today. He was really hyper and he is like David Brent from The Office multiplied by a thousand! I am very fond of him but his antics make me want to scream at him, particularly on Mondays when I'm already in a crap mood! It would be hard to say all the things he does to annoy me, but on days like this, him breathing sets me off. It's the silly comments, innuendoes and his ability to palm his work off on people.

He has the subtlety of a brick through your window. I cringe when he makes an attempt to compliment somebody, because he can't help but throw in some negativity because he is inherently critical. He is also annoying because if you're unwell from your period, unlike other men that run a mile at the mere mention of the word, he gives no sympathy and purposefully tries to drive women to menstrual madness! I must point out that I do not expect sympathy from my boss when I have my period, but I would appreciate if he didn't work so hard to annoy the sh*t out of me when I am already so irritable!

He was driving us all mad today so our team ignored him for a while, which he hates because he is fundamentally insecure. He was behaving himself by the afternoon! I love it when a plan comes together!

I received an email from my landlord today. I emailed him over the weekend to give my written notice, and made reference to me taking the p*ss out of that bloody flatmate of mine. Now we have spoken only a few times over the year and we get on well enough, but do you think it warranted the following excerpt:

"19th December is fine.

Re: Rant: No problem - have always enjoyed chatting to you - we should keep in touch after you leave. Also, glad that you had a safety valve - better than finding one or both of you in a pool of blood! "

Er 'keep in touch'? Am I being too suspicious, or should I think that there are undertones to this email? Jaysus! Why can't he just give her a rollicking and leave it at that?!

Weekend's Over

I went to watch a Shark Tale this evening and found it really entertaining. I think I may have laughed louder than some of the kids in there. I went along with my friend and her 14 year old daughter, and I think her daughter thinks I am one big kid!

I did not go out in the skirt that I bought yesterday, although unlike Fruitscone's comment , it's not because I was afraid of wearing a tea cosy. I'm still feeling a bit bloated from being a woman. Actually I'm bloated because of my period, and when I looked at my belly last night, I figured this wasn't my night to play sex goddess extraordinaire in my new tea cosy, I mean skirt! Admittedly I am having my doubts about the skirt as I normally hate anything like it. I am one of the few women who is not keen on Karen Millen as they have too much lace and crochet sh*te in every collection. I think I just convinced myself to take the skirt back!

Does anybody remember those dolls that people used to put in the toilet roll with the crochet skirt? Sh*t! I just envisioned myself!

By the way Fruitscone, that's a very valid point that you made about my landlord. It is far too late in the day for him to be having a go, however, I will enjoy it if he does nonetheless. She did a half hearted job of cleaning the bathroom yesterday, so to put the boot in, I said to her this morning, "On by the way, I've got to go out this afternoon, but I'll clean the bathroom when I get back this evening!" Hee, hee! (I say to myself in a high pitched Michael Jackson voice) She was quick to tell me that she had cleaned it, and I said, "What, even the toilet?". Oh, but she held her anger together well! I don't have the energy to be a cow to her every day as I am a fully fledged adult, but today I did enjoy it!

I went out last night and had a girlie night of dancing and being cheeky to pervy guys. Why do men think that every woman goes out to pull herself a man? Is it not possible that I just want to have a laugh and a dance with my friends? Still, we'd hate it if we got no attention, eh?

I am so looking forward to moving. I got wolf-whistled at by the local weed heads on my way home from the cinema. I didn't dare look behind me and picked up the pace! I wonder if Maida Vale will offer a better selection of totty? It better had!

Right, I've gotta go as I have a presentation to do first thing tomorrow morning and I want to impress. I also want to finish it before the last episode of this series of The Sopranos comes on. I was hiding under the covers for the previous episode because I was so nervous! Some of my friends fancy Tony Soprano, but he doesn't do it for me. Rough and ready he may be, but bad boys at that level, definitely are not my thing. I don't like wusse's either though!

Girls, Girls, Girls - But Not My Poxy Flatmate!

I hate my flatmate. There I have said it and I feel much better. She is a selfish, demanding, prideless, idiotic cow, and I am so glad I am moving out, otherwise it would be handbags at dawn in here! If I was to say everything that she does to annoy me I could be writing for weeks but highlights include:

Constantly wining and dining her minging boyfriend in the kitchen with the door closed. I have to starve till she sees fit to take him in her bedroom and shag him. (She gives me a dirty look if I so much as open the kitchen door!)

No matter what time of day it is that I am in the shower, she's knocking on the door.

She uses my kitchen stuff constantly. Buy your own sh*t girl! Have some pride! Using cow!

She had the cheek to snipe about how she cleans all the time (a lie) and that we should take it in turns. I look around the kitchen and the bathroom noting how she hasn't cleaned jack sh*t, and when I asked her if she had cleaned them, the cheeky bitch huffily told me that she had. Oh yeah? Is that why I then went and cleaned it all myself?!

I feel much better now! I told my landlord yesterday that I am moving out next month and then proceeded to regale him with the tales of living with the silly cow! He was p*ssing himself laughing and said that he was going to sort her out. Having a good bitching session with a man is really good. Men like bitching as much as women do, they just won't admit it and like to call it something else - talking.

I have been having a very girly weekend so far, with a girls night out last night and one later on. I spent half the afternoon with one of my close friends shopping and talking about her soon to be ex. Oh the drama!

I brought a skirt today which is knitted/crochet and it's definitely the type of skirt I will have to wear tights with otherwise I'll be showing flashes of my bare arse. I love the skirt but will need to brave it when I wear it! I may wear it later on tonight - maybe it will help me to pull men! They will probably be the wrong types! (This is a tasteful skirt NOT a tarty skirt! I swear!)

Sick Bed/Sick Hygiene

I stayed home today as I felt like pooh when I woke up this morning. I spent about half an hour deliberating on whether to go to work, but I knew that I would end up feeling worse. I am obviously not the type of person that's comfortable pulling sickies, because I still emailed my boss to get him to do some stuff for me. What the f*ck is wrong with me??????

I got up to have some breakfast so that I could take my tablets and discovered that the fridge was bare. The only things in there were salad dressings, butter and various marinades, which are no use when you've got nothing to put them on! So I dragged myself into the shower and was on the way to the supermarket by 9.30 am. I walked about 30 seconds from the flat when this bast*rd of a driver drove through a puddle and soaked my right side.

He was lucky that it was a green light up ahead because with the type of horrible period I'm having, I was in the mood to let rip and lose my temper. I was tempted to go home and get changed but I think that I would have crawled back under the duvet, so I ploughed on up to Sainsbury's and Marks & Spencers. Why do I have to have 2 of the most expensive places to buy your groceries within a 5 minute walk?

I do love Marks & Spencers though, where I spend a fortune on the luxury treats that make you fat and give you sugar highs! I was in the queue waiting to pay this morning and the man in front of me had the greasiest comb over I have ever seen, and was unwashed. Now if I am struggling with horrible headaches and period pains and can still get my arse in the shower, why can't he?

I am always bewildered by people that seem to be allergic to a bit of soap and water. God knows I bitch about smells and bad hygiene habits often enough. It is 2004, not 1004. How hard can it be to lather up with the shower gel and scrub yourself from head to foot each day? I live in a modern, first world country where running water is a given, yet I see stinky muthers every day, especially on the tube!

After stuffing my face I watched some daytime TV (sh*te) and put on Law & Order Series One , and promptly fell asleep. I woke up at 2.30 feeling like I had been knocked out. I swear I haven't taken anything other than my ordinary medication! Doesn't the day go really quickly when you don't have to work?

On my little walkabout today I realised that hot looking men/suitable husband material are at work during the day. I've also realised that when you're ill, you really see how single you are. There was nobody to give me a bit of TLC this morning, phone me to ask if I'm ok, put food in my fridge, or bunk off with me. My mum and various mates phoned me though, with my mum making me feel better in her usual way by talking about her own ailments, and the various friends bitching about men/work/life in general. Jaysus, I get no peace sometimes, but I love it!

Period Drama

Words cannot express my disappointment on Bush getting back in. You could actually here the entire floor audibly groan in shock at the result. Oh well.........

I feel like sh*t and had to exit from a leaving do early as I have got awful period pains. Without boring you with the ins and outs of my cycle, it arrived early with a big fat migraine. I had to go for a lie down in the poor excuse for a first aid room today, but actually fell asleep for 20 minutes after taking Migraleve. I have spent the rest of the day high as a kite! At first I could barely string a sentence together! My boss describes it as horse tranquilizer and considering that it's more than 8 hours since I took it, I agree!

We've actually been quizzing the guys at work on whether they have bought Tampax for their girlfriends/wives, and it's amazing how many men are horrified at the prospect. A couple very foolishly asked why they would buy Tampax as a present....... I have to wonder about men and their logic sometimes. Why would you buy sanitary goods as a gift? We actually meant that if a man's partner was doubled up with period pains, would they go to the shop to get what she needed? We still got some no's - Blood Neanderthal's!

I said farewell to my departmental boss who was our leader, dad, mentor and friend all rolled into one. I know we'll keep in touch but I still can't believe we just had a leaving do for him. He hasn't been in that much since we had the horrid restructure and I had almost, but not quite forgotten how brilliantly funny, if not slightly scary he could be. He must have said the horrid (C U Next Tuesday) word about twenty times, which made even me blush! Apparently I say it in a nice way when I mimic him, which they made me try to repeat again, but I was too embarrassed! It's a very unladylike word reserved for severe anger or when Nac and I are being completely evil bitches!

I shamed myself in the local shop before I came home. I was buying my big bottle of flavoured water and put my bag on the counter so I could root around for my wallet. After paying my 99p, I went to put the wallet back in the bag and noticed that the cashiers eyes seemed to be eyeing something - It was the big box of Tampax I bought earlier. Jaysus! So what do I do? Start to giggle like a schoolgirl!

Anybody who has read this blog often enough knows that I behave a bit oddly when I have my period - I am forgetful, sometimes sensitive, bitchy (the lads say I'm like this all the time but I disagree), hideously hungry, and convinced I look like pooh.

Under Pressure

I am still sitting at work as I have to sign off pages as with have a print deadline today. I suppose I could catch up on some work, but instead I have opted to blog and catch up on personal emails that I haven't had a chance to deal with for three weeks. What the hell has happened to me? I remember a few years back where I always had the hotmail account open, Instant messenger was always on, and sending emails back and forth between chums was standard. I think I work too hard!

And it's no wonder that I am too tired to be out socialising if I have to sit at work twiddling my thumbs while I wait on production! Dear oh dear!

I think my mum is worried about me and my lack of lovelife. All her friends have children who are getting married/having babies/buying property with boyfriends or girlfriends, whilst none of her children have anything to report on the love stakes. The 14 year old should be too young although apparently he has girls knocking round for him all the time. The 19 year old, well God only knows what he does. He's so monosyllabic I would be surprised if he had a girlfriend/shag, but then again as I am often told by my male friends, who needs talking?

The 25 year old is resolutely single, which leaves me the one and only daughter. I have reassured her (a lot) that I will not be a spinster, but her attitude is quite funny because when I broke up with my ex she made me promise I would be single for ages!

Well it looks like I may be moving next month (fingers crossed) into a one bed flat in Central London. Fresh neighborhood. Fresh Blood! Ooh, I'm excited already!

It would be so tempting to wisecrack to my mum and tell her not to worry and I'll make sure to christen the new bed if I get this flat, but somehow, I think that would cause her to be upset!

Time To Trim the Bush

I'm back! Came home last night and decided to lie on the sofa watching TV, which is standard on a Monday night. Normally I watch Coronation Street, Eastenders , Coronation Street again, and then The O.C. . I fell asleep halfway through the last episode of Corrie at 8.45 and woke up in a daze a few hours later! I will admit that I briefly thought about updating the blog, but then I said 'F*ck it' and got into bed!

Now I try to steer clear of politics after being abused by a Michael Moore hater a few months ago, but I cannot resist mentioning that it's election day in the U.S. and I pray that that the honky tonk Bush doesn't get voted back in. It is such a scary thought that he could actually be in for another four years and I am nervous about the impending result. People may wonder why I'm not too keen on Bush, and it's because I lived in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at the time of the 2000 elections, and I saw first hand what a farcical election it was in that state. Bush despite what appears to be a certain lack of intelligience, seems to be quite a clever man. That male pride of his just keeps him going and like many men, he does think that if he says something often enough, that it makes it true. Well I think it's time to trim off Bush. It'll be interesting to see if the majority over in the U.S. agree.

Why don't men listen by the way? I asked that bloody guy I manage to do something repeatedly for the past 6/7 weeks and he has not done it. I asked him for the last time through gritted teeth and finally it has been done. Do men and women speak different languages?