Family Ties

I'm off home tomorrow and need to pack. I was looking at the case today and realised that as usual that I had grossly overpacked. There are 20 pairs of knickers for a 9 day trip! What the hell was I thinking that I was going to be doing?

To add to this, my mum has forgotten the code for the lock on her Samsonite case so I've just spent 45 minutes surfing the net in hope of finding a way to crack the lock, with no joy. My heads wrecked. My mum is coming home with me for a few days and she's hyper as anything but I'm looking forward to it. I hope she doesn't fuss too much though when we get back to London. Mind you, if I get her into Selfridges and Harvey Nichols that should keep her occupied for most of the weekend.

We spent the afternoon bickering with the 19 year old brother who will probably be having big parties for the next few days and running the house as an unofficial brothel. I'm looking forward to hearing about it all kicking off when she gets back and he's probably destroyed the house! Maybe the first grandchild will get produced over this weekend with some slip of girl that he's hanging around with, which will take the pressure off me to produce offspring. (Pure evil I know!)

As I watched my family all arguing over my 19 year old brother being a pain in the ass, I realised that I will value my peace and quiet when I return to London. He and the 25 year old just shouted stuff at each other and he kept trying to slam the door in his face. Hilarious! Then we all sat down to dinner together and tried to behave normally. Half an hour later we were watching Peter Kay , pissing ourselves laughing, minus the 19 year old who skulked off in a huff. I love my family!

No Sperm Trap Here

I have just got home after spending a girlie evening with some of my oldest friends. A lot of it was taken up with gooing and gagaing at her beautiful 16 month old son. Looking at what must be the happiest child I have ever known (he very rarely cries and just seems happy and content) I felt the stirrings of broodiness again. I've always liked kids though so my broodiness was inevitable, but I will not be turning my fanny into a sperm trap in the foreseeable future! It would be very hard to do the whole mother and baby thing on my own, so I guess I'll have to wait for the dream. I also need to get over my phobia of pushing out something the size of a melon out of something that seems just about capable of fitting a willy in!

It is weird though how we all used to go on the piss and there were no kids or weddings about, and now we talk about babies, weddings, houses we want to buy and money. There are no dirty stories although I think that most of my Irish friends rely on me for an exciting story because I'm single. Some of my other friends treat me as if I'm a foreign species at times and that fire my shoot out of my ass at any second! I'm single not a flipping freak of nature!

Over the past few days I have wondered what it would be like to move back to Dublin but as well as it being criminally expensive, it's very settled and everybody seems to be in couples, buying houses, getting wed and having babies. If I wanted to go out as much as I do in London, I'd have to make a whole load of new friends.

On the way home tonight I did think that Dublin is lovely and I love the country feel around where I live. It just doesn't seem to suit me right now. I just remembered that I am back next month and guess what it's for? Yes, a wedding. Which reminds me that I should congratulate my dear pals that got married in the Bahamas a few days ago. I wish they could have packed me in their suitcase!

Will I Be Dating For Another Ten Years?

I have done nothing all day and it feels fabulous. I rolled out of bed at about 12.30 and then rolled into my mothers and watched TV until I couldn't take the hunger pains any longer. For some reason I feel shattered but I think it's because it's the 'ole time of the month. I've been feeling a bit sensitive as well so I've decided that rather than have a big hormonal hissy fit, I've kept myself to myself and feel great because of it.

If my mother says something about grandchildren again, I may have to send out my 19 year old brother and get him to knock someone up to put her out of her misery. Jaysus! She's broody. Admittedly I love kids and it was only the other day that B and I were admiring baby clothes in Gap when we should have been looking at clothes for ourselves, but I'm not feeling a big urge to go out and get pregnant. Why can't one of my brothers go and get someone pregnant instead? It would certainly take the pressure off me! (Yeah, yeah, I know it's not nice to urge a 15, 19 and almost 26 year old out the door to get someone pregnant!)

I say I'm happy with my life and being single, and I am, but I do sometimes think it would be nice to just meet a guy, realise he's the one I want to be with and get on with it. I'll never forget being out with one of my closest friends at a party last year and we were regaling people with our dating stories like a friggin double act. Everybody was pissing themselves laughing and one of the girls said to us that she was so sick of dating and she just didn't think it was going to happen. You should have seen her. She looked mid 20s and she was blonde, gorgeous with what seemed like a nice personality. She was bloody 38! F**********ck!

My friend and I barely said a word in the car on the way home, and it was only when we spoke on the phone the following day that we admitted that we had both been shitting a brick in the car, thinking about that woman and wondering if that would be us in 10 years time.

I really hope it isn't me, but you know what, I like my own company, and I do have a reserve husband if I can't get my sh*t sorted by the time I'm 30, so I'm not panicking......yet.

All Turkey'd Out

Well I think the novelty is wearing off for me with the whole being home in Dublin thing. Whilst I do love being home, I am already looking forward to getting back to my flat and the familiarity of everything that is annoying about London. I never thought I'd say it, but I have. Oh well.....

Walked through the streets of Dublin today and I didn't spot any good looking men out and about, but it was the first day of the sales, and I'm sure the thought of shopping was a terrifying thought for most of them. I'm going into town later to meet up with one of best pals for a drink, so who knows what we may see.

The Christmas weekend was lovely. I chilled out with my family and watched movies, stuffed my face, and dozed off constantly in front of the telly. It was blissful! I seem to only be able to doze off like this at Christmas time and it's probably because I'm completely relaxed. We only managed turkey for 2 days and then we got bored with it. We tried to go sale shopping today and I honestly didn't see anything that I wanted to buy, which is quite frightening. I can almost always see something that I want to buy.

Just realised why I am so grumpy today - I am wracked with period pains. That is one 'gift' I could have done without for Christmas!

Merry Christmas Everybody

I can't believe that Christmas day is almost upon us again. The year has flown by with alarming speed, and I have a suspicion that it will happen again next year, except for I will be 28 and my mum will be doing my head in about settling down if I haven't met someone by then!

I love being home in Dublin though. I spent this morning helping my brother do almost all of his Christmas shopping. I happen to know that I got my Grand Theft Auto San Andreas , and I am quite excited about playing it tomorrow. He got really grumpy and pissed off as he had planned to do it in one department store and he kept getting peed off with the queues. I had to reason with him to queue up for things, otherwise we would have had no Christmas presents from him to open!

At 1pm we met up with one of our childhood friends and went on the piss for the rest of the day. I have been very good for about a week so I decided to have 4 glasses of wine, but my brother and friend finished off a few bottles between them. We rolled in just after 7pm and my brother was falling all over the place and laughing at himself, and my mum in some sort of pre-Christmas paranoia thought he was taking the piss out of her. I think it's her hormones or something! We had to apologise about 10 times and then my brother really did start to take the piss out of her, but by then she was in a better mood and just about allowed him to get away with it.

We were supposed to go to the local boozer for a few but the weather is shite and chilling out seemed more preferable. We finished watching Elf a while ago, and we were howling with laughter. I love silly films like that!

Happy Christmas everyone. I hope Santa brings you all what you have been hoping for. I guess that means that Colin Farrell will be lying beside me in bed in the morning....... Woo-hoo! I'm excited already!

The Sh*tter & Dublin

I'm finally at home in Dublin, but these last few days have been the most hectic, stressful, and tiring that I have had in a very long time. There have been so many things that have happened, but just so I don't overload, I will give the highlights, and hopefully be able to revisit this later or over the next few days.

I have completely ratted out my old flatmate to my ex landlords and she is in deep doo doo. I got back to the flat on Sunday to discover that she had packed up the remainder of my stuff in bathroom and kitchen and was getting ready to chuck it out! This is how I ended up having a go at her, and I told her exactly what I thought of the smug, childish, arrogant, ignorant, boyfriend-peeing-on-the-seat, disrespectful, bitch of a cow. After 4 days I still feel no guilt, and only wish that I had said more to her.

There I am paying rent until midnight and the spiteful cow is putting my stuff out. Her landlord is livid with her. The big consolation is that like the true gimp that she is, some of the stuff she was getting ready to chuck out was actually the landlords, and because she acted without discussing or thinking, she went a brought things to replace what already existed at the flat! Hilarious! Now she has 2 huge kitchen bins and lots of doubles of stuff, and she is out of pocket. Hee hee!

I have been to my new flat where I was confronted with a sh*tload of cleaning which I had to do with my friend Nac. We had a laugh though and spent some quality time together before we went our separate ways for Christmas. Our tempers have been tested, and even though I hate the C word, I actually said it about 50 times over the past few days, just so I could calm myself and feel better.

The most disgusting thing happened in the flat yesterday morning. The Telewest guy arrived to install my phone, digital TV, and broadband, and as soon as he walked through my friggin door, he farted. Not any old fart either, it was a wet diarrhea fart that smelt like he was going to follow through. Unfortunately, he asked to use my toilet and the bastard sh*t it out! He left skids in my freshly scrubbed toilet and the stench was so bad, it took TWO HOURS before I could go in there without trying to throw up all over myself! He didn't even explain that he was ill, apologise, or even look embarrassed. Of all the people, why did that have to happen to me? I will be complaining to Telewest on my return as I feel I need to be compensated for my trauma!

I had so much stuff to lug back with me because despite my best efforts, I still did not manage to pack lightly. I did almost all of my Christmas shopping on Tuesday and most of it couldn't fit in my huge Samsonite plastic case. I'm starting to hate the case which was one of my presents last year, because when I pack it up, it likes a friggin dead weight! Today every muscle in my body aches. I had to get a taxi to Liverpool St because I was so overloaded, and as soon as I started to walk to the train platform, the handles broke on the huge paper Gap bag with my presents in it. Due to my many frustrations of the past few days, I actually shouted 'Mutherf*cker' but it was mostly to myself! I only just scraped the train because I had to queue for more than 20 minutes just to buy a ticket. Bloody hell!

My bag was overweight by about 7kg but rainier didn't charge me excess baggage, probably because the look on face said that I really couldn't handle much more...........

My mum has already had us in cracking up laughing because she comes out with back to front stuff. Last night we were talking about Fran that was in I'm A Celebrity , and we explained that he went out with the girl from Atomic Kitten, and somehow that became Atomic Button when she was talking about the band a while later. Then she was talking about this new clothing label (my mum shops more than I do) and she actually said, 'They are really good - They even have they're own website'. Ma, everybody including cats and dogs and even your own daughter can have a website these days!

My 19 year old brother is just strange. He mumbles unintelligible things at us in his very thick Dublin accent, and he is unbelievably moody. My last sight of him was him bent over the gas cooker hob lighting his fag before he legged it to go to work. I have told him to make sure he buys Christmas presents, because last year he spent all of the money on booze and fags, and a dodgy statue of an Egyptian mummy (???) for my mother, while he reaped in presents from all and sundry.

Cat Fight, Well More of a Cat Argument

This is a flying visit, but I hope to expand on this tomorrow when my home internet connection will be alive and well. Whilst I played nice and spoke with any guy that approached me on Saturday night, I didn't meet anyone over the weekend that made me think about even going on a date. I am exhausted after my move and just to add to my woes, I can't even stay at the flat tonight because the girl I am taking the flat over from, still hasn't finished moving her stuff out!

The big news is that I had a massive row with my now ex flatmate where I told her exactly what I thought of the smug, passive agressive, boyfriend-peeing-on-the-seat, pathetic, irritating, whining little cow. She never even saw it coming and I really put the boot in good and proper. She barely got a word in edge ways and I am yet to feel the guilt because she fully deserved it. More tomorrow, but I did have the pleasure of saying, 'You're so wasteful that you wash 1, 2, or 3 items in the washing machine each day. What are you trying to do? Run up all of the electricity for the Haringey borough?' Also when she whined about having no space to hang her skank knickers in her own room, I said, 'What? You have sooooo little room that we can no longer have a towel rail - We have to have your rubber gloves and a filthy wash cloth hanging off it for the past 4 months?' There is so much to tell!

I Hate My Flatmate

I thought I would nip in before I go and start getting ready to head out. I'm off out with the girls this evening, and as promised, it's F*ck it, I Say Yes' night! I will try and report on the results of my madness tomorrow, but I'm finishing the move and staying with B tomorrow night so it may not be until Monday.

Had a good little giggle to myself when that smug cow of a flatmate got back last night and discovered a whole load of boxes in the hallway. She actually knocked on my door to ask me if I was moving out (er, obviously), and that she hadn't known about it (again, er obviously because 1)Why the frig would I discuss anything with her? and 2)Where's the fun in telling her?). I gleefully spoke to her through the door and then cut her off and told her that I would have to speak with her about it another time. I was in my bed for God's sake and it was late! Oh, sometimes you just have to be a bitch. Hee hee!

She yet again proved what a childish, self-centered cow she is by removing my toilet tissue from the toilet roll holder and replacing it with hers. She is one anal retentive cow. I hope it gives her great pleasure to know that she is wiping her smelly bottom with tissue that has come from the toilet roll holder. She uses cheap papery stuff as well........

I'm off to get ready. I think it's going to be denim skirt (short, but not too short) and my FMB's (f*ck me boots - but not because I'm trying to get a shag but because they look bloody good) and a nice tasteful top. Wish me luck.....

Packing Up

I have just spent the evening packing and I have realised that I own a lot of stuff - lots of shoes, dvd's, cd's, cosmetics, underwear, and an awful lot of clothes that I have forgotten I own.

Note to self: I will behave myself next year when it comes to spending!

Love is in the air as B and our friend John have finally gotten it together after a year of mucking each other around. I can take the applause and praise because apparently if it wasn't for me intervening and playing cupid, and also telling John to stop being a dick and either go out with her or f*ck off (she wanted me to say this by the way), then they would probably still be making a pigs ear of things. I am really pleased and hope to God that it works out because I don't want them hunting me down afterwards! I'm sure they'll be fine though.

I'm going to sleep now because I am wrecked from humping boxes of my stuff into the hallway. My cow of a flatmate is going to get a bit of a surprise when she sees all the boxes, after all, she has no idea I am even moving out. I think this is quite funny and it will be interesting to hear what she has to say tomorrow. Not!

Another Christmas Party

I am exhausted after a long day of Christmas partying with my department since just before 1pm. Even though I didn't drink too much, I feel like I am about to keel over with tiredness.

Highlights of the day include:

- My boss rudely asking the guy I 'manage' if he his secret Santa present was an alarm clock (he is habitually late)
- Playing 'I have never' and discovering that a lot of people I work with have high libido's and deviant sexual behavior!
- My boss telling everyone that he thought he was going to call it a day and that might go home and have sex. Such an unpleasant thought......
- Someone that's not that keen on hygiene being unwittingly given deodorant and aftershave as a Secret Santa present. I actually cried with laughter at the irony.
- Getting the heel of my shoes caught in my tights as I tried to get off the bench I had been sitting on, which caused me my leg to be stuck at an odd and slightly painful angle, while my skirt rode up and I feared I would bare a hint of crotch, but fortunately didn't!

Right, sleep beckons as I have to face a two and a half hour train journey in the morning for a meeting and it ain't gonna be pleasant if I don't get some beauty sleep.

Shut Up About The Football

Sometimes I wish that men would broaden their conversation topics beyond the world of sport. It's not because I'm not an overly sporty person - Okay, okay, I do no exercise at the moment! - but because it is really boring hearing the guys shite on and on about the same bloody football players/match/goal over, and over again. ( TFB will not be impressed by my comments being football mad himself!)

Today B had to leave her floor at lunch to visit me because she couldn't take the football talk any longer, only for us to have to vacate my department because they were sh*tting on about cricket. Give me strength! Does it make men feel more masculine when they talk sport? I often wonder do these guys get a hard-on talking about sport because they have so much energy and enthusiasm and seem to talk endlessly about it. If I so much as open my mouth about something remotely feminine, the guys are on my case and ripping it to pieces! That would be the 'ole double standards at work again!

When they started talking about the same game all over again later in the day, I actually told them to shut up, which they actually did without protest. I think they sensed that that I wasn't the only person they were boring to tears.....

If they hadn't shut up then, I would have had to gather the female crew to start talking about periods or something, because they would have scattered pretty quickly then.

They were moaning about Sky Sports getting all of the cricket rights (or something along those lines) and secretly I think this is great because now I get to watch more T4 on Sundays, plus there will be no more having programmes moved on Channel 4, to watch something that couldn't raise excitement out of me, even if Colin Farrell was batting naked. Actually......

I have the department Christmas party tomorrow which should be a right laugh, and my boss is guaranteed to let himself down. We are currently compiling his 10 best moments of 2004 as it always makes him cringe to hear what a prick he can sound and behave like most of the time. We love him though.........honestly!

Decision-Making, Who Needs It?

Just realised that a comment had been posted after I asked what the hell happened to independent women yesterday, and I must agree with the commenter that it has a lot to do with decision-making (which I must point out that I think it's with a hyphen and it didn't stress me to do it but I empathise). It is really stressful these days and people spend all day long having to say yes or no and it's all rather exhausting. Then when we do make a decision about a potential partner it can quite often be wrong. Even worse, we stress about having to make a bloody decision in the first place.

So I have decided that when I go out this Saturday night, I'm going to have a 'F*ck It, I say yes!' evening. Now before anyone gets the wrong idea, I don't mean to sex, otherwise I may get shagged through a month of Sundays. If a guy asks me to dance, talk or go on a date, I will say yes without analyzing his shoes, outfit, looks, voice, or my first impression. This could be dangerous, but it is worthwhile trying this experiment to see what happens. I bet it's the night I meet a load of psycho's...........

Cringe-Worthy Moments

I popped into my friend and colleague B's departmental Christmas party and they were all pretty sh*t-faced because they'd been drinking since about 1pm. Nearly wet myself laughing when one of my colleagues who has a rep for getting a bit crazy with a few drinks started to drunkenly sing, or should I say wail her way through 'All By Myself' a la Bridget Jones. The crowd of people that had been around me dispersed so quickly it was hilarious! When they were moving to another bar, she threw her coat off and tried to leapfrog over a pillar/bollard. I had to watch her land fanny (the front one) first on it and then moan about how cold it was! The guys looked completely and utterly horrified and one guy even covered his face. One guy wisecracked that he felt sorry for the bollard! Terrible........

Earlier, myself and my friend John had walked from work to the bar and bickered amicably all the way about the fact that he didn't have a clue where he was going and arguing about which one of us had the correct directions. I won! If it was up to him, we would probably still be walking around Trafalgar Square right now!

I was in Marks and Spencers buying my lunch and was hurrying because I was going to be late back and dropped one of the giant chocolate chip cookies on the floor. I bent down to pick it up only to find myself face-to-face with my boss. "Oh hal-loooooooo theerrrrrrrrrre!" he says, really, really loud. "Oh look at you. You've dropped it on the floor!" Now all of the friggin shoppers are looking at me, so I told him to shut up. He picked up the cookie from the floor as if he was afraid of catching the plague and shouts in his ridiculous sing-song voice, "Where do you want me to put this? Will I dump it back on the shelf?" I just ran off because he left me with no alternative and he is a hideous embarrassment at times.

What The F Happened to Independent Women?

I am oh so tired so I am going to make this quick but I am starting to worry about my female friends because they are getting miserable over men. At the moment I talk to a different friend each day that is heartbroken/suspicious/angry/frustrated over the man their with, or the man that doesn't exist yet but they want to get with. What the f*ck happened to independent women? What has happened to not needing a man to make us happy? Why does the grass seem greener on the other side, with the whole world appearing to be attached?

I would like a boyfriend but I don't feel that misery for a guy that isn't part of my life yet, and have not got myself wound up over it. I've been out with enough sh*theads to know that being in relationship is fun but not all that it's cracked up to be. Yeah there are times when I think that it would be nice to wake up and have a man beside me, or out for dinner, or laughing at something silly that noone else gets, but I'm optimistic enough to think that it will happen. I'll probably go out with a few more fools along the way, but I'll get there eventually.

So ladies, hold your friggin horses! Where's the fire? Go and buy a rabbit or date just for the hell of it, but stop shedding tears over guys that are not at home crying over you. They are probably at home having a wank with a beer in front of the telly enjoying themselves like you should be!

These Boots Are Made For Talking

I overslept this morning and woke up in a panic just after 8am when I had to be on the bus to the hospital for my check up by 8.30am. I must have turned the alarm off in my sleep, and then spent the next 50 minutes dreaming about the snooze button. I managed to shower and dress quite quickly, but I ran to the bus terminus in my skirt and boots (that hurt!), only to get there and discover that I had missed it by about 2 minutes! AAAh! Fortunately I discovered another bus route and was only 5 minutes late. I must point out that I had limited things to choose from that were unironed which is how I ended up in the fmb's (f*ck me boots) and short skirt. These boots are not made for running!

I am getting better in general although the lymph nodes in my chest around my heart etc are still enlarged and there has been little change there. I was mortified when I stood on the scales and the nurse said, 'Ooh! You're getting fat!'. F*ckin hell! How cheeky is that? I am the same person that people keep saying is skin and bone and that I needed some meat on me, and this woman's trying to turn me paranoid! I have gained about a 1.5 stone in 6 months but I was between 6.5 and 7 stone before, so I could stood to have gained a few pounds. I have a booty now!

These boots I'm wearing seem to attract all sorts. I was waiting for my appointment when this guy asked me what time it was. Next thing you know he's asking me about the book I'm reading (How Mumbo-Jumbo Conquered The World by Francis Wheen), and waffling on and on about his hobbies and his cat allergy. I think I just sat there looking bemused and tried to answer his questions, but I just wanted to be left alone. I also felt suspicious of him because he had his hand covering his wrist, and I'm pretty sure there was a watch underneath it! Men! He started trying to romanticise our conversation by going on about how it's strange that we've met at a hospital and blah, blah, blah, but fortunately I was saved by the nurse.

Then when I was sat on the tube this guy said something to me whilst I was listening to my iPOD, but I didn't hear him and just ignored him. Then as I was ascending up the escalators at Piccadilly Circus he stopped on his way up to tell me that he would see me up there (????) and that I'm looking good. Maybe he thinks he knows me?

I discovered today that my boss asks people, 'If you were a fruit, what would you be and why?' as an interview question. And he wonders why we call him David Brent?

Right, I'm off as I should be doing some work!

Changing Times - Part 2

I have managed to upload the pages but I am still faffing about with the bloody blogger template which refuses to do all that I want it to do. At least the pages are up though!

Any problems with the bloody things, please mail me.

Changing Times

I have been a busy bee trying to get the changeover of the blog sorted out and I must admit to becoming a little obsessed! If you're reading this, then you have found your way to the blogs new home. Please be patient with me while I do the changes!

I had a lovely day with B yesterday. We went for a big long chat and snacks in an extortionately priced cafe just off High Street Kensington and then had a mosey around the shops for a while. For some reason we ended up looking at baby clothes when we were in Zara, and later in Gap. I had popped down to check out the girls stuff as I still fit into the age 16 stuff, and we ended up admiring what our imaginary children would wear. Hilarious! The guys at work would be horrified if they knew what we have been doing, but we're not crazy, just mucking around really and maybe slightly broody. No, not really, I think we're just idle spenders!

Whilst I didn't get around to returning all of my stuff, I didn't actually buy anything which is making me mentally pat myself on the back. I did let myself down a bit when I did my groceries in Sainsbury's (a.k.a the extortionate supermarket) today, because I bought the new Lemar CD and the Scissor Sisters album. Oh dear....

I had a chilled out Saturday night as I was supposed to be going to some dance thing at 1am but my friend cancelled due to being unwell. I had a mate over for a bit and then chilled out watching DVD's and sorting out my new web pages. Oh, and I spoke to one of my potential dates for a while and I think we're going out on Tuesday. This week is a bit hectic for me though because I think I'm out with the uni girls on Wednesday, department Christmas party on Thursday, clubbing Friday and Saturday, plus moving my stuff out. I think he has ideas about a big night out, which I am definitely not up for, and would like to meet for a drink and dinner or something for the first date. I guess I'll sort it out tomorrow. Oh and I still need to call back the other one that called on Thursday. I don't know where the time goes. Sh*t, if I arrange to meet up with both, that's my whole week gone! Bloody hell!

Right, I'm going to make myself some dinner and catch up on some overdue phonecalls. I'm going for my 3 month checkup at the hospital tomorrow for my sarcoidosis which means being prodded and probed for a few hours at the North Middlesex Hospital. Boo hoo......

This Blog Will Be Moving!

This blog will be moving onto www.whenawomansfedup.co.uk over the next couple of days. If you link to me, please don't change the link until I confirm the changeover.

I have just gobbled half a packet of Jaffa Cakes in between typing this! They are sooooo more-ish! I think I am having a sugar high!

Why Can't Men Admit That They Don't Know the Way?

My plan to stay at home today has been thwarted as B has asked me meet up with her, which inevitably means a big chinwag over tea and cakes that we shouldn't be eating, a good healthy bitching session, and I no doubt will part with money because we're meeting at High Street Kensington. I do however need to return quite a few things so I think it will balance itself out!

I went to the leaving party for my future landlord last night and her sister, who is one of my best friends, invited everybody back to my future home for a party afterwards. It was very surreal and I must admit that when people lit up cigarettes and were traipsing through the flat it felt quite odd. The bitch within was screaming, 'Put out that f*cking cigarette now!'. Then the sane part of me said to get a grip and enjoy myself, after all, it's not me that has to clean that flat and air it out today!

The leaving party was held at a bar in Notting Hill. Two, and I must repeat TWO men gave me wrong directions to the bloody place. I could be one of those paranoid people and think that the world is out to get me and those men were trying to cause me to end up on the wrong side of town so I could be mugged, but it's not that at all. WHY. CAN'T. MEN. ADMIT. THEY. DON'T. KNOW. THE. BLOODY. WAY?

After ending up about a mile in the wrong direction, I had to get a taxi to the place, which was about 2 miles in the opposite direction! F*ckers! You don't know how tempted I was to march up to the first guy (he was bouncing outside a club) and give him a piece of my mind, but I realised that it was futile. I am not about to change what seems to be the habit of a lifetime and something that seems to be ingrained in men!

Caught up with one of my couples and we salivated and practically jumped up and down in glee over our shopping exploits in NYC this year. I actually had palpitations as one of them described how he had been in NYC twice last week (he's a flight attendant) and how he had been laden down with paper shopping bags and pranced around his room trying on his purchases. That's what I did! It was a very Will & Grace moment!

I also had a moment of clarity when I realised that there were about 6 of us single women in a group talking about (okay bitching about) the difficulties of meeting men in London. I don't know whether to be pleased that I'm not alone, or scared because it can almost appear to be futile! It's not though, because you have to be optimistic about these things, plus things happen when they happen! What we did say was that we absolutely love hanging out with our female friends! Hee hee!

Oh, and look at what I found in my inbox from my current landlord:

"I heard you had a go at [other current landlords name was here] the other day! LOL. You'll be glad to hear that we've now let the room, so your remaining 9 days will pass without interruption. Do you want to get together for a beer and a chinwag in the next week or 2? Give me a call/text on [his number was here]. "

God knows how I'm going to deal with this one! I also need to get around to scheduling these dates. I was in bed recuperating from my hangover on Thursday night, and I had 2 messages from these dates that I haven't had the chance to go on yet! Need to organise myself! I think I am going to meet up with them when I get back from Dublin because between moving, parties and some family stuff over the next 10 days, plus of course me-time, I am quite busy! Oh dear........

Love Me Tender - Part 2

Jaysus, it's been a long day! I had almost forgotten what it's like to be at work with a hangover. I thought I felt a bit iffy last Friday, but that wasn't a patch on today. I felt like a bag-of-shite all day - whatever that feels like!

I have also completely overdone it with the eating crap food today, but I don't care. My stomach was gagging for it!

Lots of bitching about the perve from last night and apparently I wasn't the only person to have my bum groped. It was only this afternoon that I remembered bumping into him on the way to the toilet and that he tried to block my way. He said, "Where do you think you're going missy?" to which I replied, "The toilet". "Oh no you're not!" he says with a big leer, and I very bitchily said, "Well unless you want me to pee all over myself right now, I suggest you get out of my way!"

Oh yeah! (Hee hee!) He jumped away from me real quick! You'd think I'd scorched his balls or something!

I've decided to return some of the tops I brought on Tuesday, because after trying some of them on, I'm not feeling them, and two of them are too small, and of course, it's around my boobs. I also have to return a belt and top that I bought in Miss Selfridge the other day. I wore the bloody belt last night for the first time and within half an hour the bastard thing had a broken loop. It's not because it was too small for me, but because it seems that no only do these companies cut costs by paying peanuts to people abroad, they also cut costs by not bothering their arses to quality check! It's the first time I've brought clothes in there for ages, and it will be the last for a while! Mind you, I do recommend their thongs and g-strings! Very pretty and really well priced!

My mum's hilarious. She rollocked my bank manager back in Dublin today because he had got me to take out payment protection on my student loan. When he phoned me back he sounded like a beaten man! I thought he might cry! He sounded quite hang dog but in hindsight my mum was right to have a go. I think he will be steering clear of my ma from now on!

13 days till I go home to Dublin for Christmas! Woo hoo! 9 days till I move out of this place and I don't have to see that silly cow of a housemate and her rancid boyfriend again. Yee hah!

I think I am hungover still........

Love Me Tender

I am feeling so tender this morning that the act of typing on the keyboard is almost too much! I was at my office Christmas party last night, where I decided to throw caution to the wind and have a few in the spirit of Christmas. Bearing in mind that I have not had much alcohol in the last seven months due to being on these bloody steroids, five large cocktails have made my stomach feel like it's on spin cycle.

There was a moment about twenty minutes ago where I felt overwhelmed with hideous tiredness and my tummy lurched and gurgled for about a minute. I've stuffed a bagel down and still feel really hungry so I think I may take a jaunt to the chocolate machine.

It's amazing how people's personalities change when let loose at the office party. I will not be so quick to be friendly and smiley with half the men in the building anymore, as it seems that this is taken as a signal that they can perve all over you when given the first opportunity! At least 3 guys groped my arse, and the office twat lap danced and booty shook all over my leg, treating me as if I was his very own lap dancing pole! After trying it with a few of us, he left us with no alternative but to tell him to 'F*ck off!'. This seemed to turn him on. Oh dear......

In regards to the fiasco with the flippin vibrator box, it's not that I am an exhibitionist, I'm just a careless b*tch! I am the same woman who's skirt blows up in the tube station when it's breezy, trips and falls all the time, gets dressed with the curtains open because she thinks that nobody can see through net curtains even when the light is on, bursts out her shirts occasionally because my bust or my bra can't seem to settle and I've gained a little weight with these steroids, and I often look as if I am smuggling peanuts because I have a penchant for those nice see-through/mesh bras that unfortunately don't pad the 'ole nipples. Yeah I guess as well as being a careless b*tch, there must be hidden exhibitionist lurking within!

Right, my tummy is screaming for more food!

The Rabbit Escapes

Horror of horrors, I found the box for that bloody rabbit vibrator out of the bin bag and laying out on the pavement for all to see this morning on my way back from the dentist! F*cking hell! The one time I need to put something that looks a bit sensitive in the flipping rubbish and some gimp has come along and wrecked the bin bag putting its contents on the pavement! I didn't dare look at anyone even though it's not as if I have, 'Owns A Rabbit Vibrator' stuck on my back! I'm sure however, that me stopping suddenly and cupping my mouth in horror, may have indicated my ownership!

Anyway.....

I am knackered! I stayed at work until 6.15pm when I realised that I would much prefer to be
doing a spot of shopping than pissing about with proposals. So I headed off up to Oxford Street meandering in and out of the shops in hope that something would catch my eye as the Christmas party is tomorrow and despite having far too much clothes (I have a hell of lot of stuff!), I had the urge to buy something. And buy I did!

I've bought 6 tops and a handbag from Benetton and Sisley and I already feel a bit guilty! There was a sale on so the guilt is receding but I will probably be returning at least two of the tops as I'm not really feeling them now that I have got them home, and one makes me look slightly pregnant! I keep being drawn to see-through stuff and with my slightly more rounded self, which is courtesy of the steroids, I get paranoid that I look a little bit chunky!

The guy I 'manage' toddled off home sick today. Honestly, the guys in my office are more sick than the women and they often make wise cracks about how they have a far better constitution than us! Don't make me bloody laugh! Not one of these guys has ever sat at work with period pain cramps that make you feel like your womb is trying to make a bid for freedom combined with water retention, bad wind, sugar and salt cravings, plus a dose of nausea and headaches, every month!

I despise my housemate even more because both her and that rancid boyfriend of hers keep spitting out phlem in the toilet and not flushing it. That is revolting! I cannot wait to move out! Why don't people have good hygiene?

Good Vibrations

I am tucked up in bed watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here , which is complete chav TV, but succeeded in making me almost wet myself laughing when I watched Paul Burrell doing his last bush tucker trial. I had tears of laughter rolling down my face as he tucked into kangaroo testicles with the Damian music in the background! Hilarious! There is something oddly endearing about this man despite the fact that he's supposed to be the traitor that sold out Princess Di!

I have had to counsel the guy I 'manage' at work as he had to 'break up' with the woman he had been on one date with. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds! He took her out for her birthday last week, which also coincided with it being her first date. He brought her flowers and took her to a musical where he proceeded to show his sensitive side by shedding a tear when one of the cast died. It all sounded like the beginning of a great romance, until I met him at the rancid coffee machine this morning where he seemed a little bit down and proceeded to tell me that he had called it off because she had been moody with him all weekend on the phone and he didn't know why.

It took until lunchtime until the truth came out: He didn't call her from the Tuesday until Saturday. I had to lay it out in plain English for him to understand the problem. When a man takes a woman on a date and makes lots of effort, it raises the woman's expectations and she rightly assumes that he isn't going to piss her about and take days to call. If he was going to behave like a prick anyway, why did he do the flowers and musical thing? If he behaved like the dog he normally does, at least she would have known what she was dealing with! What happened? Did she just slip his mind? Apparently he remembered a uber cool film that I can't remember the name of where the male characters discuss calling a woman and suggest that it should be left for 3-6 days after the date! Is he on crack? Why the frig is he following some dumb film?

The good thing is that he realises that he should have just spoken to me in the first place and I would have told him which way the land lies!

Without going into the ins and outs (excuse the pun), I have tested out the rabbit and I must say that whilst it is far from being a substitute for the real deal, it's not bad for plastic love! The noise is a little annoying and a woman would have to be mad to put it on high as it could burn off your bits with the friction, but it was oddly enjoyable. Oh, and it has a very pungent rubber smell!

I have to reschedule my dates. I've been very naughty and put off my date for this evening as I was wrecked from a long day at work! My mother would be livid if she knew! This is not how one gets a husband! :-)

Wonky Willy

I am sitting in bed watching The Simpsons and wishing it was the start, not the end of the weekend. Still, it's been a pretty good one so I shouldn't really complain!

I am feeling a little lost as I finished watching series 1 of 24 late on Friday night and I was so shocked by Nina the turncoat, I bolted up out of bed! What a show! There are more twists and turns in that programme than a Dan Brown book! Speaking of Dan Brown, I finished Deception Point yesterday morning, and I am feeling a bit idle after reading that plus The Da Vinci Code , Angels & Demons and Digital Fortress one after another. I'm torn between reading some nice girlie contemporary fiction, Michael Moore's TV Nation , or finishing Al Franken's 'Lies and The Lying Liars Who Tell Them' . I think I am over my phase of reading about U.S. politics though, so I may have to drag myself to Borders on the way home from work tomorrow.

I did bring the vibrator home on Friday but haven't used it yet. I did however put the batteries in to see what it did and after 10 minutes of farting around with it, drew the conclusion that either I am a demanding woman, or the bloody thing needed to be returned! The willy actually rotates and you can choose which direction it goes in. It has this other weird rabbit ear looking thing that is supposed to stimulate your bits so I pressed the button for that first and it shuddered or should I say vibrated to life. I pressed again and it seriously picked up the pace!Visions of the vibrator equivalent of carpet burn sprang to mind!

I then pressed the top button for the willy and it made this strange noise and sort of lurched to the left and stopped. I then poked it with my finger and it made a lazy, slow vibrating noise and half-heartedly moved slightly. First thought that sprang to mind - "What the f*ck is this shit? They'll have to take it back if it kills them!"

I rooted in the box for the instruction manual and discovered that it consisted of a small square of paper and not much else, so I turned my attention back to Hollyoaks and threw the stupid penis to one side! After a few minutes I decided that I was calm enough to have a go at fixing it and pressed the button again. This time it lurched to the right, so I slapped it and it lurched again and then stopped. Yes, I did my usual and shouted 'Mutherf*cker!' very loudly! Then like the cartoons a lightbulb went off in my head and I decided to look at the batteries. Now it seems that unlike other electrical equipment, a vibrator will spring to life if the batteries are not in correctly! I switched the direction on the top one and before I had a chance to put the battery cover back on, the penis nearly took off into the air! It rotates really fast, almost ridiculously fast! I haven't used it yet as I certainly wasn't in the mood for plastic love after thinking the bloody thing was broken and I'm still 'on', kind of.

I was supposed to be on a date with the Jude Law lookalike, but we are going out during the week instead as a very good friend has flown back to London unexpectedly and they are having a rugger bugger catch up! I jokingly told him that he should be ashamed of standing a woman up, but he correctly stated that standing up is only for when you're left waiting when the f*cker doesn't turn up. Good point!

I am supposed to be on another date tomorrow evening with a guy who I chose as a friend. I have also been quite naughty and forgotten to call another guy back, but my brain has been fried with being on my period as I become quite forgetful. I will call him tomorrow. I'm really busy at the moment so I don't even know when I'd meet him! I've got the office party on Wednesday so I need to be on good behavior on Tuesday and I'll probably be wrecked on Thursday. Sh*t! I forgot that I told Jude Law that I could meet on either of those nights! Oh dear!

I think I have an inner exhibitionist dying to get out. In the summer my skirts blow up when I'm going into the tube station or it's a bit breezy, or my boobs sometimes try to make a bid for freedom during inappropriate times - say a client meeting! Tonight, I popped to the toilet in the middle of updating this blog and yanked on my nice Gap lounge pants with the draw string. I didn't tie the string too tight as I knew I was going to pull them off when I got back into bed, but as I walked briskly towards my bedroom the bloody things fell down! Fortunately that cow of a housemate of mine wasn't around!

I have also discovered that people can see through net curtains when the light is on! This means that passengers on the 144 have probably seen me naked or semi-naked all year! I thought no-one could see through the bloody things!

Out With the Gang

This is a flying visit as I am knackered! Just had a few drinks with B and a couple of the guys and it was really good fun. I was a bit risque ;-) and had two glasses of wine, which made me feel a bit tipsy. Hardly went wild or anything but I can only drink in moderation with my tablets so I'm sh*te at drinking anything alcoholic. It's been about 7 months since I've been drunk!

I had a brilliant laugh with the gang this evening where we debated our favorite movies, songs, albums, and also how much it would take for us to resort to prostitution. I said a few hundred thousand just to be flippant, but after B said £3K (her credit card balance), I said that I would have to be destitute and would demand £5K to £10K. We can say sh*t like this because I don't think it would ever happen to us! The guys would bend over for between 100K-200K! I love our little gang and thoroughly enjoyed my cosy evening! As 2 guys and 2 girls we do get talked about a lot, but we also have additional 'gang' members that sometimes tag along too. There is sexual tension but the friendship is more important than our dysfunctional sexual attractions!

I left behind my new delivery at work - the vibrator! It's all boxed up but I was briefly frightened that the cleaners would open it and put it on the desk or something! Note to self- Must take home the vibrator from work!!!! I work with the nosiest gits on the planet and I wouldn't be surprised if they start trying to pressure me to open it!

I had a nice posh lunch with my old boss and a client today and felt bloated and sleepy for the remainder of the afternoon! I found myself telling them about speed-dating and they were pissing themselves laughing! Cheeky gits! They think I should be footloose and fancy free. I am! They are also convinced that only pervy guys go speed-dating, but I think it's just because they are older and settled. Both believe that they have struck it lucky with their respective partners and are punching above their weight! Men say the funniest things!

I Have Dates!

I have been a touch forgetful which is probably because I have my period. When it's my time of the month, even the most interesting bit of news can be forgotten as my brain becomes mush! I have a date this weekend with the Jude Law look-alike that I met when I went speed-dating a couple of weeks ago. He phoned me last night and he was very entertaining! I got a massive fit of the giggles when he told me he went on his worse date ever with one of the other speed-daters and she told him that the only reason she met up with him is because he reminded her of Jude Law. He asked me if he is floppy like Jude Law. I hope not........

I now have to think about what I will wear when I meet up with him. I think he's a bit posh as he's an investment banker (or something along those lines), works for one of the big American firms, talks like a public school boy, and mentioned that he was cooking his dinner on an Aga.... Fortunately I certainly don't feel inferior around people who I perceive as posh as it's not like I'm a nacker or something! (Nacker to those who are not from the fabulous Emerald Isle means pikey, chav) I must try and behave myself when I go on the date and as my male friends keep telling me, I must not be judgmental or too harsh! I don't think I am, but they think I'm really picky because when I get chatted up by blokes in clubs I tend to knock them back. This is coming from guys who exercise no discretion at all when it comes to choosing the ladies, and they tend to have a 'My dick doesn't discriminate' attitude!

I also forgot to mention that B and I had dinner last night after work and that this has resulted in the childish imbeciles that we work with making wisecracks about us being a couple. They're hoping! Every guy I know, no matter how old they are seems to be hoping to witness a lesbian moment!

I have discovered a new source of entertainment, Hardspell , which is a spelling competition that comes on at 7pm. I was really good at it! For once I didn't shout at the TV calling them 'Thick bastards' like I do with Who Wants To Be a Millionaire probably because they're 1) kids, and 2) you barely have time to think as you try and spell! It seems that I am being a bit weepy with this period thoughm because when this boy (he had a moustache and looked really ridiculous) got eliminated, he looked like he was going to cry and I felt myself well up. I actually muttered to myself to get a grip!

I am trying to do a bit of Christmas shopping on the Harrods clearance site , which was advertising it's sale on the aol homepage when I logged on. The friggin site keeps crashing every time I put something in the shopping basket. Do you think they are trying to tell me something? I'm not a Harrods person, as I much prefer Selfridges (I've bought 13 pairs of shoes and 1 pair of boots there this year) and Harvey Nichols but I do love a bargain which is what drew me to the sale. As someone who shops a hell of a lot, trust me, picking up bargains is a must!

I have a confession which is going to shock my mother and brother if they read this, but I finally gave in and purchased one of those rabbit vibrator's ! Almost every woman I know owns one (or some other vibrator) and after talking about them last night, I said 'F*ck it' (not literally) and bought one online. It was a bargain aswell! I really don't know if I'll use it, as my idea of being a plastic girl is flexing my credit/debit cards, but in the interests of research.........

I would like to point out that most of the women I know are getting sex on a regular basis as well as owning a vibrator. We must be getting greedy! It is not one of the items that I will be carrying in my handbag though!

Oh my gosh! I don't know what the hell is going on but another speed-dater has just called and I am going out with him on Monday. He's one that I marked as friend though! Oh the fun! My diary is getting really full in December!