10 Reasons Why I Know I'm Single/Living Alone

Yesterday I had yet another moment of clarity that I am single and maybe just a bit of a dizzy....when I set my wok on fire. This has prompted me to blog about the Ten Reasons Why I Know I'm Single/Living Alone. Now before I get to the list, I must of course tell the story!

Now I must admit that the reason for my distraction was non other than the wonderful Dating Dummy, who was celebrating his 30th yesterday (Happy birthday my boy!) . I put the oil in the wok, turned the cooker on, and then remembered that I hadn't pressed send on the email I had composed for him. So I went and pressed send, got distracted, and next thing you know I smelt something odd. I hopped up and went into the kitchen and there is the f*cking wok up in flames.

Now I know what I should have done, but I'm not going to lie. I'll tell the truth. I froze. Then I snatched the bloody thing off the hob, shoved it one side, and stared at the flames. And then Lord knows why, but I slammed the kitchen door behind me, grabbed my mobile phone and spent a few seconds deliberating on who was the best person to phone in my crisis. And then a rational thought crept in and got my arse in gear:

'NML, what the f*ck do you think you're doing? Your bloody kitchen could be burning down right now. In fact, my arse might be toast very soon if I don't get back in there and sort it out. Now move!'

I went back into the kitchen and fortunately the fire had gone out. It was so full of smoke, I had to cover my mouth with a towel and try to open the window. It was then I noted that there was a fire blanket thingy on the wall. Then I started to have a choking fit and made my rapid escape out of the kitchen slamming the door behind me.

I told The Contender about it last night when I spoke to him on the phone and he howled with laughter and then told me off for being so silly. Oh dear....

So here are Ten Reasons Why I Know I am Single/Living Alone:

1) Emergencies!I had a choking fit the other day and if I had keeled over there would have been nobody around to save me. Not being able to breathe and flailing around for that non-existent someone at your side is horrible. Also running from the scene of a fire could have been curtailed by the existence of a sensible male at my side. Or I could have just used the poxy fire blanket!

2) For some profound reason, I am fascinated by the possibility of dying (obviously when I am old but still single) and being found dead after 2 weeks with Alsatians feasting on me. I told this to The Contender and again, he pissed himself laughing and asked, 'NML, where the f*ck do the Alsatians come from?' I don't even like big dogs and I would never own an Alsatian.

3) I own a rabbit. I may not use it very often (used a total of 3 times meaning that the cost per use is £6!) but it is there as a reassuring comfort blanket that should I never see the light of dick ever again, there is plastic to keep the fires burning. Did I say fire? Bad word....

4) I throw away sh*tloads of food each year. Cooking for one and grocery shopping for one is a wasteful experience. The supermarkets seem to think that all single people want to do is eat meals for one and when you buy fresh food or anything that isn't microwaveable, it tends to be for 2 people or more. I can't eat as quick as the food goes off, and I'm not going to eat the whole lot in one go otherwise I'd turn into a ten ton tessy and potentially reduce my chances of nabbing a man even further! I do freeze stuff, but I forget to take it out the freezer which means I have to go to the supermarket or eat out and start the whole process all over again!

5) I shower/use the toilet with the bathroom door open. This is a bad habit and I've come close to doing this when I have visitors! Fortunately I've caught myself just in the nick of time!

6) My mothers queries about my lovelife and her future grandchildren are becoming a little more frantic. The funny thing is, if I had become a single mother a few years ago, she'd have beat me to within an inch of my life (or at least threatened to!) but now she would be overjoyed. She's started calling me a 'Career Woman' which is codeword for Disappointing Daughter That Hasn't a Steady Man and is Showing No Signs of Producing Grandchildren.

7) My friends that are attached all seem to have this desperate, overwhelming need to see me settle down with someone. They all want to know about the lovelife, and on Monday mornings I always get asked by my colleagues if I met a man over the weekend. It makes me want to shout, 'I am a complete person on my own you know!'. If one more friend introduces me to a man with a knowing look or tells me that they only wish that I could experience some of the happiness that they are, I will scream!

8) I dress to impress every day from the underwear down to the shoes. Always wear nice underwear even when you have the painters and decorators in is my advice. This isn't because I am afraid of being run over in a horrid pair of knickers, but more because I might just get whisked away by the man of my dreams or Brad Pitt/Morris Chestnut/Mark Wahlberg /Colin Farrell might just hear my desperate pleas and come and save me. Not that I'm saying that a man would see my knickers the first time, but they help you feel good!

9) I daydream about weird stuff. Whenever I get talking to a guy for the first time, I find myself imagining if I could see myself out with him, and occasionally I have wondered what the kids would look like. Once when I went on a date with a man built like an American footballer, I was horrified with thoughts of what would happen if he was on top of me having sex. Or there was the guy that blinked incesstantly (like a bloody porcelain doll with those funny blinking eyes) and I had visions of me married to him and being surrounded by him and our four incesstantly blinking children. Oh dear....

10) I find myself crying at silly sh*t on the TV. I was watching something with The Contender a few weeks back and had to pretend I had got dust in my eye. I cried today when Junior got married in My Wife and Kids. I sometimes purposefully watch things to have a weep, like Boys In The Hood. I am sure that if I was attached and getting a regular seeing to, my emotions would be a bit more balanced and I probably wouldn't have time to cry over such ridiculous things. Did I mention that I always cry at the end of Ghostas well?

Reading this back to myself, I wonder if I'm a bit nuts. Then I wonder if this is why I am single. Then I wonder if I think too much. Then I realise that this is why it would be good to have a man as I wouldn't have the energy to think about such sh*te! Then I would be burning up my energy pondering the hows and whys of his behavior. Jaysus, I can't win!

Just got off the phone with The Contender. He seems quite keen at the moment. I am behaving myself and being cool, calm and collected. I promise!