Are men really afraid of crowding women?
Due to my recent dramas and also my journeys as I surf through my blog pals blogs, I am discovering that a lot of guys are afraid of smothering a woman and want to ensure that they give her space.
On the flip side, as usual, women such as myself are wondering when the hell they're going to see their guy, hear from him, and pondering how much he likes her.
It's the old adage, that with a lot of men, it's one extreme or the other. You either hear sweet f*ck all from them or they're stalking you and you've got a restraining order to keep things under control. Can't they all just strike a balance?
If I'm casually seeing someone (American style dating), I'm not particularly fussed about how often I hear from a guy. If I haven't actually been on a date, I despise texting because it makes me feel like a dick.
Example:
'Hey there sexy. Hope ur well. I really enjoyed talking to you last night. How was ur day?'
Now I never know how to reply to texts like this. Do I say 'Fine';'Great';'Work was shit. I woke up late....';'I feel terrible';'Horrid period pains...'. You get the idea...and yes I am being sarcastic re my responses!
I always get edgy when I get lots of texts/phonecalls/emails from a guy that I haven't gone out on a date with yet. It does make me think they're clingy and a bit too eager beaver for my liking. If they text etc as much as this without putting up with me for an evening, what the hell will they do after that?
However, if I am seeing you that is a whole different kettle of fish. Take The Contender. I am not calling him my boyfriend but we are seeing each other. Before we both went on our respective trips, we heard from each other in some way, shape or form pretty much every day since we got it together 5/6 weeks ago. Before we kissed, I heard from him most days. He gets back from his friggin holiday and I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and it takes him till the 2nd day to get in touch. I know he's busy. I know he's got a lot of stuff going on, but for crying out loud, would it have killed him to text or email me on Tuesday?
He shouldn't be afraid of crowding me or not giving me space because he hasn't minded edging his way into my life, kissing me till I swoon, cuddling me and making me laugh till tears roll down my face. Don't you think it's a bit late for him to worry about such things?
If he is worried about that, it's because he needs the space and he is afraid that I will crowd him at this difficult time in his life. Well I bloody well won't!
As for the crowding issue in the general sense, a woman wants to know that:
1. He is interested
2. He is consistently interested
3. That he's not leading a double life (got somebody else on the side - wife, girlfriend, fiance, boyfriend even!)
4. That he is thinking of her
This can all be done by being a little bit more attentive, by a guy calling when he says he will and not giving her many opportunities to think about whether she's being messed around.
In the typical way of the world, men are worried about crowding women, women are worried about the men not being wanting to be around them enough. Once again, there is a miscommunication between the sexes. Once again, men have taken something completely literally. Let NML break it down for you:
If you are a man and you hardly know a woman you shouldn't be:
1)Bombarding her with calls even when she says she'll call you next time
2)Turning up at her office demanding to speak to her
3)Calling in the middle of the night
4)Hanging around at her hangouts in the hope you'll bump into her even though she has told you when she'll see you next
5)Crying down the phone
6)Getting jealous and possessive
7)Kicking the sh*t of men that she talks to or about(or threatening to)
8)Be doing anything that will make her consider getting a retraining order, blocking her phone, having a few burly blokes come and sort you out.
If you're a man and you've had a few dates with a woman, being seeing her for a few weeks, consistently dating for a while (into months) you should:
1) Call the woman. Consistently. Regularly.
2) Call her unexpectedly because you thought of her, not just because you normally phone her at 6pm on a Wednesday. (Unless of course you're doing long distance)
3) Show her your interested in a flattering way which affords you both your space to have your separate lives whilst you conduct your blossoming relationship and discover whether it has the strength to go long term.
4)Stop worrying about crowding her or not giving her space, unless of course you have committed the above offences when you've hardly known a woman, which is when you should take heed!
So The Contender, if you can hear me (I hope to f*ck you can't because you don't know about the blog...yet) NML doesn't mind if you up the ante on the calls or seeing me. Crowd me a little!I'm a woman with my own mind and I make my own space.
On the flip side, as usual, women such as myself are wondering when the hell they're going to see their guy, hear from him, and pondering how much he likes her.
It's the old adage, that with a lot of men, it's one extreme or the other. You either hear sweet f*ck all from them or they're stalking you and you've got a restraining order to keep things under control. Can't they all just strike a balance?
If I'm casually seeing someone (American style dating), I'm not particularly fussed about how often I hear from a guy. If I haven't actually been on a date, I despise texting because it makes me feel like a dick.
Example:
'Hey there sexy. Hope ur well. I really enjoyed talking to you last night. How was ur day?'
Now I never know how to reply to texts like this. Do I say 'Fine';'Great';'Work was shit. I woke up late....';'I feel terrible';'Horrid period pains...'. You get the idea...and yes I am being sarcastic re my responses!
I always get edgy when I get lots of texts/phonecalls/emails from a guy that I haven't gone out on a date with yet. It does make me think they're clingy and a bit too eager beaver for my liking. If they text etc as much as this without putting up with me for an evening, what the hell will they do after that?
However, if I am seeing you that is a whole different kettle of fish. Take The Contender. I am not calling him my boyfriend but we are seeing each other. Before we both went on our respective trips, we heard from each other in some way, shape or form pretty much every day since we got it together 5/6 weeks ago. Before we kissed, I heard from him most days. He gets back from his friggin holiday and I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and it takes him till the 2nd day to get in touch. I know he's busy. I know he's got a lot of stuff going on, but for crying out loud, would it have killed him to text or email me on Tuesday?
He shouldn't be afraid of crowding me or not giving me space because he hasn't minded edging his way into my life, kissing me till I swoon, cuddling me and making me laugh till tears roll down my face. Don't you think it's a bit late for him to worry about such things?
If he is worried about that, it's because he needs the space and he is afraid that I will crowd him at this difficult time in his life. Well I bloody well won't!
As for the crowding issue in the general sense, a woman wants to know that:
1. He is interested
2. He is consistently interested
3. That he's not leading a double life (got somebody else on the side - wife, girlfriend, fiance, boyfriend even!)
4. That he is thinking of her
This can all be done by being a little bit more attentive, by a guy calling when he says he will and not giving her many opportunities to think about whether she's being messed around.
In the typical way of the world, men are worried about crowding women, women are worried about the men not being wanting to be around them enough. Once again, there is a miscommunication between the sexes. Once again, men have taken something completely literally. Let NML break it down for you:
If you are a man and you hardly know a woman you shouldn't be:
1)Bombarding her with calls even when she says she'll call you next time
2)Turning up at her office demanding to speak to her
3)Calling in the middle of the night
4)Hanging around at her hangouts in the hope you'll bump into her even though she has told you when she'll see you next
5)Crying down the phone
6)Getting jealous and possessive
7)Kicking the sh*t of men that she talks to or about(or threatening to)
8)Be doing anything that will make her consider getting a retraining order, blocking her phone, having a few burly blokes come and sort you out.
If you're a man and you've had a few dates with a woman, being seeing her for a few weeks, consistently dating for a while (into months) you should:
1) Call the woman. Consistently. Regularly.
2) Call her unexpectedly because you thought of her, not just because you normally phone her at 6pm on a Wednesday. (Unless of course you're doing long distance)
3) Show her your interested in a flattering way which affords you both your space to have your separate lives whilst you conduct your blossoming relationship and discover whether it has the strength to go long term.
4)Stop worrying about crowding her or not giving her space, unless of course you have committed the above offences when you've hardly known a woman, which is when you should take heed!
So The Contender, if you can hear me (I hope to f*ck you can't because you don't know about the blog...yet) NML doesn't mind if you up the ante on the calls or seeing me. Crowd me a little!I'm a woman with my own mind and I make my own space.
16 Comments:
You know, you're right in so many ways...but I also can't help feel sorry for guys because women are so inconsistent.
For example, if you're a guy and the last girl you were seeing hated you calling all the time, then you know how it is...once bitten twice shy...they'll back down next time they're in a relationship...so that's what they do, only to find that this time the woman wants more attention. Fair enough, he makes a mental note to act accordingly. Next relationship down the line he goes by past experience and she's accusing him of being a stalker..and so on....and blah blah
I'm not saying we're hard to understand, I hate it when men say they don't understand women cos that's bollocks. We're human. We're people. But we are all different...and that's what all men should realise, that women like to be treated with respect and as individuals. Simple really.
As for men...well...they're just a whole different kettle of fish!
x
Ahem, people are inconsistent. Neither sex has a lock on bad or confusing behavior.
NML--I agree with all your points. Your lists are spot on. The only thing you can do is stop trying to get in his head. What do you want? Do you really want to see him? (I know you do.) Or are you just insulted that he isn't being more attentive? Probably yes to that too. But it's fruitless to try and figure out his behavior. Either talk to him or ignore it and live your life. And keep using the blog to vent :)
There's the trouble, NML.
"Crowd me a little!"
Erm...ok...how much is a little? Too much and it's no longer a little. Not enough and you aren't crowding.
Finding the happy medium is rather difficult and varies from person to person.
Having said that, it doesn't actually take a genius to work it out. If you've known the woman a month you SHOULD have it twigged by now.
Yeah sorry Jamy - people are inconsistent...I was being a bit tongue in cheek in places but it's hard to convey that in written form.
There's no real difference between men and women 'cept physiology...we're just all individuals...
"American Style Dating" -- that cracked me up. We're really that bad that we have a dating style where you just casually see half of the men in your town and hope one of these casual relationships goes somewhere.
Sigh.
NML, I love this post, really!! Its indeed hilarious!!!! I laughed my hat off... Ok, enough Kathleen...I concur with you my dear! I require alot of personal private space. However staying in touch weekly, or daily is a wonderful method of keeping the memory of "That first kiss" alive and vivid !
Balance is so vital in all things we do as humans. Therefore I prefer a well balanced man. If he is well balanced from his personality, then he will indeed know when its time to make contact with his given lady.
Nice weekend,
Kathleen
ppq--I re-read your post and I was just a bit slow--not getting your humor until later. I jumped the gun because I get so tired of hearing men say, "I don't understand women" and women say, "men are so confusing." We're all people, we're all confused. Especially me :)
Men are not afraid of crowding women. at least as a species. It just depends on the type of bloke.
1. Bloke type one is a player. He's just afraid of reducing his shag pool by being associated with one woman. Sure these guys can be tools but so long as they are up front about being a player (and I think most ladies can see the signs) it's more a matter of everyone gets what they want.
2. Bloke type two is a mamma's boy. He's more prone to the stalky smothery behavior because he doesn't get as much attention from women as he does his mother. These dude's have issues. Potential serial killers and the like.
3. Bloke type three. Well that's most of us. We are just too frightened to screw up. We maybe watched too much 90210 growing up and that taught us all about the women being generally nut cases. Type three may be dumb, but it's more of a puppy dog sort of dumb.
Maybe at times, they might need to get hit on the head.
Completely forgivable since you know... you're all kinda nuts.
Sighhhhnn... and then there's my situation, where the damn guy acts like he wants to see me. Is attentive, spends the day with me, takes me to a wedding for craps' sake and then breaks things off!!!
Excuse me, but WTF?
You're so right about the extremes: it's one or the other. We just can't seem to get someone satisfactorily normal who calls just the right amount, treats us like princesses and etc.
Is it naive of me to think (hope?) that when you find the right person things will just be right? There won't be worries about calls or whether he likes you or what he's thinking?
I certainly hope so, because I don't think I could deal with another 'relationship' like the one I just had! :-P
PPQ - I totally get what you're saying with respect to both comments. It's that whole 'literal' thing that men do because there is a failure to recognise each woman as being individual and accessing and reacting to each individual situation in an individual manner. I totally accept that we are all individuals but there are still fundamental differences between men and women that exasperate the situation further.
Jamy - Absolutely, I fully agree with you. Both sexes have very confusing 'different' behaviour. I am so not going to figure out his behaviour because well, that's impossible. For the time being I'm going to ignore it and do a spot of venting.
Re yours and PPQs little confusions, I get PPQs tongue in cheek ways but sometimes our humour doesn't quite convey. (I have been in trouble for it before!) PPQ is brill, and you'll get used to her humour! Hell everyone is confused and unfortunately I don't think we'll ever resolve what drives much of our confusion. Ah well, at least it gives us something to talk about!
Serial Loser - Absaf*ckinglutely! I think it's him that needs the space and time to deal with his own life. I'm sure the bugger has twigged it but he also thinks I am this super confident woman who doesn't get her knickers in a twist over such things. For some reason guys never think of me as damsel in distress. Oh dear....;-)
Charming But Single - Hilarious! But it really is so different out in the US to here when it comes to dating. I think we could stand to learn something from you guys! Mind you, i haven't the energy to date half the men in London! So what does that mean for me? I guess I put all of my eggs in one basket until I either drop the basket and we break up or a lovely relationship hatches. Oh the chances we take....
Kathleen - Hello! I like a certain amount of private space myself but I am this stage of my life where I am wary of 'seeing' a guy if there isn't a distinct possibility that it's going to lead somewhere. I haven't got the energy for all of the melodrama of my youth. I am watching TC very closely over the next while but I also recognise that he also needs his private space as his life is not the easiest at the moment!
Blug - Hilarious! Only you would turn around and say us ladies are all kinda nuts! TC is definitely a #3 but his behavior is driven by his need to keep his distance whilst he copes with the various dramas in his life. I am getting a newspaper to give him a tap on the head very soon!
Zee - WTF!? I tried to go on your blog and couldn't get on, but I want to know exactly what happened! What a bleep bleep bleep! I have heard of guys doing that stuff before, and I think he got too close to you in his mind and baled out. Coward! He obviously can't cope with his emotions! Finding the right person is not a guarantee of not having any worries. There may be some 'training'! {big hugs} xxx
Okay, I know I've come to the party late (Hi NML!), but y'know, birthday hangover and all, lol, gimme some slack. :)
The thing guys like me are aware of is that at one time or another, we were head-over-heels crazy over a girl, and before we learned that love wasn't as simple as 'I like you, you like me' - we didn't realize that giving a girl all that attention and being smitten with them was probably the one thing that made them run for the hills. Too much attention kills, and ironically, there's that unexplainable phenomenon where people want more what they have to work for or can't have easily - guys who are bananas over a girl are deemed the easy catch or the low-hanging fruit - and therefore are passed by as just a 'friend'.
Some guys realize this - once burned, twice shy, and therefore we learn to move things at a more measured pace, inching in, looking for the same on the woman's part, and so on.
But you make a *great* distinction that I didn't realize until much later: that it's okay to start giving that attention once you've broken through that all-important barrier where you're now recognizing that you're seeing each other fairly regularly. But still, I think a twist to that maxim holds true: all things in moderation keeps a couple happy!
btw, you've got mail!
EXACTLY!!!!!! just as you've listed in your post-- all guys should print it out and glue it to their foreheads!!!! -THANK YOU!
-oh and on the "casual dating" - yes, it should be CASUAL to the girl, but the GUY should at least ACT like he is COMPLETELY IN LOVE!-
don't they know these things!!???
I'm going to piggyback onto what Dating Dummy and Blug said. Most men are afraid of screwing things up so much so that they may seem distant. Everyone is different and everyone has a different threshold of what "crowding is". Dating Dummy brought up a great point of it's okay to give your attention once you've broken through the barrier of realizing that you're dating regularly. I think this is really an issue because again, everyone has a different threshhold of what constitutes dating casually and dating exclusively.
if i had a guy currently, he should read this post to know how to act! there's a guy who does send me txts and stuff everyday telling me to have an awesome day and sending me "roses" in msn. it's like wtf? but maybe it's cuz i think he's gross =P
i do think contender should have called you if for a really short time. however it is a waste of time to think about it and try to analyze it, i know it's hard not to. =S
See, I'm a bit of a different animal. My BF and I have been togetehr for about 5 months. Before that I've been pretty consistenytly single (2-3 month relationships, flings, etc.)
I'm really, really okay being on my own but also have that need to connect with someone emotionally and sexually. I really need my "me time." It was a struggle at first with Pat and I, but he gave me the space I needed and wisely let me get comfortable with the idea of spending 3 nights a week together, sometimes all in a row, all on my own. When I told why I needed that time, he understood - begrudgingly at first - but saw how important it was to me. The only way to successfully get what you want is:
To ask for it. Devoid of anxiety or frustration. I think a lot of time women assume men know what we are thinking. They so, so don't. If consistency is impiortant toy ou, then tell him that. If he's invested in you, he'll meet you half way. But don't command him to call you every day or yell at him if he doesn't (not that you would, I'm just sayin').
Guys like things spelled out for them . The less work he has to do deciphering what a woman says, the more likely he is to get it and meet that need. Just keep your voice light and work it into an already easy/fun conversation. You can do that, I can tell by the way you write.
P.S. Anyone have any advice on handling Scottish men? My guy is a Scot who grew up in London and moved to NYC a few years ago. Are Scottish men all "no-nonsense?"
Good Luck!
Moxie
sexandmoxie.blogspot.com
Hey DD! As usual you speak perfect sense. If he was all over me like a rash his name would be The Stalker, so I do see where you're coming from. Relationships are tiring and that's before I've even got down to the nitty gritty! Check the next post where you caused me to get into a little strife DD!.... ;-)
Ale - Welcome! I am flattered that you think guys should print this out! I'm going to start cracking at a whip at my guy soon to pull him into line if he's not careful! Actually, I've been thinking I may have to be a little less subtle with him and put a firecracker up his arse to get the whole thing moving. Joking!
Cincy - Hello! Everybody is different and I know he's not a mind reader, but neither am I. It's so difficult to know which way to play this, so I'm just going to go with the flow. I think I casual dating, but exclusively, which is...messy.
Wyn - Hilarious! You crack me up. The less interested you are, the more interested he is. That's men for you! You're right about the analysis thing. It's come and gone now and typical TC, he's like a feast or a famine. He's called 3 times this weekend. WTF!?
SexandMoxie - That was some steamy post on your blog. I was going to comment but for once I didn't have anything sassy to say for myself. Must admit I could have done with a guy afterwards ;-) You're right about asking him, and normally I would, but I feel a little backed into a corner because he has so much shit going on what with selling the house he used to share with his ex etc. However, I do realise that I am going to have to gently broach some subjects soon.
Re the Scot, he sounds like a right sexy thing. Scottish men have fabulous accents and the Scots as a nationality tend to be pretty blunt. Most Scots I've known of though are hard on the outside and a secret softie within. Their accent, sexy as it is, does cause some of the things they say to come across as no-nonsense as well. They just don't F around with getting their point across.
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