Changing to be a wifey
I've wondered if I need to be preparing for a future boyfriend and that if I am more proactive and more 'wifey' that I'll snare a man. So I've put together a hypothetical list of things that could potentially up my chances.
7 Hypothetical behavioral Changes That Could Make Me A Wifey
1. Be a bit quieter. I'm known as a 'people person' which is polite for loud mutherf*cker that doesn't seem to know when to shut up. I can talk for England and sometimes it's good to take a backseat and let the guy have his moment.
2. Cut down on the swearing. I was brought up in Dublin and the Irish are wonderfully expressive (Think of that fine ass Colin Farrell!). I admit to being partial to the F word and I am fascinated by the word 'mutherf*cker'. I don't say it all the time before anyone gets the wrong idea but it can make a story very funny and it's lovely and horrible when you want to be mean about someone. It probably won't get me any brownie points with some guys though so an adjustment in anger vocabulary and storytime adjectives may be necessary.
3. Dress less sexy and fashion conscious and more homely and wifey. I think that for some crazy reason, some guys look at stylish women and think unobtainable, difficult, career woman, ambitious, money hungry as opposed to thinking woman that likes her clothes but probably wouldn't buy as much if she got the house, husband and the 2.4 children. Okay, that's a lie about me not buying as many clothes but I'm wifey material, I swear. I must have a look in Selfridges and see if they sell housecoats...
4. Be a virgin. Again. Wipe out the past and be what most guys egos want, which is for him to think that he's the only one who's had you.
5. Learn how to cook elaborate dinners. I can cook, but maybe if I step it up a notch and demonstrate this to a guy I date, I'll be able to reel him in. How I would learn to do this when I'm cooking for one, going out loads, and slobbing out on the couch when I get home, hasn't quite been figured out, but I'm sure I'll think of something.
6. Start to like ironing. For some reason I've always attracted men that seem to iron really well, and even though I can iron, I hate it like most women I know. The ironing has become a bone of contention a few times and my ex fiance shouted at me in one of our last arguments 'And by the way: Don't bloody bother to iron my shirts because you leave more lines in them than a London Underground map and I hate having to thank you for them.' What a sh*t, but I did wonder today that instead of dreaming about burning holes in all of their shirts when they whinge, I could instead learn how to love this chore.
7. Be a damsel in distress. Every single guy I know thinks that I am super strong and even if I cried like a freakin baby tomorrow, they'd still think that I can cope. This means that guys often don't feel like they get to play their needed role that much with me because I'm perceived as being self-sufficient and strong. This means that the girl who does emotional will always win even if she secretly wrecks his head because he gets to play the 'male' role really well. Now it would be a big act to pull off but I think I could learn how to look vulnerable and as if I need to be propped up by a sturdy man. I think if I do this alongside being quiet, guys will be keen to rescue me and be my problem solver.
And 7 reasons why I won't....
1. Me? Quiet? I don't bloody think so! When I'm quiet, people are convinced that there's something wrong. It is my civic duty to be my noisy self. Quiet comes when I'm asleep or watching one of my favorite shows.
2. Do bears sh*t in the woods? Swearing is naughty fun and funny enough, I pick and choose when I want to be 'expressive'. I do it more for it's entertainment value and when I'm angry but I don't say feck and arse after every word. I think it's more a case of when I swear, it has impact...
3. I don't do the whole Plain Jane thing. I'm not a dedicated follower of fashion and I have my have my own style. I'm not walking around with my boobs out and whilst I am prone to having my skirts blown up, I don't think there is anything wrong with how I dress. I like to look good and there is more to me than how I dress. If a guy judges me because I have a too stylish clothes on, we're probably not destined for each other. Funny, I doubt that I will lose brownie points for wearing my lovely FMB's (F*ck Me Boots)
4. I have not been around the block, but on the few occasions where I have tested people out and told them that I'm a virgin, they've all pissed themselves laughing. Apparently nobody believes that I would have gone out with a guy for an extended period of time without road testing him. Too bleedin right!
5. I'm trying to keep down my little steroid tummy not bloody increase it! I can't go on a big learn-to- cook-drive because I would have to eat every recipe I tried. Once I've done my recipe, what am I supposed to do? Have a candlelit dinner by myself? Jaysus!
6. When I was a little girl, I didn't think 'One day I want to be really good at ironing'. I'm sure that when I've got a family I will just get on with doing it, but in the meantime I will keep walking past the linen basket of clean clothes that are screaming to be ironed for God knows how many months. What they need is a good strong man to take the creases out. Oh, I know, I'll call my eager beaver ironing ex!
7. When I was a little girl I didn't get the parts in the play like Cinderella, Snow White and whoever that woman was in the King and I, and there was a reason. I'm sure being a shite actress may have something to do with it, but NML doesn't do damsel in distress. What any half decent guy needs to realise if he steps up the plate is that underneath my so-called hard exterior is a soft centre. I may be quite self-sufficient but that doesn't mean that I'm not a soppy cow! For Gods sake, this is the same woman that cried in my bed on Sunday morning, when Ryan Chappelle got killed in 24 and when Jack Bauer cried at the end of series 3!
So I managed to talk myself into and out of being a new NML all in one post!
Authors Note!
I did not actually cry because Ryan Chapelle had been killed but more for poor Jack that had to kill him under orders from the President.
7 Hypothetical behavioral Changes That Could Make Me A Wifey
1. Be a bit quieter. I'm known as a 'people person' which is polite for loud mutherf*cker that doesn't seem to know when to shut up. I can talk for England and sometimes it's good to take a backseat and let the guy have his moment.
2. Cut down on the swearing. I was brought up in Dublin and the Irish are wonderfully expressive (Think of that fine ass Colin Farrell!). I admit to being partial to the F word and I am fascinated by the word 'mutherf*cker'. I don't say it all the time before anyone gets the wrong idea but it can make a story very funny and it's lovely and horrible when you want to be mean about someone. It probably won't get me any brownie points with some guys though so an adjustment in anger vocabulary and storytime adjectives may be necessary.
3. Dress less sexy and fashion conscious and more homely and wifey. I think that for some crazy reason, some guys look at stylish women and think unobtainable, difficult, career woman, ambitious, money hungry as opposed to thinking woman that likes her clothes but probably wouldn't buy as much if she got the house, husband and the 2.4 children. Okay, that's a lie about me not buying as many clothes but I'm wifey material, I swear. I must have a look in Selfridges and see if they sell housecoats...
4. Be a virgin. Again. Wipe out the past and be what most guys egos want, which is for him to think that he's the only one who's had you.
5. Learn how to cook elaborate dinners. I can cook, but maybe if I step it up a notch and demonstrate this to a guy I date, I'll be able to reel him in. How I would learn to do this when I'm cooking for one, going out loads, and slobbing out on the couch when I get home, hasn't quite been figured out, but I'm sure I'll think of something.
6. Start to like ironing. For some reason I've always attracted men that seem to iron really well, and even though I can iron, I hate it like most women I know. The ironing has become a bone of contention a few times and my ex fiance shouted at me in one of our last arguments 'And by the way: Don't bloody bother to iron my shirts because you leave more lines in them than a London Underground map and I hate having to thank you for them.' What a sh*t, but I did wonder today that instead of dreaming about burning holes in all of their shirts when they whinge, I could instead learn how to love this chore.
7. Be a damsel in distress. Every single guy I know thinks that I am super strong and even if I cried like a freakin baby tomorrow, they'd still think that I can cope. This means that guys often don't feel like they get to play their needed role that much with me because I'm perceived as being self-sufficient and strong. This means that the girl who does emotional will always win even if she secretly wrecks his head because he gets to play the 'male' role really well. Now it would be a big act to pull off but I think I could learn how to look vulnerable and as if I need to be propped up by a sturdy man. I think if I do this alongside being quiet, guys will be keen to rescue me and be my problem solver.
And 7 reasons why I won't....
1. Me? Quiet? I don't bloody think so! When I'm quiet, people are convinced that there's something wrong. It is my civic duty to be my noisy self. Quiet comes when I'm asleep or watching one of my favorite shows.
2. Do bears sh*t in the woods? Swearing is naughty fun and funny enough, I pick and choose when I want to be 'expressive'. I do it more for it's entertainment value and when I'm angry but I don't say feck and arse after every word. I think it's more a case of when I swear, it has impact...
3. I don't do the whole Plain Jane thing. I'm not a dedicated follower of fashion and I have my have my own style. I'm not walking around with my boobs out and whilst I am prone to having my skirts blown up, I don't think there is anything wrong with how I dress. I like to look good and there is more to me than how I dress. If a guy judges me because I have a too stylish clothes on, we're probably not destined for each other. Funny, I doubt that I will lose brownie points for wearing my lovely FMB's (F*ck Me Boots)
4. I have not been around the block, but on the few occasions where I have tested people out and told them that I'm a virgin, they've all pissed themselves laughing. Apparently nobody believes that I would have gone out with a guy for an extended period of time without road testing him. Too bleedin right!
5. I'm trying to keep down my little steroid tummy not bloody increase it! I can't go on a big learn-to- cook-drive because I would have to eat every recipe I tried. Once I've done my recipe, what am I supposed to do? Have a candlelit dinner by myself? Jaysus!
6. When I was a little girl, I didn't think 'One day I want to be really good at ironing'. I'm sure that when I've got a family I will just get on with doing it, but in the meantime I will keep walking past the linen basket of clean clothes that are screaming to be ironed for God knows how many months. What they need is a good strong man to take the creases out. Oh, I know, I'll call my eager beaver ironing ex!
7. When I was a little girl I didn't get the parts in the play like Cinderella, Snow White and whoever that woman was in the King and I, and there was a reason. I'm sure being a shite actress may have something to do with it, but NML doesn't do damsel in distress. What any half decent guy needs to realise if he steps up the plate is that underneath my so-called hard exterior is a soft centre. I may be quite self-sufficient but that doesn't mean that I'm not a soppy cow! For Gods sake, this is the same woman that cried in my bed on Sunday morning, when Ryan Chappelle got killed in 24 and when Jack Bauer cried at the end of series 3!
So I managed to talk myself into and out of being a new NML all in one post!
Authors Note!
I did not actually cry because Ryan Chapelle had been killed but more for poor Jack that had to kill him under orders from the President.
18 Comments:
Laughing my ass off! Quality post, NML.
If a man wants a woman who cooks, irons, dresses dowdy, doesn't swear, is a virgin (at least as far as he's concerned) and is relatively quiet then he should piss off home to his mother and not bother single women again!
And any man worth his salt should be able to see through a woman's 'hard exterior' to the soppiness below...simply because EVERYONE has it.
Carry on as is, girl. :o)
you don't change who you are... you find the right person for you....
a few comments (so what's new?) - overall, of course i advocate you be yourself... nothing worse than snagging a guy being someone you're not because you won't want to keep it up.
as to the swearing/people person, guys like a girl who's not too dainty, someone who can be like one of the guys but also lady-like when occasion calls for it. i have no doubt you can do that.
the dressing bit - you ought not change, but at the same time, the good guys are shy and might be intimidated and the guys who will approach someone... well, a lot of them have big egos.
the cooking bit - i think this has got me, too, where i'm sure potential guy is afraid he will starve if up to me to cook everything (so it's gotta be equal and he can make something that qualifies as well-balanced). maybe you can try out one dish at a time, eating out too much is not healthy.
I was really surprised when I read this. It wasn't what expected. All of those things were such superficial things to change. Yes, be yourself and you will attract the kind of guy who would want to be with the kind of person you really are.
Can you say STEPFORD WIFE? Oh my gawd girlfriend! You can't seriously think that YOU would want anyone who would want you for less than who you are now, can you? There's a difference between changing and compromising... compromising is voluntary, changing is just becoming someone else altogether! Yeesh!
Some day, our Princes will come... and they'll appreciate the fact that we are strong, independent women who know how to use the phrase "useless motherf*cker" and "f*ck (this, that, it, him, her, you, me)" in a sentence and make it fit perfectly... (as if there was a better adjective?! I think not! I have a degree in English, I think I know these things....)
Great post, NML - I was cracking up about halfway through once I realized you weren't actually going to do any of those things! :)
As others have said, you gotta be who you are. Plus, think of it this way: who wants to marry someone who wants a virgin who can't help herself or dig herself out of any problem? Oh, but she can COOK and she can IRON! That makes up for it! Ya.
:-P
Excuse me now while I go retch. Anyway, thanks for the giggle.
Okay, first things first, I've only just bought the series 3 dvd's of 24 and you just told me how it ends. Thank you very much!!! >:(
Anyhoo.... yes, the first person you describe would quite possibly be my idea of hell. Of course my attitude to marriage/cohabitation is one of "been there, done that", but if I ever were to test those murky waters again it would have to be with a woman who was strong, independent and spunky and wouldn't put up with any shit from me. I need keeping in my place!
Nobody should ever change themselves to suit their partner. If they don't like you the way you are, then they are not the right one.
You should have cried for Chappelle! Chappelle was aces! :( Good post still ;)
LMAO!!!
Don't you dare change a fucking thing about yourself! Any man that is worth you having - will want you are you are. Listen up closely, If I can find one that likes me as I am, (and he's 13 years younger than me) opinionated, neurotic, stubborn, emotional, etc...
You'll find the one that is perfect for you.
Don't go Stepford wife/girlfriend on us, or I shall have to come over there and hide all of your shoes.
So when are you coming to Chicago so we can go shopping and drinking?
I think that list is hilarious, but I think it is also kind of sad that the ability to "catch" a man can be reduced to a certain number of superficial traits. I find that the men I can be myself with, myself in my entirety, are the ones with lasting power. They know what they're getting into...and the "honeymoon period" lasts a lot longer (i.e. the length of the relationship)...
You seem to be a woman who knows what she wants, and one who's confident in that and in being herself. You needn't change a thing. =)
My god, I think we're the same person in two different countries. I've been blowing through a lot of blogs, skipping over stuff if it's too long to read, but this sucked me in. I cuss like a sailor, and I'll never stop. It's too fun. It feels good. I don't mind ironing, but I hate doing laundry and washing dishes. Do you guys have Downy wrinkle release over there? You spray it on the clothes and then give them a little stretch with your hands and BOOM - they're wrinkle free. If you don't have it over there, seriously tell me and I'll send you some. I've used it two mornings in a row on my dress clothes and no one can tell the difference.
And, great point on the whole topic of men don't feel they're able to do their manly duty if a woman is strong and self-sufficient. That's gotta have some validity!
You're great. Your blog kills me.
SerialLoser - Oh, you're so sweet and so right. Don't worry, I intend to stay exactly the same!
Torren - Absof*ckinglutely! I mean, there must be at least 1 guy out there that is the right person for me.
Wyn - I agree with you re the dressing bit. It's difficult to strike a balance and I'm a stylish chick! It's difficult to hide! Re the eating out, I don't eat out all the time and know how to cook a few decent meals, but I figured if I was the hypothetical wifey I would be practically like a chef
;-)
August Lioness - Welcome. I figured people would be thinking I was crazy until they got to the next list! I wouldn't dream of changing at this stage. It'd be too much bloody work and I want to be accepted not adaptable like play dough.
K - Yay! This girl is ready for that prince! I am so not cut out to be a stepford wife and I made everyone I know promise that if I ever did that they could shoot me ;-)
Zee - Hello! You know I wouldn't be a traitor and go changing on ya! There are definitely guys that want that type of woman because they feel in control but they'll never be with me! Hope you're done retching ;-)
The Daily Sketch - I definitely swear when it has its place and I may not convey it very well but I honestly don't swear all the time.
Alan - I am so so sorry! That wasn't 'quite' how it ended. I must remember that not everyone has watched all of the old series of 24. It is comforting to know that there are guys out there that want a woman with my 'spunky' personality. I just need to round them up now...the single ones of course ;-)
Gary - Chapelle was soooo irritating! He was like a slug but I did feel very sorry for the poor thing. 24 rocks!
Broom - {throws arms around and does a jig} Hello stranger! Congrats on the boyf. I am so pleased that happiness has found you and I do know that there is something out there for me. You know I'd never sell out and change! Actually, I may be in Chicago later on in the year so I will keep you posted! Y'all come back now! I missed your visits :-)
LYDLT - I'm being very tongue in cheek and I'd like to think that there is more to this whole relationship thing than that superficial shite. If you know a man with some lasting power, send him my way!
HDL - I have often said the same thing about you! Twin ;-) My friend is coming over from the US next week so I'll get her to bring some of that stuff for me - thanks for tip! You're so right about the 'manly duty' stuff. Some of my weak exes have told me that I didn't let them be in control enough. I never knew I was supposed to be letting the guy have so much control in the first place!
LOL! Well actually, I happen to like the loud, cursing, stylish, can-take-care-of-herself NML! People can be so plain sometimes, and plain is always available! I'd much rather go for a person who could rock my world. :)
MOM!!!!! Is that you?
Continue being yourself, you are loved as you are:-) The "right" man appreciates you for the woman you are. With all your negatives and positives. Does the sun shine everyday in Barbados???? Absolutely not....Kathleen
This post is fucking hilarious.
DD - {swoons and flutters her eyelashes} DD, you sure know how to charm a girl ;-)
Storm Rider - Hello Son! (Joke!) But welcome. I would be worried if I was your mum ;-)
Kathleen - Hello! I have no intentions of changing, trust me! You're right about the sun not shing everyday in Barbados, but it's wonderful all the same :-)
Jamy - Now you sound like me! :-)
7 Hypothetical behavioral Changes That Could Make Me A Wifey 1. You can talk all you want. As long as you don;t require a response every time, or if the game is on.
2. Gotta agree without on this one. Girls should not have the potty mouth. Guys either. Its lazy ugly language. Dazzle us with something other than a penchant for vulgarisms.
3. Fashion is always important. You should make yourself as hot as possible most of the time.
4. If we all wanted virgins we would hang out near high schools, I think most men enjoy a woman who are learned. And the ones that don;t get locked up for being pervs.
5. Don't worry about the cooking. Men are quite handy in the kitchen. Maybe some pies every now and again would be nice.
6. If you took the clothes out of the dryer as soon as they were done, instead of letting them get all wrinkly in a clothes ball, then you wouldn't have to iron.
7. It's always the ones who go on about being "strong" that turn out to be the biggest babies! There hiding something behind that front.
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