Is it Time To Break Up?
I'm at a funny old place in my life. For a long time I loved (Male Best Friend) MBF and I had the good sense to see my love for him for what it was and move on. Just like a rom-com or a fluffy contemporary fiction book, The Contender stepped into the frame not too long afterwards. He seemed to be a lot of what I needed right now. He's available (or is he?), he makes me laugh till my side hurts and we share many of the same values, are sometimes frighteningly similar in our outlook's, and of course I fancy the arse of him as well. When I've been talking to him or been around him, I grin from ear to ear and beam so much that my male colleagues get paranoid that I must be up to something. The cleverer ones, like B's boyfriend John, my boss and the guy I 'manage' all realise that it is down the presence of this particular man in my life.
I think it's been about 6/7 weeks since I started 'seeing' The Contender (TC) and it's been great, but....... That's the thing, I keep hesitating and a but keeps coming in, and I know why.
Firstly though, I must say that I had a really nice evening with him on Thursday. We met after work and went to a bar in Soho and regaled each other with tales of our day at work, philosophised about love and relationships (other peoples not ours) and generally took the piss. It was comfortable, relaxing and really enjoyable. He couldn't really drink because he was going to drive home later but I had a few glasses of wine, which definitely makes me even more straight up than I usually am.
I don't quite know how we got onto the conversation, but somehow I ended up telling him that I don't know how to read him at times, that I don't know where I am with him, and that he can sometimes blow hot and cold. Now for my pals and commenter's that read this, you know I'm not talking out of my bum. I have been confused by his actions at times. He seemed genuinely surprised but did admit that he has probably been that way because he is on guard because of his 'situation'. (I hate that word, as it's MBF's most overused word!) He admitted that he sensed that I had thought that about him and that he had been wary of me thinking that he was using me. Feeling like I had sweet F all to lose, I told him that the thought had passed my mind (probably wouldn't have been wise to mention that I had been deliberating this on a blog) and that I had pondered whether he was passing time with me. Apparently him coming in to meet me on Thursday night was his attempt to show me that he doesn't just 'pop in' to see me.
I told TC that sometimes I feel like he's really, really interested as he's full on and I hear from him lots, and that at other times I feel like he really, really isn't interested...
This wasn't a 'serious' conversation and I stressed that I really wasn't busting his balls because I know that he's not an asshole and that I recognise the fact that he's in a rather awkward situation right now. For anyone who has not been privy to the whole tale, TC broke up from a serious relationship of 8 years a few months ago and is in the process of trying to sell the house that he shared with the ex. He told me that I am right to think that the stuff he does is down to his situation and that he knows that the whole thing must be awkward for me. And then he said something which resonated with me:
'I've thought about how I would feel if I was walking down the street with you and bumped into someone that knows me from being with her (the ex) and I wondered if I would feel guilty. I mean, I don't know how I'd feel........'
The weird thing was is that we were having this totally honest conversation where he was telling me that he had liked me for ages (since last summer when he was still with her), that he likes being with me etc and we were totally fine with and having a giggle at the same time. I am not joking when I say that at some points in this conversation we were both doubled up with laughter, which has never happened to me when I've been having a frank discussion.
I even mentioned the fact that I know he's not the type of person to do public displays of affection and we somehow managed to be falling around laughing about it! It was a strangely funny evening and as we got the tube to his connection station, I jokingly asked if he was going to wave to me by way of goodbye and he howled with laughter. He didn't wave, he gave me a few kisses that were definitely not friendly!
So here's my honesty about this whole damn 'situation'.........
I like TC a lot but I'm not sure if I want to be involved with a man who may be available in the sense that he hasn't got a girlfriend/fiance/wife in the picture, but isn't available because he is sorting out the big stuff from his previous relationship. I have spent a lot of time placing my needs way down the ladder for people (MBF, the ex-fiance) and I don't really want to go down that route again. Why is it that I can't find a man that can be with me and treat me where I am high up in his list of priorities?
I don't want to be a secret. I don't want to be with someone who feels uncomfortable about admitting that they're with me to anyone beyond our circle. I know everybody has baggage, but this is a little bit more than some carry-on luggage! I don't want to be a comfort zone that he can meet up with once, maybe twice a week if I'm 'lucky', because he's remembered that he must try to see me this week.
Who knows how long it's going to take for him to get the house sold? As long as he has all of this other stuff to deal with, I am not on his priority list. Is what I have with TC so far enough for me to take a chance and hope that when he is all sorted that he'll want to commit to me? I don't know the answer to that right now. What I do know is that I am sick and bloody tired of it always being so f*cked up when it comes to me and this whole relationship thing. I can't make excuses for TC because they aren't for me to make. I'm not going to keep saying 'Oh, but he's got a lot going on right now' because if he does, he needs to be saying it, not me.
Why can't I meet a guy that meets me, wants to be with me, we start going out, we move in one day, there's an engagement, marriage and some kids. I know life doesn't go according to plan and that whoever I'm with it's not going ot be perfect, but how the hell am I supposed to even get a good start at something if the guy is stuck in some freakin timewarp whilst he sorts out the remnants of the old relationship?
Even if he can't put my needs on his list of priorities, I need to take care of number one and I'm not sure if I feel like being a sacrificial lamb whilst he sorts his life out.
So I don't know what to do. I need to think about this and I'm not going to knee jerk, but even if I do decide to 'break-up' with TC, do I actually have anything to break up from?
I think it's been about 6/7 weeks since I started 'seeing' The Contender (TC) and it's been great, but....... That's the thing, I keep hesitating and a but keeps coming in, and I know why.
Firstly though, I must say that I had a really nice evening with him on Thursday. We met after work and went to a bar in Soho and regaled each other with tales of our day at work, philosophised about love and relationships (other peoples not ours) and generally took the piss. It was comfortable, relaxing and really enjoyable. He couldn't really drink because he was going to drive home later but I had a few glasses of wine, which definitely makes me even more straight up than I usually am.
I don't quite know how we got onto the conversation, but somehow I ended up telling him that I don't know how to read him at times, that I don't know where I am with him, and that he can sometimes blow hot and cold. Now for my pals and commenter's that read this, you know I'm not talking out of my bum. I have been confused by his actions at times. He seemed genuinely surprised but did admit that he has probably been that way because he is on guard because of his 'situation'. (I hate that word, as it's MBF's most overused word!) He admitted that he sensed that I had thought that about him and that he had been wary of me thinking that he was using me. Feeling like I had sweet F all to lose, I told him that the thought had passed my mind (probably wouldn't have been wise to mention that I had been deliberating this on a blog) and that I had pondered whether he was passing time with me. Apparently him coming in to meet me on Thursday night was his attempt to show me that he doesn't just 'pop in' to see me.
I told TC that sometimes I feel like he's really, really interested as he's full on and I hear from him lots, and that at other times I feel like he really, really isn't interested...
This wasn't a 'serious' conversation and I stressed that I really wasn't busting his balls because I know that he's not an asshole and that I recognise the fact that he's in a rather awkward situation right now. For anyone who has not been privy to the whole tale, TC broke up from a serious relationship of 8 years a few months ago and is in the process of trying to sell the house that he shared with the ex. He told me that I am right to think that the stuff he does is down to his situation and that he knows that the whole thing must be awkward for me. And then he said something which resonated with me:
'I've thought about how I would feel if I was walking down the street with you and bumped into someone that knows me from being with her (the ex) and I wondered if I would feel guilty. I mean, I don't know how I'd feel........'
The weird thing was is that we were having this totally honest conversation where he was telling me that he had liked me for ages (since last summer when he was still with her), that he likes being with me etc and we were totally fine with and having a giggle at the same time. I am not joking when I say that at some points in this conversation we were both doubled up with laughter, which has never happened to me when I've been having a frank discussion.
I even mentioned the fact that I know he's not the type of person to do public displays of affection and we somehow managed to be falling around laughing about it! It was a strangely funny evening and as we got the tube to his connection station, I jokingly asked if he was going to wave to me by way of goodbye and he howled with laughter. He didn't wave, he gave me a few kisses that were definitely not friendly!
So here's my honesty about this whole damn 'situation'.........
I like TC a lot but I'm not sure if I want to be involved with a man who may be available in the sense that he hasn't got a girlfriend/fiance/wife in the picture, but isn't available because he is sorting out the big stuff from his previous relationship. I have spent a lot of time placing my needs way down the ladder for people (MBF, the ex-fiance) and I don't really want to go down that route again. Why is it that I can't find a man that can be with me and treat me where I am high up in his list of priorities?
I don't want to be a secret. I don't want to be with someone who feels uncomfortable about admitting that they're with me to anyone beyond our circle. I know everybody has baggage, but this is a little bit more than some carry-on luggage! I don't want to be a comfort zone that he can meet up with once, maybe twice a week if I'm 'lucky', because he's remembered that he must try to see me this week.
Who knows how long it's going to take for him to get the house sold? As long as he has all of this other stuff to deal with, I am not on his priority list. Is what I have with TC so far enough for me to take a chance and hope that when he is all sorted that he'll want to commit to me? I don't know the answer to that right now. What I do know is that I am sick and bloody tired of it always being so f*cked up when it comes to me and this whole relationship thing. I can't make excuses for TC because they aren't for me to make. I'm not going to keep saying 'Oh, but he's got a lot going on right now' because if he does, he needs to be saying it, not me.
Why can't I meet a guy that meets me, wants to be with me, we start going out, we move in one day, there's an engagement, marriage and some kids. I know life doesn't go according to plan and that whoever I'm with it's not going ot be perfect, but how the hell am I supposed to even get a good start at something if the guy is stuck in some freakin timewarp whilst he sorts out the remnants of the old relationship?
Even if he can't put my needs on his list of priorities, I need to take care of number one and I'm not sure if I feel like being a sacrificial lamb whilst he sorts his life out.
So I don't know what to do. I need to think about this and I'm not going to knee jerk, but even if I do decide to 'break-up' with TC, do I actually have anything to break up from?
17 Comments:
NML: Break up?? Is there a reason??? I find it great that you laugh alot with him and you get along well. All very essential. He is definately a nice guy. Thinking if his ex sees you both strolling through London, if she would be hurt?? Is he over his ex, or is his ex very present in his mind, heart??? I leave you to ponder over that. xxx Kathleen Glyde
Being in TC's position at the moment, I'll try to give you a clue as to what is going through his mind, if you don't mind, NML.
Were I to be seen by A or any of our mutual friends with another woman right now, I'd feel awkward, shy, perhaps even embarassed. But I wouldn't feel guilty.
If I was seeing someone I would have baggage and I would have other priorities, but not higher ones. What I don't get there is that he doesn't seem to have the time to see you/call you, quite apart from the desire - what is taking up his time?
As someone who is sorting out a house sale, is still in contact with the ex and is still recovering from the split, I still have plenty of free time.
It could be that his 'hot and cold' attitude is because he is doubting himself. His ability to make a relationship work, maybe even a fear that he is using you as a stop gap subconsciously. Whne he feels confident about himself, he is quite happy to see you, when his doubts overshadow that he isn't.
I don't think that's a reflection on you, I'm sure his feelings for you are genuine and I'm sure that his 'cold' periods are taken with your feelings in mind and not a selfish thing.
I may be wrong, but it's something to think about. He'll need time to regain that confidence, it's whether or not you are prepared to give him it.
This is what you've got: you've got a guy who makes you laugh so hard you cry, who makes you smile from ear to ear, who makes you glow so much that people around you notice a lightness in your step, who you have fun with all the time, who makes you swoon when you kiss...
Why so quick to pull the trigger and get rid of something that many people would kill to have?
It's not like he's stepping away from you; in fact, he's actively sorting his way through this so he's more available to be with you.
And yes, I do understand about the immediacy of 'now' - and how much it would be better if people came with no baggage and were immediately ready to get in a relationship with you, no strings attached. But since he does have some strings, ask yourself this: are these strings permanent? (I think 'no' - the house will be sold, and memories of his ex will fade with time) and are you willing to put up with these temporary issues to get a guy who makes you feel like all of the above in the first paragraph?
NML -- Your situation sucks. Because he does sound like a great guy, but he also sounds like he's got a few issues to deal with.
What you have to weigh is if the way he makes you feel is worth the uncertainty you feel when he's not around, when you are not hanging out, when he isn't calling and when you're left wondering if he really wants you in his life.
I would approach him as one of the men you are dating, but I would leave myself open to dating other people. I wouldn't have a huge "break up" discussion with him, I would just back off a little and see what happens.
I don't even know if I'm making any sense. ;P
eh, dump him.
Hey NML,
I know how you feel, trust me...but TC sounds like a great guy, and even more important, great for you. You yourself seem amazed by the connection between you two--not something to be taken lightly. I think it's good you realize that you need to take care of #1, however, don't let that feeling overtake you. I think if anything, perhaps a "break" until he resolves things should be the most drastic thing to continue, not a breakup. Good luck NML...
Worry about things that are actually happening, not things that might happen. You are dating. You are having fun. You are a priority for him, but not his number 1 priority, at least not yet.
So, go out with him when you can, go out with other guys if you meet anyone who catches your fancy. Don't obsess, don't ask him to change and don't plan your life around him. If you end up moving on while he's still getting his act together, too bad for him.
But, Good God, don't deny yourself his company just because he might be passing time with you.
I'm actually encouraged by his worrying about this thing too. If he was an ass, he wouldn't even wonder how he would feel being seen with you in public. He is a good guy, and a good guy wouldn't want it to look like he'd been cheating on his ex. He feels guilty because he's liked you all along.
Promise me not to talk to him about this anymore! :)
And, if this situation become torturous and you start to worry, then drop him.
I've rarely see this much "give him a chance" consensus in the comments--so maybe we're on to something. ;)
are you feeling really hurt but this whole situation? i suppose that for you, it feels like eons that you've been treated this way even if you've been seeing him 6/7 weeks. since i don't know what 'seeing him' means (if both of you agree to be exclusive and how serious you are about each other), i wonder if it would make you happier (when you're not with him) to entertain anyone else you fancy a bit... unless there is no one else so far. guys are awfully funny in a way - really logical, or something - if you're not exclusive, if you haven't verbally agree to some exclusivity, he will interpret it logically (e.g., "she's not my girlfriend, i don't have to call her every night.") on the other hand, you could very possibly be thinking (as many a girl would love) that if he was really, really, into you, after 6/7 weeks, even after an 8-year, he'd show it so much more.... i've long since given up realistically hoping that i'll have a sweet, simple love story while i'm still young. i still yearn for it though.
KG - I know, I know, breaking up might be a bit harsh. I guess I am just wary of being with a guy who may have the little bit too much baggage. He insists he's over his ex and of course he should think it would be weird to bump into someone that knew them, but feeling guilty? I don't know. I guess I'm still pondering...X
SerialLoser - The first time I read your comment I felt a bit hurt (not by you but just reading about his actions). I think that what you said about the confidence amd the 'hot and cold' scenario is probably quite close to the truth. I think that I need to give him time and that also need to get on with my own thing. You give very good advice!
DD - I always feel so naughty when you get all big daddy-o on me and set me straight. I'm not going to be trigger happy. Try and understand that I know I like him but I can't help but be wary when I consider what is going on. I'm not into all this hot and cold shit and it feels like everything is about him. What about me? Isn't it a bit too early for me to not have my feelings considered or have his needs override mine? I know he makes me laugh etc and I do fancy him but...oh I don't know. Anyway, I won't jump the gun. I need to give myself some time.
CBS - You are spot on and make perfect sense. I'm not keen at having this level of uncertainty and if it continues for a really long time, I will call it a day.
Blug - Gosh your harsh but I appreciate the opinion. Nice to have you back :-)
LYDLT - He does make me smile and laugh when I'm around him but I am going to put a little distance between us and get on with my own thing. Not a break but more me just doing what I normally do and not putting my life on hold for him. Thanks and good luck yourself x
Jamy - Hello! You also give me that naughty feeling. You and DD are like my mummy and daddy when I go off the rails with the thought process! But you are absolutely right and promise not to do any of the things that you listed, and other than the chat on Thurs, I most definitely haven't asked him to change. I think I have been subconsciously holding my breath and planning around him and I really won't be now. I promise to keep my promise xx
Wyn - Maybe a little hurt, but admittedly not much. Probably because there hasn't been some big climax like a bad ending..yet. I think we've been dating exclusively but I think I'm going to, well, not be so exclusive. I'm not going to chase down dates but when opportunity knocks....He says he likes me a lot but ...talk is cheap. I'll see how it goes over the next few weeks. I want that sweet simple love story too. I'm just not sure if I'll get it!
Thanks for the compliment!
Yeah, no harm in getting on with your own thing.
Give this guy a chance though. He seems really nice, you like him a lot, he does seem to like you. It may be bad timing but wouldn't you like to find out?
At the same time, you seem like a really nice woman, someone worth knowing, worth spending time with, so don't sell yourself short.
A tricky balance you have to find. Good luck. X
Oh, I can tell I'll get some flack for my comments, but what the hell:
My Mid-Thirties Life Crisis Opinion is to "think like a man". Basically, it's time for TC to become a non-priority. Like coffee and chocolate. It's not absolutely necessary for you to have them, but they're nice once in a while.
Why not be the one to "pass the time" with him until something happens. You know -- when those little things you used to think were so cute start annoying the crap out of you. In the meantime, keep busy - keep your eyes open - keep working the room - there are LOTS of men in this world.
I absolutely, positively believe that you not only deserve someone who has that "somethin somethin" when he kisses you and is crazy about you too; but you should DEMAND it! Take it one day at a time, find another man to put into the dating rotation (you know those dumb dating books say have a pair & a spare in the dating world so you're never without a date).
On the other hand (here I'll totally contradict myself) it could be that things are coming along so swimmingly that you are in a self-created drama from which you have conjured up all sorts of imaginary situations -- all ending up with you bolting through the doors frantically distancing yourself from whatever it is that you see in him. Don't bolt. Stick around for the adventure - have a great time - and remember that you are in control. It's your heart, you control the freqencies of it...
So... NML... put on your big girl panties and get back in the game! Keep TC around, but DATE him for godsakes... while you're DATING others too... I'm starting to think that immediate mutual exclusivity is a key to disaster -- how do you know what the weights and measures are if you only have your prior experience to draw from -- and obviously those didn't work out -- so time to learn from the past & have some fun while you're at it....
All I can say is this:
Concentrate on how you feel, not how he feels. This is about you, right? Women often fall into the trap of liking a man more and more just because his intentions aren't clear. (Men rarely appear to do this.) The cliche 'easy come easy go' is a cliche for a reason. Make him work a bit harder. Treat him like a 'date' and see someone else on the side. You might even meet someone nicer and simpler.
Hey, it never worked for me, but what the hell, it's my two-penny-worth!
Take care honey.
Not a bad idea to turn the tables around and have some other guys to consider in the meantime. Unless you're implicitly assuming you're exclusive?
Serial Loser - No problem and on your last comment you made a lot of sense all over again! I've decided to see how it goes and keep on doing my own thing. This girl is not going to sell herself short and definitely won't be losing sleep over this whole thing with TC either! Good luck too x
K - There's a lot to be said for thinking like a man. Since I decided to put TC to the back of my mind and get on with things I've felt great - out of sight, out of mind eh? If I come across someone else to date (lets be fair now, it took me long enough to meet someone like TC that I'd date in the first place!) I will definitely date them. I like TC and I'll see how it goes, but I intend to give it as much energy that he does and right now, he doesn't require a huge amount of it. And yes it is all too easy to conjure up all sorts of stuff but I'm not bolting and I'm going to try not to overdo it on the drama front. You give very good advice and your lesson has been seriously noted - Only thing though, I don't do big panties, but I do thongs and the little boxer things ;-)
The Daily Sketch - Hello! I love a visit from you! Gosh we are doing a spot of mirroring! I'm learning this whole patience thing and underneath, it's not that bad really! I need to take it easy and I'm not going to throw all my toys out of the pram. I think your last line was perfect. Gosh, my pals *do* seem very wise on relationships all of sudden!
Spacesilver - Hello! Welcome. It's all about me and when I put it back on myself it does seem to be a lot easier. It's not up to me to make excuses for TC and I need to go easy on the psychoanalysis of him. I would love to meet an uncomplicated guy. Do they exist? You take care and I'll be visiting you!
DD - Helllo! I refuse to assume anything. I think it's time for me to be dating American style. Bring it on!
Now the theme from Love, American Style is playing in my head.
Oh well, as usual a lot has been said while I've been 'busy' over the weekend.
I'm not sure if it's a case of me 'not being qualified' to say anything about this, or in fact that I am 'more than qualified'.
Either way I'm not gonna add anything here except to say I really feel for you being on the 'opposite' side of proverbial coin.
If you feel in need of a virtual hug then gimme a shout.
Take care x
7 responses to Hypothetical behavioral Changes That Could Make You more Wifey 1. You can talk all you want. As long as you don't require a response every time, or if the game is on. 2. Gotta agree without on this one. Girls should not have the potty mouth. Guys either. Its lazy ugly language. Dazzle us with something other than a penchant for vulgarisms. 3. Fashion is always important. You should make yourself as hot as possible all of the time. CFM Boots get you past the second, third and fourth year itch. 4. If we all wanted virgins we would hang out near high schools, I think most men enjoy a woman who are learned. And the ones that don't get locked up for being pervs anyway. 5. Don't worry about the cooking. Men are quite handy in the kitchen. Maybe some pies every now and again would be nice. 6. If you took the clothes out of the dryer as soon as they were done, instead of letting them get all wrinkly in a clothes ball, then you wouldn't have to iron. 7. It's always the ones who go on about being "strong" that turn out to be the biggest babies! There hiding something behind that front!
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