When Should A Guy Call?
The Contender got back yesterday from his few days away on the stag weekend (bachelor weekend for Americans) and I half expected to hear from him today. Now for all of those who've told me to be chilled, I am being, but my thinking about whether he should call had me pondering a few things.
How often am I supposed to be hearing from The Contender? Should I be annoyed if I don't hear from him for days at a time? If a guy is genuinely interested in you, doesn't he want to have regular contact?
It is at the back of my mind that he may call me before the evening is out, which will make me look like a right dick, but the beauty of having this blog is that I can offload my thoughts and ask for an opinion.
I don't want a guy who is so full on that I don't have a moment to breathe, but I'm at a stage in my life where I haven't got time for this playing games bullshit, and I want to know that he is interested. If he's not, he needs to speak up so that I can decide whether I want to be around. Much as I like The Contender, I don't want to be the woman he is passing time with after his big relationship, and then when he's done passing time and had a 'break', he'll skip on over to a new woman. Also, whilst I appreciate that he's only a few months out of his last relationship and still sorting out the house stuff, what about what I need and what I want? Is it all about him?
I'm not one for waiting by the phone. I'm not one of these women that will pace waiting for a phone call, and I certainly won't lose sleep over it. What would be the point? I must be missing something in my genes because I can't be arsed. It helps that I have had a whopper of a headache (I had a sneaky Hershey's Kiss courtesy of my US trip which seems to have kicked off this headache) so I came home early and have been dozing in and out of the drivel that is on TV. Until I started writing this post, I swear I hadn't given the whole phonecall thing a huge amount of thought, but at least I have let them out, so I won't be dwelling on them.
Am I being a bitch? Jaysus, this relationship mallarky sure is hard work, and that's just when I'm on my own thinking about it!
I just got off the phone from my boy Soho Knight who entertained me for 45 minutes about life out in Dubai. It sounds so cool and he also sounds like a right tart, but hey, he's enjoying himself!
One of my colleagues came into visit with her gorgeous month old baby. I was the first to hold her and I had the piss taken out of me by the guys as they think I'm really maternal and a hit with babies. I think I have shattered their arse-kicking, computer game playing, naughty swear words using, f*ck-me-boots wearing illusion of me. I vow when I have gotten over this hideous headache to bring them crashing back to reality!
Must go...........the pain is creeping back.
How often am I supposed to be hearing from The Contender? Should I be annoyed if I don't hear from him for days at a time? If a guy is genuinely interested in you, doesn't he want to have regular contact?
It is at the back of my mind that he may call me before the evening is out, which will make me look like a right dick, but the beauty of having this blog is that I can offload my thoughts and ask for an opinion.
I don't want a guy who is so full on that I don't have a moment to breathe, but I'm at a stage in my life where I haven't got time for this playing games bullshit, and I want to know that he is interested. If he's not, he needs to speak up so that I can decide whether I want to be around. Much as I like The Contender, I don't want to be the woman he is passing time with after his big relationship, and then when he's done passing time and had a 'break', he'll skip on over to a new woman. Also, whilst I appreciate that he's only a few months out of his last relationship and still sorting out the house stuff, what about what I need and what I want? Is it all about him?
I'm not one for waiting by the phone. I'm not one of these women that will pace waiting for a phone call, and I certainly won't lose sleep over it. What would be the point? I must be missing something in my genes because I can't be arsed. It helps that I have had a whopper of a headache (I had a sneaky Hershey's Kiss courtesy of my US trip which seems to have kicked off this headache) so I came home early and have been dozing in and out of the drivel that is on TV. Until I started writing this post, I swear I hadn't given the whole phonecall thing a huge amount of thought, but at least I have let them out, so I won't be dwelling on them.
Am I being a bitch? Jaysus, this relationship mallarky sure is hard work, and that's just when I'm on my own thinking about it!
I just got off the phone from my boy Soho Knight who entertained me for 45 minutes about life out in Dubai. It sounds so cool and he also sounds like a right tart, but hey, he's enjoying himself!
One of my colleagues came into visit with her gorgeous month old baby. I was the first to hold her and I had the piss taken out of me by the guys as they think I'm really maternal and a hit with babies. I think I have shattered their arse-kicking, computer game playing, naughty swear words using, f*ck-me-boots wearing illusion of me. I vow when I have gotten over this hideous headache to bring them crashing back to reality!
Must go...........the pain is creeping back.
19 Comments:
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Speaking for my people...
If I were genuinely interested in a woman and I'd just been away for three days I would at least text to say hi.
There may be extenuating circumstances of course, and I'm sure this ain't what you want to hear...but I'm nothing if not blunt.
Course, he may have called/texted by now, in which case it's now me that looks "like a right dick". :o)
But what the hell, it's not the first time and won't be the last.
I think you should call late tomorrow night, ask him how he's voting, then arrange a meet for Wednesday next week. If he makes an excuse - say goodbye. If he agrees, don't speak to him till then and judge the night exclusively on it's merits. I think he should be more keen - but give him a last chance. ;-)
I'd like to point out that you haven't been sitting around waiting for him, which is very good.
There are no rules about when he should call or how often. If this is bothering you, call him. If not, wait. My rule: no stewing.
About the "rebound" (aka passing time) business--no rules about that either, but it's a really good reason to go nice and slow.
However - also speaking for my people....
Try to remember that, in general, men are dorks. Most of us pretty much have not the first foggiest idea about women and if there is a way to fuck it up with a woman we like, we will find it.
He may think that what he is doing is "trying not to crowd you" and "trying not to scare you off by being too intense".
If this is the case, all is not lost. Remember that, in terms of relationships, men are like dogs, enthusiastic but not very bright. You may simply need to thwack him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
In my manual, it states there is a sliding scale as to the requirements of the phone converstaion timing frequency (f) and duration (d).
These requirements are based on two or possibly much more, key pieces of data.
x= How long the realtionship has been under way.
y= How much actually nookie has been given.
z =How long since last commmunication.
So your answer to when he is allowed to call is found simply in the equation
x/y * 1(z+2y) = f(x + d)
Blug completely lost me with that equation... I used to be so good at math, too!
I'm inclined to agree with Alan. Given the events of the past few weeks, my gut says the contender does like you but is trying not to crowd you or come on too strong.
Ideally, of course, he'd have called or texted to say 'hey' the day after he got back, but you never know what's going on - maybe he's swamped at work and trying ot catch up or his mom is sick and needs him to bring her medicine or gawd knows what. No reason you shouldn't call him if you want to chat...
Or, even just send over a quick text msg and see what you get? No harm no foul?
commenting as i read along your post... how quickly he calls when he returns is an indication of how much he feels... but it's okay if he settles down for most of a day before calling... are any of us actually waiting by the phone? we're all fretting just a little underneath it because, well, lesser women like myself consider it validation the sooner he calls... i don't entirely see why you should worry he will get out of rebound and leave you if he's with you, could just be me being myopic.
I don't think there's a hard and fast rule to when a person should call, especially when he's broken through that first level and you two are in that dating phase.
The way I see it, guys who approach the whole thing naturally will call if he's got something excited to talk about, misses you in particular, or just plain likes to have your company.
He won't call if he's particularly busy, has nothing to say, or is aware of your space and wants to respect it so you can continue living your own life independent of the whole dating relationship.
And since you two aren't an 'item' yet, it'd be kind of presumptious on his part to expect to be able to hog all your time, because, well, you're a person who's in demand by the masses of London!
And also, there's nothing worse than an eager beaver who suffocates you and crowds your time and assumes you've got nothing better to do than spend time with him all day. Giving that space ironically makes that person think of you more and want to spend time with you...
It's nice to want that immediate gratification of a call, and after getting back from a trip, he probably ought to be calling to let you know how he's been, but without knowing how stacked his schedule is, I can't say if he's messing up or not - a quick phone call to at least let you know how he's doing and seeing how you are wouldn't hurt though. In my shoes I'd at least call and say hi to tell you I was thinking of you, but I'm so going crazy with my schedule that I can't spend as much time as I'd like - make some plans to see each other later in the week - then run off again.
God NML, the thing I've learned is that you never know when a guy's gonna call.
Hell, I don't even think they know.
Fingers crossed tho....
x
DD's last para says it all.
The comments here are better than a full page of 'Dear Deirdre'.
My thoughts....he will contact when HE wants to. It's not an indication of how he feels about you He's probably waiting for something from you, but who knows?
However it goes...good luck NML.
Hi there...
It's funny you write this post because I just got done holding a workshop here in NYC called "How to Tell and What to Do If They're Just Not That Into You." I also have ben having rather heated activity on my blog coincerning a post I wrote about that very book.
I know this might sound irregular coming from a woman, but I'd give him til the end of the week or so to call, but only if it's very very early in the relationship. Say a few weeks or less than 2 months. Guys really have NO IDEA that we sit and think about why a guy hasn't called us. They genuinely have no idea that it's an issue. Sure, they hear it from friends, see it on TV...but when they're actually in that situation they're a bit...ummm...clueless. The only way they'll know is if we tell them.
(no offense, guys.)
If he hasn't called yet and you want answers (which you have a right to have) then simply call him and ask. Usually, when we get all "Why hasn't he called?" it's because we're feeling insecure about something to do with the relationship. Maybe it's your instinct telling you that this guy isn't really ready/interested in getting heavily involved? Whatever it is, your gut is telling you something. Listen to it. And then call him and tell him the truth. "Usually when I'm just getting to know someone I hear from them a bit more consistently. When I don't I wonder if there is something's up. Are you just not a "phone guy" or have you been busy with work?"
You don't need to say "I expected you to call me because ....." That comes out confrontational. But if you say it in a way that makes it clear that you're just trying to figure out boundaries/expectations , then he'll probably appreciate that you're asking him this sort of question and showing interest in what works for him.
Yes, you end up sounding vulnerable...but that's a lot different from sounding clingy and whiny. But being vulnerable is necessary when you're in a relationship.
Hope it works out!
Moxie
sexandmoxie.blogspot.com
SexandMoxie is a bloke. That post was depressingly accurate. I definitely suffer from 'phone blindness'. With us, out of sight is on the periphery of mind. I think we're really all gay. Or don't care. Sex on demand and food, that'll do.
The Contender got back yesterday from his few days away on the stag weekend (bachelor weekend for Americans)
I don't think the stag part would throw us off; I'm an American, and I frequently hear "stag party" in place of "bachelor party." That's where we'd get a little confused, though--even when the outing lasts multiple days, it's still a "stag party" to us, not a stag weekend. In my neck of the woods, anywho...
I don't know about the calling thing; there's an idea that's somehow gotten into many of our heads that calling too soon or too often makes us look desperate and clingy. Do we want regular contact if we're interested? Sure--but if you're a guy and you've ever driven off someone who started out totally into you by smothering her (and a lot of us have at one point or another), you might be a bit gunshy. Or phoneshy. Whatever.
Hope your head feels better soon.
Right...{breaks out in a sweat and starts typing!}
Serial Loser - Hello!I love that 'speaking for my people'. Very funny! I think he should have text but for whatever reason he didn't and I'll be keeping a beady eye on him. You're not a dick at all!
Geokker - Hello! I do love your visits! I think he should be more keen but what the hell do I know? He's keen when he hasn't got other stuff on the go and it will be interesting to see how long this lasts for....I am giving him another 'chance' though.
Jamy - I do like your advice. You're absolutely right re the 'no stewing'. Once I got my boot up the arse from all of you and B, I stopped the stewing and started enjoying.
Alan - I see you're also speaking for your people ;-) You're so right about men but it drives me insane. I know all of this but you'd think he'd cop on! I'm sure he is interested in me but the boys got a lot of shit going on. I think this will be a patience game....newspaper at the ready ;-)
Blug - Jaysus I got lost with that formula! When I'm a little less weary I will try to make sense of it! Nice to have your visit by the way. Shame about the site dying. You were certainly very entertaining!
Zee - Hello! I emailed you my friend! You too are also right and I will behave myself and cut him some slack. Can I blame my hormones? xx
Wyn - You always have good comments! I think I'm getting my knickers in a twist and I need to take a chill pill. I am going to give him the space to sort himself. Screw waiting by the phone. That is guaranteed to drive me nuts! I don't think I'm rebound but it made my paranoia better when I thought it ;-)
DD - Hellllo soon to be birthday boy! If only TC could be like you
;-) He has a lot of stuff going on but I would like him to make a little additional time for the occasional bit of small stuff. A text would suffice! I'll see how things go. It's weird because when I'm with him and when we talk or converse by email it's brilliant. Admittedly there was a 2 week gap between us seeing each other due to our respective trips which may explain my paranoia.....glad your back by the way! x
PPQ - Hello! Long time my old friend! Hilarious and eerily true. At times like yesterday, I wish I was a guy because I wouldn't have given a shit! x
Serial Loser - Isn't DD great? {swoon} ;-)
Bedshaped - I am chuckling too myself at your comment. Witty and humourous as ever Bedshaped! I think you went a little round in circles there but I get the gist. There's no definitive answer is what you're saying......
Sexandmoxie - Welcome! If you've read the next post, i very fortunately didn't have to wait until the end of the week! Maybe I jumped the hormonal gun again....
I like your advice on the approach especially re the confrontational stuff because that never works with a man no matter what the subject. They just close up and think you're their mother or their ex! I will check out your blog and thank you for your lovely advice x
Geokker - She's not a bloke, she's spelling out the obvious in neon lights. It's stuff we all know but don't necessarily acknowledge or follow. I've understood and used the confrontational rule for a long time. And yes, with men it really is a case of out of sight,out of mind!
Scott - Great blog by the way. excuse my over explanation of the stag party thing....;-) I can't believe how there are so many guys out there that are afraid of smothering a woman. Have I stumbled across a phenomenon?!
Hey, I'm always skulking round your joint y'know?
Recently it's been hard to get a decent connection at work so I can read but not leave comments...x
Glad to help! Hello, all! I'd love to hear more from you guys, especially since my BF is a Scot transplanted from London to here in NYC. Any advic eon how to andle a Scotsmen? (Oh...and don't worry, if you read my last blog entry that was fairly racy, you'll see I know how to handle him "in that way."
Love this blog! Keep it up!
Hey there,
So I random came by your blogger -- and I have to say that I totally know where you are coming from! How soon is too soon? Are they interested? Or are they just playing. Well spoken girl!
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