My 28th - TC & The Lump
My 28th birthday was spent at work with my nutty colleagues, that naturally made crass jokes about my age, being single, whether I would get laid that night, and if I was petrified that I would die alone in my flat and be found 2 weeks later being feasted on by Alsatians. I went out for drinks at lunch and got a lovely voucher after being sung to very tunelessly. The day was going so well...... And then I found the lump.
Birthdays for me tend to be remembered for me flashing breast (accidentally), me getting really drunk surrounded by my friends, and usually there's a man in there annoying the shit out of me. Almost all of those things have been done this year although The Contender (TC) didn't annoy the shit out of me.
However, my 28th birthday will be remembered as the one where I was flinching from the nagging pain in my neck (had it for 10 days at that point) and rubbed my neck, only to stumble across the tell tales signs of my sarcoidosis potentially flaring up. A small horrible feeling lump is in the left side of my neck and it's the reason that my neck has been hurting and why I have been flinching when I move my head. I popped upstairs and asked B to discreetly check for me and the look on her face when I placed her finger there gave me the answer that I needed.
I didn't let it ruin my day, far from it, but it did linger in the back of my mind and I was afraid that I would blurt it out to TC. I talked with Male Best Friend (MBF) and he wished me a happy birthday and told me not to panic and to enjoy my night.
TC and I ended up going for dinner in one of our favorite local haunts, up the road in Queens Park. The waiter recognised us (I think he thinks I'm nuts hence I have stuck in his memory) and he made a fuss of my birthday and I got sung to for the second time that day. TC and I chatted, ate and drank for hours and we had a really good night. For those that remember, I made a wisecrack 'Well I guess I'll see you in 3 months!' to him when he was saying goodbye last Sunday. When TC asked me out for my birthday, he made a crass comment about proving that it wouldn't be 3 months and at dinner, I pointed out that it wasn't a very nice way to ask me out. He agreed and told me that he had regretted saying it because he had genuinely wanted to take me out for my birthday and had been thinking about it prior to my own wisecrack.
As the night progressed I realised that having a 'conversation' on my birthday may not be the best of times, and I wasn't sure what I wanted out of it. I don't know if I want to actually do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing with him. I think I've wanted it because I felt like I should be asking for it.
We walked home laughing and chatting and picking out the houses that we like the best on our favorite road. It was straight to bed when we got back and we were half dozing within minutes. And then I said it.
NML: TC, I'm going to ask you something and please try not to take offence.
TC: OK.......
NML:You know when you do your disappearing acts?
TC: What disappearing acts? I never disappear. (Pinches me in my side and pulls me in tighter to him)
NML: Anyway........when you go on your disappearing acts, are you disappearing with someone else?
TC: Huh?
NML: Let me cut through the fluff: when I don't see you for long periods of time, are you with someone else? Are you seeing someone else? Are you sleeping with somebody?
TC: Bloody hell no. I'm only with you.
NML: I hope you can understand why I asked and not take offence.
TC: You have every right to ask and I understand why you did. Do I disappear?
NML: Do you live in a bubble? Yes of course you friggin disappear!
TC: You're such a cheeky cow! (He starts to tickle me and I jab him in the nuts and the night ends very nicely!)
It is very clear that I am expending a lot of energy on something that TC doesn't even recognise as being odd. I did a quick straw poll with some of my female friends and they all complain of the same thing. We spend God knows how much time thinking about what we think our guys are doing and the bloody goons don't have a clue that they're even pissing you off in the first place! I recognised from TC's genuine bewilderment that he didn't have a clue what I meant by disappearances and totally didn't see it through my eyes until I pointed it out. At that moment I had clarity and I stopped thinking about what the hell is going on with TC and I.
What's very clear is that I don't know what I want. I like him, I really do and I have a good time with him but before I go telling him that I want a proper relationship out of him and getting him to jump to my beat, I have suggested to myself that I decide if that's what I want first. I am also worried that TC is a bit of a rebound from having my heart broken by MBF. I'm not entirely sure though and I hope that I'll stumble over the answers that I need soon.
I went out last night with my friend M from my holiday in Egypt. We went to a club which I won't put a foot inside again as the guys were too aggressive with their attentions. I'm the type of woman that when I say no, I mean exactly that, not come back and try your bloody luck a while later. I had 2 guys practically stalking me and I found their behavior more than a little disturbing. Stalker 1 was following me wherever I moved to, then dancing in front of me and forcing me back into the wall. Everywhere we moved, he turned up a while later. I refrained from telling him to get lost as I suspected that it would not help, but I saw somebody say something to him and he stopped after that. Stalker 2 kept asking me to dance. When I refused he would dance in front of me and then try to grind me. I told him I didn't want to dance with him 6 times and he still came back again. 'Seriously. I.Don't.Want.To.Dance.With.You.' He looked at me blankly and still tried to dance and then I said 'F*ck off before my big black beefy boyfriend comes in here and kicks the shit out of you.' Job done.
I'm not going out tonight. My body feels woeful and I have no energy despite loads of sleep. I went out for a few hours to do some sale shopping and brought some lovely kitchen stuff that had been rather expensive but reduced significantly. Still no toilet seat though.... I went to buy on yesterday and came home with 3 pairs of shoes........whoops!
My whole body is hurting so instead of ploughing on and going out, I'm chilling out and having a rest. I'm out with my brother for some posh nosh tomorrow night and after being out every night this week, it's not a bad thing to be in tonight. I'm struggling to walk without it hurting a lot and I'm sure I have a lump in my bum as I've got the same jabbing pains there too. I think I'm going to try and come up with some ways to create more awareness about sarcoidosis. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know. I am fine though and I'm not worrying as that doesn't help. There will be no more steroids for me and I'll be seeking alternative therapy.
Right, I must concentrate on watching Big Brother. Speaking of which, I am in the final of Big Blogger (this is my most recent post) so if you have been following, be sure to put your vote in to support your person of choice. I'm inclined to believe that Vit will win, but it would also be nice to see one of my bezzy blog mates win - Alan. I haven't a hope in hell of winning as it's a game for far more popular bloggers but it has been a bit of fun for me to take part in.
I hope you're all having a fabulous weekend and thank you all for your lovely greetings in the comments box and emails.
*Editors Note - I have updated my About Page which includes my cast of characters!
Birthdays for me tend to be remembered for me flashing breast (accidentally), me getting really drunk surrounded by my friends, and usually there's a man in there annoying the shit out of me. Almost all of those things have been done this year although The Contender (TC) didn't annoy the shit out of me.
However, my 28th birthday will be remembered as the one where I was flinching from the nagging pain in my neck (had it for 10 days at that point) and rubbed my neck, only to stumble across the tell tales signs of my sarcoidosis potentially flaring up. A small horrible feeling lump is in the left side of my neck and it's the reason that my neck has been hurting and why I have been flinching when I move my head. I popped upstairs and asked B to discreetly check for me and the look on her face when I placed her finger there gave me the answer that I needed.
I didn't let it ruin my day, far from it, but it did linger in the back of my mind and I was afraid that I would blurt it out to TC. I talked with Male Best Friend (MBF) and he wished me a happy birthday and told me not to panic and to enjoy my night.
TC and I ended up going for dinner in one of our favorite local haunts, up the road in Queens Park. The waiter recognised us (I think he thinks I'm nuts hence I have stuck in his memory) and he made a fuss of my birthday and I got sung to for the second time that day. TC and I chatted, ate and drank for hours and we had a really good night. For those that remember, I made a wisecrack 'Well I guess I'll see you in 3 months!' to him when he was saying goodbye last Sunday. When TC asked me out for my birthday, he made a crass comment about proving that it wouldn't be 3 months and at dinner, I pointed out that it wasn't a very nice way to ask me out. He agreed and told me that he had regretted saying it because he had genuinely wanted to take me out for my birthday and had been thinking about it prior to my own wisecrack.
As the night progressed I realised that having a 'conversation' on my birthday may not be the best of times, and I wasn't sure what I wanted out of it. I don't know if I want to actually do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing with him. I think I've wanted it because I felt like I should be asking for it.
We walked home laughing and chatting and picking out the houses that we like the best on our favorite road. It was straight to bed when we got back and we were half dozing within minutes. And then I said it.
NML: TC, I'm going to ask you something and please try not to take offence.
TC: OK.......
NML:You know when you do your disappearing acts?
TC: What disappearing acts? I never disappear. (Pinches me in my side and pulls me in tighter to him)
NML: Anyway........when you go on your disappearing acts, are you disappearing with someone else?
TC: Huh?
NML: Let me cut through the fluff: when I don't see you for long periods of time, are you with someone else? Are you seeing someone else? Are you sleeping with somebody?
TC: Bloody hell no. I'm only with you.
NML: I hope you can understand why I asked and not take offence.
TC: You have every right to ask and I understand why you did. Do I disappear?
NML: Do you live in a bubble? Yes of course you friggin disappear!
TC: You're such a cheeky cow! (He starts to tickle me and I jab him in the nuts and the night ends very nicely!)
It is very clear that I am expending a lot of energy on something that TC doesn't even recognise as being odd. I did a quick straw poll with some of my female friends and they all complain of the same thing. We spend God knows how much time thinking about what we think our guys are doing and the bloody goons don't have a clue that they're even pissing you off in the first place! I recognised from TC's genuine bewilderment that he didn't have a clue what I meant by disappearances and totally didn't see it through my eyes until I pointed it out. At that moment I had clarity and I stopped thinking about what the hell is going on with TC and I.
What's very clear is that I don't know what I want. I like him, I really do and I have a good time with him but before I go telling him that I want a proper relationship out of him and getting him to jump to my beat, I have suggested to myself that I decide if that's what I want first. I am also worried that TC is a bit of a rebound from having my heart broken by MBF. I'm not entirely sure though and I hope that I'll stumble over the answers that I need soon.
I went out last night with my friend M from my holiday in Egypt. We went to a club which I won't put a foot inside again as the guys were too aggressive with their attentions. I'm the type of woman that when I say no, I mean exactly that, not come back and try your bloody luck a while later. I had 2 guys practically stalking me and I found their behavior more than a little disturbing. Stalker 1 was following me wherever I moved to, then dancing in front of me and forcing me back into the wall. Everywhere we moved, he turned up a while later. I refrained from telling him to get lost as I suspected that it would not help, but I saw somebody say something to him and he stopped after that. Stalker 2 kept asking me to dance. When I refused he would dance in front of me and then try to grind me. I told him I didn't want to dance with him 6 times and he still came back again. 'Seriously. I.Don't.Want.To.Dance.With.You.' He looked at me blankly and still tried to dance and then I said 'F*ck off before my big black beefy boyfriend comes in here and kicks the shit out of you.' Job done.
I'm not going out tonight. My body feels woeful and I have no energy despite loads of sleep. I went out for a few hours to do some sale shopping and brought some lovely kitchen stuff that had been rather expensive but reduced significantly. Still no toilet seat though.... I went to buy on yesterday and came home with 3 pairs of shoes........whoops!
My whole body is hurting so instead of ploughing on and going out, I'm chilling out and having a rest. I'm out with my brother for some posh nosh tomorrow night and after being out every night this week, it's not a bad thing to be in tonight. I'm struggling to walk without it hurting a lot and I'm sure I have a lump in my bum as I've got the same jabbing pains there too. I think I'm going to try and come up with some ways to create more awareness about sarcoidosis. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know. I am fine though and I'm not worrying as that doesn't help. There will be no more steroids for me and I'll be seeking alternative therapy.
Right, I must concentrate on watching Big Brother. Speaking of which, I am in the final of Big Blogger (this is my most recent post) so if you have been following, be sure to put your vote in to support your person of choice. I'm inclined to believe that Vit will win, but it would also be nice to see one of my bezzy blog mates win - Alan. I haven't a hope in hell of winning as it's a game for far more popular bloggers but it has been a bit of fun for me to take part in.
I hope you're all having a fabulous weekend and thank you all for your lovely greetings in the comments box and emails.
*Editors Note - I have updated my About Page which includes my cast of characters!
23 Comments:
Omg, NML, I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing okay. :( Get plenty of rest and take care of yourself. Well done with TC, I was a little worried about "a talk" on your birthday, but I'm glad it all worked out for the best. Sometimes guys really just are completely clueless. We girls need to learn to think less and just go with the flow (though it's hard). And congrats on finally getting that creepy guy away with that one-liner about the boyfriend. Hilarious.
I hope you're doing better. My thoughts and prayers are with you...Happy Birthday, again. :)
Oh, gosh NML... sorry you had to find a lump on your birthday, of all days! I'll keep sending you positive thoughts and hopefully the alternative therapy will help??
Talk about a rollercoaster... down, then up, then down, then up and then it all sort of evens out... doesn't it?
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles- but am sending good vibes and positive thoughts your way.
Sounds like TC could surprise you huh?
I don't like this lump business one bit. I hope you feel better. Take care of yourself.
Were you really worried that TC was seeing someone else? I could've told you he wasn't! But he needs to get his head in the game. I like that when you call him on things he acts on it--calls you, makes an effort, etc. But he needs to do that on his own, you can't be whacking him over the head all the time.
You know I'm in the worrying and waiting boat with you, but I'm trying to jump ship. Luckily, we both know how to swim.
(((((((((NML))))))))
Hope you are ok sweets.
*hugs*
it's a crock of shit sometimes.
keep smiling and working it, love.
NML~
Good luck with it all. I will send positive vibes your way.
Thank you for sharing everything you did, it is so comforting as a woman to know that other women go through the same stuff. the "talk" has been had quite a few times in my very recent history. thank you.
Happy happy 28th birthday! Great year for women!
Happy Birthday NML!
I think you are right about TC. If you aren't even sure what you want from him then i'd hold off on the big conversation.
He may surprise you and want more from you than you do from him. You never can tell with men, they're odd creatures.
I am very sorry.
Does this mean you might have to go back on steroids?
I am sending many many positive thoughts to you and images that those little/big bumps go away.
And shame on me for failing to mention you on one of my posts. I went back and corrected it, sweetie. (There was a lot of my mind when I was writing that post.)
Gah. And just when you thought things were going to be all right for a while. Sorry to hear this, NML. Wishing you all the best.
As for TC...
Sure, guys can be gormless when it comes to realising that their actions can hurt us. And a lot of guys can be thoughtless even when they really care about someone. Just enjoy your time with him - everything else will be taken care of over time :)
happy birthday!
i'm sorry to hear about a reappearance of sarcoidosis and i hope it is milder than what you've experienced before.
i think you're right about thinking about what you want from TC before proposing stuff. 3 (or 4 months) is still young and within limits of allowing things to be defined. maybe 6 months would be the upper limit but no one should ever put some stupid generic timeline to you guys. i think the most sensible actions conceivable taken in the course of events is more important than when they occurred... i.e., not doing something impulsively that is regretted later.
Hope u feeling much better sweety,sorry it had to worry u again on ur birthday,wen it cums to guys they jus hav tis dont care attitude abt wat they do in their spare time,while we girls sit around and wonder wat they doing and who they doing it with,theyr very insenstive and think its no big deal.wish we could adopt that dont care attitude.
ooooooooooooooooooops a bit late
Happy birthday, belatedly and apologetically.
Hey NML, sorry to hear about your lump. I completely sympathize with you. I've been living with a chronic auto-immune disease for years & it sucks!
What a pity! Sorry to hear about your lump sweety. Seems you tried to have a lovely time regardless. Kathleen
I call bullshit.
Not on you, On the TC of course.
I'm not buying this whole innocent "who me? pinch jab tickle act" (or the WMPJTA as we call it in the states.)
He honestly thinks, that if he makes you think - that he thinks - that he is not all being a playa with a WMPJTA that makes it not true? I think not.
And with all that thinking and jabbing it sounds to me like someone's been watching too many Vince Vaughn movies.
That's why you need to make sure your man has some good female friends (who are totally no threat to stealing your man) who will coach him on paying attention on the finer things in a relationship. haha. Maybe even a gay friend or two to make sure he has good fashion advice. haha.
gad damn! do rest up and take it easy some.. btw so so def remix of Dru Hill on the ipod - sucha tuuune!
What a horrid birthday present.. to find a lump! I'm so sorry, and hope you recover quickly! As for your talk with TC.. good for you for having the guts to bring it up.. that is sometimes the hardest part. As for his answer.. I suppose it was to be expected. I honestly still think you deserve more - as in a guy that is AROUND more often, supportive of you, and not 'dissapearing' for long periods of time. You deserve better. Just my two cents.
Thinking and dating don't seem to go well together, do they? ;) Glad to hear he's taking everything so well. And I'm sorry to hear about the lump. Recently, Ava had some issues and she saw an Iridologist that uncovered some very interesting things that doctors never saw. Maybe that path might help a bit?
LYDT - I knew what you meant and it's good to know that you have my back. In that moment it all became so clear that I'm giving this whole thing more of my energy brainwise than it deserves. I've barely given his antics a second thought although I have bigger fish to fry now...thanks for the support.
Zee - I hope so too. I'm going to do some research and once I have accessed the options, I will definitely try one.
K - I love your comments. I'm taking in those good vibes and as for TC, well, who knows. He is the least of my worries!
Jamy - I could feel your outrage in that comment. You are so right about TC and ALL guys that behave in this way. Having to kick the shit out of someone to get him to recognise his behaviour or do stuff is annoying. Lets go swimming!
Vixen - Thank you xxx
Duch - Thank you and I will heed your very wise advice.
Lotus - Hello and welcome! Thank you for your positive vibes and kind words. I hope you're 'talks' went well!
Serendipity - Hello stranger! I think I just want what I think I should want. I'm hoping for divine inspiration ;-)
Torren - The doctors have said that if I get sick again that I will have to go on the steroids but I've decided that I'm not doing it and seeking natural holistic methods of getting better x
Beautiful Face - Thank you darling and don't worry about mentioning me. I know ya like me! :-)
Francesca - Thank you. I think you are right. No stress, just enjoy :-)
Wyn - I love your comments as you have a special way with words. I am caught up in that 'generic timeline' BS and wanting now, now, now when I'm not even sure if he's what I want. I must behave....
Nadz - Thank you. I don't think we have to adopt their attitude but we need to reduce down on ours as it takes up a lot of energy that these guys don't appreciate.
Jonny B - Thank you darling! Lovely to hear from you!
NYM - That makes me feel miles better because I hate the feeling of being on my own even though I know I'm not. I must find out more about how you have coped!
Kathleen - One of the pacts I ,ade with myself when I became ill was that I don't let it rule my life or state of mind. Party on! x
Blug - Hilarious! I did think that it was rather a slick move on his part, not because he is playing with someone else but because it steered me away from the conversation. I must remember the WMPJTA move!
Lee Lee - Good idea. He has no gay friends and I don't think he is as pally with his female friends anymore. Maybe I should dole the advice out as well as being the beneficiary!
Regina - I will! I l*love* that Dru Hill tune. It has had some serious overplay recently!
Audrey - You're right, I do deserve more/better. I think that's why I realised that I didn't actually think that I wanted to be his girlfriend. He would need to do a hell of a lot more for that to happen. Thanks for your wise words.
TDS - Hee hee. No they don't! Thanks for the tip and I will eb checking it out. You mention Ava's name on the regular. Hmmmm... ;-)
Happy 28th Birthday!
And so sorry to hear about the lump(s) - and they sure do pick their bloody moment, like these things tend to - please keep us updated - I know from personal experience that it's easy to smile about mumps or a broken leg, because everyone gets them, but the more unusual a problem is, the more it tends to (very subtly) isolate you. I really respect your positive attitude, it can be hard to face an upset, then plug back into The Smile and carry on being the Birthday Girl - well done.
Regarding The Contender, I still can't decide if I'm in a naive or cynical place about men. I don't think he's seeing someone else but he's not a child either, of course he knows that he disappears! Best case scenario: he's just not making an effort to NOT disappear! I think men hide behind their cluelessness to keep their options open! They propagate the myth of their own cluelessness because it's to the whole gender's advantage! Says the girl dating the man that thinks an hour's travel to see me = long distance relationship! Heehee.
Good luck x x
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home