I Thought I'd Lost My Mojo but I Just Want 'Him' to Be Different
I spent yesterday convinced that I'm crazy, or just seriously f*cked up, but lots of conversations with M have helped me to pinpoint what the hell is bugging me (God she's so patient and wise) and I've also realised that I'm not the only woman to feel like this. Thank f*ck because I was seriously thinking that I'd have to go to Selfridges and have a spot of retail therapy to make myself feel better. Bear with me - I will try to be as coherent as possible.
How is it that I can have a fab date with someone, have great chemistry when he kisses me and then in one moment it switches off and hasn't returned yet? I've lost my f*cking mojo! I met up with him after work, we laughed and chatted as we held hands and walked through the Friday throng to the bowling alley. We were like silly teenagers as we fawned around each other in between bowls and my usual naughty competitive self didn't get upset when he beat me. After getting ripped off (bowling in London is hideously expensive for what you get), we walked around for a bit and then I decided to bite the bullet and invite him back for dinner.
We listened to Jaheim as we tucked into what he described as very good restaurant cooking (I'll make a good wife one day!) and I collected on his win from earlier by beating his arse at Pro Evolution Soccer on my PS2. As an aside I must mention that it is unbelievable the amount of guys that are shocked by me not only liking the PS2 but the fact that I'm good at Pro Evo! Anyway, I digress!
The chemistry was great and as we kissed and canoodled, I thought that things were going brilliantly. I had decided that he could stay over but had made clear about the boundaries and he was perfectly fine saying that he wouldn't want me to do anything I didn't want to do. Unfortunately it was getting into bed where things went completely pearshaped.
I've gone out about how nice, shy and reserved he is, yet in the bedroom he became 'Every Other Guy™' and it was like having an overexcited puppy in the bed. I felt the mojo seeping out of me (not literally). It took three times for me to drum home to him that there was no sex on the menu and then I had gone off the idea of having a '15' rated evening, turned away and accidentally fell asleep! He was all kissy and starting to get overexcited again in the morning, but it didn't make any difference because the mojo hadn't returned. I felt like I shouldn't have brought him home but thought I could because we're supposed to be adults, even though he'd turned into randy teenager.
It only got worse after we got up as he was back to his usual 'nice' self and seemed very comfortable on my sofa. Unfortunately all I could think about was having my place back to myself. I was really antsy for an hour and half and made up a story about having to meet up with my friend. This part wasn't a reflection on him though as I was like this with The Contender. It's not that I don't want to be with someone, but living on my own seems to have made it difficult for me to share my space and I could not get him out the door fast enough.
This is why I think I lost my mojo though: I allowed myself to believe, albeit for a small period of time that it was possible that I had met an all-round nice guy. He is sweet, shy, reserved, makes me laugh and is 'nice' and I had thought that it was going to translate into the bedroom. Maybe I was being naive, but I had thought that I would be romanced and wooed. I wasn't expecting him to morph into 'Every Other Guy™' as his brain, I mean willy got overexcited. Where was my beauty then? Where was my intelligence or the fact that he claims that I make him laugh a lot? I think something just shut down.
What the f*ck is wrong with me? Every other guy who I've been with has tried to shag me so what's the big frickin deal? Why am I being the bitch in heels over this one when all he's done is do what the others do? Because I want someone to be different that's why.
How is it that I can have a fab date with someone, have great chemistry when he kisses me and then in one moment it switches off and hasn't returned yet? I've lost my f*cking mojo! I met up with him after work, we laughed and chatted as we held hands and walked through the Friday throng to the bowling alley. We were like silly teenagers as we fawned around each other in between bowls and my usual naughty competitive self didn't get upset when he beat me. After getting ripped off (bowling in London is hideously expensive for what you get), we walked around for a bit and then I decided to bite the bullet and invite him back for dinner.
We listened to Jaheim as we tucked into what he described as very good restaurant cooking (I'll make a good wife one day!) and I collected on his win from earlier by beating his arse at Pro Evolution Soccer on my PS2. As an aside I must mention that it is unbelievable the amount of guys that are shocked by me not only liking the PS2 but the fact that I'm good at Pro Evo! Anyway, I digress!
The chemistry was great and as we kissed and canoodled, I thought that things were going brilliantly. I had decided that he could stay over but had made clear about the boundaries and he was perfectly fine saying that he wouldn't want me to do anything I didn't want to do. Unfortunately it was getting into bed where things went completely pearshaped.
I've gone out about how nice, shy and reserved he is, yet in the bedroom he became 'Every Other Guy™' and it was like having an overexcited puppy in the bed. I felt the mojo seeping out of me (not literally). It took three times for me to drum home to him that there was no sex on the menu and then I had gone off the idea of having a '15' rated evening, turned away and accidentally fell asleep! He was all kissy and starting to get overexcited again in the morning, but it didn't make any difference because the mojo hadn't returned. I felt like I shouldn't have brought him home but thought I could because we're supposed to be adults, even though he'd turned into randy teenager.
It only got worse after we got up as he was back to his usual 'nice' self and seemed very comfortable on my sofa. Unfortunately all I could think about was having my place back to myself. I was really antsy for an hour and half and made up a story about having to meet up with my friend. This part wasn't a reflection on him though as I was like this with The Contender. It's not that I don't want to be with someone, but living on my own seems to have made it difficult for me to share my space and I could not get him out the door fast enough.
This is why I think I lost my mojo though: I allowed myself to believe, albeit for a small period of time that it was possible that I had met an all-round nice guy. He is sweet, shy, reserved, makes me laugh and is 'nice' and I had thought that it was going to translate into the bedroom. Maybe I was being naive, but I had thought that I would be romanced and wooed. I wasn't expecting him to morph into 'Every Other Guy™' as his brain, I mean willy got overexcited. Where was my beauty then? Where was my intelligence or the fact that he claims that I make him laugh a lot? I think something just shut down.
What the f*ck is wrong with me? Every other guy who I've been with has tried to shag me so what's the big frickin deal? Why am I being the bitch in heels over this one when all he's done is do what the others do? Because I want someone to be different that's why.
18 Comments:
I think nice guys sometimes turn out to be jerks who just barely keep their urges in check. It might be that he figured being a nice guy got him this far and now its ok to turn on the tap on being a jerk. What you want to find is a guy who appears to be a jerk but can be nice. haha maybe they're all back home with their boyfriends. lol
Oh God...They are all alike.
You feel like you do because you were diasppointed. His prior behavior set your expectations, and then he blew it.
I'm wondering if we could manufacture a whole new breed of man. Do you know any geneticists? We should give it a try...
"different" does not always mean better! You need a guy with diverse
personality. A mixture of good boy, bad boy, and a respectful boy!
Last but not least: A chap with an inbreed elegance:-)
My two cent's worth.
Guys will always behave as guys. If you invite the average gent back after a fantastic evening out, the message he is going to get is that there is more on the cards. When you set the boundaries, you literally have to bang it into their Neanderthal heads.
Men are simple folk and see things in simple ways: have fun, invite back, more fun.
Women are not so simple, and while we are great at communication, sometimes we don't speak Dude Lingo: have fun, invite back, limited fun.
I guess I am playing devil's advocate here, but he might still be a nice guy. The main thing is that you are still in control of what happens with him.
Bonne chance !
NML, I have a suspicion this is down to communication. I'm confused about what was intended, and although I wasn't privvy to your conversation with this guy it sounds like he was confused too.
When you start seeing someone, asking them to stay over is fraught with danger if you don't mean stay over. Unless you're absolutely explicit about what you exepct, disaster will always follow.
I also think that there are (potentially) a whole load of other issues when these things happen, but as I haven't had you on my couch (!) I wouldn't dream of going any further with that one.
EEEEEEK!!!!
Any guy you let stay over and are NOT going to sleep with you need to say to him 3 times - "I am NOT going to sleep with you - do you understand???"
If you even let in a hint of a "It might be ok if you keep trying" then they will keep trying.
Men, all men, will always want to have sex with a good looking woman they have had a good night with.
To be honest, if you don't want to give out the "sex might be on offer" vibe, don't let him stay.
Once you have had sex a few times and he is a "boyfriend" then he can stay over and not have sex but until that happens - an offer to stay over is, as far as most men are concerned, an offer to try it on and get some.
He may be a nice guy but he is still a guy - and guys are designed to try it on!
Stop teasing him and let him know 100% whats available. A night out and a kiss then call him a cab and show him the door - but getting into bed with him just lets off the wrong signals.
Oh for goodness sake!
The poor bloke.
You invite him to stay the night you minx and then make him tripod around after the flashing boudoir knickers.
It's Animal Cruelty, that's what it is. ;-)
Hmmm...let me attempt a crappy Miami-psycho-analysis.
You cooked for him, played some PS2 and even offered to share your bed. And in the spirit of full disclosure, you set clear boundaries.
He, in turn, showed a complete lack of respect by trying to jump your bones ala Animal Party.
I can't blame you for shutting down. This is what gets me...Why would he even *try* to get pussy so quickly after being so patient with the 1st kiss? It sounds to me like you're dating a guy that's really good at 'convincing' women to sleep with him. After that, the rest of his game is shot or he hasn't bothered learning how to satisfy a woman's basic non-sexul needs. It's like that movie, Major League where every player is really good at one thing and they suck at everything else. He's gotten really good at being the guy that women sleep with...then the rest goes to shit.
Or is my Miami-psycho-analysis as shitty as always? :)
I dunno. I'm just throwing punches in the dark.
Ok, that last line reminds me of LL Cool J's video "Mama Said Knock You Out!" :P
Ohhhh, that felt painful to read. I've come to the conclusion that a man can't always be held responsible for the behaviour of his willy. I think you can take it that he likes you, though! A compliment of sorts.
They are all the same it is just that some hide it better than others. It is something we just have to come to deal with. Men men men... I wonder what is the point sometimes.
i'm a little confused how much encouragement he received - how cute (you know, enticing) you looked. i'm thinking he was hoping you would rescind on your boundaries. if a guy stays over, i can't see how he won't expect something more to happen unless you're wearing granny flannel pajamas and have separate duvets....
i, too, get disappointed when a guy who seems beyond all that becomes a total teenager.
I have to say I'm confused by this post. You invite a guy back to your place, you get on well and then you go to bed and he (shock horror!) seems to be sexually attracted to you!
You say you want somone 'different', the way you are going on you will get someone different, it's called 'homosexual'! It was you who invited him into your bed, I'm sure he felt at that point that he was allowed to put away comments about your intellect (which I'm sure were quite genunine by the way)and concentrate on more earthly matters.
This is not to get at you but this post has all the signs of someone looking for problems where they do not exist. The fact that other people's comments have not pointed this out is what shocks me the most, you sound like a lovely person but there is a time for honesty and that is certainly now.
Go out with him again, don't build it up and open your mind to the fact that a man can find a woman intellectually stimulating and funny but also want to to have sex with them!!
Good luck (and remember not all men are bad, just different!)
NML, you know you're my girl and everything, but I have to agree with the guys on this one. You invited him INTO your bed. Guys automatically think that that is a green light and they are getting some, logic flies out the window at the sight of that bed.
My solution....they never see my bed, don't even know what it looks like, whether or not I have one etc etc until I'm good and ready to move on the the next stage. Learned that lesson a few years ago from some shoddy wanker and it stuck.
I don't think he was trying to PLAY his way into your knickers, he sounds like a really nice guy to me. However...tread softly.
Anon at 10.35 - I think you'll find I was saying the same thing, or trying to. Strange messages are bound to cause a problem. And if you invite a new "datee" into your bed, don'ty be surprised if they assume it supercedes any earlier comments.
I don't know... women! (Only joking, NML, you're lovely.)
I used to be really into a guy for about 3 dates. Then I'd find something wrong with them and couldn't get away from them fast enough. Do you think it's possible that you lost your Mojo because you afraid of getting close to someone? Maybe you are finding things wrong with him that are not really there. I mean come on...he's a guy, you're a woman, of course he's going to get excited. I bet if he didn't, you'd be questioning whether he was into you or not. Give it a chance....he might just surprise you.
I think networkchic could be right you know, you are used to own space and now you find yourself liking "potential boyfriend" and get a bit scared of your feelings.
With regards to the bedroom business, this is a hard situation for a bloke to read and it is a fine line for you as you like his "niceness" but would soon get fed up if there was no passion aswell.
Incidently I took Wifey bowling on our first date and look where that ended up, 3 kids and a huge mortage:-)
I think you have a wall up... and why wouldn't you?
You have met some really seedy characters, so you keep distance until you know you can trust a person.
That's not a bad thing.
BUT, if you think you can invite a dude into your bed and him act like a proper gentelman, you had better only invite gay guys into your bed, b/c boys aren't like that. I think you should be happy that he finds you sexually attractive and has a hard time keeping his hands off of you.
I guess my point is that he probably is an all around nice guy, but putting him in your bed and saying "no" don't really go together in modern society.
I think, give him a break... and just don't have him over during sleep time, until and unless you are ready to be serious with it....
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