Sometimes, when you don't spell it out in the name of trying to be private and not wanting to sound like a numpty, things come across the wrong way. I've done this post in response to the comments from yesterday, which I must agree were fair and right, even the ones that weren't agreeing with me.
When I said he could stay over and made clear the barriers, what I actually said and meant was, lets have a good time but leave actual penetrative sex off the menu (Jaysus, can't believe I still snicker at he word 'penetrative'). I wasn't naive enough to expect or want us to get into bed and have him give me a few kisses and then fall asleep. I just felt that 'going all the way' didn't have to be on the cards.
The guy went from 0-60 metaphorically speaking in about 1 minute flat. There was no finesse, and it seemed that in his 31 years someone, including his ex, had neglected to mention that that FOREPLAY is needed in order for a women to get turned on. There may be women that go all moist at the sight of the male species, but I am not one of them.
Likewise, I don't get turned on by a perfunctory tweak of my nipples, followed by a clumsy jab of the fingers in my bits. If I was a lot younger and inexperienced, I might have let it slip by, but I have bloody standards! I think that I am quite small down there, so it adds insult to injury, when someone who doesn't know the rules of the road tries to hit the jackpot and tries to have sex with me. I was drier than the f*cking Sahara!
Now I know that men are men and it doesn't matter how nice they have been, they get turned on, they like sex, they are controlled by their dicks, but it is not an excuse to put shit foreplay my way, followed by repeated attempts to f*ck me by slivering all over me like an out of control, uncontrolled Kevin The Teenager/excitable puppy.
I don't think that saying we can have a great time minus actual sex is giving mixed signals. I spelled it out in black and white and I really don't believe that everybody who has ever got in a bed with someone they are sexually attracted to, has had sex immediately.
I know he's going to try it and to be fair, most guys would, but to be shit with it as well? Let's be honest: If, and I say if he had actually had some finesse, some technique, some oomph about him and had actually attempted to turn me on, isn't is possible that all boundaries may have gone out the window?
I have spent the past couple of days in Austin Power mode thinking that I had lost my mojo. Seriously. Then I went for lunch with B, had a bitch and we talked about past encounters/attraction, including MBF, and now the mojo is back.
Got a bit worried though when B said 'Well maybe you've just been spoilt by good sex, good foreplay.'
Spoilt? What is the world coming to?????!!!!!
Monday, October 24, 2005
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22 comments:
Okay, that makes much more sense now... thanks, NML! Sounds like he's not much of a shag, though, which is a shame.
Oh, and by the way, not all men are only capable of thinking with their dicks. I (and if necessary, I alone) intend making a stand for the other kind.
Ok NML, this is classic! Yeah, you were a big cryptic in the last post. Thought he was just pushing limits, but turns out that he was shite at "non-penetrative" s*x. Oh hell girl...this is why we have to get them into bed sooner than later. What if you REALLY fell for him & discovered this info? He's either got to shape up & learn some moves, or SHIP OUT!
I shouldn't be laughing, but I am.. maybe because it seems men are are the same the wide world over.. whether you are in Europe or the states! You are not at all 'spoilt' my dear! Never think that. This guy has some serious making up to do.. either that, or looks like you are gonna give him the boot!
euwww. That puts a different slant on things. Maybe you can send him for some intensive sex therapy before you attempt to road-test him properly?
and there is no such thing as being 'spoilt' by good sex and foreplay - I think it's the least of what a girl should expect. :-)
So once again I have to speak up for my people!
First of all, not ALL men are controlled by their dicks. But yes, a significant majority I suppose. However, of those that are, I would say a significant majority also know what the hell to do when it comes to it.
I like to think I do, for one thing. I also like think I'm not controlled by my dick, though I guess that's not my place to say.
What appears to have happened here is that your yet-to-be-named bed pal thought that although you laid down the boundaries you wouldn't be able to resist once he'd touched you.
"A tweak there, a prod here, ah, God, I'm good, now spread em, lady."
If you like. :o)
So...as he is a nice guy out of the sack, you can look on it two ways I think.
1) He ain't worth it. Sex IS an important part of a relationship and he just has no idea.
2) Ooh, a challenge, I can train this one just the way I like it.
Up to you, NML, but the first thing you have to do is tame that undeserved sexual ego without breaking his spirit. Good luck!
"I don't get turned on by a perfunctory tweak of my nipples, followed by a clumsy jab of the fingers in my bits"
Oh well that's my best techiniques out of the window!
I have been engaging in exactly this type of sleepover for many, many years. I completely agree that there is much fun to be had without "non-penetrative sex."
When you have this type of sleepover, about 90% of guys are going to push for sex. It's just a question of how long it will take them to figure out that you really meant no. By letting him sleep in your bed, you are sending mixed signals, no matter where you drew the line before hopping in bed. Being in the bed together changes things. There will be no (or very little) sleeping. There will be continued physical contact of some kind.
This guy was particularly clumsy and that put you off, understandably. Only you can say if you are willing to give him another chance. He may be less clumsy when he is more comfortable with you.
Unsolicited advice: I would tell him that you want to slow things down and that there will be no more sleepovers for the time being. And then stick to it for some number of dates that you choose (2? 3? 1?). It takes some pressure off both of you and you give yourself a chance to like him again. But, if you don't think he's redeemable, well then you know what to do.
Good luck!
Okay, so maybe I should have read this post b/4 I responded to yesterday... but it's okay... you have an extra comment now.
Ya, if he was not doing his part... then shit on him! (not literally)
It's too bad no one has ever taken the time to explain to him how it works. To show him a different method. It's too bad. NOt your problem... but still sad for him.
I don't know what to tell you.
I guess you will have to decide very carefully what you want to do next.
Have you talked to him since?
Oh...it's like I said in my post, there are givers and there are takers. He obviously wanted to take take take, and give nothing. It might have been about sex this time...but come on it says a lot about a guy who isn't into pleasing you as much as he is into pleasing himself. And besides you said NO SEX, no means no.
Well, it could certainly be the case that he's a jerk who doesn't care enough to please you or respect your boundaries but if, as you say, he seems great in many other ways, he could also just be a nervous bumbler who you can whip into shape! Guys like that certainly take more work but they can be worth not throwing aside.
hello NML!
i just found your blog today, and so far i like it! i shall be back!
;)
a guffaw escaped when i read "I don't get turned on by a perfunctory tweak of my nipples, followed by a clumsy jab of the fingers in my bits" that's so classic. =D
though i've yet to try it (thus far have just taken what's been given to me), i believe it is possible to train a guy in this realm. it is in his own interest to make you more comfortable and happy because then you will totally be the part of a s*x goddess he wants to have in bed. when you want to have another sleepover, i think it's worth a try. you will see his underlying intentions in how hard he tries and if when he tries you two are compatible....
NML - Thanks for you comments on my post.
I had a long comment on this, but mistakenly deleted it.
So, a short note instead.
My thinking is that your bed buddy was going off of a 'learned behavior'. That is that, his ex probably allowed this poor excuse for foreplay and he incorrectly assumed that that is the way it always works. Or, that he is simply inexperienced in the true art of foreplay.
You are probably correct that most men think with their dicks (whether they admit it here ir not). However, if a boundary is set, then it is up to the big brain to adhere to that. That being said, I still want to push it as far as possible. And great foreplay could get you there.
Sorry that you had such a bad experience.
ER
Hi NML,
This is a saucy post for you. I'm chuckling at the nipples and bits comments.
Some guys...when are they going to get it??
How old did you say he is? 16 is it? Ok, sorry, you said he is a nice guy.
ROFLOL,Whats up with him ,tel the brother he needs to work on hes game,but seriously there are guys that jus spend the night cuddling n kissing you.
I know there are guys who can sleep in the bed with you and not expect full sex. My first weekend with T I had to let him stay in my bed either that or a highly uncomfortable sofa since he lived 3 hours away by train.
However, I said it wasnt going to happen and he behaved like a gentlemen.
Besides, sharing a bed with someone who is attracted to you doesnt give them the right to "slobber" all over you. I havea good friend who is a lesbian and she has stayed in my bed before. She's made it clear that she likes me and i've made it clear I like men. She turned over and went to sleep which I think goes to show that woman are more capable of taking no for an answer.
I would say though that not all men are the same and that this guy is potentially really nice but just thought he'd push his luck. Who knows perhaps in the past his appaling technique made him hard to say no to??
Stand your ground though. I think you have every right to be able to invite someone into your bed and tell them no sex and expect that rule to abided by.
your best post by a country fucking mile - and I read quality from you daily
I'm chuckling at the nipples and bits comments.
Some guys...when are they going to get it??
Nipples and Bits sounds like a breakfast cereal.
"Nipples and Bits," the new Weetabix?
So, I'm reading that it's his clumsiness in foreplay, rather than the fact that he tried to cross your verbal boundaries, that is the problem. IF you feel that he is worth the time, I think you can pretty much consider him a blank slate and teach him what you expect. Most men are apt pupils when they are positively reinforced for good behavior, and surely orgasms must be the ultimate reward in a token economy...I suspect he has a lot of potential just waiting to be tapped.
WDKY - Well it's good to know that there is at least one of you out there ;-)
NYM - See this is why I don't believe in that whole, wait till you get married thing, because bad sex pr foreplay makes *me* lose my erection!
Audrey - Men are men. End of. I don't know what to do with this guy...
It's all about me - See, I just don't want to put that much effort into someone who's old enough to know better. Maybe his technique works on some women...
Serial Loser - Hello my darling! See I can get over you lot being controlled by them, but not being able to use them is a crying shame... As for training him without breaking his spirit...me, doing subtlety....oooh!
Mick - I howled with laughter. Thank you! Well if it works for your wife....
Jamy - See I knew you'd understand! I am in full agreement with your advice and it will be a long time, if ever before he sees my bed!
Torren - I knew you meant not literally! Ugh! I spoke to him on Sunday and it was akward, but he was oblivious...
Networkchic - You see! You think like me! I think it's what his obliviousness says about him!
Mary - It's that word 'work'....I'm shuddering...
Prettygirlgeek - Hello and welcome! Do come back!
Wyn - Gosh, everyone likes that line! You had to be there....I can't even bear the idea of a sleepover. He needs to leave it for a while....Very wise thoughts though!
Earth Rooster - I think your thinking is correct oh wise man! See I like you because you recognise that if an effort had been made in the first place, he might have got lucky.
Bella - I knew you'd like this! ;-)
DCveR - 12 is more like it!
Nadz - I knew there was! I got paranoid for a day or so.
Serendipity - Hello there. I was laughing reading your comment as my mum had a very similar experience with the lesbian moment. I am standing my ground and I'm feeling empowered and the next time I see/speak to him (not sure which is better yet) he'll be getting a talking to!
FJL - Thank you for your fab comments and you get 10 Milky Ways ;-)
Spo - Thank you! That made me smile very broadly.
Molly - Thanks and welcome. Well he rummaged through me like a cereal box....
Jayc - Thank you and welcome. That's an *interesting* take on things but I guess I have to decide if it's worth it. I'm going to keep things away from the bedroom until I can figure out what I really think.
I enjoy foreplay more than sex so it's never been an issue with me. But I hear this complaint all the time from close friends. You aren't alone in these thoughts. It's a common problem.
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