No Butts

I made the mistake of mentioning to my nutty team-mates how I have just upgraded my digital TV service (Telewest) and discovered that I have an enormous library of pay per view 'adult movies' and out of curiosity I clicked on 'anal' and roared laughing when I was confronted with:

Addicted to Butt - Four scenes featuring girls that just love to take hard c*ck

I had to go back into to it just now to get the exact wording for this post, so Telewest will think I'm an anal fiend if they're 'measuring' my activity. I can just hear them, "Ooh, single woman in north west London loves taking it up the arse." I don't just for the record! I just had a taster with some lesbian sex scenes in the mini-screen view. The women were rancid and as I looked at their boobs wobbling on the screen, I decided that mine were nicer! It's £7 (approx $12 a film rental) which I think is very pricey even if you do get it for 24 hours. I don't know a thing about porn but I do think that sounds expensive!

Anyway, naturally my colleague Tina Turner (big hair, dodgy 80s dress sense, big mouth, thinks she's hot sh*t, wears fanny skimmers for dresses) latched onto this nugget of information and proclaimed that I'm an anal sex lover. Not one to miss an opportunity, I spent the rest of the day bickering (lovingly) with her and reminded her that even though she's had a fella for about 7 years that I probably get laid more often than she does and if anyone's a fan of brown love, it's Miss I Wanna Flash My Beaver on Every Night Out. In a conversation about yoga where I mentioned I owned a mat (no need to mention the fact it's not used....), she did her usual cackle and scoffed at my ownership. "Well you don't need one with all that leg 'flexing' that you've been doing over the years...." I sniped bitchily. We had such a laugh at work scoffing chocolates, mince pies, ripping the piss out each, making up our own dodgy versions of Christmas carols and of course, squeezing some work in! Have I mentioned that two of the women on my team are pregnant and due within 2 weeks of each other?! Must be something in the water...

I met my friend and two of her naughty but adorable kids for dinner this evening and my ears are still ringing. I am so used to her kids that the constant shouting goes over my head. One of her boys brought along his friend and I choked on my food when her daughter tapped me on the hand and said, "NML, do you know that they are a couple and they love each other very much?" and then howled with laughter. She's 6 and the boys are 9! The boys went to the toilet a while later and when they came back they had managed to provoke an argument with two other little boys. Cue dirty looks across the room and them whining about the boys mouthing rude things at them and my poor friend was at her wits end with them. "Oi you two. Behave yourselves right now" and then I muttered to myself, "Typical men." My friends son piped up with, "Oi yourself. I'M not a typical man! Have you got a boyfriend by the way?" he said giggling. The threat of snatching back his Christmas present shut him up pronto. Jaysus, can you believe I have a flippin 9 year old taking the piss out of my singleness? Kids these days! Ooh, I sound old!