Leaking Pipe

I am livid. Seriously. Apopletic with rage. I've thrown all my toys out the pram, paced my flat, and ranted and raved at anyone that I could get on speed dial. I have come home to a note from the goons that are my maintenance people who have scrawled a note telling me that my boiler is leaking and they have shut off the water.

I have come home to no water and no explanation or indication of when exactly these goons intend to fix it. What is even more infuriating is that I phoned my friend (I rent the flat from her sister and my friend is now my landlord) a couple of weeks ago telling her that a neighbour had pointed out that my boiler was leaking. She pooh'd pooh'd what I said and insisted that the neighbour had it wrong and told me to tell the neighbour to mind her own business. And now I have no water, hence no home for tonight and any other day that these goons feel like leaving my water off for. Mutherf****************************ker! (Breathing in and counting to ten)

I called up B to see if I could stay at hers and she is with John. She has insisted that I come around to hers but all their lovey-doviness may make me feel like a spare prick. No, not really, but I know it will annoy her when she reads this. Hee hee. B's place is where I would normally stay when things like this happen, although I could go around to the bro's. Too much testosterone in that house and I think he's away anyhow..........

On a good note, I am going out with The Guy on Friday for dinner. I, uh, think it's a date, but I'm not sure and I've sworn to you all on the various comments that I will not think. So I'm not. I had a few emails from him this morning and I'm enjoying the delights of new banter. I do love spring!

I'm up to 50 winks on match (things are slowing down now) but as usual it's from someone that mistook '25-35' for age 40. Hmmmmmm........

Right, I had better go and pack my stuff to go to B's. I love being a waif. Or is it a stray?

The Guy

After getting into bed I went to set the alarm on my phone and noticed a text from The Guy (can't be arsed to think of a better name for him!) letting me know that he was home safely. I replied to him, went to sleep and woke up at 8.06am feeling completely confused and sh*t scared of being late on my first day back at work. Somehow I managed to shower, half dress myself, iron a top, faff around whilst I finished dressing, and be on the bus by 8.34 am and in the office by 9.03am. Impressive!

I've spent the day in a fog and all because I've had a four day weekend. I worry for myself sometimes!

I bounced emails back and forth this morning with The Guy and he has already said that he'll call around this week and that maybe we can do something - dinner, movie, or drinks. As I've been on a health rampage and drinking herbal tea (in between scoffing biscuits...) I tend not to have milk in the fridge. He wisecracked in the email that he'd pop around and bring some milk with him. He realised how that could sound and made a jokey apology, but he actually went up in my estimation as he's got my type of sense of humour.

Everybody is trying to make The Guy into a big deal and I keep telling them to shut up. I think they are eager for me not to have MBF in my heart and are obviously thinking that the way to get over someone is to get on top of someone else! I'm trying not to think too much and have even let the thought cross my mind that he may not even be interested in me. Then B pointed out to me that he has to go miles and miles out of his way to call into me. Hmmmmm.....

I've come to a standstill on match with no winks today, which makes me wonder if they all talk to each other and word has got out that I'm Miss 'Polite No Thanks'. Oh no......hee hee!

Gonna Be Alright

The guy from Friday called around again this evening for a couple of hours and I really don't know what to think. I'm inclined to believe that we are just friends but would a guy call around twice over this four day weekend, just because he likes my friendship? I didn't know him very well before the big night out just over a week ago, so what the hell does this all mean?

I'm doing my own head in asking myself so I'm going to try to blot out any thoughts about what this may or may not mean. We were laughing and chatting away but I must admit that I started to feel a bit edgy towards the end and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm thinking too much.......

Just after he arrived MBF called and I told him I'd call him back. I hadn't expected the other guy to stay for as long as he did, so I didn't end up calling back MBF for more than 2 hours. He wasn't too impressed but what the hell does he want from me? It's so difficult with me and MBF because on one hand it hurts like hell to even contemplate not having him in my life, and on the other hand I feel like I should sever the nuts of our relationship and cut him out of my life. I came off the phone with my heart feeling weary but then I reminded myself that he's made his choices and that I can't let that get me down. I told him that words don't mean jack sh*t if they're not followed up with actions.

I look around me and see love blossoming with my friends and there's a part of me that wants in on the action. I've taken to wisecracking to B that she won't have time for me anymore because she and John are all loved up, but I think that is my little fear creeping out. Everybody is making out, making love, making babies, making wedding plans, making relationships, whilst I am cruising for a possible date and sniggering at 'applicants' on match that refuse to read my profile and send me dodgy emails. I am having a lot of fun though and I am far more ready for the possibilities of love than I would have been a few months ago.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when my aunt's boyfriend phoned me up earlier. He dropped me off at the station this morning after staying at theirs last night and said something (can't even remember what it was now) to annoy me, which was my cue to leave. He tried to placate me but I was having none of it. He phoned a while ago claiming to be worried about me.

NML: I'm fine.

Annoying Relative: I was so worried about you. I know you've had a lot of stuff on your shoulders of late and you seemed so far away with it. Then I thought to myself that at least you're not worrying yourself too much about it because you've put on a bit of weight. I mean, if you were so worried about your stuff, you wouldn't be eating and your health would start to slip, and we wouldn't want that.

NML: (Very icy tones) Let me get this straight. You've phoned me up to apologise, tell me that you're worried about me, oh, and tell me that I'm fat?!

Annoying Relative: No, no. I'm not saying you're fat but you've put on a bit of weight. It's good though.

NML: Listen - I could starve myself and not eat for a week, but because I take steroids I will still put on weight. Okay?

I cut the conversation off at this point.

I would like to point out that I am size UK 6-8 and a US 1-2. My weight plummeted with my illness and now I am curvy, healthier looking, with a booty. I am hardly fat!

At least my brother made me laugh when we had lunch today.

NML: Have you met a woman then?

Bro: Oh yes I have actually.

I assume at this point that he's going to tell me that he's got a girlfriend.

Bro: I met this lovely, lovely girl on Saturday night, but I was sooooooo f*cking drunk that I forgot to take her number. I think. (Pulls phone out and starts to look through the names) She was really f*cking lovely, but I kept saying 'Sure you're a lovely girl Catherine' and she kept saying her name was Siobhan, for like two bloody hours. Funny that......

At this point he abandons the search for her name in his phone.

All I could do was laugh.

I've only had 1 wink (things must be slowing down) bringing the tally to 49, and I received another two emails. Not one has read the profile. I'm sure of it......

A Different World

I'm like a woman with a new lease of life because despite being thought of as quite extrovert and confident, my going out behavior has changed recently. Take last night for instance.....

After much tooing and froing over where we were going to go last night, we (the girls and I) ended up in this club below another club that we went to last week. It was our first time going to this particular club, and whilst the music was okay, the crowd was a little young. I decided to have a little stroll around the club when I spotted the promoter and DJ for the club upstairs and a little lightbulb popped up in my head.

Moments later, my friends and I were being escorted via the fire exit to the far better club upstairs. Normally this wouldn't happen as they are two separate nights and £15 into both, but with a bit of the 'ole NML charm, we were in a far better environment, with better music and an older crowd, and no money exchanged. Result!

Now normally I'm loathe to dance with a lot of the guys that ask me to dance because I'm not into being groped up, but last night I was a dancefloor queen. Just after arriving back from the toilets, a guy came over and said 'I think it's time me and you had a dance' just as Beyonce's Naughty Girl came on. In prior times I would probably have thought he was an assumptive cheesy git, but I found myself saying yes and being led onto the dancefloor, where we tore the floor up with our moves, with people clearing the way so that we could let loose. I must admit, I was having a great time and was high on wine and the buzz of shaking my stuff on the dancefloor. We danced solidly for ages until the heat became too much and I felt the need to rest.

As I made my way back over to my friends, I brushed past a girl that was practically standing on our table. As I took a sip from my wine, I felt my bum being slapped several times and turned around to discover the girl who I had just brushed past.

Brushed Girl - "You just tapped me"
NML - "I'm sorry for 'brushing' past you, but I'd appreciate it if you keep your hands to yourself."

With an icy stare, I turned back to my friends and pretended she wasn't there. (This is a normal reaction for me by the way...) Moments later her friends stood on my friends foot.

My Girl to Brushed Girls friends - "See that. That is what manners is about. When you stepped on my foot, I didn't slap you. I accept the fact that I am in a club and that it's likely that you will bump into someone or have your foot trodden on."

Cue lots of snickering all round on our parts and that was the last we heard out of them for the rest of the night. Brushed Girl tried to be intimidating and actually sat on top of our table, but when My Girl started doing some serious moves on the dancefloor, she found herself with a lot of arse in her face!

When I finally got to sit down, I was chatted up by my dance partners friend. The laid back, chilled out NML laughed and chatted away, and when he asked for my number, I politely refused, but took his number instead.

Just as we were about to leave, Usher's Caught Up came on and another gentlemen flexing his stuff and showing everyone that he had watched the video far too much, danced his way over to me and pretty much challenged me to dance with him. So I did, and I made sure I gave him a damn good run for his money!

I'm having a lot of fun at the moment as I think it's all to do with vibes. My heart spent a big chunk of time elsewhere, hankering for MBF (male best friend). The intensity of all that is MBF meant that there was very little room for anything else. Whenever I was out, despite being single, my heart was very firmly and squarely with him, hence I probably sent out unavailable vibes. I dated, but halfheartedly with people that made me reaffirm the idea that there was nobody better than MBF. If I had tried harder and made more of an effort, I may have had a different result.

I miss MBF and it is so hard sometimes not having the same level of friendship that we used to, but I know I've done the right thing. I left a message for him earlier, as I had hoped to have a quick chat and say hello (like friends do). It went to voicemail and silly as it sounds, he failed the test in my mind because no matter how much he says he is always available, he so isn't.

I've long thought that MBF was my soulmate and that nobody else could ever get me the way he could, but I'll never actually know if that's possible unless I give it a try. Now that I am genuinely open to the possibilities of dating and meeting someone who challenges my perception of who my soulmate is, the world suddenly seems very different.

Happy Easter everyone x

Almost forgot, I'm at 48 winks on match and received 5 emails over the past 48 hours. And yes, it's still a case of RTFP (Read The F*cking Profile)

In the Company of a Male

I woke up this morning feeling completely confused and panicked that I was late for work. Then I remembered that it's a four day weekend, and would have jumped out the bed and done a jig in my underwear, but I felt a bit tender from the booze last night. Excuse my drunken sentimentality in my last post!

So.............I spent the afternoon in the company of a male. I don't think I went on a date, but I did spend several hours with a guy that I've only just started to get to know. He was one of the guys I went out with last Friday, but it wasn't him that I snogged, it was his friend. Anyhow, I've had a couple of emails and a few phone conversations with him and he decided to call over to my flat today and then we went out for a very long lunch and spent the afternoon laughing and chatting.

I felt so at ease in his company this afternoon as we chatted about work, university, our various travels, and mutual friends. We howled with laughter as we talked about Peter Kay, Eddie Murphy and Ricky Gervais (favorite comedians), and I thought he was great when he started talking about my favorite scene from Meet The Parents (the water volleyball scene). He thought it was hilarious when I swore to myself when I was trying to do stuff around the flat, and even funnier when I tried to cover it up and act all lady like. I tripped several times on the walk to the restaurant and I think he thought I was a right dizzy cow. The funniest moment was when I leaned on the table with my elbows to listen eagerly to something he was saying and the table flipped up! I just managed to stop the glasses of drinks turning over but nearly flipped the table up again when I went to sit back down.

I don't know what to make of my lovely afternoon but I had a lot of fun. He gave me a hug before he left and there wasn't one of those awkward moments so at least I was spared any weird moments!

I'm not interested in the guy I snogged last Friday although we will be remaining friends, but I'm not sure if I'm interested in this guy either. I know that I like him as a friend and I wouldn't even start anything with him unless I really thought something could come out of it because it wouldn't be worth it.

I find that when I talk to guys that I'm inclined to take my time getting to know them a little to suss out what makes them tick. It would be all too easy for me to fancy this guy based on looks and lust, but that doesn't hold up after a while and there needs to be something with a bit more substance. I snogged the guy last Friday, well, because I could, and I knew that things would be totally cool afterwards.

I spoke to MBF this morning and we're settling back into a sort of easy-going friendship. I've made a lot of wisecracks about engagement rings this week and to be fair, he's taken my piss taking very well. Naturally I've dropped in the fact that I'm a woman with a new lease of life, who's online dating and realising how much fun it is to be dating or trying to date. He's wishing me well..........through gritted teeth.

I'm up to 45 winks and 14 emails. I will say one thing that covers most of the respondents - Learn.To.Read.

Cheers. To Friends

Too pissed to write very much. I will probably be very embarrassed when I look at this tomorrow. Completely off my face on too much wine.

Tonight made me remember how great it is to have friends. I was supposed to be on a big night out but my friend and B's boyfriend took the opportunity to pass out shortly after we left work, outside the bar we were drinking at. It was one of the strangest moments of my life and I really felt for both of them. We took him off to get something to eat and once he felt better, proceeded to get very drunk.

Felt weird momentarily when I realised that once again I was going home while everybody else I know was going home to share a bed with their significant other. I love living on my own and having life to myself, but I did feel a pang and felt a bit wistful for that togetherness that everybody else in the friggin world seems to have except for me.

I am very fortunate to have such good friends and I wouldn't change a thing. What I would like to change is the distinct churning sensation in my stomach from far too much of the vino....

Congratulations to PPQ , my special bird, who found love (Am I allowed to say that? Visions of PPQ shooting me!) with another blogger - Cue melodramatic swooning....

If I have misspelt any of this, I apologise but I am too pissed to fix it, but sober enough to just about manage a post. Yee hah! Oh f*ck it, I'm going to bed.

Back To Work

Well I am delighted that my tips for dating me went down a treat. It felt good to let it all out. I know there's more in there but I'll save it for a part 2........

I'm up to 41 winks but I received 5 emails today, and one is from a previous prospect (for want of a better word) who wants to know why I didn't choose him instead of accepting the 'polite no thank you' that I sent him. My head hurts already. If I have to give an individual explanation of why I'm not interested to every winker or emailer, I will be exhausted. Can't he just accept it and move on? If someone sent me a 'polite no thanks' or turned me down in face to face, I don't think I could be arsed to ask them why. Am I normal or lazy?

The important thing about dating is that you need to be resilient. If we take to heart every occurrence, brief encounter, meeting or rejection, we'll be sh*t scared of dating anyone. If we add on the people that we date, have relationships with, marry or divorce, that's a big bloody load to carry. I am not banking all of my hopes and dreams on online dating. If I meet someone, I meet someone. If I don't, well, I don't.

I went back to work today and spent most of the day feeling wobbly and light headed while sitting in meeting after meeting. There was such a temptation to put my coat on, turn around and go home and hide under the duvet watching DVD's, but I lasted the day. I was on my way home having a sneaky jaunt in the Apple store, when I got a call to meet my friend in a bar down the road. I could hardly leave her on her own whilst she waited for the others, so I hotfooted it down there and had a couple of cocktails. It was so difficult to force myself, but somehow I got those drinks down along with the lovely hor'dourves. (note that it really was no effort at all....)

We were all talking about Easter eggs today and as an afterthought, I mentioned that I must remember to buy one. Cue puzzled and horrified faces, followed by an attached colleague telling me, 'Oh no! How awful! You can't buy one for yourself!'

NML: Er, yes I can.

Seriously, how hard can it be? I walk into the shop, pick up the Easter egg of my choice, go to the counter and pay for it. What's so difficult about that? Oh I see! I'm single hence it is sad to buy myself an Easter egg. Oh dear........

Thanks Home Detention Lady (Boo)

HDL has been a bit mean and tagged me with this Book It! Program and I feel obliged to do it in case she comes over here and beats my ass ;-)

What book would I like to be? Sweet baby Jesus and the angels. I don't know! How about anything by James Patterson or Dan Brown. Racy, keeps you on the edge of your seat, thrilling, full of suspense with plenty of twists and turns.

Have I ever had a crush on a fictional character? Rupert in the Jilly Cooper books, Riders, Rivals and Polo. Yes, in my eclectic mix of reading, I don't mind an occasional trashy read!

What is the last book I bought? I brought 4 - Who Runs This Place?: The Anatomy of the 21st Century by Anthony Simpson

What is the last book I read? - Shopped: The Shocking Power of British Supermarkets by Joanna Blythman

What book am I currently reading? - The Last Juror - John Grisham

What five books would I take with me if I was stranded on a desert island?
1. Angels & Demons - Dan Brown
2. No Logo - Naomi Klein
3. Waiting To Exhale - Terru McMillan
4. Kiss The Girls - James Patterson
5. Can You Keep A Secret - Sophie Kinsella

What three poor idiots am I tagging with this FUN FUN FUN? Dating Dummy, The Lone Pen and Dating In Miami. Hee hee!

How To Date Me or Even End Up Marrying Me

If a guy has ever wondered how to date me, stay in my good books whilst dating me, go out with me, or wants to know how they could end up marrying me, I've put together a list. I'm thinking of using this as T&C's when I meet a prospective partner. Joke! This list is based on previous experience and I'm sure many readers can relate, and if you can't, I'm sure that that you'll tell me!

How To Date, Go Out With, or Even End Up Marrying NML

1. Accept me for being the outgoing, moderately extrovert, ambitious, a little bossy (previously used the word ballbusting but that's a bit harsh!), often outspoken person that I am.
2. Do not try to change me into a meek and mild, simpering wifey.
3. Be pleased that I am never shy when I'm out instead of feeling threatened.
4. Don't be jealous if I get up and have a dance with a guy who is a friend.
5. Laugh with me, laugh at whatever, whenever, however, but prepared to make me cry with laughter.
6. Don't be shocked when I 'occasionally' use a volley of curse words, especially my favorite word mutherfucker.
7. Don't perve on my friends. Ever. Not even for a 'joke'.
8. Have some aspirations, some ambition. You don't need to be wanting to become the next Donald Trump, but you need to want go somewhere in life.
9. Be a man. Sorry ladies, but much as I love my girls, I want a man.
10. Accept my sometimes zany family.
11. Remember that we should be the best of friends as well as lovers.
12. Must want children, but not loads as I'm petrified of childbirth.
13. Don't pretend to be something you're not.
14. Accept and be respectful of the fact that I have male friends.
15. Cheating on me is a no no. I accept no excuses.
16. Do not ask me to get off with a woman, unless you can get off with a man. ie Don't ask at all!
17. Accept the fact that I watch Sex & The City still, Desperate Housewives, and that I dip in and out of soaps (Eastenders, Corrie) without bitching about it and pontificating on how messed up the characters are.
18. Let me watch my crime shows (CSI, CSI Miami, Law & Order) in silence unless you want to find yourself surrounded in crime scene tape.
19. You can play sports, but when I get that blank look on my face when you've been shitting on about football/football results/rugby/whatever, it means it's time to change the subject.
20. Be respectful of my various female friendships. If I tell you stuff about them, don't judge them.
21. Never flirt with your own sister. (Yes an idiot ex did this. Weird)
22. Do not allow your mum to blow on your stomach whilst lying on the couch (same ex in #22)
23. When you try to get my attention in a club don't:
a) Push your hardon against my backside as a way of introducing yourself
b) Dance with me as if your trying to screw me
c) Grab me forcefully to try to get my attention
24. When you're on one of the first few dates with me do not:
a) Talk (bitch) about your exe's
b) Ask me for relationship advice about dealing with your exe's
c) Invite me up for a non-existent coffee
d) Say anything filthy within minutes of the first date
e) Ask me how I feel about moving away with you in a few months (I'm good but not that good)
f) Come out high (see #25)
g) Have your babymama turn up to have a pop (Yes, this did happen to me. Also see #32)
25. I'm not into drugs. I don't care what other people do, but if a man wants to think he has the remotest chance of having a relationship with me, he will not be into drugs. I want kids and continued use is going to wreck that sperm and I need it!
26. I am happy to do housework, but a partner cannot continuously criticise me if they don't pull their weight.
27. Putting the toilet seat back down and leaving the toilet clean (no skids, logs), and no pee around the seat will score major brownie points with me.
28. Know it seems frighteningly basic but wash. Hygiene is of paramount importance. Soap, water, deodorant, aftershave and toothpaste are not difficult to come by. I am not a woman who is turned on by 'pheromones' in sweat or bad breath.
29. Don't wear medallions, ghetto-fabulous signet rings, or other 'blingey' items that will make me suspect that you've raided BA Baracus' treasure trove of ATeam memories. I pity the fool....
30. Don't wear white socks and black shoes. In fact, only wear white socks with trainers. This is not a shallow thing. If a man wears white socks, black shoes (or a similar but equally disturbing variance) I don't think he and I will be having a meeting of the minds.
31. Be responsible. We all get a bit frivolous at times, but don't be irresponsible with money or work because you think that I will always pick up the tab.
32. Don't ever have babymama's hunting me down. Sort your baggage out.
33. Don't be an extreme mummy's boy, but don't be a mother hater either. A healthy love and respect for your mum will probably have given you a healthy attitude towards women.
34. Don't be overtly jealous or possessive. It's nice to know that a guy cares, but when it gets to be unhealthy, it's not a reflection of love. If a guy tries to own me, he'll find himself in deep doo doo.
35. Sing it with me people. 'Got to have a J.O.B. if you gotta be with me.' Corny but true. I didn't say rich. I didn't say well off. I didn't even say the same as me. Just a J.O.B.
36. Don't go on and on and on about sex. That's not exciting.
37. Do not allow friends or family to be rude to me.

Wow that was a lot! I'm sure I could add more to it, but I'll refrain.

I stayed off work today as being sick yesterday had wiped out all of my energy. By this afternoon I was feeling much better, and lazing about taking it easy seems to have done me the world of good. As I surfed blogs and planned to conquer the world ;-), I watched Coming To America [1988], American Pie 3: The Wedding [2003] and Pulp Fiction (Collector's Edition) [1994] . Yes, there was a lot of variety in my afternoon of dvds! For about ten minutes I thought that I was having a relapse, but it turned out that it was that man being rogered by the gimp in Pulp Fiction that was making me feel a bit tender. Yeuch!

I am up to 40 winks on match so far and at a push there are 2 guys that are a little up my street, but that could be because they may be the best of a bad bunch. I really don't think I'm being fussy, but I have not seen anyone that makes me think 'Oh yes, it would definitely be a good idea to pay a subscription for this.'

Thanks for all of the kind words re me being sick. I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm swooning at the thought......

Get Off The Bus

I have been sick as a parrot (do they get that sick?) since last night and spent half the night traipsing to and from the bathroom and most of the day swooning, until I finally gave in and decided to leave work and go home just after 3pm. There is nothing worse than sitting in work feeling like sh*t and I figured that my home comforts would make me feel miles better.

Foolishly, I decided to get the bus home instead of the tube as I was afraid of feeling to hot and panicky. As I waited for my bus, every number of every other bus turned up in pairs as if they were from Noah's bloody ark. Just as I thought I was going to keel over with pain my bus pulled up and relief swept over me. I raced onto the bus and ensured that I got my seat, albeit upstairs.

Everything was going fine, if not a little slowly, when the bus came to a standstill on the Edgeware Road. I could hear shouting over the sound of my iPod, so I yanked my earphones out to find out what was preventing me from getting home. The bus driver must have had some falling out with a passenger who was no refusing to get off. Much to my chagrin, the bus driver decided that it just has to be my bus that he was going to bring to a standstill until the offending passenger got off.

Mr Offending Passenger (OP) decides to come upstairs despite a bus full of people now shouting at him to make his way off the bus. I can now feel myself breaking out in a sweat and the horrid waves of cramps gripped my stomach. I silently cursed OP, momentarily too tired to give him a piece of my mind, as I was afraid of chucking up all over myself. Minutes later, OP is still on the bus. He is now saying stuff like 'I'm not getting off the bus because my wife is waiting for me', 'I'm in a rush', 'My wife is ill', 'I'm just not going'.

From downstairs I hear a guy shout up, 'Listen bruv. Just get off the bus. I've got places to go man and we ain't going nowhere with you on here. Come on na man. Get off.'

OP half moves to get off the bus but seems to change his mind. I can take no more.

I turned in my seat feeling hot and clammy and faced him.

'Listen to me and listen to me very carefully. I don't care where you have to go and what dramas await you at home. If you don't get off this bus and let me get home, I am going to throw up. Everywhere.' Cue gasps from the other passengers and even he had the good grace to look horrified. 'Get. Off. The. Bus. Now.'

Job done. OP off the bus. Nothing like the prospect of some half crazed woman throwing up all over the bus to get a few gasps and the bus moving. I could sense all of their gazes on me but they should have been bloody thanking me. They were on their way home! Ten minutes later and my bus pulled up at my stop. As soon as I stepped off the bus onto the pavement, I started to retch with two bus loads of people looking at me (f*cking marvelous). I stumbled across the road to my flat, stumbled up the stairs, frantically opened the door and just made it to the bathroom. I have impeccable timing......

I have been tucked up on the couch in my snuggly track bottoms and hoody for hours now, and even managed to fall asleep for a couple of hours. I don't know what I have eaten, but I have been rendered incapable.

Still, I've had a few more winks on match, giving me 34. It's a shame I can't get them to read my guide to online dating, as it would save them the trouble and the wink. Hilarious as I find this whole online dating mallarky, I am relieved that I have not paid a subscription, otherwise I would have to be demanding a refund for violations of the trade description act!

My Guide To Online Dating

I'm now up to 30 winks and 8 emails on match and it's only the 5th day. I haven't payed for the subscription, hence I can't reply to any emails, but as of yet I don't have a need to. Nothing has taken my fancy so far, but I am learning a lot about online dating. For anyone who us about to embark on online dating, or is already doing it, here is the laywoman's golden rules for it.

1) Do not use something sexual in your profile. eg 'Youknowyouwantit', 'Big(mans name)' or anything that makes you sound like all you want to do is shag someone. You can pretty much go into any bar or club and find someone to shag if you try hard enough. Why would you do it the long winded way via online dating? Keep it clean. As a woman I find it complete turn off when the first thing I read is a sexual reference.

2) The profile is an opportunity to sell yourself. Give information that shows your strong points and gives people a reason to want to read more, or even wink or email you. (Note: Even if you have a big dick this is not a 'strong point' and is not the moment to tell people about it. See #1)

3) Check your grammar. It's difficult to believe some peoples professions when you read their profiles because there is no use of grammar, punctuation, or spelling. First impressions are everything, and it would be a good start of I believed your age instead of wondering if you are 5 years old and have just learnt how to write.

4) DON'T SEND EMAILS IN CAPITAL LETTERS. IT'S VERY HARSH AND CONFRONTATIONAL, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU WRITE THINGS LIKE 'I NEED TO KNOW YOUR RESPONSE.....'. You need to take off the caps lock and calm the f*ck down!

5) 'RTFP' (Read The F*cking Profile) an acronym mentioned by my pal Dating In Miami aptly describes the biggest problem with online dating. Look at this process as if you're applying for a job and submitting your CV. If I was a job interviewer and asked for someone with IT experience and the interviewee that turned up had none, I would not be happy and would feel they had wasted my time.
Likewise, when I say 25-35, I mean 25-35, not chance your arm and hope that I won't notice that in some cases you're almost 20 years older than what I requested. It's a good start if you can demonstrate that you've read at least half the profile before you send a wink or an email.

6) More 'RTFP': That phrase that says that if you throw enough shit at something, some will stick should not apply in the dating world. Be at least a little selective about who you're winking and emailing at, instead of winking and emailing everyone in the hope that someone will say hi. This behavior is the real world equivalent of those guys that literally work their way around a club trying to get laid, and eventually they manage to go home with someone. Soulless and empty. I'm looking at profiles of people that have winked at me and the only conclusion that I can draw is that they wink at everyone, because it's very obvious that they have read zilch.

7) The photo is a piece of sales support. This is an opportunity for you to show yourself in your best and most attractive light to prospective dates. Everybody knows at least one other person out there. If the pictures that you're taking of yourself do not show you in your most attractive light, and adds features that don't exist to your face, ask someone to take a picture. You'll thank them later. Trust me.

8) Pictures that are out of focus, poorly lit, or have you against a background that crowds you out do not work. Likewise, photos of you on a beach where you can barely be recognised or seen, or pictures of trees and churches are useless too. All that these pictures show is that you've been to a beach (wow), and that for some reason, you think that someone will fancy a tree or a church.

Murder on The Dancefloor

Alan from Random Burblings commented that my life was like a soap opera when he gave me a special shout on his blog, and he half expects something like a plane crash or an armed siege to happen. Last night would have warranted a double episode, possibly scheduled after the watershed due to the language.

I went out with a group of friends last night that included my ex work colleague who someone idiotically said I was sleeping with. I didn't mention that I was going out with him to the male best friend (MBF) because 1) He would have made an unnecessary fuss and with it being his birthday weekend, I preferred to tell him after the event, and 2) because I don't have to explain myself to him!

If I had imagined what the worst possible thing to happen last night would be, I would have thought it ridiculous. Well it happened.

We were in the queue to go into the club when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a guy I recognised from uni, who is also friends with the MBF. That should have alerted me but it was still another minute or so before I spotted MBF and I swear I nearly fell over with surprise, but not before I grabbed my friend, told her he was there, and then yes, I kind of hid for a moment while I tried to figure out what the hell to do.

With that amazing male timing, ex work colleague shouts 'Hey NML. Look who's here!' and I swear to f*cking God, I have never been so embarrassed and I have never seen MBF look sooo angry! I felt frozen and somehow I managed to will myself to go over to him.

'Hey MBF. I didn't know you were coming here. You alright?' Okay, okay, I was stumbling through my words and I placed my hand on his arm, where he promptly flashed my hand away from him and stormed off.

I felt so angry but instead of making a scene, I walked away with my head held high and went into the club without a backward glance.

When my anger had subsided a little, I phoned him and left a message saying that he had got the wrong end of the stick and to enjoy his night. I had a missed call from him a while later and tried to call him back, and then nothing. I assumed that he wasn't even in the club because of the way he had stormed off.

It gets worse. Much much worse though.........

The girls and I decided to check out the main club area upstairs and as we walked onto the dancefloor, I swear I felt my blood run cold. I have never met his girlfriend, in fact very few have. Last night I saw my nemesis in his arms on the dancefloor, with the both of them swaying away to the tunes. To be honest, I didn't feel overwhelming hurt, and instead went from going numb inside to feeling rage like I have never known. Then one of my friend pipes up 'F*cking hell! She's got an engagement ring on!' and I turned away in shock and went back downstairs before I did something that I wouldn't regret.

I wanted to let him know that I had seen him but my friend forced me to continue downstairs. Fortunately we had a table in the VIP so we were tucked away in a separate club room otherwise it could have been very uncomfortable.

I gathered myself together, danced for half an hour and then discreetly popped upstairs and walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder.

He tried to start an argument with me and I asked him to meet me over by the bar. When he came over I let rip like I haven't in a long time. I could barely speak with the fury. It wasn't even about seeing him with her, it was the fact that he had the audacity to be rude to me outside, create that fuss and argue with me, and all along he was out with his f*cking girlfriend! Complete double standards. Throw in the fact that I had just discovered his 'engagement' and I wanted to hurt him so badly. I said some very cruel but warranted things and I think that the last thing I said was that seeing him with her and his actions last night had wiped out any feelings I ever had for him.

I returned to my gang and partied like it was my last night of freedom. As I busted a groove on the dancefloor, and put away a lot of wine, I refused to give him a second thought and flirted away like my life depended on it.

As I danced away with a very good looking guy that I had spent most of the evening laughing and dancing with, I decide to throw caution to the wind and two fingers at MBF, and shared a very big kiss, or as we refer to it her in the UK, a snog. There was no flatlining for NML last night!

MBF called me this morning as apparently we had a lot to discuss. I have let him know in no uncertain terms that he has seriously f*cked up with me. Big style. He thinks that we both had misunderstandings and insists that he isn't engaged and that she wasn't wearing an engagement ring. When I eventually accepted that he wasn't engaged, I think he thought that everything was fine. Hell no. Other than the possibility of some poxy ring, there is no misunderstanding on my part. Ultimately, where the frig does he get off having a pop at me when he is with her?

I have warned MBF repeatedly about not pushing me too far and about making unfounded accusations, because I could just flip one day and make it come true. I reminded him of that this morning, and then I told him about the snog. Let's just say that there was a lot of words that should be covered with bleeps. At the end of the day, me having a cheeky snog doesn't even come close to matching what he has done. Whilst it's not about tit for tat, I needed to do what I did last night.

I am hungover and very pleased with myself. My life is for living, not living in the shadow of some woman that I hadn't even seen until last night. I'm having fun and I'm not going to spend my time looking back. I don't know where all of this leaves my friendship with MBF, but I've got a weekend to enjoy, another night of partying, and most importantly, I've got a life.

Oh, I'm up to 25 winks on match, with 95% being distinctly unsuitable. I discovered that my inches to centimeter calculation was way off, and I was appearing as 4ft 8". Hilarious!

If I was to describe some of the guys in the identity parade of prospects on the basis of their photo's it would be as follows:

One guy looks like he is posing for a prison photo, or like a photo fit from Crimewatch UK.

There's a 50 Cents lookalike with a chain so big around his neck, I'm surprised that his head hasn't snapped off.

One looks old enough to be my grandad and then some, but claims he's in his 40s.

There's a guy who looks like an 80s soul crooner with a distinct geri-curl.

I could call one of them daddy, not in a sexual way, but because he actually looks like my dad!
All in all, there are about 4 alright guys, 8 have withheld their photo's, and the rest is a bunch of ballers, gangsta's, daddy's, grandads, prison inmates, and thugs. What brilliant fun!

I'm going back out into the sunshine. It is gloriously sunny in London and I'm excited because it feels like summer is on the way, I can wear toeless shoes during the day again, and I'm having fun. Enjoy your weekends.

Doh! And Doh! Again

This is a quick one as I'm a little alcohol fueled and my bed is screaming my name. Yes, I've had a few naughty drinks.

Today started and ended as one of my calamity days. I legged it across London via the tube this morning to go to my doctors and collect my prescription for my steroids. I had wanted to collect it yesterday but they were closed, so you can imagine my annoyance when I got there and discovered that the prescription hadn't been done and that I had to wait for the doctor to sign it. Thirty-five minutes later, I was getting ready to let rip on the poor receptionist when the doctor came out. With a hasty thanks, I snatched the prescription and headed off for work. It was only as I was paying for the prescription at the pharmacy that I realised that they had prescribed me 90 tablets instead of tablets for 90 days. Doh!

After a flurry of swear words which startled a couple of people in the vicinity, I speed walked back to work. I noticed a couple of people looking at me funny en route and looked down, only to discover that one side of my skirt had been hitched up by the laptop bag. I pulled my skirt back into place feeling relieved that I was only seconds from work, when I spotted the big, big boss having a smoke.

Big, big boss waves at NML

NML: Hi

I feel slightly flustered and conspicuous as I am almost two hours late for work

Big Big Boss: Hello! Do you know your skirts blowing up?

Face flushes with embarrassment and try to think of a clever reply

NML: Thanks!

Thinking sh*t, f*ck, bollocks, sh*t, sh*t, f*ck to myself.

Big Big Boss: Not a problem

Followed by what sounded like a chuckle. I walked into the office holding down the back of my skirt, praying that nothing else would happen. Fortunately it didn't!

I spent this evening at the best male friends birthday gathering. I had thought I would stick to soft drinks and proceeded to drink wine instead (B needed someone to share and who am I to refuse her?) and even did a shot for the first time in years. I was very hyper and spent the last three hours dancing the night away to a lot of cheesy music. It was a really comfortable evening and it's making me feel confident that the best male friend and I can build our friendship. I watched him tonight and was genuinely happy to see him laughing and joking and enjoying himself. I was also pleased because I didn't spend my evening feeling wary and instead kept the crew very entertained. Despite a very publicised trial, I was still doing the moonwalk, the white glove movements, the special kicks and hee hee's to Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. I finished the night by busting a groove to MC Hammer's Can't Touch This and I am sure that everyone thinks I am nuts. I'm not, I just love to dance, especially to old stuff.

I wobbled my way home from the tube station a short while ago singing along very hoarsely with my iPod to Jo Jo's Get Out (definitely need to stay off the white wine), when I felt like my tights covered bum had gone really cold. Yes, once again, my skirt blew up with passing taxi drivers as spectators.

I had a few more winks and two emails on match . I am not even remotely tempted to reply but this online dating mallarky does give me the giggles. Why is it, that despite the fact that I have said 25-35, I've got guys in their forties emailing me? I'm not interested, but mostly because they can't read! I think that if I have the time tomorrow, I will do a bit of surfing and see if there is anybody for me to wink at. I love online dating!

Ooh, and happy saint patricks day. If I had been at home in Dublin I would have had the day off today. I did ask if I could have the day off here, but for some reason, my company were having none of it. Oh well.......

New Profession?

I went to see Hitch this evening and found it to be thoroughly enjoyable. It's one of those fluffy romantic comedy's but it made me howl with laughter and even reminded me that there is somebody out there for everyone. Will Smiths character Alex Hitch is a date doctor and I'd never heard of this type of job before, but now I want to do it. All I'd have to do is get my clients through their first 3 dates. Actually when I think back to all of the awful dates that I've been on, that's a pretty scary thought! Maybe I could be a Bastard Coach - I could either teach the men that behave like bastards not to be bastards any longer, or teach women to go for better, nicer guys! I'm sure there's a lifes work in that job!

I have uploaded my photo onto match after much 'encouragement'.To be honest, I'm scared sh*tless now but it's done and I've got to give it a go.

Evidently my profile was sooooo good (note sarcastic tone) that I have already had an email from a financial analyst that has polar opposite interests to me and admittedly I wouldn't fancy him if it was all based on looks alone. Fortunately a read through his profile made me realise that I know sweet f all about Japanese surrealism, I lose my rhythm when I hear most indie music (which he loves), and he is slightly taller than me (I do like a bit of height). I've also had 5 winks (people letting me know they're interested) and one of them claims he's 41 but looks 71!

This online dating mallarky is quite good fun actually. There is no need for me to stress about it because if I don't want to respond to emails, I don't have to. I don't have to explain why I'm not interested, why I won't dance, make silly conversation, or get shitty when they won't take no for answer. It has suddenly dawned on me that online dating could be some hassle free fun where I get to peruse dating "cv's" without a clammy hand on my back, a roving eye on my tits, or an inappropriate hard on pressed against me in a club. Jaysus, what took me so long!

Should I Put My Photo On Match? Am I cray-zay?

I think there is only so much time that I can be down or dwell on the the crappy things in life, and after taking my Fukitol Pill given to me by my pal Dating Dummy , I'm feeling much better!

I've had a couple of family conversations where I've had the chance to air my feelings, and it has made a world of difference to my peace of mind. It's not all fixed, but it's moving in the right direction, which is forward and better.

I have finally managed to save the final part of my match profile and somebody somewhere will be perusing it to give my application its approval and probably calling me a sad cow whilst counting the money being made from us singles, but hey..........a girls gotta try! I haven't uploaded a photo.......yet, but this is where I'm stuck. What if someone from my work is a member? (Seriously there is f all in the way of hot singles at work!) Plus, I'm worried about strange people perving or something although I think my mind is thinking too much. Words are great because they make me anonymous, whereas a photo makes it up close and personal. Help!
Just occurred to me - Can I wear sunglasses in my photo? A balaclava? Hair over one side of my face?

Note to self: Must make more of an effort to meet 'real' people face to face that way I don't have to worry about a photo circulating.

Something else just occured to me - Do people still do cybersex? Will I be expected to do cyber nookie with some random? I feel faint at the thought. Okay, okay, I am definitely thinking way too much and cybersex is soooooo 1995!

Fuckity Fuck Fuck

Sweet baby Jesus and the angels as my boy Peter Kay would say. Today has been one hell of a friggin trying day, and I have sworn more times than I care to remember.

I went to bed last night and decided to watch a bit of Baby Boy (nice to drool over the lead Tyrese) as I figured that I would nod off after a few minutes. Instead, because I had drunk some aloe vera, I watched the entire thing (drooling all the way despite it being my second time seeing it) and still couldn't get to sleep till almost 12.30am.

My alarm went off at 6.45am, which meant that I was getting out of bed 45 minutes early to get my arse to the hospital. Everything was going well until I started to get dressed. I pulled my skirt on and hurriedly pulled the zip up where it stuck half way up. Because I was rushed, I admit that I may have been a little rough trying to fix it, which actually made it worse. Minutes later and with the scissors deciding to go into hiding, I was left with no choice but to leave the house wearing the skirt with the zip half way up.

Before I left. I put on my reheeled FMB's (F*ck Me Boots) and as I pulled them out the bag, I dropped one of the bloody boots heel first onto my foot. Cue series of beeps to smother the volley of swear words.

As I speed walked to the station minutes later, I had to do an about turn because I had left my steroids on the dining table.......

I finally managed to get on the bloody tube and then found myself sitting in tunnels or on station platforms for minutes at a time. I had to race out of the station at the other end and made the bus within seconds, puffing and panting, and feeling like my boobs were on fire.

I swear I went into the appointment at the hospital positive but they don't half make it difficult for me to maintain positivity. For a start, I had some young pup of a lad reeking of smoke, who seemed completely clueless. How the f*ck can you reek of smoke when you work in a chest clinic which is full of patients with lung cancer and other lung related illnesses?! It's a disgrace.

He asked me stupid questions which he would have known the answer to if he had bothered to read my notes, and at times I proved myself to be far more knowledgeable than him. Then he drops bombshell 1. Not only am I staying on the same dosage of my steroids for another 3 months (I was supposed to be getting it decreased), but after the 3 months they will then start to decrease my dosage. This means that I actually have about 4-5 months left on them. FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKK!

Then bombshell 2 came along. I asked about whether I needed to start bone medicine (protect my bones against osteoporosis, and he said that they will only need to do this if there is prolonged use. When I mentioned that I had been told that I may have to have a couple of extra bursts if my symptoms come back, he tells me that by prolonged use, it may mean lifetime. I actually felt sick!

They feel that I have responded well to treatment, but it's false because steroids suppress and replace stuff, trying to force these weird illnesses to regress, not fix it. I know I've got to be positive, but I feel like I have started on a road that bloody well won't let me off it. A reader, Kimmy K commented that she has been left with rheumatic arthritis due to the steroids. It is good to know that I am not alone with this and I really feel for her. It's like you never get to let go and recover completely.

I felt so mad today. I'm twenty-friggin-seven! I'm supposed to be footloose and fancy free and whilst I'm not claiming I've got the worst thing in the world, it's the sh*t that's happening to me. I hate it! I know I'm lucky to be here and there are other people in the world worse off than me, but Jesus! It's like saying, oh I know you have a broken leg, but don't worry because there's worse out there. The leg still bloody hurts.

Anyway.......I didn't have to have the chest x-ray, horrid blood tests, or respiratory lung function test as they've decided to wait till next time when they should hopefully see significant changes, so I was in an out in an hour.

As I walking I noticed that a few people were looking at me and despite tugging at my skirt, due to the half open zip, my skirt was riding up and in danger of revealing the twinkle!

When I got to Oxford Circus, I dashed to H&M and purchased a more suitable skirt. After cutting the other skirt off me back at the office (yes it was that bad), I came out of the toilet to discover that I had forgotten my pass, and was locked out of my floor. Damn!

After work, I did what I always do when I'm feeling a down, and went and brought myself 3 skirts in the very recently opened Bershka. Recommend to all ladies living in London to get in there, pronto.

The plan was to come home have my M&S prawns and giant cookies, with my feet up watching Corrie and Eastenders. Instead, due to a nosy neighbour panicking me by telling me that my boiler was leaking and that my radiators needed bleeding, I found myself playing handy man. After bleeding 5 radiators and hacking my bloody knuckle, I think I had said every effin curse word you could think of.

I need to sort out my description on Match. Thanks to all of those that had advice for me. Thank God I'm not the only person that is wary of this online dating mallarky!

I think today could be regarding as one big muther of a blow out! I'm okay though. I think I just needed to vent! Sh*t, I've brought 4 skirts today!

Online Dating

This weekend was a bit of a blow out in terms of going out. For some reason I have spent most of the weekend having appalling dizzy spells, which ruled out going out on both nights. For some reason, each time I got ready to go out I was hit with hideous dizzy spells and the room spinning around me, followed by hours of nausea. Fortunately I'm pretty busy next weekend, so dizziness or no dizziness, I'm going out!

Today I decided to venture into the online dating world and checked out a few sites, primarily match which gave my friend Home Detention Lady some success recently. I must admit that I am one of the people that thinks that online dating is for loonies, but so many people have recommended it (does that mean they think I'm a loony? Or are they the loonies?) that I have decided to give it a go. I have spent f*ck knows how long trying to put my description in but it keeps disappearing and it makes me wonder if it's a sign. It has occurred to me that I should really try before I buy - ie. check out the people in there to see if I could meet someone who could float my boat. The one thing that I have learnt from surfing is that if I decide to put a photo on, I should put on a good one. If you saw some of the photos that I've seen today, you'd be shocked! People are effectively selling themselves but choosing dubious photos. Hmmmmm...
I'll finish my match profile tomorrow because if the damn thing loses my description once more, I will scream.

If anybody has any recommendations on good dating websites, let me know.

I think that this online dating experience will be an entertaining life lesson. I'm not going in with huge expectations, so if anything good comes of it, it'll be a bonus. I don't know whether to put up a picture though? What if someone I know finds it? Or if I get strange people emailing? Or if I bump into someone on the street? Yeah, yeah! I know I'm suffering from immense paranoia!
I was lugging my groceries home today and yet another guy asked me where my man was to help me. This is the fourth time this has happened to me, and I'm becoming paranoid that I look frail, weak and in need of a man to carry my bags!

I went to about ten bloody shops to get my Sunday Times and came home empty handed. This is what I get for living in so-called posh neighborhood. I felt bereft, but realised that I should not be a creature of habit and cold turkeyed myself. I went to the opposite end of the scale and spent the remainder of the afternoon catching up on episodes of America's Next Top Model. I am fascinated by all of that bitchiness and admitedly a bit confused by their choices of finalists!

Have to get an early night because I've got my 3 month check up tomorrow. I am being positive, but the dizzy spells are making me cautious. The great thing about tomorrow is that officially, it's 3 months to go until I finish the steroids. This is huge to me as taking steroids has had a massive impact on my quality of life. There is a possibility that even when I come off them, they may need to give me an additional burst of them if my symptoms try to return. I want to discuss other options as I'm afraid of the destruction to my bones and muscles if there is prolonged use. My joints are already in a bit of a state and there's been a lot of muscle wastage. I don't want to end up with bloody osteoporosis either. Anyway...

Right, I'm off to iron something suitable for work that I can remove easily for my chest x-ray. The last time I was there a woman whipped her top off in front of everyone in the waiting room. Tits touching toes doesn't even begin to describe it!

Freaky Friday

I've been feeling bleary eyed as I stayed at my friends last night following her girls evening, which was dominated by a Pampered Chef party to help raise funds for her marathon. I think I was the only single and childless person there out of about 20 people. One actually looked at me as if I had 2 horns and a tail when I proclaimed my single status. Seemingly cooking for one, having the bed to myself, coming and going as I please, having a career, and being able to wipe my arse without having to talk to a bunch of kids at the same time, gives me devil status.

I love my friends kids even though they are the loudest children I have ever come across. When my darling Sammy (8 years old) farted very close to my face (he was perched on the sofa arm eating strawberries) and I didn't faint with the shock, I realised that I must be getting ready to cope with the children I hope lie in my future. When Sammy told me he's been playing kiss chase at school (there's only one girl in his class), I had to try to keep a straight face, which quickly crumpled when J (11 years old) piped up that Sammy was a queer. The bossy side of me recovered itself and I told J to shut it and not to say such things. As it turns out, Sammy's not being kissed by boys because apparently he ducks out of the way and they crash into the wall. Hilarious!

I didn't sleep too great last night and my ears are still recovering from Sammy having a hissy fit whilst being semi-naked during the drive to the school bus. Fortunately he decided to dress himself at the last moment but not before calling his mum a 'Big damn gay'. Hmmmm..

I found myself having to defend my private life almost as soon as I got to work when B informed me that I was the victim of a malicious rumour. Apparently I'm screwing a friend of mine whose marriage has just broken up and this rumour has started on the basis that we swap the occasional email and haven't seen each other for months. Being overtired, not only did I see red, but I also bawled out the messenger as well. I have cleared things up with the person who told B, but it never ceases to amaze me how childish people can be.

Is it not possible for me to be friends with a guy without me trying to screw them? Why can't people accept that not all male/female friendships are a warm up to a good f*ck? Why is it that people see the sexual undertones in platonic friendships? I can't sniff in the direction of a guy without people thinking I'm trying to get his pants down. I really do think that people project their own poor attitudes on people to draw their conclusions.

I went for a drink with the male best friend after work and it was nice. It seems such a distance from how we used to be, but we both recognise that it's been a difficult period in our friendship. He says that he does not want to lose me as a friend and knows that it will take time to build up the friendship again. For now, it seems that all is not lost, and that hopefully, one day we can be proper close friends again. I think he feels that he has no clue what is happening in my life and this fustrates him, as we used to talk about everything. I filled him in a bit on the family stuff and he was supportive, but it was weird telling him about it 2 weeks after it all started.

Anyway, I'm going to veg for the evening and be lazy as f*ck. Woo hoo! I'll definitely go out tomorrow night, but I can barely keep my eyes open right now. I've got a 3 month check up on Monday and I'm conscious of being in good form instead of feeling mashed. Hopefully at this check up I'll be told that the lumps in my chest are reducing and they can initiate the gradual weaning off the steroids over the next 3 months. I want to believe that the end is in sight, but I'm scared of being too optimistic and excited. But I am positive.

Has anybody noticed that comments can't be made on blogger today? Verrrry frustrating!

Time to Laugh

Sometimes I totally do not get the male sense of humour. My ex used to drive me insane by saying stuff, pissing me off, and then once I was annoyed I’d suddenly hear that it was a joke and have to be all funny ha ha, when I felt like being funny well f*ck you then. A male friend made a joke over the past few days, but I thought I had upset him. Feeling worried about my poor male friend, I apologised profusely with an email, only to then discover that it was all a joke. I’m still in good spirits from being on my break and not in a PMT mood so fortunately I can see the funny side of his joke and didn’t take it to heart.

Hot Tip: Guys, when it’s a joke, act like it’s a joke!

Also, why is it then when women tell men a problem, they completely miss the point, jump onto something obscure out of the conversation and make you feel like a gimp? I had a conversation with a certain male regarding my frustration with something from work as I felt that I was bashing my head against a brick wall at times and wanted to be certain that I’m getting the opportunities I should be. This certain male somehow comes to the conclusion that I need to be made to feel important and starts telling me that he’s not sure what else he can say or do to make me feel important. I had to cut him off and correct him. I don’t need someone patting me on the back and licking my arse, so it is far from being about made to feel important. Sometimes people need to clarify pieces of information. Sometimes women like to get things off their chests just to clear their heads. Men, this does not mean that you come up with a half arsed interpretation of the conversation and it doesn’t mean that you have to come up with a solution because your genes tell you that everything needs to be fixed by a man. BT say it’s good to talk, I say it’s good to bloody listen, especially if you can listen without jumping in and trying to be the solution to everything.

I’m off to another girls night this evening. I’ve been having a lot of time around the ladies recently, which is great, but I think I’ll try to spend some time around testosterone filled males at some point over the next few days.

Selfish is as selfish does

I'm still feeling in quite good spirits despite a crash back to reality via the first day back at work and trying to sort out some of the family stuff. It's amazing what a few days escape can do and I must have a few more breaks over the course of the year and remember to take time out and not get too bogged down with work and other peoples problems.

It's difficult it seems, to try to lead as best a life as possible and pursue your dreams and goals, without being seen as selfish. I'm told by my friends (maybe they're brown-nosing?!) that I'm one of the most unselfish people they know, yet I learnt this week that my own family regard me as selfish and spoilt. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do with this peace of knowledge. I haven't lived at home for any extended period for almost eight years and haven't needed to rely on them for very much within the same period, yet somehow I'm selfish and spoilt. Apparently I do my own thing and I'm spoilt because they have given me gifts when I was at university without my asking. Er, ok........

Should I make a donation to charity? Should I make a donation to them? Should I allow everybody's sh*t to drag me down so that they can feel that I am not being selfish?

For whatever reason, I've always been self-reliant. As the oldest of four children (the others are boys), I had eighteen months to be a child, and it was felt that I didn't need to be molly-coddled, and fussed over as much because I was clever and instinctively got on with things, and was very much a coper (practice makes perfect). This means that I wasn't hugged up all the time and shrouded in a parental glow of fussiness. All of the others needed it more, and I have never and still don't feel upset about it. You can't change what you haven't had and what bloody good would parental fussiness do for me now t almost 28 years of age? If me being self reliant (translate to selfish) is a problem, don't they need to look to where that came from? I had no choice but to grow up very friggin quickly. I've been a responsible child since I was 18 months and thank f*ck that my character could cope with it.

As a child we all have very little, if any, control over much of what happens to us. It is only as adults that we can take control of our lives and if we are strong enough, or invest in good therapy (I don't) then you don't allow things from your past to hold you back too much. After all as adults we can make choices and say f*ck it to the stuff from the past and move into the future, with the lessons learnt.

So whilst I am in good spirits, I am also getting in touch with who I am and what makes me tick because I have no intention of courting discussions on who I am and defending myself forever more, to those that profess to care about me so much.

Now, I hate to be selfish, but I've got to eat. My stomach is rumbling like a muther!

Budapest Girly Fest

My mystery destination was a health spa in Budapest and whilst I can't claim that Budapest is the most amazing destination on earth, I had a fabulous time with my girls. I think that we are the loudest, boisterous people that the country has ever come across and it will probably take away for them to recover!

I knew that we were going to be a handful when we succeeded in making the poor air steward laugh whilst she was trying to do her flight safety demo. We were all in stitches as she was walking like she had been given a good seeing to the night before and looked like she had rolled from the bed to plane. For some reason we thought this was hilarious and couldn't stop snickering.

Everybody started pissing themselves laughing when one of my friends loudly announced that she had let her bikini line grow into a bush because she was grooming it for a bikini wax. It was like tumbleweeds on the plane, followed by raucous laughter. We all flirted insanely with the air steward, mostly just for the hell of it, and little did we know was that he would be the one and only piece of totty that we would see all weekend.

The nightclubs and bars were all very alternative music/rock/techno bars so we decided to stay at the hotel and drink late into the nights. The filthiest conversations ever were held over this weekend and obviously what goes on tour, stays on tour, but highlights include:

6 shocked expressions as my main cohort and I explained that we don't want to be ridden ragged for hours on end because we're afraid of cystitis, kidney infections and being left in a painful heap.

A massive debate on why it's stupid to fake it. I'm not faking it for anyone by the way.

Me and the usual suspects moonwalking and doing the running man at inappropriate times.

One of my friends accidentally ordering porn within 20 minutes of arriving at the hotel. It cost the equivalent of £15 and I had to demand that they remove it from her bill. Apparently it was some serious hardcore sh*t. One of the girls said we should have raced to the room and maxed it out. Another announced that there was no point in us watching the porn because she wouldn't be able to have sex afterwards. That was the cue for everyone to choke on their food.

I accidentally touched my masseurs willy! He was at the foot end of the bed and leaning into it as he pummeled my back when I felt something squidgy on my toe for about 2/3 seconds. I quickly moved it....... yeuch.

Me telling off some old woman for telling me off for opening the steam room door. She was incredibly rude so I let her have it. It really gets on my last nerve when people don't mind their own business. She ended up apologising in the end.

Sitting in the sauna and trying not to get a fit of the giggles as women who were obviously having various cosmetic surgeries done (they do everything at the spa) paraded funny looking beavers (front bottoms), and lay in all sorts of awkward positions that we enabling us to see them in a very awkward light.

Talking to various guests who had blatantly overdone it with the cosmetic surgery and having to compliment them. Think permanent smiling expression with permanent eye make up and permanent lipstick.

I've had a great few days of female bonding and chilling out. There is nothing like spending a few raucous days with women to remind you of the good things in life. I didn't know 3 of the girls at all yet I know that I've now added some more friends to my crew. It was difficult at times having 8 strong willed characters away and there were a few arguments, or as my friend calls them 'debates' but it was fun. I think it's difficult to take 8 women anywhere without some form of argument, but we were all secure enough to say how we felt and move on without fear of falling out. Fortunately I had no disagreements with anyone and God help anyone who would've tried! ;-)

Budapest is nice place to go and excape for a few days, but for us R&B queens it was lacking in nightlife. The shops and prices were abysmal and not the third of US prices that we had heard about and that was a major no no for me. I really enjoyed the spa's chilled atmosphere and the crispy snowy surroundings. I'm not a big fan of the cold, but nobody could fail to enjoy the snowy appeal of spa. Apparently Budapest is now a major centre for spa's and cosmetic surgery, so people from all over are flocking over there. (We paid £191 for flights, hotel and half board, which included a 20 minute massage and a gym class) We weren't keen on the manner of the hotel staff at all but apparently the general manner is a bit abrupt out there. Quite a few people complained about the attitude of the locals but when you put that aside, in terms of a relaxing break, it's difficult to fault the place.

I had no headaches whilst I was away and shed no tears as I really did put aside the sh*t that's been bothering me recently and focused on enjoying myself. Unfortunately on my return I had to have an awkward conversation with my mother, which subsequently brought on a headache. I now realise that my headaches are anxiety/stress related and I'm going to start doing my meditation CD again.

I've had a day off today (we got back last night) and it's gone by in a blur of daytime TV, reading and grocery shopping. I spent a couple of hours reading my diaries from when I was thirteen to about sixteen this morning in an attempt to find out about myself and whether there are clues to how I feel about certain aspects of my life now. It was an eye opener, but I also realised that I was boy crazy and constantly on the look out for love. I wonder if I have changed that much.........

My new skirt arrived today that I won on eBay last week and I'm going to spend some time checking the virtual rails. Must go. My wallet is screaming for me.

Girls Weekend Ahoy

Once again I'm off on my travels, except this time I'm going with seven women who are just as mad as I am.(They claim I'm the maddest but I swear I'm not!) For some reason I feel like being mysterious about where I am off to, but what I will say is that it is at least four f*cking degrees celcius (!!!!) colder than England, and that I intend to have a fabulous weekend of girlieness. Apparently the shops are great and the prices so cheap they're about a third of U.S$ prices! I sense my cards are going to take a battering over the next few days.
I have packed my clothes and despite the best of efforts, I feel like I may have packed too much. Including what I have on, I have packed:

3 pairs of jeans
2 pairs of boots
6 bras, 6 knickers (1 for each day and night plus a spare.)
3 cardigans
2 denim skirts
5 day tops (I don't have a reason for this number)
3 night tops (1 extra in case I can't make up my mind)
vest and pyjama bottoms (women do not run around naked on holiday, especially in sub zero temperatures)
1 belt
6 pairs of socks and 2 pairs of tights
An assortment of cosmetics
Small handbag for evenings

And that excludes everything I put in my large handbag, which included items:
iPod
Digital Camera
Normal Camera
iPod charger
book
medication
2 tubes of Juicy Lancome lip gloss
passport
2 mobile phones

I popped out to run some errands and wandered into Primark , which is brilliant for basic bargains that you can mix with the expensive gear. Despite only leaving the house to get some tights, birthday card and deoderant, I came back with a skirt and 5 tops, plus the tights. Oh dear......

Fortunately it all came to £32.50! Woo hoo!

I had another moment of madness and was tempted to start dancing to Disco Inferno by The Tramps, as I walked home from the shops listening to my iPod. I think I need to go to a nightclub and dance of this nervous energy....

I am now going to frantically finish packing my handbag and head out to meet the girls where we're going to start the weekend away early. Have a great weekend all of you and back soon! Burn baby burn, disco inferno......

Stop! Hammertime.

I was out with a few of the guys from work this evening, which was a laugh, but I left there reeking of smoke and feeling really crummy. It was only as I was showering the fag smoke off myself that I realised that it's four years since I gave up smoking next week. I can't believe sometimes, that I used to smoke because it seems like a completely foreign concept. Even if I wanted to smoke now, I couldn't due to my illness, so I'm lucky that I didn't have to go cold turkey when I got ill.

I'm in a good mood because I'm not back to work until Wednesday. I'm on a girlie weekend away from Saturday (I will tell all on my return) and I am using the other days to chill out and sort out some things that I have been putting off. I had to change the voicemail on my phone before I left work and it took eleven bloody tries. A few of the times I said f*ck in fustration in my message, and I instantly regretted trying to be organised.

I had a couple of difficult conversations last night with family and then with the male best friend, and it caused me to miss the beginning of Jamies Dinners and the last half of Desperate Housewives. Admittedly a few tears were shed, but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I work so hard at getting on with things and not getting bogged down, or letting people get to me, that when I stop for a moment, or I speak to the people involved about the various situations, it hits me like a sledge hammer. (Please note that I didn't cry because I didn't watch my TV programmes in full!)

I realised today that I have spent my whole life being strong and putting my true feelings on the back burner so that I don't end up feeling hurt, and nobody thinks I can't cope. I know other friends, who like me, are perceived as being copers, and people forget that we have feelings, needs and fears too. Because I don't do damsel in distress very well, it is always assumed that I'll be okay no matter what is thrown at me. I have become quite programmed at dealing with things that hurt or bother me, and I think I may need to try and identify with my hurt more. And then the natural cynical part of me thinks 'F*ck this for a game of soldiers. Who needs pain?'

I was walking home tonight and MC Hammers 'You Can't Touch This' came on my iPod, and there was an overwhelming temptation to start doing the dance (you all know the one) right there and then in the road. How silly would I have looked doing the running man on a busy main road, or 'hammertiming' my way down the street haphazardly!? I resisted the urge, but I did wonder if I was losing my mind for a moment!

Friends - They're bloody good to have

I have managed to avoid having any major calamities today. The only blip was that I had been in work for about half an hour and was chatting away to B, looked down for some reason and discovered that my fly was down! I'd like to think it just went down when I sat down but there is a possibility that I may have left my flat, got the tube and walked to work with my fly down. Great.........

I had dinner with a male friend last night. It was fun and good company, but John and Nice think that I am naive and that my male friend is trying to get into my knickers. There is nothing that I can say to defend myself against this, so I've tuned them out. I have always had male friends and have quite a few, and I'm adult enough to be friends with someone without envisioning them giving me a good seeing to. Why can't they be? I refuse to allow them to turn a lovely evening into something seedy with sexual overtones. It is good to have both male and female friends, and being able to build friendships with the opposites sex gives a good foundation for understanding the various members of the opposite sex dotted around your life. If it wasn't for the fact that I had male friends in the first place, I would have always considered myself to be conceited or paranoid if I suspected a male friend had hidden motives. Thanks to them I'm wise enough to have a sense of awareness, but on this occasion they need to shut their gobs!

B and I went for dinner in Wagamama's this evening and had our usual girlie chinwag which consists of putting the world to rights on the men in our lives, work and any other shenanigans. Strangely enough I didn't dwell on my current drama's for very long and we had a good laugh as stuffed our faces full of noodles. Mind you, if I keep going out for these dinners where people want to cheer me up, I'm going to start feeling it around the tummy!

I've been in pretty good spirits, but I haven't had a chance to dwell too much as I have become obsessed with Ebay (lots of clothes on the cheap! woo hoo!), and my playlists on my iPod. Oh, and of course, I spent the whole day working......

I think the great thing for me to remember is that I am very fortunate because I have such a lot of support in times of need. Not everybody has lots of people to turn to when sh*t hits the fan. I remember when I broke up with my ex fiance and the friendship and support that I experienced was just unreal. I've seen people down and out without people to turn to. I do recognise how lucky I am. There are always people in your life that will not only rain on your parade, but sh*t on it too, but touch wood, that there will always be people around us who can make you laugh and smile and tell you to stick to fingers at the curve balls that life throws you.

I have to go. I need to pay attention to Jamies School Dinners , and get into bed for Desperate Housewives .

Clumsy or jinxed

I'm just back after an evening with a friend at a new private members club in Covent Garden. I spent a lovely evening catching up over dinner and soft drinks in lovely swanky surroundings (think leather floors and leather detail on the walls) and for this evening anyway, it felt like my problems were a million miles away. Whilst I can't claim that I feel marvellous and everything has been fixed, I don't feel awful either and I realise that over the past few days that I have made the best decisions based on how I feel now and how I would like my life to be in the future. There's no escaping the hurt and pain I do feel but this is a time for introspection and for me to focus on doing things that I have either put off or not even started because my head space was elsewhere.

I'm hoping that this period of bad luck is over, but a few things have happened which either don't bode well, or are an indicator that I'm back to being the relatively clumsy cow that I normally am:

Sat on toilet seat this morning and fell off because the screw (or whatever it is called) has broken...again. Note to self: Need to get replacement toilet seat as I don't like seating precariously.

Walking to the tube station in the rain and got splashed by a bastard lorry, stuck my fingers up at him and then fell off the pavement edge.

Walking along the tube platform feeling rather dignified and then had a slight slip in the FMB's (F*ck Me Boots) because the floor was wet. Fortunately I managed to look like it wasn't really a fall, I hope.

I tripped over my work laptop power adaptor a few days ago and nearly snotted myself on the cabinet. I thought everything was fine, but I noticed that I have made the mini plug a bit wonky. As Shaggy said, It wasn't me.........

I'm a danger to myself sometimes. Oh dear......