Inappropriate Monday

There is a guy that I called The Most Beautiful Guy in the World and recently he was at a funeral and when he saw my close friend Lu, the first thing he said was "Is NML here?" I cracked up laughing when I heard but then realised how ridiculously inappropriate it was for him to be asking about me at the funeral. I can't help but be a little bit pleased (OK a lot) but he's someone to admire from afar as he has a girlfriend. I have however been invited to a ball in a couple of weekends though and he may be attending. I don't think there's any law against me having a drool and a dance...

My first full day of singledom was...no big deal. I was barely with him in the first place, but he hasn't stopped my nosey colleagues from badgering me about him. You can't say jack sh*t in my place as it leaks like a sieve. What the hell is wrong with them? These people need to get a life! You'd swear I've got horns and a tail! They all looked so sympathetic whereas I just think it's rather entertaining. Am I on crack?

I had to do a slight jog to the bus stop this morning in my FMB's and puffball skirt (short version) and I was wondering why everyone was looking at me funny when I got on the bus, but the front of the skirt had ridden up a touch too far. Oh dear....

My boss has been off for a week and come back to me bending the ear off him to sort out a little tete a tete I had. I caught a glimpse myself and felt sorry for the poor guy as I either had my hands on my hips or I was gesticulating wildly. At least I didn't stamp my foot which is what I do when I get annoyed with my mum.

I woke up this morning to the news that 'ole David Blunkett (Labour politician with a selective memory) has had yet another moment of selective memory and forgotten to tell an advisory committee that he was taking a directors job, albeit for 2 weeks. I don't do politics on here, but I couldn't help but think that men really are funny creatures. They hear what they want to hear, remember what they want to remember, can't multi-task for their lives, are led by their dicks and think that they can get away with everything by giving macho stern explanations. My boss gave me stern explanation today and I pooh pooh'd it and that was the end of that. I bet he wishes he stayed at home...

Send In The Clowns

Only I would 'break up' with someone (and I use this term loosely) and then minutes later as I relay the conversation to M sing that song 'Another One Bites the Dust' and then make that wrong answer noise that quiz shows make.

Whilst I appreciate everyone's point of view regarding my brief saga with the man in question, I decided in the end that I needed to follow my gut. It is all too easy to go along with people so that you end up 'doing the right thing' but what about doing the right thing for me? Sometimes when people are getting themselves into a flap over me finishing it with someone, I wonder if they think that I'm going to be a spinster if I don't 'settle'. Is it their fears for me, or is it their own insecurity about that perceived situation i.e what they would feel like if they were, God forbid, single.

For all of my straight talking ways, one of the times in life when I clam up is when I have to have a 'conversation' with a guy, which is how I've ended up with a guy for much longer than I should have been. In the quest to overcome my illness and recognising that there is emotional stuff for me to work on, I am trying to be honest about how I feel about things, which means that someone, somewhere does get the sh*tty end of the stick.

I was a touch bemused by the fact that he claimed that he had known 'something' was up for a week and sensed that it 'might' have something to do with the night he stayed over, but he just wasn't quite sure. I sent him a text on Friday apologising for being distant and promising to discuss with him why...and he took 24 hours to respond to it. I'm sure that I was at the top of his thoughts! There was no "Hey beautiful" or "Hey pretty" tonight, and instead "Hello NML". After the initial chit chat, I cut to the point and explained that I wasn't happy with what took place on the Friday because despite spelling it out for him and establishing boundaries, he ignored them once he got back to my place and it p*ssed me off. He played Mr Agreeable before he got to my flat yet once he was excited, he suddenly doesn't seem to understand what the hell I have said to him and is doing the opposite. As usual, there was clarity about the workings of the male mind:

"Well NML, I think that I got myself confused because you had mentioned that you had thought that it had taken a while for me to kiss you." and I restrained the urge to laugh. "I said kiss not screw me!"

And you see this is why I do as the blog title goes, get tired of men. They hear what they want to hear, or should I say, they hear what the penis wants to hear. Because I made that throwaway comment, does it mean that he should go from 0-60 mph in a matter of moments? Does it mean that he should cut out foreplay and attempt to ride me? What is wrong with this clown?

"I guess my thinking and my judgment got clouded by my excitement. I wasn't really understanding."
"Well what was to understand? I'd already told you that I didn't want to be doing it before we got to the flat. I didn't invite you back, leave it ambiguous, get you going and then tell you."

He did apologise profusely and he said he realised how much he had f*cked up. I accepted and acknowledged that I shouldn't have tempted fate by inviting him back and then told him that it was best that we don't see each other again. To be honest, I feel relieved.

Don't get me wrong, I would like to meet a guy and I want him to be nice, but I'm not going to develop amnesia about some of the things that I need in a relationship. I need someone who can hear properly and who's penis doesn't literally think for him, and I want someone assertive who can challenge me mentally before he tries to poke his hard-on at me.

So I'm single again. Send in the clowns...

Friday Night Agro

I woke up about forty minutes ago as I thought that I had to leave for my hair appointment an hour later, although this didn't stop me from having a quick check of my email. Fortunate really, as I realised that the bloody clocks had gone back last night.

I spent my Friday night in one of London's supposedly finest nightclubs, but was more than a little disconcerted to spot what looked like a hell of a lot of kids, i.e. barely 18. This is the joy of going out during half term as it likes a return to school days as I think bouncers lose a sense of accessing who is 'suitable' for entry. Fortunately I know how to have a good time when I'm out but unfortunately it didn't come without me getting into a couple of arguments.

We were dancing and I felt this guy elbow me in my back. When he did it a third time, I turned and told him to stop it, so you can imagine my disgust when the pathetic, immature little git not only continued to do it, but he got his mate to join in and they were completely taking the piss. I swung around to face them and I haven't felt so angry in a while.

"Don't. Do. That. Again."
"We're just having a laugh" he said winking at his mate and they both started making faces at me.
"Do you see me laughing? Get the f*ck out of my face now before I have the bouncers bounce your arses out of here. Now f*ck off" and I'm in full NML mode with hands on my hips.
"What did you just say to me?" and now he's not grinning anymore.
"I told you to f*ck off. Oh and by the way, I can always have them check your ID out when I have a word with the bouncers" Strangely enough, both of them made a rapid exit.

A while later, two 'girls' came along and just kept edging back into me until they had practically pushed me up to the wall, so I tapped her on the shoulder.
"Yes?" she said looking more than a touch arrogant.
"I just thought I'd mention: I know it's a little bit dark and everything, but I am here. I can still be seen...." I know I was bitchy but I was driving the point home. Her whole face flushed up in embarrassment after the initial moment of confusion. I relayed what I'd said to the girls and they were howling with laughter, just as she obviously relayed what I'd said to her pals and they all gave me dirty looks, but they did move on.

I have not seen the type of people that I saw on Friday since my student union days and we had a guy empty his drink all over the floor and on my friends trousers on purpose, someone else stand practically on her and push her back into the wall despite repeated warnings to get lost and the constant bum pinching and back poking. When we were at uni this was funny, but now it's just unpleasant. I wonder if I'm getting old....

Next episode: This evening I'll be finishing things with the guy that needs a map for my body...

The Prodigy

Over the past few days I've been reminiscing privately about my teenage years which were spent in Dublin and it's all been caused by the purchase of The Prodigy: Their Law, which is a collection of their hits from the past 15 years. Ireland was crazy about The Prodigy and they remind me of some of the most brilliant and carefree times of my life. All of the early 90's tracks or my absolute favourite No Good bring back memories of being a prodigy dancer or a 'raver', snogging at the disco's, and continuously breaking up with my first boyfriend. I have a suspicion that there are a lot of people about my age getting a serious does of nostalgia due to this CD although my ex is probably shedding tears or giving me a two fingered salute! I'm still known in my village as 'that one' that broke his heart and we broke up 9 years ago!

I danced my way though my teens at the various discos that my poor stepfather had to come and collect me from in the middle of the night and I often kept him waiting whilst I had a cheeky snog! When I was 16, I danced for a dance group (we so wanted to be The Prodigy) who got into the top 10 of the Irish dance chart and in true rock and roll fashion, left my first boyfriend to run off with the leader, who in turn eventually ran off with the other girl that I danced with. I was so heartbroken (not) that I spent the next few months playing the field but eventually went back to the first boyfriend (the first of 14 occasions) because he met someone.

My first boyfriend was also quite a good dancer, so we would almost be a party piece at the discos or dance on stage together, although being a prima donna, I preferred having the stage to myself. I have no idea where I got the energy from to dance so energetically, because when I attempted to do it in the flat the other day, it was much frigging harder. I don't know if it was because I didn't have my mojo a few days ago or just because, I'm much older! I also thought I was going to give myself a black eye because my boobs must be bigger than they were then..... Have I mentioned that I danced on stage with Leroy and Maxim to 'Out of Space' in front of 10,000 people at a concert? I was totally able to keep up with them and show them a few moves of my own!

It's funny but when I think back to those times or listen to The Prodigy, I feel like I'm that teenage raver all over again and that I'm just starting out. Back then, the onset of my sarcoidosis was 8 years away and so were the string of funny but disastrous relationships. I didn't have to worry about work, bills, or very much really.

Yet as I feel a little bit more energetic each day and a sense of calm settles within me, I still feel that I'm having a fab time with life. Admittedly when I had terrible chest pain today and put my head on my desk to chase the pain away, I felt doubtful for a moment, but I think that things can only get better. I may not be a teen anymore that doesn't worry about this stupid illness etc, but I'm doing a damn good 28. I'd rather take my chances than not live.

We fear taking risks in life because we fear failure, rejection, the unknown, but what type of life will we lead if we don't take chances? Yes sometimes we balls it up, but imagine if you knew exactly what was going to happen to you everyday, how much friggin fun would that be? What I'm doing career wise has bugged me over these past few months but I've made the decision to pursue my dreams and since I have, work doesn't bug me and I'm enjoying it because I know where I'm headed. Raving, that's where! Just joking....

The Heart Hopes, It Takes Flight...It Crash Lands

So I've had a rummage around (not the type of rummage that my date attempted) and I am still unable to get back whatever good feeling I had about my date. I spoke with him this evening and it wasn't as awkward as it was on Sunday, but it's still weird, or maybe it's just me who's weird. Is it wrong for me to get irritated by the fact that he didn't say my name and instead says "Hey pretty" and "Hey beautiful"? He did this on Sunday too and whilst I'm not saying that he can't be complimentary, when something is said over and over again and is used as a replacement for my name, it loses all meaning. The conversation was pleasant and he said that he missed seeing me and hearing my laugh but whatever good feeling there was and easiness has disappeared on my side.

But is it just the dodgy bed antics? A bit of soul searching and a chat with B earlier in the week revealed that there may are some other things at force. Is it possible that there is a part of me that likes the idea of just being involved? Am I dating this guy because everyone said that I should give this quiet guy a chance and that I'm too picky? Do I just like a good bit of blog fodder? I'm joking about that last question!

This is me being completely truthful: For the best part of two days, I was on a high after I kissed this guy, more than a little surprised at how lovely a kiss it had been. I believed and had a bit of a daydream, that maybe, just maybe, I had found a guy who I could go out with for a while. The daydreams were of fun filled, happy times with this 'nice' guy and it seemed possible that someone who is completely and utterly different to me in personality, attitude, and expects me to be the fire and excitement of the relationship, could be perfect for me. Most of it revolved around companionship and the togetherness that having a significant other brings.

In order for me to pursue dating this guy, I need to put aside my natural instincts and some of my personal likes and dislikes. I want to be challenged mentally, physically and emotionally, but we lack that spark in each of these areas. What changed everything was a kiss made my legs wobble. He was lovely to go out with and a lot of that stems from the fact that he's so nice, but does that mean that I should be with him?

I was fascinated and quite charmed by being out with this shy, nice, reserved guy and I distinctly remember saying to myself as I looked at him across the dinner on our second date "Gosh he's just so nice and that's a good thing. Just enjoy it." It was a refreshing change and I enjoyed it for the little period that I had it, but there was an unease as I felt it was too good to be true that he could be so perfectly nice in all areas. And no matter what is said, everything came down with a big crash when I foolishly invited him back for dinner and to stay over for some 15 rated fun. I even wonder whether I invited him back so I could bring things to a head and discover if there really was something there between us or whether he wasn't so 'nice' in other areas?

Much as I love living on my own and I have a great life, it's become clear that there is a part of me that obviously wants to have a significant other. I don't mean in a desperate way, I mean in the way that you go on a few dates with someone and rightly or wrongly, your heart hopes. It doesn't mean that I'm not happy with myself or that I hate being single, it just means that I'm human and I want to feel my heart fill and soar with the feelings of discovering that you may just be onto something with that special someone. In the meantime, I think my time of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole will be coming to an end soon....

Teachers Pet - The Willy or The Mouse

Spoke with my date from Friday night on Sunday evening and it seems that we've returned to the land of stilted conversations. Let's just say that the atmosphere was as stiff as his dick on Friday night...... We didn't talk about anything in particular and he seemed oblivious to my lack of moho (worrying) and referred to me as 'beautiful' and 'pretty' in replacement of my name. The phrase "All talk no action" springs to mind. I need a bit of a breather and fortunately I am completely up to my eyes at the moment between work and Baggage Reclaim, that I can put him to the back of mind. I'll probably meet up with him at the weekend...during the day...

What do you do when you discover that one of England's most well known footballers is standing less than a metre away from you waiting to pay for food at Nando's? Well I debated with M for a few moments as to who the hell he was, realised that it was in fact David James, our goalkeeper in Euro 2004 who I defended for his cock ups based mostly on the fact that he was fabulous eye candy, and then discussed in hushed tones the fact that he's not very hot stuff at all in real life. We did all of this whilst ignoring Lu who was going nuts at the table where she waiting for us. I'm disappointed that he isn't hot totty....sometimes people are better left on TV....

Chaos broke out just yesterday just after 10am when Male Best Friend spotted a mouse/rat and everyone went nuts. OK, mostly the girls went nuts and the guys laughed their heads off. That was of course until the bloody thing ran under one of the lads desks. I've never seen a man leave a room so quickly! Apparently the comedy moment was when I realised that I was huddled on top of the filing cabinet. Don't ask me how I got there, all I know is that it felt safe and it was instinct.

I don't have to worry about clearing the cobwebs away because my mojo is back and I cannot deny that I feel relieved. I may not be the type of woman who gets herself off when noone else is around to do it, but I like the comfort of knowing that I am still capable of feeling something. I spent over two days thinking that my bits had gone numb, but it just turns out that my body is engaging in quality control. It seems that the knead my nipples like playdough and the jab my bits like pin the tail on the donkey game falls short of the mark.

As for the teaching that has been suggested, I won't disregard it as an idea, but I have to ask myself, do I want to teach a 31 year old man how to do the basics? I am tired! Dating is hard enough without having to actually teach someone what to do when it gets beyond kissing!

You see this is why I keep saying to women that they shouldn't fake it and they should speak up when the guy is repeatedly doing something that they don't like, because it's women like me who have to pick up the bloody pieces and do a serious amount of 'correction' afterwards. Right, I'm off to do a lesson plan! Just joking...

Let's Be Frank: Wake Me Up Before You Go Go To Hit My Jackpot

Sometimes, when you don't spell it out in the name of trying to be private and not wanting to sound like a numpty, things come across the wrong way. I've done this post in response to the comments from yesterday, which I must agree were fair and right, even the ones that weren't agreeing with me.

When I said he could stay over and made clear the barriers, what I actually said and meant was, lets have a good time but leave actual penetrative sex off the menu (Jaysus, can't believe I still snicker at he word 'penetrative'). I wasn't naive enough to expect or want us to get into bed and have him give me a few kisses and then fall asleep. I just felt that 'going all the way' didn't have to be on the cards.

The guy went from 0-60 metaphorically speaking in about 1 minute flat. There was no finesse, and it seemed that in his 31 years someone, including his ex, had neglected to mention that that FOREPLAY is needed in order for a women to get turned on. There may be women that go all moist at the sight of the male species, but I am not one of them.

Likewise, I don't get turned on by a perfunctory tweak of my nipples, followed by a clumsy jab of the fingers in my bits. If I was a lot younger and inexperienced, I might have let it slip by, but I have bloody standards! I think that I am quite small down there, so it adds insult to injury, when someone who doesn't know the rules of the road tries to hit the jackpot and tries to have sex with me. I was drier than the f*cking Sahara!

Now I know that men are men and it doesn't matter how nice they have been, they get turned on, they like sex, they are controlled by their dicks, but it is not an excuse to put shit foreplay my way, followed by repeated attempts to f*ck me by slivering all over me like an out of control, uncontrolled Kevin The Teenager/excitable puppy.

I don't think that saying we can have a great time minus actual sex is giving mixed signals. I spelled it out in black and white and I really don't believe that everybody who has ever got in a bed with someone they are sexually attracted to, has had sex immediately.

I know he's going to try it and to be fair, most guys would, but to be shit with it as well? Let's be honest: If, and I say if he had actually had some finesse, some technique, some oomph about him and had actually attempted to turn me on, isn't is possible that all boundaries may have gone out the window?

I have spent the past couple of days in Austin Power mode thinking that I had lost my mojo. Seriously. Then I went for lunch with B, had a bitch and we talked about past encounters/attraction, including MBF, and now the mojo is back.

Got a bit worried though when B said 'Well maybe you've just been spoilt by good sex, good foreplay.'

Spoilt? What is the world coming to?????!!!!!

I Thought I'd Lost My Mojo but I Just Want 'Him' to Be Different

I spent yesterday convinced that I'm crazy, or just seriously f*cked up, but lots of conversations with M have helped me to pinpoint what the hell is bugging me (God she's so patient and wise) and I've also realised that I'm not the only woman to feel like this. Thank f*ck because I was seriously thinking that I'd have to go to Selfridges and have a spot of retail therapy to make myself feel better. Bear with me - I will try to be as coherent as possible.

How is it that I can have a fab date with someone, have great chemistry when he kisses me and then in one moment it switches off and hasn't returned yet? I've lost my f*cking mojo! I met up with him after work, we laughed and chatted as we held hands and walked through the Friday throng to the bowling alley. We were like silly teenagers as we fawned around each other in between bowls and my usual naughty competitive self didn't get upset when he beat me. After getting ripped off (bowling in London is hideously expensive for what you get), we walked around for a bit and then I decided to bite the bullet and invite him back for dinner.

We listened to Jaheim as we tucked into what he described as very good restaurant cooking (I'll make a good wife one day!) and I collected on his win from earlier by beating his arse at Pro Evolution Soccer on my PS2. As an aside I must mention that it is unbelievable the amount of guys that are shocked by me not only liking the PS2 but the fact that I'm good at Pro Evo! Anyway, I digress!

The chemistry was great and as we kissed and canoodled, I thought that things were going brilliantly. I had decided that he could stay over but had made clear about the boundaries and he was perfectly fine saying that he wouldn't want me to do anything I didn't want to do. Unfortunately it was getting into bed where things went completely pearshaped.

I've gone out about how nice, shy and reserved he is, yet in the bedroom he became 'Every Other Guy™' and it was like having an overexcited puppy in the bed. I felt the mojo seeping out of me (not literally). It took three times for me to drum home to him that there was no sex on the menu and then I had gone off the idea of having a '15' rated evening, turned away and accidentally fell asleep! He was all kissy and starting to get overexcited again in the morning, but it didn't make any difference because the mojo hadn't returned. I felt like I shouldn't have brought him home but thought I could because we're supposed to be adults, even though he'd turned into randy teenager.

It only got worse after we got up as he was back to his usual 'nice' self and seemed very comfortable on my sofa. Unfortunately all I could think about was having my place back to myself. I was really antsy for an hour and half and made up a story about having to meet up with my friend. This part wasn't a reflection on him though as I was like this with The Contender. It's not that I don't want to be with someone, but living on my own seems to have made it difficult for me to share my space and I could not get him out the door fast enough.

This is why I think I lost my mojo though: I allowed myself to believe, albeit for a small period of time that it was possible that I had met an all-round nice guy. He is sweet, shy, reserved, makes me laugh and is 'nice' and I had thought that it was going to translate into the bedroom. Maybe I was being naive, but I had thought that I would be romanced and wooed. I wasn't expecting him to morph into 'Every Other Guy™' as his brain, I mean willy got overexcited. Where was my beauty then? Where was my intelligence or the fact that he claims that I make him laugh a lot? I think something just shut down.

What the f*ck is wrong with me? Every other guy who I've been with has tried to shag me so what's the big frickin deal? Why am I being the bitch in heels over this one when all he's done is do what the others do? Because I want someone to be different that's why.

Do Guys Have a Sixth Sense?

I've been in great spirits after my date last night and nothing has been able to pierce my good mood, even though I have had both Male Best Friend and Dot Dot Dot Man (formally The Contender) being 'extra' attentive. I've often remarked on the male instinct which is to act more interested as soon as we mentally start to withdraw from them. It's as if there is another homing device hidden in their willies which says "Deflate your weapon and act attentive. Target is moving away." Is there something that changes in female behaviour even when they think that they have only mentally withdrawn, or do men actually have a sixth sense for knowing when their chips are down?

I have to see Male Best Friend every day because we work for the same company, which could be so awkward but actually isn't. We still get on brilliantly and the enormous attraction that seemed to be so palpable to the entire building has dimmed. He's still in his 'situation' and I am doing my own thing and happier for it. I never wanted to be in love with somebody else's guy as I'm shit at sharing and like 99.9% of humans, I despise rejection. When I got back last night there were a couple of missed calls and text messages, which is a bit unusual. When we spoke he asked who'd I been out with and I wisecracked "I don't ask you what you do with your spare time", which is a bit of a lie, but he didn't correct me.

We talked today and he asked me if I was seeing somebody and I told him. He looked crushed for a couple of seconds, but I said "Unless your singing a different tune, I advise you to cheer the f*ck up and be happy that I am getting on with my life, the way I'm happy for you." And within seconds we were laughing and joking and the awkward moment was forgotten. How things change, but I am pleased that we are really far beyond everything that we went through.

I spoke with my date (still haven't decided on a name) and I'll see him tomorrow night as planned. He told me that I was a 'fantastic kisser' just to make me blush and we chatted easily about our respective days and took the piss out of each others laughs again. Apparently I arch backwards when I laugh, but nothing beats the "Uh-huh" into silence. The ex knows about me and has apparently known about me since we went out the first time. I felt myself squirm in uncomfortableness for a moment when he said that she was happy for him and encouraging, but then reminded myself that that's a good thing.

As soon as I hung up, my phone rang again and I ended up speaking with Dot Dot Dot Man. For the first time, other than the night when I told him to hop it, the conversation was a little awkward. I mean for f*cks sake, I hardly hear from him since we finished and even before we finished, and now he's phoning me, sniffing about to see what I'm 'doing' at the weekend. So I was purposefully vague.....

Men, don't know a good thing when they have it, only know a good thing when it's gone or they think it might be somebody elses. I won't be mean, I mean 'some' men ;-)

And Then He Kissed Me

I walked purposefully down Oxford Street as I hurried to meet my date and realised that there was a guy keeping pace with me. I pretended I couldn't see him but when I got to my meeting point outside the bookshop, I paused for a moment when I couldn't see my date. Just as the mystery stranger went to pounce, I spotted my date and there was this awkward moment when the stranger said "Excuse me but I...." and I walked quickly into the store. He was standing beside a book display looking pretty hot and we smiled at each other, but as I approached him I was convinced that the hand that wasn't visible properly because of the display was holding something like a small suitcase. "What on earth are you holding onto?" And then he pulled out this lovely bunch of flowers and my whole face flushed and I laughed nervously because I'm a twat, because I thought it was a suitcase (I am a nutter) and because it's been ages since a guy was so flippin nice.

So me being me, I rushed him out of the shop as if my FMB's were on fire whilst everyone smiled gushily at us. After my initial embarrassment we slipped into easy conversation and we walked to the National Gallery. Unfortunately just as we were about to cross the road, the heel of my right FMB got caught in a stupid gap in the pavement and I became wedged. He had to bend down and pull my heel out and I felt like a right numpty although we cracked up laughing. We spent an hour admiring art from between 1500 to early 1900 and debated over our favourite pieces. I realised that my voice is rather loud when "Gosh that willy is rather big" and "I've never seen a black person in a Renaissance painting before" echoed around the room....

Anyone who has read this blog long enough knows that I'm a clumsy cow at the best of times and tonight I was in full effect. I slipped down the stairs, not once, but twice in the National Gallery, which gave him the excuse he needed to hold my hand. We headed off to one of my favourite haunts for dinner in Soho and as I tried to sit down, I knocked over the water on the table beside us. We had a great dinner and there wasn't one awkward moment and I realised that he wasn't pretending to be shy when I first met him, and that we were both really at ease. I had a startling moment of realisation that I had behaved rather shy on our first couple of dates and wondered if I have let the dating game make me cautious. Just before we left the restaurant, I nearly threw hot herbal tea all over myself twice and really felt like giving myself a good slap!

One of the great things about living in London is that unless you drive somewhere, you rarely have to go through the awkward "Can I come in for a cup of coffee?" or "Let me drive you home" so you don't get put in awkward situations very often. He waited at the bus stop with me and we ripped the piss out each other about our laughs (he said that I was doing an Eddie Murphy laugh this evening), but my trump card was when I started ripping the piss out of him for saying "Uh-huh" when nothing has been said. It turns out that the lads take the mick out of him for the same thing and we howled with laughter. Anyone walking by would have thought we were a pair of weirdo's as we took it in turns to do silly laughs. I nearly hit him over the head with the flowers when I said "I'll let that bus go by and wait for the next one" and he replied "Well I won't lie, but I've already let two go by!"

In the end it took the arrival of the fourth bus that stopped the pisstaking and he finally went for it and kissed me. I was thankful that he initiated and that I hadn't had to orchestrate a rom com moment like falling flat on my arse. Now I've never been one for going overboard with intricate detail about naughty business (and I won't start now), as I hate looking like a dick and probably for the other person's privacy, however I will say that.....

There was a split second when I thought "I really fancy this guy" and then a split second later "Oh f*ck, what will I do if he's a shit kisser" and then he kissed me, softly and tentatively at first, which hinted that it was going to be good as you could have lit up the future Christmas lights on Oxford Street with the electricity. Then, as if feeling very sure of himself, he really kissed me, and eventually I pulled away as I thought I had lost the use of my legs as they seemed to buckle! Jaysus!

Anyway, enough of that Mills and Boon pallava, I had a really nice evening and I will be seeing him on Friday. I could waffle on about a hell of a lot of things about this evening as there were so many good moments, some ridiculously rom com, but I think that I've said enough! I am taking each day as it comes and enjoying each moment and not overthinking things. And don't worry NYM!, I am always cautious and the heart is safely enclosed in it's barbed wire!

I've got another session tomorrow, this time of reflexology and kinesiology, so wish me luck!

Oh and the calamity finally ended on the bus, when the man beside me got up and I lifted my bag and flowers up so that he could get out and inadvertently pulled my skirt right up to my thighs....

Tease the Boys

Last night I sat in bed dressed in my virginal white nightdress (very pride and prejudice but the sexy version) nibbling on profiteroles (okay I was scoffing) watching Sex and The City series 6 with one of my best mates Nac. As we commented, oohed and aahed, slagged off the leading men and I flinched when I laughed to hard and aggravated a lump, I realised that these are the times that I'll look back on with very fond memories. It's wonderful to spend your time in the company of people who you don't have to mind your p's and q's with, you don't have to pretend you're not in pain when you are, and most importantly, I can be all me.

Nac told me that she was worried about me because whilst I appeared to be in blissful sleep, I shouted out in pain a few times. I have no recollection of this but it's another reminder of how my body has got so used to being in pain that I don't wake up from it anymore.

I have a date tomorrow night and it's up to me to decide this time where we go. I wanted to invite him this time as he went to a lot of effort on the first two dates. I'm quite looking forward to it and I'm not overthinking things. If and when things decide to head up a more serious route, I will have 'the conversation' about the ex that he lives with. I just got off the phone with him and we are slipping into easy conversations where he can take my pisstaking and gives some of it back.

Finally caught up with Dot Dot Dot Man (formally The Contender) and we both howled with laughter as I ripped the piss out of him and recounted my story of when I found out that my date lives with his ex. Dot Dot Dot Man cracked up laughing when he read my email the first time, but then read it again and said "Hold on - Is she taking the piss out of me?"

I reiterated that it was a humorous email with a genuine question. He insists that I don't give off a vibe that lures in guys that live with their exes and then has the cheek to wisecrack, "Is he still nobbing his ex then, do you think?"

I was outraged and replied back, "Well funny you mention that because one of the lads said 'Isn't this the second time that you've been with a guy that's still screwing the ex that he lives with?' Seems that the brush and tar has landed on you too...." He was livid and furiously denied it and demanded to know who'd said it and then said that he had been taking the piss re the nobbing comment. I was just proving the point that when it comes to men sharing a house with their ex, regardless of how much they may dislike each other, every other guy thinks the two of them must be doing each other.

"So are you seeing this guy again?" he says after we've caught up on everything.
"Yeah I'm going out for dinner with him tomorrow" feeling completely at ease and forgetting that I may be hurting his feelings.
"What! But what about me? I told you I wanted to go to the cinema with you?" Cue him accusing me of not calling him to arrange and me blaming him.
"It's not my fault you have the busiest schedule on earth. What is it with you guys where you think that the flippin sun rises and sets on your arse? Do you think I sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for you to find a window in your diary?" I could hear him squirming in the background and thoroughly enjoyed it. We eventually agreed to meet up at the beginning of November.

It's either a feast or a famine...

What Would You Do?

I realised last night that I've become weather beaten by my dating history as I don't even know how to take a compliment without laughing, and I'm listening, watching, waiting for the poor f*cker to f*ck up. Then I realised that I needed to stop being an arsehole and to enjoy the evening, so I did, and it was lovely.

Thanks for all of the comments to which I feel I need to address the main talking point that surrounds this guy by recapping on it: Boy meets girl goes out with her for a few years, they buy a flat together on a government scheme which allows them to do a very small deposit (I did check and they most definitely exist), once living together they are no longer on the same map as he wants to chill out, she wants to continue going out every night, they break up, she moves out, after a year she has to move back as she legally has the right to, can't sell flat until next year due to the government scheme (also checked this out and there are quite a few with clauses like this to prevent people from immediately profiting from the government).

Now I'm not stupid and recognise that having your ex living in the flat for a guy is penis paradise with free sex on tap if they want it. He insists that it strictly platonic so what do I do?

I have been on two dates with this guy and the closest we have got is a kiss on the cheek. He has been polite, reserved and seemingly honest about what is going on his life, plus he barely disguises what seems to be the fact that he's a little in awe of me. I like the guy but I'm not sure if I intend to be seeing him in two weeks so is it fair for me to lay down the law?

How do I decide if he's talking a load of poo, or telling me the truth? A relative of mine is living with her ex for the past few months whilst they sort out the house stuff, and there is definitely no jiggy jiggy going on there. He's lucky she hasn't cut his dick off! I lived with an ex for a bit before moving out and he did come sloping in for sex and I told him to go f*ck himself. We live in London and if I brought a flat with a guy and broke up with him tomorrow, it will cost me a bloody fortune to get myself sorted out. If I was saying he was a prick and that I didn't want to bother with him, I'd be called cynical and people would say give him a chance, when I give him a chance, people think I shouldn't be. I damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't!

Is it possible that I have reached that horrible stage in my life when guys come with serious excess baggage like ex's they share houses with, kids etc?

He took me to the Jazz Cafe and we had our dinner whilst listening to and half watching Vonda Shepherd (Ally McBeal singer) perform. He is a lot quieter than me and comes across as shy, but after a while he warmed up and we had a good laugh and chatted away. We did discuss the ex and I even broke my golden rule and spoke briefly about Dot Dot Dot Man, Male Best Friend and the Fiance. When I spoke about Dot Dot Dot Man and MBF, it became clear why I'm not ecstatic to have met yet another guy with an ex. He did say that I could meet her although I haven't committed to it and I told him about what guys think and what women think and he was shocked but did laugh. "To be fair NML, if it wasn't me that was in this situation, I would be exactly the same because all guys think that other guys do certain things. But I can assure you that I'm not doing anything with her but I don't blame you for being cautious. You have very good friends."

There were a couple of sticky moments when I pretty much told him to shut the f*ck up when he kept referring to the fact that he felt guilty about drinking when I can't. I know that he was trying to be nice and sensitive, but if I'm OK with not drinking, everybody else doesn't need to make a big fuss out of it. The other was when he actually asked me, "How the hell is someone as beautiful as you single?"

It seems that it was a genuine question as he told me that he can't believe that I'm single or that he's out with me. I told him to get a grip on himself as it unnerves me when he seems in awe. (Yeah I'm a cow) Later, I asked him if he was having a good night and he told me that he would be having a fabulous time with me even if we were spending the evening at the bus stop! I think he means to be complimentary, but I piss myself laughing when he compliments me. He kissed me goodbye on the cheek and I admit that I was disappointed!

I spoke with him a while ago and I invited him out for dinner on Wednesday and he was really pleased. It unnerves me but underneath it all, it's secretly nice. He asked me if I was going to tell my male friends that I was going out with The Wolf and I howled with laughter. "I know how us guys think NML!"

I'm very, very tired after having reflexology yesterday to help with the pain I've experienced over the past few days. Most of it has subsided since the session, but I feel really drained and I've got low energy, which can be normal after so much has been done. I'm going back on Thursday for a little more reflexology and my kinesiology session. It was weird when she working on my left foot yesterday and felt this searing pain and she asked me if I had a lump in the left side of my neck as that's what she could feel in that point. Scary as I've got that lump that I discovered on my birthday right there!

I hope you all had great weekends and have a hell of a lot more energy than I do!

Men Are as Men Do

Going on a date with a guy that lives with an ex brings out mixed responses and it depends on the sex. For instance, my female friends are quite emphathetic and sympathetic to the situation and think I should give him a chance. But as usual it's the male contingency who show their asses by telling you what they think based on what they would be doing.

"Ridiculous NML! He's going on a date with you and going home and f*cking her. I never had you down for a fool."

"He's DEFINITELY bonking her off. Free p*ssy under your roof? Of course he is!"

"NML, you are way too good for a chump with a girlfriend. Don't look at me like that - I don't believe that she's his ex!"

"Shagging her. Definitely. No guy wouldn't. Platonic my arse! Have I mentioned that those glasses make you look really, really sexy?"

Nice trick there complimenting me so that I would forget about his comment, but you get the idea. I'm used to the fact that guys distrust other guys behaviour because they base it on themselves, even though they refuse to acknowledge this truth, but it does make me wonder.

Am I being a complete f*cking numpty and letting this guy take the piss?

Difficult one, but I'll suss it out on the date tomorrow. He hasn't got jack out of me and the closest we have gotten is a kiss on the cheek, so he's either not taking the piss and genuine, or he is taking the piss and getting a seeing to at home. I've been on one date with him so lets keep things in perspective and see how it goes.

In the meantime Dot Dot Dot Man (formerly The Contender) hasn't replied by email (probably in shock and can't trust himself) but he did leave a voicemail last night. I did return his call but knowing him, he'll do his usual Busy Bee thing and we'll catch up over the next few days. It was a serious, but light humoured question which he shouldn't be getting his pubes in a note over. If his ego is dented, tough tits.

The leaving do was pants and when I say that there wasn't a drop of totty in the building, I am not lying. I did have a great giggle though, gossiping and taking the piss, so I can't complain really. Whoever thinks that guys that work in ad agencies are hot, think again. I am yet to meet any hot totty from any ad agencies.

I am taking it easy as I have a kinesiology session tomorrow. To be honest I haven't been well over the past day or so. I was a bit naughty and had Thai food yesterday and I think it has one of my banned substances - curcumin/tumeric. I've been secretly having really bad chest pains since yesterday and I've got weird aches and the joints hurt. Well, you live and you learn! I won't be doing that in a hurry again!

It's been a while since I've mentioned it, but thanks to everyone who has submitted or visited Baggage Reclaim. It's going really good although there always seems to be a ton of things to do! If anyone wants to photograph their rabbit vibrator in a strange place, write articles, do reviews etc, email me, or submit from the site.

Have fab weekends and I'll be back with news on the date x

Tetchy, Bitchy, Naughty - Yay!

When I was hit by yet another blinding headache this morning, I decided to finally get my glasses from the opticians. I was however, completely unprepared for how frigging expensive bloody glasses are. I raced in at lunchtime and within 15 minutes, I had parted with £247! Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans! That's shoe money! However, I do look pretty foxy if I do say so myself, in my new Prada frames.

I have a date on Saturday night at the Jazz Cafe with the guy with that lives with the ex. I can't think of a name for him and I'm not sure if he warrants one just yet. There is still that awkwardness when we speak on the phone. Take the phone call that we just had. After finally agreeing on what we would do, there was this silence for a couple of seconds and I waited to see if he would speak first, but instead he did something that I had noticed before but hadn't acknowledged. He said "Uhuh" as if I had said something to him and he was agreeing. I burst out laughing and he said "Gosh that's the first time I heard you properly laugh." Then I told him that I had laughed before, but this one must have been a very hearty chuckle.

It's time of the month so I'm feeling super tetchy and super bitchy, and Male Best Friend asked me what I was doing this weekend and I said (skip to the next line if you think I'm a lovely girl) "Screwing my new mans brains out!" It's completely untrue (I'm on lockdown) but I've never seen the smirk wiped off his face so quickly. It did relieve the PMT though and he saw the funny side....eventually.

Even though work is not giving me the thrills it used to, we've been having lots of fun with old TV theme tunes recently which makes for plenty of pisstaking. The best moment ever was when we played the Benny Hill theme tune and my old boss ran around like Benny Hill, but one of the lads also sang the Raggy Dolls, Fraggle Rock and Button Moon theme tunes today (all kids TV programmes), which had me crying with laughter.

There hasn't been any more peeping Tom action, touch wood (not his), so I have stopped being a curtain twitcher. In the meantime, one of my colleagues is bringing me to a leaving do tomorrow night for an ad agency guy. She thinks it's great for networking, I think it's a great flirting opportunity...

Before I left work, I composed an email to Dot Dot Dot Man (Formally The Contender), which included:

Subject: Quick Question

How was your trip? (that's not the question by the way)
I'm asking you the following question because you know what a nutter I am and we're mates and you'll be honest with me. I went on a date with a guy and he ended up telling me that he lives with his ex!!!!! Is there something about me that makes me attractive to guys with girlfriends, or exes that are still living with them? Seriously!!!!

I think he will take it in the spirit that it's meant which is a pisstake but also a genuine question! I look forward to his reply!

Peeping Tom?

I left work early yesterday as I had a horrible headache which left me feeling rather incapacitated. I pulled on the slob gear and surrendered to my blankies on the couch and had a lovely deep sleep for a few hours, followed by watching the new digital channel More 4 and the highly entertaining A Very Social Secretary. As soon as it finished, I headed for bed and as I stooped to turn on my lamp, I was startled to see what appeared to be a 'dirty old man' standing in the driveway of my block of apartments staring at me. I stared right back at him and he seemed very caught off guard.

Scared shitless I moved away from the window and then checked to make sure that I wasn't showing beaver or breast, and gingerly looked out the window again, but he was gone. What the f*ck? Is he a peeping Tom? Well he must have been pretty disappointed as I was in full PJ regalia as opposed to boudoir knickers with my knockers hanging out!

I got into bed and my overactive imagination played out scenarios where this 'dirty old man' managed to penetrate the building, get through my locked door somehow and then stand over me in my bed, leering at me. I wondered if I had imagined it, but I know I didn't and now I'm convinced that there is a perve hiding in the bushes. Every noise that I heard in my building had me convinced that he was 'coming to get me' and then I berated myself and eventually dozed off. I later woke up in a panic after dreaming that a 'dirty old man' had jumped through the wall. Really need to lay off the painkillers.......

I am going on another date with the guy who lives with the ex, plus I have also been asked if I want to go to the cinema by Dot Dot Dot Man (Formally The Contender) and Male Best Friend. It's either a feast or a famine.

I Live With My Ex - Say what mofo?

We're sitting in Ping Pong (I took over and chose a place) and we've ordered our food and chatting away surprisingly at ease. It helped that when I saw him waiting for me on Oxford Street that I thought "Hmmm. I had forgotten that he was so good looking" and that he'd been polite, amiable and had taken it well when I took the piss out of him for being too agreeable. As we chatted in the restaurant, somehow we got onto the subject of our living arrangements, and it was as if the needle had been ripped off the record when he uttered the words "Erm....well...I share my flat with my ex." At least he had the good grace to look embarrassed.

"Er, what?" and I shifted away from him on the bench, as I unconsciously distanced myself from him.
"We're just really good friends though" and I have an overwhelming urge to laugh.

Seemingly he went out with his ex for a few years and they decided to buy an apartment together, and then as soon as they moved in, they decided that they should just be friends. She went off to live with her friend, he stayed there, but now her friend has moved away and she decided to move back. Oh, yes, the apartment hasn't been sold because of weird rules we have about certain properties, which means they can't be sold within a 3 year period. He is looking for a new job and will move then, apparently.

I must have something written on my head which says that if your baggage has a girlfriend or a very present ex in it, I am your woman. Male Best Friend and the girlfriend he 'can't' break up from, The Contender with the ex that he also still owned a home with, and wasn't emotionally ready for a new relationship with me but still pursued me anyway, and now this one. Why can't men sort there sh*t out before they approach me?

It was decidedly frosty in the restaurant for a while as he explained about the ex and how they were definitely just friends. I didn't know what to do without appearing to be rather dramatic so I focused on enjoying my dinner and getting to know him. He took the hint and stopped being so agreeable and I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't enjoyed the evening. We left each other inside the tube station and there was that awkward moment when we both looked at each other but fortunately he just kissed me on each cheek, stood back and then said,
"You know, you're even more beautiful than when I met you that first time." Naturally I got really embarrassed and said "Don't be silly. I look well dodgy after being at work all day!" God I could shoot myself sometimes! "No you don't!" he said firmly and my last thought as I walked away was "Gosh he's lovely, shame about the ex though..... I wonder if that was a cheesy line or just a lovely line?"

I have been busy all weekend and spent Saturday afternoon with my very loud hungover Bro, who has no shame and cackled loudly all afternoon at the restaurant, ripped the piss out of people, promised never to drink again, had a bloody mary to make himself feel better, drank a few gin and tonics with his mate and was drunk by the time we left. I left with a brand new jacket (£170), cardigan (£90) and scarf (£30) all free of charge from my lovely Bro who has a very good job for a fashion brand. Yay! My Bro is great!

Last night was spent clubbing with M where my patience was tested by men that don't know how to take no for an answer. "Why won't you dance with me?" the twat says. "Because I don't want to." "But why?" he implores me. "Because you're behaving like this." And still unfazed he says "Come over here and let me talk with you. I want to get to know you" I can't disguise my annoyance and say "I'm not going anywhere with you and unless you want my boyfriend to have a word with you, I suggest you get lost." And he's still unfazed because he says "You look like a woman who has a boyfriend. How could you not?" I didn't have an answer for that one and wondered if he was being sarcastic, so I turned away from him and pretended he wasn't there. No doubt he has a girlfriend or an ex waiting in the wings.......Gosh, I must remember to turn off that neon sign on my forehead.....

I've Got a Date. And a Leak (It's not him leaking btw)

I'm on the sofa with a blanket over me watching TV and trying to ignore the smell of wet wood. I hadn't planned to be home as I thought I was having this big girls night out with B, but she's not well so it came to a rapid end just before 8pm. As it turns out, I opened my front door to discover that water is coming through the ceiling in my hallway. "F***************CK!" and I stomped upstairs to speak to the cow of a neighbour that lives above me. She can't stand me and the feeling is mutual. Imagine my annoyance at having to tell her that there is water coming through my ceiling..

"Is no me." she says, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Isn't that what you said when you would wake me up early in the mornings with your loud music?" I replied, looking her up and down.
"Is. No. Me" and she cuts her eyes at me and looks like she wants to throttle me. She points at this hideous lino which admittedly doesn't indicate where the water is coming from. "See!" she says triumphantly.
"Yes it is horrible lino you poor thing." I mutter to myself.
"What you say?" and I know she understood perfectly but I am already walking back down the stairs to my flat.
I am now waiting for the maintenance guy to come up from South London which means I can't get into my PJs and go to bed. He's better be hot totty! I mean, he'd better be able to fix the leak.....

I have a date tomorrow night with the guy I met a couple of Saturdays ago. I swear I will behave myself and go in with positive thoughts and give the guy a chance, which is why I'd better get these quick points off my chest!

1. Why is it that when I say I've got a couple of minutes to chat, he spends most of that questioning me about whether I can speak on the phone at work?
2. What's with the voice going high pitched in the call?
3. I said a couple of minutes for a reason - It was so that I could establish that this wasn't a call for waffling and we could cut to the chase and make arrangements.
4. I got tired of waiting and I hate going 'round the houses' so I said "So do you still want to meet up?" to which he replied, "Yes, yes, of course, definitely."
5. The answer to "Where shall we meet?" should not be "Wherever you want to meet."
6. The answer to "What time shall we meet?" should not be "It depends on you. I'll meet whenever you want to meet."
7. The answer to "What would you like to do?" should not be "What would you like to do?"

How is it that I have a browbeaten man and we haven't even been on a date? He almost seems in awe or something!

I'm not looking for a check-shirt wearing wife beater, but I do want a man to be a man and be decisive, proactive and even put me back in my box from time to time. Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans - How bloody hard can it be to meet a man like this?

I Think I'm a Nutter

Seriously, the death of that stupid effing iPod that I love far too much is painful. No music on the tube, no music when I'm walking, but what I do get is this weird silence and a vague feeling of jealousy of people with white headphones. Dear God, if you are picking up on any of this insanity, you'd better send me a man to distract me, preferably one that won't give me a headache and a pain in the arse (not from anal dear readers, but just from being annoying).

If you can't send a man that isn't a pain in the arse, just ensure that Marks & Spencers always has a good fresh stock of giant homemade cookies, those delightful fruit jelly desserts and the little profiteroles.

Just so you realise how crazy I am, I forgot that I was supposed to call that guy from last week about going out tonight. I forgot him completely. I know that doesn't say much about my attraction to him, but it's no wonder that if I'm not careful, there'll be cobwebs forming........

I've decided to stop feeling like shite about work and to focus on the objective of one day having that freedom to work for myself. I don't want to become one of those people that b*tches about work but does sweet f all about it. Instead I will be focused and proactive. I'm bored with being bored at work anyway and being a cranky bitch is losing it's novelty as well. Even I can't do bitch twenty-four-seven!

What do you do when in the overall sense of things, you're just not that fussed about going out on the pull? I go out regularly and meet quite a few guys, but noone has made me want to make an effort for quite a while. I think I entertain the possibility of dating them for a bit as they make good blog posts! I'm quite a social person but I love coming home and chilling out with me, myself and I. I wouldn't lie and say there isn't the occasional moment when I couldn't do with a spot of male company, or ponder what it would be like to have someone who was with me through this whole illness BS, or just someone who you know that you're sharing your life with them and have that elusive thing called love. But I have lots of people around me - friends, family, nutcase colleagues, my blog and my virtual supporters. No they can't give me a good seeing to, they can't do those 'relationship' things but they're pretty damn good!

I'm on a girls night out with B tomorrow. She was taken hostage when she became a 'girlfriend' but she has been 'released' for an evening out, which will be a good laugh no doubt. I think this is the first time we've had a girls night out in 4 months (the last one was when my arse exploded) which is scary as we used to go out all the time. Where do B and all my other friends go when they get boyfriends? Relationship hell? Relationship heaven? There must be a special 'cemetery' for all the friends I've 'lost' to boyfriends.......

Bitter Taste of an Apple

I don't know what is p*ssing me off more: The fact that very soon I will be on my 4th iPod because it's conked out on me, or the fact that work is doing my head in.

You should've heard me seething down the phone at my 15 year old brother as I boarded my flight last night. I would've shouted but I would've looked like a complete loony tune and there was some semi-totty beside me. I figured I could listen to his library of stuff that he had replaced mine with, and managed to find songs that I could listen to that didn't fit in the gangsta rap category. I turned it on and it went nuts, skipping through song after song. I swear, I felt my f*cking heart palpitating and called Apple every friggin name under the sun and then I clocked up a long list of names against the bro. I felt bereft and I realised that I had become dependent on a consumer electronics item and it doesn't give me an orgasm and it cost me £249 to boot.

When the bro said "Sure you can have mine if you want!" in his trite unconcerned 15 year old not a care in the world, Dublin accent, I hung up the phone and flung the stupid iPod in my bag. I connected it to my laptop and it wouldn't let me restore it and has been flashing the Apple logo (mocking me) and making constipated noises ever since.

I rang the feckers this morning and I'm sending it back and I refused to pay for it considering that they replaced it less than a year ago. I had to stand on the tube this morning and for some reason I was acutely aware of body odours and I blame that on the fact that I didn't have music to distract me. I realised in that moment, that I need a good bloody seeing to, because it is not healthy to be a slave to a flippin musical device.

I got to work early for an 8.30 meeting and even the free breakfast didn't coax me out of my glum fog. I used to love my job and it used to give me kicks, but I dream of being more creative and I'd rather line my own coffers than line someone elses. Do you know I was in a meeting the other day and I imagined their head exploding with lots of £50 pound notes cascading to the floor? I snickered to myself and he looked at me as if I'm on crack. What next? Dancing babies?

Signs I Know I'm Home in Dublin

1. My ma suddenly forgets how to drive and how to get back into the centre of Dublin from the airport despite the fact that she drove there in the first place.
2. The word 'grandchildren' is slipped into sentences so frequently, I suggest that one of the younger bro's go out and shag someone.
3. I was of course joking about the 15 year old bro having a baby as I threaten him with all sorts and demand that he tell me what he's been up to.
4. Dublin changes it's appearance more than Madonna or Kylie. I can't keep up with all of the new buildings that are appearing and I'm shocked to discover that there is a Tesco's (big supermarket) in the village(town at a stretch) where my family live.
5. When a rap song comes on in the bar on Saturday night, all eyes swivel in my direction as I think I'm expected to be getting down to 'my' music.
6. Stifle a giggle when a rapper says the 'N' word and some people freeze mometarily and look at me.
7. My ma keeps waving food in my direction as if I don't eat when I'm in London. Note that all Irish mammies think that food solves everything, oh and cups of tea too.
8. I don't go into the kitchen to eat my dinner quickly enough and the 20 year old bro goes and bloody well eats it!
9. The niceties are over and I'm screaming at my bro's because they're insolent little pups and the 15 year old one has wiped my library off my iPod and replaced it with his, by accident apparently.
10. My ma forgets that I'm in the house and I'm caught unwares in my PJs by the 15 year old bro's friends, braless with the hair a little out of place. They grin at me and I make a quick exit and curse my ma.
11. My friend Cass and I are the only single people we know in Dublin and play up to it by pretending that we're past it and that we're getting old.
12. Cass and I are followed around by 'little' boys when we're out on Saturday night and we realise that early 20s boys don't appeal to us. I had to give a stern look to a 'little' one when he wouldn't stop lurking and letching!
13. I walk down Grafton Street and sh*t a brick that I'll bump into an ex. I was saved this time - touch wood!
14. My ma slips guys names into conversation and then I realise she's pitching husbands at me.