Happy New Year from NML xx

Well it's almost 2006 and you could say that 2005 has been some year. There have been more ups and downs than a whores pair of knickers but it's been a good. I'm not on steroids anymore (touch wood), I'm doing OK-ish healthwise (ups and downs), my mum is getting better after being unwell, my job is a good laugh but often sucks monkey dick, I've had a few 'romances' (OK a number of dodgy dates), I think I am finally over Male Best Friend after having a wobble for a bit, I had my heart broken but I bounced back, I had two panic attacks, I had more sick days than I would have liked, I joined the gym...and cancelled the membership because of my health, I got laid regularly in the middle of the year, I got perved and hit on more times than I care to remember, overall it has been a slow year sex wise, I got 'stalked' on the net twice, I finally launched my site Baggage Reclaim (thanks to all especially my boy Sketch, my girls Vixen and NYM, plus all who contributed), my shoe cupboard is burgeoning (well over 80 pairs), I actually saved some money this year, I eat more healthily, I do alternative therapy each month, I haven't had any alcohol for almost 6 months, I got high on Red Bull recently, I won £125K on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...on the interactive dvd, I lost most of the weight that I gained on my tiny frame from the steroids, I lost my comedy tits and my arse is shrinking daily, I have the best family and friends, I have made some really good friends, I have also discovered that people can call themselves your friend when they really aren't, and I certainly know who I can trust or not trust and who I want to be surrounded by.

This year I went to Dublin 4 times, the US, Budapest and Egypt.

I felt every fear I have ever known at the beginning of July when the bombings happened in London and again when I returned from Egypt and our resort was bombed a few days later. My thoughts and prayers go to those who have been affected by various attrocities and tragedies. I'm amazed at the capacity for people's willfull destruction but I am also amazed at the capacity for kindness, love and generosity.

Yesterday, the woman who came to my mum's rescue a few weeks ago turned up unexpectedly on our doorstep with flowers for my mum as she wanted to make sure my mum was OK. She had gone to great lengths to find my mum and it was incredibly touching to be confronted with what seems like as close to an angel as I can think of.

I am touched by the support that I have received on this blog in general but especially with regards to my battle with my disease, sarcoidosis. I received quite a few emails this year from other sufferers offering advice and support, and also from other bloggers via comments and emails. Most people have been kind but there are certain people have gone the extra mile. I won't do a roll call but they know who they are and most have been reading this blog for quite a while. Special shout out to my girls Vixen and NYM who also battle with their own illnesses.

I can't be arsed to make new years resolutions as I'll probably have forgotten them in a few days but you can expect some big changes over the next while and I intend to have plenty of fun, with a few boys thrown in for good entertainment. Who knows what lies in store for me this year, but I am embracing whatver life throws at me. I can be anything I want to be and so can you guys.

Thanks to everyone that visited, commented, supported on this blog and Baggage Reclaim. You're top notch!

Happy new year guys. lots of love NML xxx

My Family are Crackerjacks/Seasons Greetings!

It feels like donkey's since I have blogged but it was nice to take a mini-break with my ludicrously ridiculous family. Whilst I have been absent from the internet, we have become Who Wants to Be a Millionare interactive dvd addicts, abusing each other and crying with laughter as my mum throws complete hissy fits when she gets knocked out but runs around screaming like a mad woman when she 'wins' big money. My mum and I are joint champs with wins of virtual £125K. The bro is fiercely competitive "I suppose you think you're a real hot shit mama now that you've got £125K?" and I suspect that he's been practising on the sneak. He is buying the game when he gets back to London so that he can challenge his unsuspecting flatmate Welsh Boy, who won't realise that he's had a weeks practice!

Christmas day was spent ripping the piss out of each other, abusing each other on that blasted game, fighting at the dinner table with the weedhead 20 year old, stuffing our faces and napping. The 20 year old is a miserable git and kept making snide comments over Christmas dinner which forced me to say, "Do you want me to pop upstairs and get you a line of coke?" We've watched Richard Pryor and laughed so hard we thought we'd vomit plus Chris Rock who gave us a giggle too but didn't quite live up to the legend of Pryor.

It has been a brilliant break and it's nice to see my mum smiling and letting out big Jamaican dirty laughs with her posh English accent. We've spent a lot of time together and we've entertained each other by being lewd and rude about everything and anything. The only thing that hangs over things is the knowledge that the bro and I will be gone on Monday and she'll have to manage on her own and she's very nervous as the Bro has been entertaining her and getting her drunk and smoking fags for the past 3 weeks and her little nest will be gone.

I went out for dinner with two of my oldest friends last night and we laughed and cried as we caught up on each others lives. Naturally when I left, there were no taxi's, no trams (The Luas), no night buses and the battery had died when I as talking to my ma on the phone. I decided to walk for a bit (it was hideously cold) and I ended up walking for an hour in my denim mini-ish, tights and Ugg-ish boots. I never used to be nervous in Dublin but I was a bit as I walked up the quiet streets and remembered various places and their memories en route. I walked into Jury's Hotel in Ballsbridge after an hour with a nose like Rudolf and the doorman ordered me a cab. Five minutes later my ma phoned on my other (almost dead) phone and told me that she had gone looking for me in the car as she was worried about me. We arranged to meet outside the hotel and after cancelling my taxi, I went out to wait for her.

Naturally it couldn't be peaceful and as I stood there shivering, some stupid drunken goon starts hurling abuse at me. "I'll fookin kill ya....don't fookin doubt me ya fecker.....I know the book....I've learnt the skills...that'll learn ya....I'll fookin kill ya." As he ranted at me from across the street, I stopped feeling cold and agitated and raised my special finger which was encased in a rainbow coloured kiddies glove from Benetton and in a very non-Ronald McDonald moment I said, "F*ck off you twat!" His body jerked in shock under the light of the lampost."Wha d'ya say ya fecker?". "You heard me the first time you drunken f*ckwit, now piss off!" I looked to my right and there were two lads wetting themselves laughing. My mum arrived moments later, hugged me with relief, yelled at me for walking around, told me a dirty joke, then demanded that I go and buy her and the bro some cigarettes as payment.

The bro and I were watching The Average Joe (we'd never seen it before) and one of the male contestants says to the woman, "I'm really..." and the bro and I started shouting at the telly saying his was a dick because we thought he was declaring his love but instead he said after the pause, "I'm really intrigued by you. "We howled with laughter and my bro says just as my my mum walks in, "She should just give him the finger and say intrigue THIS mutherf*cker!" My family are nuts!

I hope everyone is having a fabulous Christmas/holidays x

Black Folk Make Me Laugh, Especially My Family

I’m finally at home in Dublin after spending 24 hours with my fathers side of the family in The Midlands of the UK. His side run a pub which is apt considering what a bunch of pissheads they are and I spent the bulk of my time in the pub which wasn’t too dissimilar from my early childhood….

Within moments of arriving I found myself seated with my great uncle (he's in his 70s and has a better lovelife than most of my friends) and a couple of other guys. His son (my cousin) is a very famous ex footballer who turned up in the pub yesterday and you should have seen half the customers falling over themselves. Naturally this gave me a good giggle! As soon as my great uncle left, the guys started laying on the charm offensive as they asked me questions about my life in London. They were cracking up laughing as I regaled them with tales of dodgy men in bars and within a few minutes I was giving them relationship advice. One of them is actually an ex of my aunt and I suspected this as he described what he did for a living as it rang a vague bell. However, because he was laying on the charm offensive and angling for me to meet up with him in London, he pretended he barely knew her! He really flirted with me but it came to a halt when he got a menacing phonecall from my cousin who was upstairs, warning him not to push his luck. He quickly gave me a peck on the cheek and scuttled off.

I was chatted up by a guy on my last visit and he has been barred since then….

I have also demanded that my father starts doing speed dating to draw in a younger clientele, and this should only happen when I visit…

Both sides of my family are complete pisstakers and yesterday I observed a parade of bad wigs, bad weaves, dodgy fashions and old guys giving me winks. Sometimes when I check out black folk, it’s like no time has passed at all, because they are still sporting fashions and looks from the 80s, 70s, 60s, 50s and 40s and it’s not because Vogue has told them that these periods are back in fashion. I cried with laughter as my aunt gave me a running commentary and at one point the music dipped for a moment and I was heard letting out the biggest, dirtiest laugh.

There was the woman sitting across from me in an ill-placed wig sporting a flowery suit with the shoulder pads not quite resting on her shoulders. There was the barwoman who left with barely any hair on her head and strutted in proudly a few hours later with a blonde wig, also slightly out of place. There was Pimpin Ain’t Easy who was wearing a navy pin striped suit, two tone pointed shoes (cream and brown), a pink silk hankerchief with blue polka dots strategically hanging from the jacket pocket, a hat Justin Timberlake style, a cane, more jewellery than BA Baracus, plus a cigar which he had to be repeatedly told to put out or move to the smoking section. I think my father was trying to be macho each time he told him but I think he was a little scared and eventually gave up.

It was karaoke last night (a happy coincidence, hee hee) but I was sulking a bit because I only got one turn whilst the X Factor reject divas in the corner went up repeatedly. Some of them were really good but the bad hair, ginormous breasts and singing everything gospel style reminded me of being trapped in church when I was 5 with the bro and us thinking we were going to be crushed to death by a load of bad wigged, white tights and white high heels, big flower and fruit hat wearing church goers!

I got chatted up by a man that must be close to three times my age at the airport this morning and I had to resist the urge to tell him to F off and instead engrossed myself in sudoku and my iPod until he got the hint!

It’s good to be home. My ma is a more like her normal self which means that she’s being a right loony and has been watching too much Catherine Tate as she keeps saying, “Am I bothered?” to everything. The Bro effed and blighed all the way home as my mum kept crossing herself in the back over fears of him crashing her precious car (a BMW) even though he was driving perfectly fine. The 20 year old bro blanked me and ran out the house as soon as I arrived and the 16 year old one gave me a big hug and told my ma to stop nagging him. Family, ya gotta love ‘em!

No Butts

I made the mistake of mentioning to my nutty team-mates how I have just upgraded my digital TV service (Telewest) and discovered that I have an enormous library of pay per view 'adult movies' and out of curiosity I clicked on 'anal' and roared laughing when I was confronted with:

Addicted to Butt - Four scenes featuring girls that just love to take hard c*ck

I had to go back into to it just now to get the exact wording for this post, so Telewest will think I'm an anal fiend if they're 'measuring' my activity. I can just hear them, "Ooh, single woman in north west London loves taking it up the arse." I don't just for the record! I just had a taster with some lesbian sex scenes in the mini-screen view. The women were rancid and as I looked at their boobs wobbling on the screen, I decided that mine were nicer! It's £7 (approx $12 a film rental) which I think is very pricey even if you do get it for 24 hours. I don't know a thing about porn but I do think that sounds expensive!

Anyway, naturally my colleague Tina Turner (big hair, dodgy 80s dress sense, big mouth, thinks she's hot sh*t, wears fanny skimmers for dresses) latched onto this nugget of information and proclaimed that I'm an anal sex lover. Not one to miss an opportunity, I spent the rest of the day bickering (lovingly) with her and reminded her that even though she's had a fella for about 7 years that I probably get laid more often than she does and if anyone's a fan of brown love, it's Miss I Wanna Flash My Beaver on Every Night Out. In a conversation about yoga where I mentioned I owned a mat (no need to mention the fact it's not used....), she did her usual cackle and scoffed at my ownership. "Well you don't need one with all that leg 'flexing' that you've been doing over the years...." I sniped bitchily. We had such a laugh at work scoffing chocolates, mince pies, ripping the piss out each, making up our own dodgy versions of Christmas carols and of course, squeezing some work in! Have I mentioned that two of the women on my team are pregnant and due within 2 weeks of each other?! Must be something in the water...

I met my friend and two of her naughty but adorable kids for dinner this evening and my ears are still ringing. I am so used to her kids that the constant shouting goes over my head. One of her boys brought along his friend and I choked on my food when her daughter tapped me on the hand and said, "NML, do you know that they are a couple and they love each other very much?" and then howled with laughter. She's 6 and the boys are 9! The boys went to the toilet a while later and when they came back they had managed to provoke an argument with two other little boys. Cue dirty looks across the room and them whining about the boys mouthing rude things at them and my poor friend was at her wits end with them. "Oi you two. Behave yourselves right now" and then I muttered to myself, "Typical men." My friends son piped up with, "Oi yourself. I'M not a typical man! Have you got a boyfriend by the way?" he said giggling. The threat of snatching back his Christmas present shut him up pronto. Jaysus, can you believe I have a flippin 9 year old taking the piss out of my singleness? Kids these days! Ooh, I sound old!

Tis The Season to Be Jolly..and Robbed if You're Not Careful!

I forced myself to tackle my Christmas shopping today and when I was getting the bus down Oxford Street, a woman tapped me out of my iPod stupor to point out that a guy was trying to rob me. It took a moment for it to sink in and there was this uncomfortable moment when the accuser, the accused and I were staring at each other. Fortunately it was time for me to get off and go into Selfridges (God I love that store) but I was scared because he just kept staring at me and as I got off he said to the accuser that he should spit in her face! I thanked her as I was getting off and had forgotten about it by the time I was surrounded by handbags. Imagine my shock when I left over an hour later to go home on a different bus and he was standing a couple of metres away! He kept looking at me and there was such a temptation to shout 'Thief' but he wasn't actually robbing me and you don't know who has a gun or a knife these days! He kept watching me and I prayed that there wasn't going to be a scene and he got off a while after.

The bus was ram packed and I stood at the bottom of the stairs trying not to sing out loud to my iPod and at one point I looked up and there was a guy leaning over the barriers of the top deck staring down at me. I smiled at him and quickly looked back down and when he came down the stairs a while later he smirked at me and I giggled. I didn't fancy him but I liked his cheekiness and he didn't say anything cheesy. I looked out the window as he got off the bus and as he walked along the pavement, he looked back and stared through the window at me smiling....and walked straight into a woman holding her child in her arms! Do you know how weird it looks when a woman is crying with laughter on her own on the bus?

It's been quite a chilled weekend after a very hectic week although this was mostly down to the fact that I haven't been feeling too well with this bloody sarcoidosis and felt it best to behave myself and catch up on the monstrous amount of things I needed to do and get some rest. There was no lie in for me yesterday though as I had a kinesiology session which was good and has given me some pointers for dealing with this disease. I do need to change my environment to deal with the work and Male Best Friend issue and need to generally keep emotional stress down to a minimum as my immune system is sensitive to it. There's still no alcohol and I can't eat a host of things but I'm used to it now. The recent scare with my mum has had an effect on me and I developed a couple of lumps in the latter part of the week which has made it uncomfortable when I'm walking. Boo hoo! I'm fine though and enjoying myself.

Seemingly my bros have been fighting at home which has actually entertained my mum. I was horrified when I heard but she thinks they need to get it out of their system. I don't know all the details but the 26 and 20 year old one have been scrappin and my ma and the 16 year old were in stitches laughing as they watched. I think I need to go home and crack the whip and restore some order!

Check out these postcards on Baggage Reclaim which include some cheeky Christmas greetings plus others for occasions that I've made up!

I was introduced by my friend G on Friday night to a group of his friends that I have met countless times but he keeps forgetting, and he said to them "She's single and 28" which feeling outraged I replied "But not desperate!" Fortunately they realised that I meant desperate in general not desperate if I was with one of them....

Drunken Debauchery and I'm Sober in the Middle of It

I have spent the past couple of days with either very drunk people or very hungover people and I am about to fall into bed after an exhausting week. The company Christmas party was everything that I expected which was an evening of drunken debauchery with various people having snogs, heading off for a shag, vomiting in the corner of the bar, an attempted fight (more fisticuffs), a sacked DJ, and serious lechery. I realised that I work in too big a company when I looked around and realised that I didn't recognise at least half of the people. It did however mean that I could tell the pervs to f off without remorse. Being sober means that my BS radar is on high alert!

There was one guy in a cheap pinstripe suit and despite never having seen him before, he managed to piss off several people. He approached me and introduced himself with air of confidence that let me know that I was in for some serious BS. He asked me to dance and I said no politely and the cheeky git said, "Well it's your loss luv" with this smirk on his face as if I was supposed to be falling at his feet begging for mercy. "Actually, I think it's your loss!" I said bitchily which wiped that smirk of his face and when I turned around there were several people falling around laughing.

A colleague of mine said to me "A lot of the guys in the office really fancy you but they are too intimidated by you." Looking around at the various guys at the party making holy shows out of themselves I replied "Good!"
I was a bit taken aback by her throwaway comment about being intimidating to guys but then I reminded myself of all the lechery I have put up with in clubs and bars this year and got over it.

Male Best Friend (MBF) got really drunk and it was quite funny watching woman after woman chatting him up and pushing down the vague irritation. I honestly can't say if it was him getting chatted up by the women or the women sneaking me glances to see if I'd react. Later in the evening it was a shitload of declarations of love and I told him to zip it and go home.

One of the particularly funny things about the guys at work is that as soon as a woman dances sexily they literally close in like vultures and try to grind them or just leer. One Thing by Amerie came on towards the end of the night and I was grooving away and I lost track of how many guys closed in for a grind. Hilarious!

Tonight I went out for my friend G's birthday with MBF and about 15 other guys. G and I have been friends since uni and I adore him. He is extremely vain and tonight he rolled up in his white shirt, black velvet jacket, torn jeans and....a silk scarf tied around his neck Hugh Heffner style. Jeez did I get a lot of mileage out of that! They all proceeded to get very drunk and when we had to head for the club there was lots of camarderie and back slapping with G and MBF hugging and talking complete doo doo. We arrived at the tube station and G was looking very much the worse for wear (he must have done about 10 shots plus vodka red bulls) and I vaguely remember MBF telling him to stick his fingers down his throat and he'd feel better. Twenty minutes later and G was still throwing up in his seat on the platform. I was livid with MBF and gave him a right telling off although it wasn't actually his fault.

We eventually left G to be taken home and I got the tube with MBF and his mate. We got stuck in a tunnel for ages where his friend began to whine about needing a wee. He paces up and down the carriage and appears with a chocolate milk bottle and next thing I know it appears that I am watching him PEEING into the bottle with his back to me at the end of the carriage. I was mor-ti-fied and crying with laughter and then the stupid goon comes back and tries to put the warm bottle against my face! The threat of ripping his nuts off halted this carry-on and as it turns out, he was pretending and there was actually nothing in the bottle!

I had better go to my bed as I have kinesiology in the morning. My hospital check-up has been postponed until January so I have one less thing to worry about. However, I have deteriorated a bit this week, with me struggling at times to use steps as it seems that I must have a lump or something in my knee. I think that the after effects of my recent stresses is surfacing as the pain has flared up in my lower back and I now know that alot of what is aggravating it is emotions and stress. My mum is doing well and I'm looking forward to going home to Dublin on Friday and spending time with her. Have fabulous weekends everyone and I hope some of you are doing your entire Christmas shopping in a panic like I am!

Twinkle, Twinkle..

I hate being at work in the run up to Christmas because it's full of voicemails and clients that cancel meetings at the drop of a hat. Somehow in all of this, I'm supposed to look really busy! I overslept this morning and normally I would be dashing around at breakneck speed but for some reason I couldn't move with any urgency. I've got my company Christmas party tonight which meant that I spent far too much time faffing around deciding what to wear. In the end I've settled on denim mini (not a front fanny skimmer though), sheer black top, footless tights with my rather funky lime green and lemon heels (they look way better than they sound!).

My colleague Tina Turner mustn't get out very much because every time we have a company do she has to come out semi naked. I saw a jumper hanging up, but it turns out that she's claiming that it's a dress. I spent the next 10 minutes ripping the piss out of her and when one of the guys asked if she was going to spend most of the evening trying to make sure she didn't fanny flash us, I started single 'Twinkle, twinkle little star...'

Last night Male Best Friend went to a colleagues party that I wasn't invited to and asked me why I wasn't going. "Because you have a dick and I have a slit." I don't know what is going on with me the past few days as my humour has been in the gutter! This morning we were chatting away and he went all serious for a moment and leaned in and said, "I was just gonna say..." and I interrupted and said, "..that you've finished things with your girlfriend?" Cue much laughing and as you guessed it, that wasn't what he was going to say!

I spoke with Dot Dot Dot Man (formally The Contender) and I actually only took the piss out of him once. I'm trying to cut back on pisstaking (you'd never know would you?) as I feel like a right cow sometimes and I think it's my defence mechanism. Or maybe I just like laughing? He's trying to meet up before Christmas and invited himself out. As usual he said something stupid and this time it was him relaying the tale of how he had met this girl who is in the process of trying to break up with her long term partner and how he had been advising her because he's been through the whole thing. After saying that he wanted to meet up on Thursday he then tells me that he's told this other girl that he'd meet up with her! "Is this your weird way of telling me that you're going on a date because you must have me mistaken for the most understanding woman in the world?" Cue much stuttering and backtracking. I think I just say these things to cause discomfort because it's not as if I want to start, and I say this loosely, 'dating' him again.

My mum is feeling a bit better and sounds perkier. Thanks again for all of the lovely messages.

I was walking through Soho this morning and a guy was unloading his van. Now there is such a thing as builders arse, but this wasn't a flash of crack, it was practically the entire pale, hairy, spotty arse! Ugh!

Fear and Laughing in NML's World

Today has been a good day but now I'm plagued with thoughts about mortality and being the nutter that I am, I'm back to worrying about my own death again. Occasionally I do a spot check search on my illness 'sarcoidosis' in the news on Google and came across this a short while ago and a number of news items about a guy called Reggie White who died of my illness. As I clicked through news items with morbid fascination, I felt my chest start to go cold as I read about thousands of Americans being afflicted with this and more and more people dying from it. F*cking hell! I'm 28 years old! I'm supposed to live till I'm 90 something, maybe a 100 or so. I'm shocked and I can't even think of a good joke or something rude to say. What the hell am I going to do? Why hasn't anybody told me properly that I could die from this? This isn't in the plan!

I have a disease which whilst more and more is being learned about it, is mysterious and weird and it's not one of the 'known' diseases, so people in general know F all about it. I get emails from people regularly who also suffer with it and this lovely guy wrote to me a couple of days ago and said:

"Do you sometimes find yourself longing for one of those fashionable diseases that they do snazzy benefit concerts for?"

OK, now I'm laughing!

Anyway, I spent the whole day with Male Best Friend (MBF) and it was so funny as at times I was bloody awful to him. He was loving having the day out and wanted to chat the whole way there and back on the train (6 hours including waiting) so I chatted alright! Gave him a few home truths that made him wish he'd brought a paper with him! We had such a laugh though after I finished playing armchair psychologist. "I'm sorry that I don't have a host of issues so that you can feel manly and treat me like a damsel in distress...."

It was so funny when this woman walked down the carriage and neither of us had noticed this brutish little black dog. MBF jumped out of his skin when he felt it brush against his leg and was startled to see the dog there. You should have seen his confusion as he explained himself whilst placing his hand on my leg.

"I didn't see the bloody dog there. I thought that there was a strange man touching me up or something!" he says looking like a petulant child.

"What? You thought that an adult man would crawl along the carriage and touch you? Oh, and do you need to touch my leg in order to tell me that?" and I swatted his hand off me.

"Don't be a bitch! I was scared!"

"What? A great big overgrown 6ft 4" black man?" and we fell around laughing.

The lunch meeting went really well and we do make a great team. I get on really well with the client and when he was dropping us back to the station after lunch, I said with a completely straight face, "Did I mention that I'm going to have a baby next year?" The client thought it was hilarious as he knows I haven't even got a fella but I saw MBF freeze and it was so hard not to laugh at him. When we got on the train, it was the first thing he questioned me about and I had such a laugh winding him up. In between taking the mick out of him we talked about completely normal things like work, family etc, but I couldn't help but rip the piss out of him. The best though was when he said that he knew that I had been sleeping with The Contender(Dot Dot Dot Man). "Yes I was, at least 3 or 4 times a night!" and the look of shock on his face was priceless and I cackled with laughter on the train. I ran out of steam after a while and lightly slept and when I woke up he was resting he was sitting ultra close with his hand on my leg reading the paper. It wasn't even in a pervy way, more of a comforting way and it was nice. "Get off me!" I demanded and I was awake again!

My bro is fussing over my mum at home and I don't feel so anxious about her, although I will feel more comfortable when I go back to Dublin next week. I must say rest in peace to a symbol of my childhood, Richard Pryor, who passed away on Saturday. He will be sorely missed and has left a lasting legacy for comedy after influencing many a comedian and completely turning black comedy on its head. We'll definitely be watching him on Christmas day, along with out usual family viewing of Eddie Murphy 'Raw'!

I feel less anxious now than I did when I started this post. Thanks to everyone for their lovely comments over the past few days x

Thank You and Thankful

It's been a scary few days and I'm back in London trying to find some normality again. I've spent 28 years thinking my parents are invincible, but I've had the startling realisation that they aren't. This is such a difficult thing for me to comprehend and whilst I was with her it almost felt like if I could watch her, nothing could happen to her.

Thanks to everyone that commented and sent their support over this past couple of trying days. My mum is OK, if not a bit fragile but she has the Bro taking care of her along with the little bro's, so I'm not so worried. I'm terribly over tired but it's a small price to pay to know that my mum is OK. My family are a bunch of nutters and yesterday had a lot more easy laughter in it. The little bro's are like bloody gannets and within hours of an enormous food shop being done, the food just seemed to be disappearing out of the cupboards. For once my mum doesn't mind and even when the bickering started, I think she was just pleased to be back to normality.

We were all crying with laughter when the Bro (the 26 year old one) announced that he wants to be a house husband.

"I'd be f*cking brilliant! I'd stay home, cook and clean and just think! - I'd never be too tired to have sex and be ready to have it when she got home!"

The 20 year old bro is a moody one at the best of times as I think he's been smoking too much of the funny stuff, but he makes for good comedy.

"I've got a baby by a girl in Tallaght (place my mum is not very keen on).", which sent my mother into spasms. Later he said, "The reason why I have holes in my boxer shorts is because I'm gay. I keep trying to tell ya's!" which was in complete contradiction to the earlier baby statement and made us wonder if he has a concept of the birds and the bees.

"Have you got a girlfriend?", I probed and got no answer. "Are you shagging someone?", to which he made a weird snorting noise and then the cheeky git said, "Have you got a boyfriend yet?" Touche...

Later as 26 year old bro told us that he thinks he's met the one, we asked him if he's stuck to the rules and steered clear of having sex with her. "Nothing that can get you pregnant." and he refused to actually say what that was. She may be coming over to stay with us over the Christmas. "You do realise that would make you a proper couple?" and he nodded his head but looked like a deer caught in the headlights..

There was a time when my family used to drive me insane but I'm thankful that we're a bunch of nutters. We're not a conventional pickett fence family, - the 20 year old said yesterday "We're not the fookin Brady Bunch you know!" - No sh*t Sherlock! But they're my family and seeing my mums pride and happiness as she was surrounded by her 4 naughty, argumentative children, who haven't given her any grandchildren I may add ;-), made me feel really happy.

Before I forget, I contributed a post to Feeling Listless' review of 2005 for anyone who feels like having a ganders. The reviews are posts based on writing about something that we've always wanted to do and done in 2005, and I've done mine onb my brief liason with the gym! I'm off to bed soon - Tomorrow I'm spending most of the day on a train (visiting a client for about 2 hours) and guess who's with me? Yes, MBF (Male Best Friend)! This should be funny!

Family Emergency

I got the call from my mother that she was in hospital just before midnight on Thursday and from that moment on, everything became very surreal. I managed to draw comfort from the fact that at least she was in a position to phone me but she sounded terrible and when I spoke to the doctor he was cagey about revealing too much info till I got to the hospital. I spent the next hour or so on and off in tears and haphazardly packing whilst making the dreaded phonecalls to my brothers. I managed to have a weird sleep for about an hour and was at Heathrow by 5.30am.

It's really weird when you're getting ready to fly to see your mum in hospital. I found myself fussing over what I was wearing and went back in to put on earrings. When I arrived in Dublin, I got on the airport shuttle and I realised that I was stalling. When I got to the city centre, I got into a taxi and just tried to take in Dublin and its scenery whilst subconsciously fretting about my mum. I spoke to the Bro and he was stuck at Gatwick airport back in London but promised to be there asap.

I'm not keen on hospitals after spending almost 5 weeks in one when I was 5 and watching most of my playmates either go home or die. The last time I had been in the this hospital was when my mum and I were in a head on collision about 8 years ago. When I got to the A&E ward my mum wasn't in her bed and I felt nervous as I eyed the other patients and they eyed me. I sat there with my rucksack staring at the ceiling for fifthteen minutes and when my mum shuffled in, she burst into tears as she was shocked to see me. I managed to calm her and after speaking to doctors, I took her home.

I don't want to go into the gory details of why my mum was in hospital as my brain is struggling to cope with it and I want to protect her. My mum has been dealing with the racial harrassment and bullying at work, and whilst she has made a formal complaint, it has been investigated now for over 3 months. The accused has rallyed up and made a series of false allegations against my mum with the help of her gang and my mum has been suspended from work until they can find a resolution. I think most people would struggle under these circumstances. Before anyone jumps to any conclusions, it's not what you think it is!

She is OK now, if not more than a bit frail and very nervy. We're all home with her and she is loving having the 4 kids fussing over her. The Bro arrived last night and he has a way of saying things that some us are just thinking about. Within an hour of him arriving, we were back to being our pisstaking selves and he was even poking fun at my mum, which she loved. He's going to stay until January and I will be going back to London tomorrow morning and coming back on the 23rd December. I was exhausted last night and had periods of feeling ill yesterday but I had about 10 hours sleep last night. My joints hurt a bit but the main thing is that my mum is OK.

I just did the grocery shopping with The Bro who is very extravagant and the bill came to 189 euro! F'ing hell! That would be the load of wine and fine meats.... I had thought that he was strange (seemed quite unfazed) when I spoke with him on Thursday and told him about my mum, but he's just a man and very practical, which to be fair, is what's needed. He'll have my mum out lunching, dancing and boozing in no time!

I Love the Party Season

Sometimes when I'm dancing and singing like a lunatic or doing one of my dirty laughs (ok I only have a dirty laugh!) I have to pinch myself and check that I'm not drunk. How is it possible that when I go out with a load of people and they get drunk and I don't even drink, that I manage to carry on just as bad?

I had to go back to work today for my departments Christmas lunch and of course I sat with the naughty boys who completely took the piss for the entire lunch and told funny stories including one about the fact that one of their foreskins had split during sex. Hilarious! As usual I was taking the mick out of my colleague who I call Tina Turner due to her big hair. She was wearing a low cut top which showed a fair amount of bra and at one point I spotted her sucking her finger rather seductively and told her to stop fantasising about me. Cue one of our usual bitchy arguments and she insists that she was digging out her teeth. "Yes love, but that doesn't explain why you've got your tits hanging out....."

We did the whole Secret Santa thing, and I got my recipient the Best of Phil Collins as he's such a cheesy git! Everyone was cracking up laughing and we demanded that the barman played some tracks for us. The singing gave me inspiration and next thing you know I'd arranged for us to go to private karaoke at Lucky Voice for an hour.

The staff never knew what hit them. We went completely nuts in their for an hour as my colleagues belted out Oasis (Don't Look Back in Anger), Queen (Bohemian Rhapsody) and a couple of Justin Timberlake tracks amongst many. I was being a diva as usual and controlling the machine but I did get up and sing Jamelia's Superstar and Beyonce's Work It Out. When I finished 'Work It Out' one of the boys declared his love for me and I threatened to kick him in the nuts if he didn't shut up.

From there we rocked up to the Big Bosse's leaving speech - yes yet another person is leaving - and had to suffer a cringey speech from my boss who as usual managed to talk about himself more than the big boss! I went for a couple of drinks at the pub to toast his departure and now I'm back at home absolutely reeking of smoke and about to get in the shower.

Oh and I have been nicknamed Rubik or Rubes after the Rubik's Cube. Apparently I should be flattered at being considered to be a difficult but worthwhile puzzle to crack/solve. I accepted the compliment after I backhanded the annoying boys.....

Annoying Boys

A good friend of mine (one of Dot Dot Dot Man's best friends) just announced to me that he has met someone. Apparently they have been dating for 3 months and as he has had a pretty difficult year, I was so excited. As soon as I asked for details he clammed up and I realised that for a moment I had forgotten that he's a man and he's sketchy on the details of his relationships. Sure, it's taken him 3 months to admit that he's seeing her so I don't know why I am surprised at his reticence. If it was one of my girlfriends, I'd have known they'd met someone within days, or at least a few weeks of them meeting and when I tried to dig further, she would be only to happy to spill the beans.

Obviously Dot Dot Dot Man has neglected to mention to his friends that we aren't seeing each other, so I've done the job for him. I don't know what it is about the chumps in my life that seem to have a problem admitting that we aren't together...

The weirdo guy at my newsagents actually thinks that he is hot stuff and keeps flirting with me. He wears an open shirt, lots of grease in his hair and is definitely old enough to be my dad. All I want is the paper or water and I get a load of flirtation.

The maintenance guy turned up unexpectedly with some dubious story about checking my fan in the bathroom and kitchen. I knew nothing about this 'scheduled' visit and I was rather offhand with him. He was completely oblivious and was trying to be flirty and act as if we were mates because we've met once before. The strange thing is that he didn't actually come and check the fan in the kitchen....strange!

I've done two interviews today and I have another later on. I was mortified when I came out of the building from the first one and bumped into my old boss (he left a few months ago and I wept) having a fag. I've told him not to mention that he saw me as everyone I work or worked with are terrible gossipers. I have to go back in for my department xmas party tomorrow and yet another leaving do, and he's coming and I've made him swear he won't get drunk and mention that he bumped into me today!

The job hunting is going OK but I'm tired of being oversold by cocky recruiters and God help them if they annoy me today as I have woeful PMS. There is one particular guy who is wearing down my last nerve and I think I will be cutting the ties with his agency ultra soon. It's hard doing the whole job hunting thing because there aren't a lot of great places to work and I don't want to work myself to death either. In an ideal world I'd leave work, work for myself and it would be happy days and instead I'm getting a new job to have a change of scenery and cut the daily tie with Male Best Friend.

I've not been very well this past couple of days and I'm secretly worried that when I go for my 3 month check up on the 19th that I will be told I have to go back on steroids. I've had a cold for over 3 months and that's not good and the past couple of days I've felt like I have the flu. Being the typical drama queen I am, I lay in bed last night and somehow started thinking about dying (great way to start chest pains by the way). There is only a small percentage of people that die from my disease, but last night for about twenty minutes, I was one of them. I realised I have no will, but then to be fair I haven't any wealth to leave behind. My exes would inherit my debt though! Hee hee! I woke up this morning and I had stupid cramps and I realised that the deranged thinking about my imminent death was all due to PMS. I think I'm a danger to myself! I have kinesiology on Friday so hopefully that will help and at least I have time off to take it easy.

I have been using my time off to work on Baggage Reclaim (also check out new column)so do visit if you haven't and let me know if you think it's shite or you think it's good. I promise I won't clobber you to death with my FMB's if you tell me it's shite ;-)

Ask Me to Dance. Ask Him to Dance.

As he 'danced' towards our table, B and I looked at each other and tried not to laugh. Looking at Mr Dancer, I wondered why he was asking us to dance when he was camper than a field of tents...

He was really OTT about getting us to dance and after several attempts he finally took the hint. B and I were sitting in the middle two seats of four seats surrounding a table and had already had a guy on each side of us for over an hour. Only one of them was left now, Mr Shiny, and he was wearing a pink shirt tucked into his jeans and a fake leather jacket that was so shiny I could see my face in it. Mr Dancer turned his attention to Mr Shiny and tried to get him up to dance in literally the same way that he been trying with B and I. We watched this unfold before our eyes and as Mr Shiny gave in and got up and started dancing with him, I burst out laughing and said, "In all my years, I have NEVER been asked to dance by a guy and then had him turn to the guy beside me and ask him to dance!"

10-15 minutes pass by and B and I are doubled up laughing as they dance together. Mr Dancer is constantly hugging Mr Shiny and even kisses him on the cheek several times. We were fascinated primarily because we were 99% certain that Mr Shiny was very straight. Mr Shiny's friend returned with their drinks and was very caught off guard when Mr Dancer starts trying to dance with him too. He managed to drag himself away and sat down beside us and begged us to speak to him. As he is now pleading and babbling any old thing at us, Mr Dancer keeps grabbing at him to dance. "I'm not being rude" I said, "but either your friend is *very* naive, or he's gay because Mr Dancer is trying to get with him." As we chatted, Mr Dancer told B that he really fancied Mr Shiny! We explained to Mr Shiny's friend what had taken place when he was at the bar and he got up and spoke to Mr Shiny who suddenly realised what was taking place and sat down really quickly. I have to say, B and I were crying with laughter and I mean I had full on tears rolling down my face watching this whole thing unfold. I can spot a lad trying to make a move on me from about 50 paces, yet this guy who had another guy kissing, hugging him and feeling his arse was completely oblivious!

I had a great lunch with Spo who was fabulous company and treated me like a princess all afternoon. I naturally showed myself up when whilst chatting rather enthusiastically and trying to fork up some food, I somehow managed to cause the plate to flip and empty the contents of it on my lap. Jaysus.....

I had a visit with the dermatologist this morning and I have some manifestations of my illness (disease for those who can cope with that word) on my skin. I have a few red-ish marks on my face which are apparently unnoticeable to everyone but a strange lump on my knee which is proving to be painful. I start the steroid cream today which I'm not too enthused about. To add to my woes my immune system must have taken a bit of a dip as I have a sty in my eye, plus I had to have my blood test as I have my 3 month check up in two weeks. Pray for me all of you as I don't want them trying to put me on steroids for the rest of my life!

I had a lovely lunch with the bro today who entertained me and is also claiming that he may have met the woman of his dreams. He's not sure if they are a couple yet, but in the same breath that he said she may be 'The One', he told me that he'd also met another woman who was also very special. I give up! He's decided he's broody and wants to get married though, which may keep my ma quiet as she'd get the wedding and grandchild she really wants!

I'm High on Red Bull

I'm at home tonight as I am soooo tired and I have spent the day having what I imagine it must be like for a drug comedown as I drank five cans of Red Bull at our party last night. I still feel a bit jittery and today I've had palpitations, flutters in my stomach and even the shakes for a few minutes. I told my bro who was livid with me but he's just being a caring fusspot!

We hosted a party last night for our clients and lets just say that I saw a lot of very drunk people making a holy show out of themselves. I wore a very deep purple dress which didn't actually show any cleavage and was below the knee but apparently lots of people loved the dress (I've had it for about 7 years and it cost £10!). Unfortunately one of these nights out does not guarantee that I don't get hassled and I had to tell a client with eager little hands to beat it. There is nothing I need that badly at work that I want someone clawing my ass and trying to ride me like Zorro on the dancefloor. Sometimes he would just stand there and stare at me and I had to muster up the bitchy eyes. He was touching up another colleague ZeZe and she told him to f off, but he didn't notice and we gave up trying.

Male Best Friend and I had a row as he got completely shitfaced (so did B's boyfriend) and they both behave like complete drunken goons. After a while I was mentally pleading that they'd both f off and go home! MBF decided to be all lovey and he kept hugging, squeezing me and even gave me a few lingering touches on the arse. I warned him to stop but he forgot anything I warned him about as he was very drunk. All of the women seemed completely oblivious and the ones that don't work with us were making a beeline for him and there were clients gagging to be introduced to him. Well he may be the hottest looking guy in our building but he's a dick when he's drunk and I finally lost it with him just after 1am. The Red Bull gave me a boost of energy that I normally wouldn't have at that time and I gave him a right telling off and told him to go home. He drunkenly tried to defend himself, pulled the puppy dog eyes and did actually leave. He woke up this morning and he couldn't remember most of the night! He apologised about twenty times and I have accepted but I did tell him to back off.

Everybody was very hungover today (bar me on the Red Bull come down) and a lot of people took holiday days. It was ZeZe's last day today and I got all teary when she left. I don't know which is more upsetting: Her leaving or me being left behind! I'm not back to work until the 12th and I'll probably drown myself in the toilets when I go back to work and discover that she's not at her desk. She's a complete nutter who I only really got to know when we started working together a year ago and she's gone off to work for herself with her mother. She too came to the realisation that the corporate world wasn't for her (I used to think she was dead hard but she's a complete softy) and when she realised that I felt it too it seemed to solidify what she already felt. Boo hoo!

I'm not back to work until the 12th which means lie ins, relaxation, lots of work on Baggage Reclaim, job hunting and a spot of soul searching about what is going to happen over the next couple of months. I have a load of things I want to do with my free time around the house (sort out photos, put stuff on Ebay, have a massive clearout) but I wonder if I'll do them....

I'm being taken out for lunch tomorrow by Spo who without ever meeting me has been very, very kind to me. He's looked up stuff on my illness, sent me ridiculous jokes to cheer me up and even thought to mention me to a friend about a job! I should be taking him out for lunch but he won't hear of it!

ZeZe has gone to work in her mums business as a contract florist and this guy from work who is clearly besotted with her brought her, yes you guessed it, an EN-ORM-OUS bunch of flowers. It was so big, she couldn't walk to the tube station and had to get a taxi. And boys say women areillogicall!

I will respond to previous comments over the weekend. I'm trying catch up on blog reading!