Ma, I Love You but Zip It

My mum has been over in the UK for the past few days, although until yesterday she was with relatives including my father (cue The Omen theme tune). I spoke with her on Thursday whilst I was in a bar with my friend NK and she drew the wrong conclusion and thought he was The F*ckwit.

'No mum, it's my mate NK. It's over between me and the other guy.' Cue tumbleweeds.
'You've broken up with the doctor?' she said hesitantly.
'Well if that's what you want to call it. We were only seeing each other.'
'You can't go breaking up with your boyfriend!' she says agitatedly.
'Boyfriend? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!'
'Yeah well if you don't want me to think they're your boyfriend don't tell me about them!' she sniffs indignantly.
'I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THAT HE WASN'T MY BOYFRIEND. JAYSUS! I seem to recall that you were annoyed that I hadn't mentioned that I was even dating someone.' NK looks at me with that knowing look as he is all too familiar with dodgy phonecalls from my mother.
'YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP ALONE YOU KNOW!' she says. 'And a doctor as well....' I can bet she has told half of the West Midlands.
'Well he's a f*ckwit and I'm out, so I'll see you tomorrow' and I hung up.

Honestly my mother is on crack. You'd swear it was her breaking up with him and you can tell I've really put her nose out of joint.

I met up with her and The Bro mid afternoon yesterday in Harrods, a store I happen to not be very keen on as not only is it like a tourist explosion, but it's cluttered and has that tacky memorial for Diana. We had a good laugh though as she went in pursuit of God knows what in the store, and The Bro and I took the piss out of her. We finally settled down for afternoon tea and it was time to open the floodgates on interrogating The Bro about the lack of communication with the extended family and me on.....yes you guessed it....my biological clock.

Ma: I can't believe you would just finish it with him over a disagreement about your illness. I told you that you shouldn't tell guys about your illness you know. (I look at her outraged!)
NML: I haven't got the frickin plague you know! I don't run around telling people about it but unfortunately I get asked a lot of questions. Why don't you drink? Why don't you eat this? Why don't you eat that? Why are you flinching? Why are so tired? I have nothing to be ashamed of thank you very much!
Ma: I KNOW! But you should have just made something up when he was asking you questions.
NML: Er mum, he's a doctor.........I would like to think that he would see through my made up illness otherwise his patients are screwed! (My bro is doubled up laughing at the table)
Ma: Well there must have been other things wrong with him.
NML: Well I personally don't think it was going to work with him living away during the week, but to be honest mum.........the overriding factor is the fact that he's a f*ckwit.

She took it in turns to nag at us and eventually she gave up as we kept taking the piss out of her.

'By the time any of you have any kids, I'll be too old to play tennis with them! Or turn them into an athlete!' My mother is extremely athletic and was going to go pro, before life got in the way and shit happened, and then the joy of her life came along (me! hee hee!). She has spent most of her adult life being disappointed that none of her children have pursued it professionally despite us all having been good at sports. We all remind her of when she has been one of those scary, pushy parents...
'Ma, you're gonna be a granny. You're not supposed to running around tennis courts!'

As I tried to get her to hurry up and go in the bathrooms in Harrods she says 'Don't speak to me like I'm a bloody granny!'. We laughed at her and I said 'I figured seeing as you're so desperate for grandchildren, you wouldn't mind.........'

And in the bathrooms as my mum fixed her hair in the mirror, 'So what was so bad that the doctor said for you to just dump him? What has he got such a big opinion about?'

So I played my trump card. 'The virtues of medicine and steroids.'

'What?!' she says with her hands on her hips. 'Steroids? Well he can f*ck off!' and I think that the subject of the doctor is over...for now.

As we walked out of the store, she started waxing lyrical about various exes she used to hate, but all of a sudden has a rosemantic view. I told her to zip it and reminded her off all of the things she has said about them in the past and that I will put her in a nursing home in her old age if she doesn't zip it. As we walked around, she was admiring the black Tommy Hilfiger bag she brought me last year and I told her that whilst it is lovely, I have heard about Tommy apparently not wanting black people to wear his clothes and not to buy anymore stuff. Somehow she must have misheard me, because she said 'Tommy Hiln*gger doesn't want black people to wear his clothes?!' and I nearly wet myself laughing. My mum is inadvertently funny.

Naturally The Bro and I are both mad at her because she got us to clear our diaries for the weekend and has been kidnapped by relatives that she hasn't seen for ages. She didn't come home last night and didn't even phone and The Bro was livid this morning as he woke up at 3am on the couch after waiting up for her. She is still AWOL and is now not answering her phone, and The Bro is bending my ear, and now I'm cheesed off with her. Now I know how my parents felt when we used to disappear or not come home. How things change!

In another example of parents not listening, 'I was reading your site this morning' my dad says to me on the phone yesterday. 'WHAT DID I TELL YOU? You could read the article, not the blog!', to which he replied 'Hmm, I don't remember that....Anyway, I'm really enjoying it. Very funny!'

As I walked down the road last night, I had flashbacks of recent blog posts and kept stopping in shock. I wonder how much he'll be laughing soon....