Put That Beaver Away/Wild Time With The Irish Aunties and Mammies in Ibiza

The holiday got off to a fabulous start when Cass and I got absolutely legless before we even got on the flight. I decided to have some dinner to settle my hangover in the airport and swore I'd only have one glass of wine. Two hours later Cass and I were falling around laughing at the departure gate and the poor boyf couldn't make head or tail of what I was saying to him down the phone. After a dodgy moonwalk in the aisle of the plane, I passed out as soon as the plane took off.

When we arrived in Es Cana in Ibiza, it turned out that we couldn't check in till flipping 12pm the next day and it was now 4am. Luckily FiFi the bride to be turned up in reception and we ended up having to sleep in her room with her very a drunk husband to be. 'Foooking shut up!' was the first words he said to Cass and I were snickering in the bed. 'Ah shut up!' Cass wisecracked. 'This could beyour last chance to have 3 women in a bedroom with ya!'

Now I must explain that we are all here for a week and it's like FiFi has brought everyone in the neighborhood with her which means there are a load of aunties and mammies with her. Now these make me nervous because the last time I was on a hen night with Irish aunties, one of them tried to start on me! She whipped out her very large muffin (gut hanging over) in a bar and I must have winced and next thing you know I hear her saying 'What the f*ck you looking at you skinny bitch?!' and I just blinked a lot. 'Come on then! .....F*cking skinny bitch'.....

Naturally I'm wary of hen nights...

So of course when we got down to the beach yesterday afternoon and one of the older women from the neighborhood pulled down her bikini bottoms to show us her homemade Brazilian, I nearly died of shock! All you hear is a load of Irish women screaming the heads off, Cass trying to cover her face and me saying accidentally out loud 'I'm traumatised! I'm traumatised!' She then says with a big cackle 'I've left just enough hair on it to cover the eye of the storm!' Oh my jaysus! I eyed the little tuft of hair through my fingers that covered my face and wondered what an earth had weathered that storm for over 60 years....

We had the hen night last night and it was wild. We went to a local bar where FiFi kitted out in one of those skangy L Plates and a veil celebrated her last few days of 'freedom' in style. Her granny was there pulling up people's skirts and tearing up the dancefloor. Cass and I spent the evening petrified that that woman would whip out her beaver again. Later I drunkenly said 'If you don't sing karaoke you have to walk back to the hotel naked...except for you..'I said eyeing her warily. All the aunties and mammies started laughing and recounting the beaver episode and I said 'Ladies, I think I have post traumatic stress. What will you be showing me next? Your asshole!? My ma will be calling child services when I get back!'

I got in trouble with the management for messing with the DJ box and the TV. We didn't like the music so I snuck up to the computer and changed it. Next thing you know the DJ reappears and changes it. So as soon as his back was turned I did it again. Then he turned it off and put it on VH1 Classics on the TV, so I sneaked over and changed it to MTV Base so we could all grind up. Then they started waffling about too much noise and the po-lice so I took everyone off to the karaoke next door.

I knew I was wasted when I was dancing in the middle of the floor in the bridal veil to Billie Jean. I finished off the dance by taking the veil off and dragging it between my legs for theatrical dance moves. FiFi's ma shouted 'NML! Don't be getting beaver on the veil!'

I must post a pic of me in the veil when I get back....

The whole night was full of mooning, breast grabbing, singing, and shouting. Some of us decided to depart back to the hotel and because Cass and one of the girls weren't walking fast enough, FiFi's ma got us to moon at them. We thought we were on our own and a bar worker appeared from nowhere 'Hola!' he said with a massive grin on his face. 'FiFi's Ma!' I shouted. 'Are you wearing a girdle?'

Oh and I forgot to mention that I also rode one of those rodeo bulls...today I feel like I have been ridden ragged and my thighs are sore!

OK must dash! The beach is calling me! Hope you're having fun weekends :-)