That Anxious Feeling, Breaking Up Vs Prostitution
One of the beauties of having this blog is that it is like cheap therapy and today I am in definite need of lying on the couch and having a heart-to-heart. Actually, do people actually lie on a couch when they go and see their shrink? Maybe I have it mixed up with a casting couch....
Whilst talking to the boyf earlier, we started a discussion about council tax (a complete waste of money and daylight robbery) and as he explained the potential change when we're living together and I thought about the limbo situation in my flat, I suddenly felt sick with anxiety. The poor guy had done nothing wrong, but the discussion triggered my own worries. As most of you know, I offered for my mum to live in my flat after the house she was buying fell through but it hasn't been plain sailing on either side (I had an enormous row just before I went on holiday over the rent and bills) and my poor mum is being pissed about by her solicitor and her moving over has been delayed by almost 2 weeks so far. Naturally I have been in limbo, but sometimes daily phonecalls about every other thing that is going wrong in Dublin is starting to be a little draining. My mum has pushed out 4 kids and raised us well, but sometimes I feel like there is a role reversal!
Like a lot of women I know, some of them other bloggers, my relationship with my mother can be fraught at times although we actually get on really well now compared to how we used to. I love and adore her, but she's high maintenance and I am still adjusting to the adult version of our relationship. Recently we had one of our most honest conversations where I told her that whilst she was and is a great mum, it's no wonder things became strained between us when I felt constantly criticised by her, especially as a teenager. I felt like I couldn't do a thing right and whilst my mum only wanted the best for me (far more than what she had), as a 'child' it just felt bloody horrible and things can become a little skewed from that perspective. If it wasn't my hair, it was my face. If it wasn't my shoes, it was my clothes. If it wasn't my grades, it was my friends. I'm not one of these people who thinks that everything that's wrong with my life is down to my parents because despite my fraught relationship with my mum, she is a great mum. I'm just not used to us getting on well in close proximity and whilst the overriding feeling is excitement about her moving over, I'm also naturally anxious and to be fair, I know she is too.
For 4 years I have battled with my mystery disease and I am now on the road to recovery, but I have to be careful about how I manage emotional stress. It's not anyone else though - it's me. If I don't want to feel like sh*t, I should be more objective about stuff and stop worrying so much. It's a bit like when I had sh*t taste in men - If I really wanted someone better for myself I had to start bloody well acting like it!
I'm used to flying solo when it comes to my family. Don't get me wrong - I adore my ma and the bro's but I have in some respects separated myself off and now we're all joining back up together. They aren't the Brady Bunch and I wouldn't have them any other way. I'm just scared - scared of what will be expected of me and scared that I'll disappoint or that I'll be stressed out. I know I'm having a bad few days but I think because I have beared the brunt of stuff recently, what with the bro trying to cope with his new job, I need to get a handle on things and re-establish solid ground. The boyf has been great but I don't want to be anxious wreck all the bleedin' time! I'm lucky to have this wonderful guy who just isn't phased by anything. When all hell broke loose a couple of weeks ago with a family row, I expected the gauntlet to drop and for him to be scared off. He wouldn't have been the first.... Instead he said, 'Honey, why the hell would any of that matter? That's what families are...nuts! It will be fine. We will be fine.'
I have to pinch myself sometimes because he surprises me every day - I know what I have is solid and sure, but there is a teensy, tiny part of me that despite knowing this, has the NML of old in there that doesn't know quite what to do now that she's not being messed around by an emotionally unavailable assclown! NYM said to me ages ago that it's shocking that as women, we feel out of our comfort zone if there isn't a load of drama and we're not being treated like sh*t. Fortunately I know my past and even though there this teensy, tiny part of me that I need to nurture and that will disappear as time goes by, I know when I'm on to a good thing and I wouldn't balls it up.
As always when I'm stressed, I'm tired, moody, irritable and clumsy. I tried to adjust my shirt from the strap of my bag yesterday and little did I realise as I pulled the shirt down, the buttons had opened to the navel to reveal my purple bra to a load of people walking towards me on Oxford Street. Oh the shame! I also tried to swat some tiny little bugs off me on a station platform today and tripped over my feet and fell sprawled onto the bench....whilst a schoolboy pissed himself laughing...
Last night blogging slipped into the real world when whilst talking to the boyf on Skype (he's away with work at the moment) he demanded to know why I was reading a book about breaking up and dating again. 'I was actually going to go into the bedroom and wake you up and ask you, but I figured you wouldn't be impressed..... So?' he demanded laughingly. I howled with laughter. 'That's my blogger friend Breakup Babe's book which I was sent a copy of you lunatic! I'm reading Diary of a Manhattan Callgirl at the moment...does this mean you think I'm learning how to be a prostitute?!'
Hmmm...I feel better already!
Whilst talking to the boyf earlier, we started a discussion about council tax (a complete waste of money and daylight robbery) and as he explained the potential change when we're living together and I thought about the limbo situation in my flat, I suddenly felt sick with anxiety. The poor guy had done nothing wrong, but the discussion triggered my own worries. As most of you know, I offered for my mum to live in my flat after the house she was buying fell through but it hasn't been plain sailing on either side (I had an enormous row just before I went on holiday over the rent and bills) and my poor mum is being pissed about by her solicitor and her moving over has been delayed by almost 2 weeks so far. Naturally I have been in limbo, but sometimes daily phonecalls about every other thing that is going wrong in Dublin is starting to be a little draining. My mum has pushed out 4 kids and raised us well, but sometimes I feel like there is a role reversal!
Like a lot of women I know, some of them other bloggers, my relationship with my mother can be fraught at times although we actually get on really well now compared to how we used to. I love and adore her, but she's high maintenance and I am still adjusting to the adult version of our relationship. Recently we had one of our most honest conversations where I told her that whilst she was and is a great mum, it's no wonder things became strained between us when I felt constantly criticised by her, especially as a teenager. I felt like I couldn't do a thing right and whilst my mum only wanted the best for me (far more than what she had), as a 'child' it just felt bloody horrible and things can become a little skewed from that perspective. If it wasn't my hair, it was my face. If it wasn't my shoes, it was my clothes. If it wasn't my grades, it was my friends. I'm not one of these people who thinks that everything that's wrong with my life is down to my parents because despite my fraught relationship with my mum, she is a great mum. I'm just not used to us getting on well in close proximity and whilst the overriding feeling is excitement about her moving over, I'm also naturally anxious and to be fair, I know she is too.
For 4 years I have battled with my mystery disease and I am now on the road to recovery, but I have to be careful about how I manage emotional stress. It's not anyone else though - it's me. If I don't want to feel like sh*t, I should be more objective about stuff and stop worrying so much. It's a bit like when I had sh*t taste in men - If I really wanted someone better for myself I had to start bloody well acting like it!
I'm used to flying solo when it comes to my family. Don't get me wrong - I adore my ma and the bro's but I have in some respects separated myself off and now we're all joining back up together. They aren't the Brady Bunch and I wouldn't have them any other way. I'm just scared - scared of what will be expected of me and scared that I'll disappoint or that I'll be stressed out. I know I'm having a bad few days but I think because I have beared the brunt of stuff recently, what with the bro trying to cope with his new job, I need to get a handle on things and re-establish solid ground. The boyf has been great but I don't want to be anxious wreck all the bleedin' time! I'm lucky to have this wonderful guy who just isn't phased by anything. When all hell broke loose a couple of weeks ago with a family row, I expected the gauntlet to drop and for him to be scared off. He wouldn't have been the first.... Instead he said, 'Honey, why the hell would any of that matter? That's what families are...nuts! It will be fine. We will be fine.'
I have to pinch myself sometimes because he surprises me every day - I know what I have is solid and sure, but there is a teensy, tiny part of me that despite knowing this, has the NML of old in there that doesn't know quite what to do now that she's not being messed around by an emotionally unavailable assclown! NYM said to me ages ago that it's shocking that as women, we feel out of our comfort zone if there isn't a load of drama and we're not being treated like sh*t. Fortunately I know my past and even though there this teensy, tiny part of me that I need to nurture and that will disappear as time goes by, I know when I'm on to a good thing and I wouldn't balls it up.
As always when I'm stressed, I'm tired, moody, irritable and clumsy. I tried to adjust my shirt from the strap of my bag yesterday and little did I realise as I pulled the shirt down, the buttons had opened to the navel to reveal my purple bra to a load of people walking towards me on Oxford Street. Oh the shame! I also tried to swat some tiny little bugs off me on a station platform today and tripped over my feet and fell sprawled onto the bench....whilst a schoolboy pissed himself laughing...
Last night blogging slipped into the real world when whilst talking to the boyf on Skype (he's away with work at the moment) he demanded to know why I was reading a book about breaking up and dating again. 'I was actually going to go into the bedroom and wake you up and ask you, but I figured you wouldn't be impressed..... So?' he demanded laughingly. I howled with laughter. 'That's my blogger friend Breakup Babe's book which I was sent a copy of you lunatic! I'm reading Diary of a Manhattan Callgirl at the moment...does this mean you think I'm learning how to be a prostitute?!'
Hmmm...I feel better already!
17 Comments:
Blogging is so therapeutic. BF is right---everything will work out ok.
I was in the US Navy when I went through one stage of that transition. I was overseas, and every time I called home, it seemed Mom ragged on something. So instead of calling every two weeks or so, it got to be six or eight. For a while she ragged about the infrequent calls, until I commented that the nagging was annoying. When she stopped being negative the calls got warmer, and more frequent.
As an adult, I believe you have an obligation to nurture yourself and those around you, to the best of your ability. I would put care of the boyf as your first priority since this is still new territory, and you are well on your way to taking care of yourself and won't be endangering that. Then take care of yourself as a very close second priority, and other family next. Any time you start to stress over family, you really have to say 'Gotta go', and leave or hang up the phone. Another day will be plenty of time to make any amends needed. If you need to defend leaving, ask them 'Are you trying to put me in my grave, or just the hospital? I need to get away right now.'
One other thought, from the book 'Tools for Teaching' by Ford. Adrenaline takes 28 minutes to process through the body. From the time you feel the surge of emotion and other effects of adrenaline, your thinking is going to be affected for a half an hour. Now the part that you can do something about -- it takes several minutes for the adrenaline to peak. Immediately when you feel the stress or sense the adrenaline, pause, take a calming breath. Most of the time you can short-circuit the amount of adrenaline that hits, and reduce the effects by a bunch. This is advice to help teachers limit how much the kids 'get her goat'. Since you know that you especially won't win an argument, you have nothing to lose by turning aside, taking a breath, and trying to calm yourself. Then either move on if you can, or leave.
Blessed be, and Courage.
Everything will be FINE.... =) I know what you mean about women looking for drama and feeling unsettled over it. It's kind of like we have no idea what's after the hump. I think it will be sunny on the other side even when it's uncertain right now.
Men! We're just like it to keep you guys on your toes.
The fact that you guys seem to laugh more than you fuss will be your saving grace. True friendship is important. It's what makes my marriage so much fun. My wife is funny!
It was great seeing u yesterday, and I know that deep down you know everything is going to be just fine. Your mum will settle into her own routine, and once the stress of moving and all the other stuff subsides, you will be a destressed happy bunny again :)
Everything is going to be great! And, when family, etc is starting to become overwhelming...do what I do. Take a few deep breaths & then pour yourself a nice glass of wine.
I think you are very lucky because boyf loves you enough to care about your family. If you are feeling stressed never hesitate to be honest with him about it no matter what the subject is. One thing I've learned is that our expecations of how we 'think' someone will react get mixed up with how we expect them to react.
As for your mum, I often feel that my mom and I have switched roles but I think it's all part of growing up...for us and for them.
I'm with everyone else on this. Sorry you're a bit down, but being the fab NML that you are, things will work out.
Look at it this way. Your mum will never stop bugging you because that's what mum's do. The only way it will ever end is when one of you has popped their clogs. Seeing as that's the last thing you want, putting up with being bugged is by far the best option!
I can so relate to this, babe... my own relationship with my Mum has gone through similar stages, and now I just need to be around to look after her... she can be hard work though!
Now, I may have lost track with what's going on, but am I right in thinking that I won't be able to turn up at unexpectedly your place for a late night booty call because YOUR MUM will answer the door?
Dont stress sweety,all mums are like that,and evrything will be okay,and to u have a great bfrend.
Your self-awareness, combined with the way you reason through things, never fails to blow me away.
And I remember that occasional uneasy feeling you're having, not knowing quite what to do when you're not being messed around by an emotionally unavailable assclown! Felt the same way at the beginning of my relationship with Phil.
Five years later with him, I'm thoroughly, happily accustomed to being treated well.
I wish the same for you and the BF...
I have some catching up to do - but this was a cracking start - it's good that you are helping your old dear out and that things are still going great with the fella - and that you are still falling over and accidentally exposing yourself!
WOW!! Its letting me comment. I have tried loads recently but wasnt allowed :(
Im with you on the mum thing. I hear ya!
And your boyf, I LOVE him.
Everything will be fine, dont let him slip through your fingers. he sounds like a keeper ;)
I agree with all - 'cept I'd reverse the part about caring for BF first & you second. Take care of yourself first, so that you are in a position to take good care of the BF - he's a keeper for sure!
The rest will fall into place - just don't let it make you crazy in the meantime!
OH- and yes, shrinks do actually have couches in their offices, but they also have chairs, and it's pretty much a matter of comfort level. Some patients may want to sit facing the doc, and some may choose to not look at the doc, so that they feel comfortable enough to speak freely, especially with highly emotional areas, I expect. That's what the couch is there for. :-)
Always tough to adjust to the adult version of the relationship with your parents. No matter how old i get and how much responsibility i take on, still feel like a kid when talking to my parents.
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