The Master List Part 1: What the Hell Do I Want?!

*Apologies for the Blogger Cock Up over the past few hours!* Anyway...So it's been a few days since I went out with the doctor who wore knitted sweat in the form of a jumper and there has been a lot of opinion about whether I should or shouldn't see him again. The general consensus has been to see him again with caveats of getting him to wear deodorant, and a number of people mentioned his possible nervousness. I spoke with him briefly last night and he was really pleased to hear from me, loud and talkative, which I quickly calmed a little and noted that he is excitable and nervous. Not so nervous however that it should cause him to sweat buckets.....

He wants to see me again before heads off to start his new job an hour and half away and I didn't actually say yes, but I didn't say no either. One thing that's for damned sure, when he comes out, he will either have to smell fresh as a daisy without having to use deodorant, or he'll have to use deodorant. I'll claim my asthma's playing up.

Naturally my recent date has made me think about what I want out of a guy and a relationship. I think it's all too easy for me and many others to list the 'Donts' but not so easy to come up with the 'Do's'. I was asked for this recently and my brain said 'Ask me what I don't like Goddamn it!'. Vixen recently wrote about Master Lists, and this is what I am trying to get to. Now what I will write next is the first half and is subject to change and I'm sure I will get feedback on it. Oh and it's in no particular order!

1. Intelligent - I don't mean a know-it-all that rams it down my throat about how clever he is and thinks that he's superior. He can hold a debate, form opinions, and he is inquisitive and hungry to know more.
2. Doesn't Get Scared by My Family - My family are cool but they aren't for the weak hearted. They are the funniest people I know but most of my exes have turned into wusses around them.
3. Must Want Children - But not too many. Right now, I do want kids but haven't quite figured out how something that is quite small and struggles to accommodate things of a certain size, is going to push a child out of it. Two or three children will suit me fine.
4. Driven - Must have ambition, drive, energy, but he certainly doesn't need to be the next Donald Trump. Even if he isn't as ambitious as I am, he must be able to cope with my ambition! Speaking of which...
5. Happy for me to Work - I don't want to be someone who doesn't get to see my kids because I'm always at work, but I don't see myself as a housewife and if he knows what's best for him, he won't either.
6. Can cope with my Illness - I have sarcoidosis and much as I would like to pretend it doesn't exist, it does. It has taken me a while to realise how important this is, but I need someone who is understanding, supportive and can cope with the uncertainty of my disease.
7. Fun - We've established that wallflowers aren't my thing. Must be able to take the piss out of himself and be up for a laugh. We should be able to have fun even if we're just chilling at home or heading out.
8. Good Person - I'm not expecting a saint, but he should be kind, honest, trustworthy, respectful, honourable. I'm not looking to convert anyone to this, they must already be this!
9. Sociable - Must like to go out with his own sets of friends, with me, or as a group. I don't do boring.
10. Independent - Has his own interests, friends and doesn't think that we have to do everything joined at the hip.
11. Must Know How To Wipe His Own Arse - If I ever wash skid marks out of anyone's underpants, they should belong to a child, not an adult. Nuff said.
12. Professional - Works hard at his career. Not a coaster.
13. Hygiene - Showers at least once a day, no cheesy willy, no dodgy body odour, never has to be 'asked' to do it.
14. Good healthy love and respect for his mother - I don't want a mother lover or a mother hater as both are dicey, but a man that has a healthy relationship with his mum, who doesn't let her interfere with our relationship will score serious brownie points.
15. Legit - I don't do criminals. Gangsters moll isn't my thang. I'll never be a getaway driver, not least because I don't drive, and I also have no desire to make prison visits or hang out with dodgy friends.
16. Drugs & Smoking - He'd have to be pretty special for me to change my mind on smoking, but as someone who used to smoke and someone who can't now even if I wanted to, I'd prefer a non-smoker. Doing drugs is a personal taste thing, but it's not mine.
17. Knows How to Do His Share - Or can afford a cleaner. Ideally he should be able to cook, push a vacuum cleaner, and do odd jobs around the house at a minimum. I don't do lazy.
18. Sex - I don't do kinky. Shouldn't have thressomes, swinging, golden showers, coffee tables and poo, teabagging or anything dodge on the agenda. I like sex but I don't like it that much and the guy needs to be seeking ordinary thrills.
19. Heterosexual - This should be a given, but he must be straight, not in the closet, having his cake and eating it on the bi tip.
20. Responsible - Must be aware of his actions and impacts, doesn't need a mother figure, responsible with work, family, our life, our money. I'm not a pussywhipper.
21. No Wifebeaters Need Apply - Anyone who tries to beat my arse, will find themselves on the receiving end of a long line of angry Jamaicans! Must be sane of mind and hand - no emotional or physical abuse.
22. Baggage Free - Should have dealt with all his issues/baggage by the time he wants to be in a relationship with me. I'm not the type of woman that wants to listen to her man bitch about an ex, so it would be ideal to be ex-wife or babymama free.
23. Traveler - I'm a 2 holiday a year at least person, and he will need to be too. There is no point in being plane sick with me and he will have to cope with me dragging him to every shop in NYC for instance.
24. The Willy - Average size will do but no pencils, cocktail sausages or ugly dicks need apply. So big it should be in a porn movie isn't my thing either, as I'm only ' lickle'...
25. Appearance - Smart dresser, with his own sense of style. No white socks and blackshoes, or white socks and sandles, or pimp outfits, string vests, gold chains, Michael Jackson Thriller jackets. Doesn't need to be a metrosexual, but should care about his appearance, take care of himself etc. Shouldn't spend all day looking in the mirror, shouldn't wear thongs, or women's clothing. Yes these things could be changed, but if someone did this in the first place, they wouldn't be the right guy.
26. Must Have Bigger Feet Than Me - I neglected to mention this, but I was asked out by a guy a while back and he has the same size feet as me, UK4, US6 (I think). I know this sounds funny, but I don't want someone wearing my shoes when my back is turned.

If anyone has any suggestions, let me know!

This week's column on Baggage Reclaim is about me elicting laughs from my dating antics....strange that!

Good Date, Shame About The Sweat & Verbal Diarrhea

I have had the most hectic weekend (date, trip down south to Brighton, trip back to London, shopping and dining with the bro at Selfridges this afternoon) but I know that everyone wants to know about how the date went. A fair assessment would be that I had a great date with a hot guy but a few red flags went up over the course of the evening. I won't do a warts and all, but I will do my best to cover the important bits.

This past week has been hideously busy and my illness has been playing up so when it got to Friday, I was a bit worried as I was extremely tired and in quite a bit of pain. Then I thought of the hot date, and eventually dragged my ever diminishing arse to meet him wearing a rather funky black billowing netting skirt (semi ballerina style), footless tights, my ballet pumps with sequins and woolen embroidery on them, and a nice dusky pink French connection top which enhanced the bust without me looking trampy. When I sat down in the club on our date, the skirt looked great when I spread it around me on the seat.

The first thing I thought when I met up with him, was that he is seriously good looking and was dressed very well. We went to this bar/club and as we descended into it, I got this whiff. Now anyone who is familiar with my sense of smell knows that it is sensitive and particular, and this whiff was the faint smell of stale sweat. Over the next hour or so I smelt it several times and kept looking at him as I just couldn't believe that it would be him. Oh and he was really fidgety for an hour which meant that his head kept moving as he people watched and talked at the same time. As he relaxed, it stopped, but it was weird.

In the meantime, he actually talked for 80% of the time which is quite astounding when you're on the receiving end of it. Now don't get me wrong, he's funny, witty, intelligent and has a hell of lot of stories to tell about his extremely underprivileged upbringing and how he's ended up as a doctor. It wouldn't be fair for me to give the ins and outs of his background, but what I will say is that I was open mouthed at points as he referred to criminals and prisons. I am full of admiration for how hard he has worked but I also felt that his inability to have a balanced conversation instead of what felt like a verbal diarrhea where he seemed to empty the shocking contents of his life in front of me in a very 'There, I'm telling you every sordid thing about my life right now. Are you going to run a mile or stick around?' way. It was rather disconcerting and whilst it was very interesting, it was difficult to say whether I was really getting to know 'him'.

There was also the fact that he warned me against leaving my handbag with him at the table as I 'couldn't be too careful'. Naturally my CSI and 24 primed mind started wondering if my handbag was going to go walkies!

As I walked across the dancefloor, I passed a sweaty guy and on my return to the table, I said 'God, I don't understand how people can leave the house to go out without bathing!' My date proceeded to make all of these excuses for the sweaty guy and I started to wonder - Is he talking about himself and why is he defending Mr Sweatbucket? He then proceeded to tell me that he doesn't believe in deodorant and doesn't ever wear it as he prefers the natural odour and thinks women like pheromones. I actually choked in shock! Then he asked me to sniff him and I didn't have the proverbial balls to tell him that he did indeed smell rather bad. I reckon the jumper had a few wears so several layers of sweat were on it and it was just renk!

I popped to the toilet an hour later and it was only when I was in there that I realised that I was sans handbag. I never weed so quickly in my life! As I approached our table, he was rummaging (or so it appeared) in the pile ('Er, what are you doing!' I exclaimed) but it turns out that he was taking his phone out of his bag! I would never have thought there was anything to worry about if he hadn't made the comment in the first place!

We also got into a ridiculous discussion about punctuality and I had to grit my teeth as he explained that people who are habitually late are not disrespectful of other peoples time. He thinks that they have so much respect for time that they try to cram as much as possible into it, but run over time. Sometimes you just want people to talk to you normally and not intellectualise being late.

Oh and I forgot to mention that as of February, he starts a new job at a hospital an hour and a half away and will live there 5 days a week. Oh dear....

Oh and when you wince from lumps in your back caused by sarcoidosis, be careful because he proceeded to 'investigate', located the lumps, and caused me to feel sick with pain as he prodded around like a doctor! He then annoyed me several times, by jolting me suddenly, realising that I was in pain and then trying to soothe me when what I really wanted him to do was to stop!

I can't lie though. I had a good evening with him chatting (or should I say listening), dancing close (not so close that my face went near his armpit), people watching and trying not to be blinded by people flashing bumcrack and a very good cheeky snog towards the end of the evening. He has texted me to say that he wants to see me again and I haven't really made up my mind. I appreciate that some people think that a deodorant issue is one that can be fixed, but if you'd listened to him rabbiting on about pheromones and a hatred of deodorant, I wouldn't hold your breath! Oh and he doesn't own and iron or an ironing board.

To be honest, he reminds me vaguely of my father, who I love, but he'd never win any prizes for father of the year. He thankfully is fond of a shower, but reeks of fags which drives me insane (I mean cigarettes by the way), but he is very intelligent (he hasn't made the most of it though), cruises through life at a snails pace, he was born late and is habitually late and would probably come out with similar shite about ironing boards and irons.

I don't want to control a conversation but I don't want someone to monopolise 80% of the conversation. I don't want to be analysed, I don't want every bit of the conversation to be analysed, and I don't need to hear about I don't need to know about weird experiences you've had when you have casual sex! He is great fun and when I put aside the fact that he didn't quite know when to zip it, he was interesting as hell. Will I be seeing him again, I don't know, but I'm sure a few of you will have something to say!

Calamity....AND I Have a Date

I must have forgotten to pull my head out my arse yesterday morning because it was one cockup after another for the next few hours. It started with me tripping over myself in my team meeting and falling onto the table, narrowly missing tipping over my drink and my team pissing themselves laughing. I had a client visit and dashed from my meeting to Euston station to get the train. I was about twenty minutes into my train journey and felt this sudden urge to look at the address and as I stared at the name of the town, I felt panic clutch at me and without thinking said 'FFFFFFFFFFf*****************CKKKKKKKKKKK'. Everyone looked at me and I heard a few titters as I said to the guy who was looking at me questioningly, 'I'm on the way to Milton Keynes and I should be going to Watford!' He looked alarmed for about two seconds and then burst out laughing.

I don't know how and why I got the idea into my head that I should be going to Milton Keynes but I was f*cked. I phoned Tina Turner in a panic and she was great and checked the times online and we calculated that once I transferred to another train and went back on myself, I was indeed.....f*cked. As soon as the train pulled in, I belted it off the train and ran towards the platform guy as I had five minutes to get the correct train. He informed me that it was platform two and I legged it upstairs. As I was about to descend to the platform it occurred to me that I should check that my ticket was valid as I didn't really want to explain a fine to my expenses dragon. He advised me also that it was platform two. It took ten minutes of standing there, noting that no train had arrived, watching two trains come and go on other platforms, looking at the screen which didn't mention Watford for me to twig that the dumbo twats had given me the wrong platform. In the meantime I had phoned my client and when my receptionist had passed the message, apparently he'd had to put his other call on silent as he was laughing so much. I was going to be too late, so I headed back to London thoroughly f*cked off.

Naturally my team mates have had a lot of laughs at my expense and the client was still laughing when I spoke to him today.

I spent most of today in meetings and just before the afternoon meeting started, my colleague PDot (our PDiddy style nickname for him even though he couldn't be less ghetto if he tried) disappeared with the newspaper in hand. Newspaper..........PDot........Walking towards toilets........Newspaper......Oh no! 'Where the hell are you going?' I shouted after him. 'He's going for a tom tit (sh*t)!' says David Brent. I was livid! I had to keep my client waiting whilst PDot went for a poo! Jaysus!

I spoke with the guy I met last Friday for almost two hours yesterday and we are going out this Friday night and we were both rather pleased with ourselves at the end of our chat. I know this may sound strange to anyone who has got the gist of my personality, but the guy talks WAY more than I do, which no-one will probably believe. We talked about all sorts of things and I felt like we really started to get to know each other, and dig a little below the surface. I always said that I wanted to meet a guy that would challenge me on every level (not in a dominating, wife beater style) and he certainly knows how to make me think or look at something a little bit differently. He also knows how to compliment me without saying anything remotely cheesy. Very subtle, pleasing comments and references, and seemingly I have done this to. He sees something good or sensual in the unspoken or the subconscious moves and I was surprised when he described a unconscious gesture I had made with my hand as I said goodbye to him on Friday and that this gesture heightened the attraction. It's all good, but it's early days so don't go getting too excited my friends! I am enjoying this so far, but you know what I'm like and I don't want to get too excited........and then look like a dick! But it's good. Now all I've got to do is figure out what the hell I'm wearing!

And The Rest

It's rare that I meet anyone that I connect with and as most of you know, it's rare that I meet anyone that makes me feel lustful, so naturally, when it rains, it pours because the club was chock full of totty and I had the two hottest guys in front of me, confusing the hell out of me. One was tall, one was short. The tall one was far more outgoing and immediately came across as sensitive and intelligent. He asked me if I was going to give him a chance to get to know me and after making a wisecrack about choice and him laughing at it and charming me again, we headed upstairs with M.

He's about a year younger than me, he's recently qualified as a doctor, and it seems that he's got a writer and poet within him. He's very deep and M and I really enjoyed talking to him as he's insightful, witty, intelligent, sensitive and sexy as hell. We headed downstairs a while later and danced together and he's a very good mover. Normally guys try to get fresh with me and give me a ride through my clothes. We were close and he didn't push his luck. As we moved together on the dancefloor, it felt like a space had cleared around us and it felt nice to hold hands with someone and them intertwine their fingers with mine.

One of the things I liked about him is that he didn't turn into an arse when I got attention from other guys. Normally guys throw hissy fits when they think someone is in their territory, but he laughed with me and was unbothered, probably because he was clever enough to realise that they were no threat. I was mortified that guys would still try it on when they could clearly see that I was with someone else and to make matters even more embarrassing, a number of guys that I'd seen in the previous bar that had been mouthing hellos at me had turned up in the club! They kept trying to get my attention and I kept giggling. One guy actually said to my guy, 'Is that yours?' and we howled with laughter. I can't believe how some men view women as property, a piece of meat.

As for my guy, we've been texting and I should be speaking to him tomorrow to arrange to meet up. There is the initial urge to go hell for leather and talk the ears off each other the day after, but I'm glad that I've been so busy (and him) and things have settled over a few days. Normally it starts off too fast, but I think a measured approach may be good here. At least that's what I feel like today! I will update on what's happening but it won't be a blow by blow account as I think I'm getting a bit wiser in my old age. Of course I won't be able to help myself and refer to him but I've twigged that I should preserve some mystery. Naturally if it all goes tits up, mystery will go out the window!

I went out Thursday, Friday and Saturday and was seriously tired by the time Sunday rolled around. I have danced my little booty off and flirted for England!

This morning I went to the hospital for my overdue 3 month check-up. It wasn't all bad - I'm not going back on steroids, but that's only because I refused. According to my chest x-ray which is showing an increased amount of activity (shadows) and my blood test which is showing an increased level of the enzyme which indicates sarcoidosis (It was 25, now it's 80, although at it's worst it was 200+ and it shouldn't be more than 52). I'm not badly ill, but the indicators show that I have declined a bit and they are monitoring me. Clinically they think I should be on steroids for life, but fortunately my doctor recognises that I am trying alternative therapy and it is making a difference. I'm fine and I'm not stressing about it because obviously that would only make me feel worse! This does mean though that I will have to make some decisions about what I am doing with my life over the next few months because if anything says I should do what makes me happy, this bloody does!

As for naming 'my guy', I'll name him soon, I promise. I'm not dishing out character names until I think he'll be around for a bit!

I'm Like a Kid in a Toy Shop

I have been out for the last couple of evenings and I'm off out again tonight. I have had such a laugh and I have been making a lot of mischief. And....(drumroll please, cymbals clashing, seas parting).....I may have met someone that I like. I hope I haven't caused anyone's computer to crash!

I went out with my crazy colleagues for a leaving do and I was still laughing at the antics last night. The funniest part of the evening was after Male Best Friend (MBF) left. We're totally cool with each other and we're more over than a shiny tracksuit and scrunchie, but it doesn't stop my ridiculous colleagues from speculating. One guy in particular P-Dot (we named him after P Diddy), whenever he has a few drinks, he keeps asking where MBF is and if I'm missing him. On Thursday night, he asked where MBF was every five minutes or so for half an hour. When we left the bar with David Brent (my old boss) in tow, P Dot starts taking the piss out of bouncers and just as we were crossing Oxford Street, a tall black man in a long coat similar to MBF's sprinted by. David Brent and I watched incredulously as P Dot starts shouting, 'MBF! MBF! Stop! Stop!' and then attempts to do a drunken run across the street as traffic approached. We told him to shut up and explained that not every tall black man is MBF, but he kept calling out to him and asking me why he was ignoring him. I was pissing myself laughing as I could tell by David Brent's facial expression that he thought he was going to have the shit kicked out of him by a gang of black youths. Hilarious!

Last night I headed out with M and when I say that I was laughing so hard we choked and cried, I mean it and then some. After going to one bar and discovering that it was rather quiet, we headed to another and as we were walking towards it, we bumped into Nelly-Not. We call him this because he was going around with a plaster (Bandaid) on his cheek. He had seen us parking a few minutes before and now when he saw us again, he asked where we were going and actually made a helpful suggestion of a different bar first. We walked away and M said, 'He's coming for you!' and I replied, 'He can come all he wants because I won't be having anything to do with it' and we giggled all the way to the bar.

It was wall to wall totty and I was like a kid in a toy shop as I tried to stop myself from staring. I don't go out to pull, but it is nice to see totty when you're out. I wouldn't necessarily have gone near quite a few of them for various reasons that include looking like BA Baracus from the neck down, but I practically rubbed my hands together with glee. Within ten minutes, several guys had tried to get me to speak with them and the bouncer had invited us back for what M and I referred to as an imaginary party, ie his bed. Nelly-Not found us and proceeded to flirt outrageously with me. He started out merry and got rather drunk which made for a lot of jokes. He asked me what I was looking for in a man and I said, 'I don't do ghetto' and later when he actually pleaded with me for my number I said 'I don't do eager.'

The best part though was when he asked me what I was drinking and not realising that he actually meant to buy us drinks, I told him. As he walked away, M turned to me and said 'What are you doing?! What if he spikes our drinks!?' The bar was absolutely rammed and for the next fifteen minutes that he was at the bar, M and I were crying with laughter as we came up with ideas for either asking him if he'd spiked us or getting out of drinking them. It was agreed that she would do the talking because my urge to pisstake would make me tactless. The tear inducing laughter was caused by such things as, 'If he spikes us M, how is he going to carry the two of us out of here?';'What if we find a piece of paper, tear off two strips and pretend that they are rohypnol tests?';'NML, I'd better warn him that I weigh more than you for when he's carrying us out';'M, do you think he's got a sack with him to carry us out?';'NML, if you make it, tell my mum I love her' to which I replied, 'Yeah, tell my mum and family the same and you can have my iPod and all my shoes as promised.'

When he returned, M told him in a light-hearted manner that we had been worried about our drinks being spiked and he looked shocked for a moment but totally understood our worry. About a minute or so passed, I took a sip out of the drink, wiped my forehead and swooned dramatically announcing, 'Ooh, I think I feel a bit faint.' M laughed so hard she had to thump her back because she choked on her drink and even Nelly-Not nearly wet himself laughing.

Nelly-Not became rather boring though when he just wouldn't shut the f up and kept asking for my number, asking me to promise to call him if it was just him who gave his number, telling me he didn't want to pressure me, and eventually whining about how much he wanted to go out with me. 'Listen to me! Do not say the words PRESSURE, NUMBER or PLEASE! I don't do eager! Chill out and stop going on about it!'

The presence of Nelly-Not was impacting on my totty scoping and whilst he was whining at me, I should have been missing out. Instead, guys were catching the eyes, mouthing hi and saying see you later and to come and talk to them.

M and I left there and headed to the club around the corner and as soon as we walked in, the kid in a toy shop feeling kicked in as I surveyed totty and guys called out to me. I headed downstairs where the club bit is and it was really busy, quite dark, very smokey and I was afraid I'd get high on the whiff of ganja. Guys just kept trying to get attention and I looked ahead and danced, but out of the corner, I saw not one, but two very, very hot guys. I cracked a big smile, and yes WDKY, a little flick of the hair, just as another woman cut through and started talking to the taller of the two. Thinking that I must have missed the boat, I turned around to dance and a couple of minutes later, the tall one started a conversation with me by asking me if he looked like someone from the country (he was wearing a rather funky tweed cap and jacket with shirt and jeans), which was my cue to take the piss a bit and flirt. Within moments I was talking to both hot guys as it turns out they are best friends.

Now, I won't write an epic so I'll have to finish off this tale tomorrow, but I will leave the cliffhanger of...I was actually blinded by high dosages of totty and being disarmed by two very lovely guys. I chatted and flirted away and felt unsure as to which one I was interested in (trust me, you would be with that much hotness in front of you) and which one of them was actually interested in me. Fortunately the choice was made for me and I had a very good night and we've already texted each other today.

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm off out, again! xx

Editors Note: Having your drink spiked is serious before anyone thinks that I don't take it seriously, but fortunately my ability to make light of most things means that we were able to ask him straight out. Always make sure that you can see what is happening to your drink!

Everything's Bubbly

Today I spent six hours in a long-arse meeting and I had a serious case of the bubble-guts for half of it. I have felt rougher than a badgers arse for the past couple of days, ever since my boss dragged his bony arse into work on Monday afternoon, after spending the previous twenty-four hours chundering. I'm not as bad, but have you ever sat in front of a big client and felt the colour leaving you, a serious urge to puke and a horrible jab in the tummy AND managed to grimace it out till you could run for the bathroom?

I am so busy at work at the moment that I don't have time to be idle. I have a new routine which is that I check blogs whilst on calls so that I can free up my time after work because I have to write for Baggage Reclaim, deal with the day to day on that, plus I have a couple of other projects that need my attention. This new routine has made a massive impact on my evenings as it has freed up my time. So anyone who thinks I'm not reading their blog, I am, and I will, and I will comment as often as I can.

Speaking of Baggage Reclaim, check out this week's columnn from me, which is about women needing to turn on their BS meter, and NYM's column which is on double standards and the 'Poor Pathetic Me Whine' (PPMW). I think we've both had a healthy dose of beeyatch pills this week....

I am out for the next few evenings, with Friday being a girls night out in a new club, which hopefully means a spot of fresh totty, although don't go holding your breath peeps. I wouldn't want you all to suffocate....

And there has been a major development in my life. My mum has got in touch with her side of the family, something that hasn't been done for years. To cut a long story short, yesterday I spoke to my cousin, who I adored as a child for the first time in almost ten years, and within a few minutes it was like we had seen each other ten hours before. She has got a twenty month old daughter who I can't wait to see and I will be meeting my cousin for lunch tomorrow hopefully. With regards to everyone else, I will go slowly. My health comes first which means that I have to be sensitive to how I subconsciously react to big emotional changes. I don't want to feel anxious about things and I admit that I did when I spoke with my mum this afternoon, even though it probably was unnecessary. So today, for the first time in a very, very long time, I can officially say that I am 'in touch' with my entire family. That means that there will be at least double the amount of craziness to deal with as my entire family are a funny bunch.

I popped out from work for a few minutes to grab some breakfast this morning, and bumped into one of the rare cute guys from my office. My friend who works with him claims that he told her that he fancies me but I also happen to know he has a girlfriend and I don't do borrowed or soiled goods. Naturally though I flashed him a big smile and a flick of the hair...and narrowly avoided crashing into someone and knocking over their drinks. Oh dear...

Like I Give A...

Last night, I spoke with D3 who was very apologetic about Friday, although I did have to put up with male pride which made him defensive. It seems that he had to talk with all of his friends over the weekend as they had all been uncomfortable and had all assumed that he was seeing her. He was extremely emphatic that he isn't and a lot of his defensiveness seems to stem from the fact that all of us, which includes people that he has known for a very long time, thought that he had put me into a nasty situation. His friends now feel bad because saying that they felt bad for me, to me, was jumping the gun and added to the situation. Miss Brazil told him that she knew that I was unhappy with her behaviour and that she may have said something to me, but she couldn't remember what. D3 said to me, 'Do you honestly think that I would be friends with an asshole?' You said it not me....

As an aside, I must correct and say that I was supposed to go to the club, but changed my mind and decided to go home. I made the decision to go in the taxi, I wasn't shoved off.

D3 didn't actually understand why I was annoyed at the time so he was shocked by my text apparently. It didn't matter that I spoke with him at the time as he either had too many drinks or he just didn't get it. Unfortunately he did get it by the time his friends had spoken with him and I sense that he's pissed off at his rep. Not my problem. It's not the first time I have been given support by one of his mates, as last summer at my birthday, one of his best friends, who is a friend of mine told me to make sure that I don't let D3 take advantage or take the piss with our relationship. I finished what had not even started properly, a week later.

It's done with now and I have returned to being the NML who didn't give a rats ass prior to meeting him on Friday. I never call him, he calls me and he has been the one keeping up this 'friendship'. I don't think about him from one week to the next, and I'm not about to start now. We had fun, it wasn't meant to be and I stand by my decision to call time on what we had, which didn't actually amount to much. If he wants to f*ck Miss Brazil through a month of Sunday's, he can, but don't bring me into that bullsh*t! It's done with now and I want to forget that evening and him. I need to be with decent guys, not jackasse's that have poor judgement and small balls.

I actually cried with laughter several times today which just goes to show how funny my colleagues are. Clean things heard as dirty, Tina Turner talking out of her beaver as usual, the boys being childish and bickering, and also the most ironic moment of the day when someone said that they were living on mineral water and salad, when it was clear that it was anything but what they are living on. ...

Several people were off sick today including my boss who came in this afternoon. I promised to be nice to him and even allowed him to pick his nose for one afternoon. Later, as I chatted with a client for far too long, I thought my bladder would explode as I had drunk too much water. My boss was looking at me grimacing and in the end I wrote on a post-it, 'I'm busting' and he looked at me questioningly and I added 'wee' on to the post-it and showed it to him and then had to stifle the giggles as he mock swooned.

As I walked to the station this evening in a bustly skirt and FMB's and it was only after five minutes when I realised that wind or static had lifted my skirt and bunched up the front so that I was baring a lot of leg. I pushed it back down but it happened several times and as I ascended up the escalator, my skirt went for the full blow up. I'm back on form!

Tissues & Issues

On Friday night, I had a very unpleasant experience with D3. I met up with him and on the way to the bar he mentioned that a female friend that was upset was coming to join us at the bar. Before she arrived, I laughed and chatted with his two guy friends and one of their girlfriends. When Miss Brazil arrived, the atmosphere got sucked out of the group.

She seemed to dislike me instantly and was hell bent on making me feel uncomfortable. I watched as she flirted, did a spot of playfighting, grinding, clutching, grabbing and dragging of D3. We all (not D3 and Miss Brazil) were caught off guard with her behaviour and it became even more uncomfortable when Miss Brazil came onto the girl, who promptly told her boyfriend and the rest of us. Alone with Miss Brazil for a moment, she wasted no time telling me that she was close friends with D3 and other mutual friends, that she talks to D3 almost every day and sees him most weekends. I felt really uneasy and was finding it difficult to hide my discomfort when D3 came back. I took a breather and popped into the bathroom, checked my voicemail and made a call.

When I came back out D3 looked nervous and I found out a while later that he had been asking if I was OK and he had been asked, 'Er, would you be OK under these circumstances?'

I snapped when D3 tried to make a joke about it. I told him that I didn't know what the hell he was playing at but I don't appreciate being treated in that way. He seemed confused for a moment until I spelt out what had been happening and had been said.

'Funny, D3. When you and I were dating, I was lucky if we spoke once a week at times, yet you speak with her every day and hang out with her every weekend! The way she has treated me tonight, I feel like I've been set up by you and I don't f*cking like it! I'm so annoyed with you right now. If I was a different type of woman, I'd thump you and I'd thump her downnext.'

'What!!!!???? You KNOW me. That is all exaggerated! And me and her are just friends. That's it!' and proceeded to get me to listen to him and trust him. 'She's just very drunk. I have never seen her like this.'
'I'm sorry D3, but I fail to believe that this woman who has behaved like an obnoxious, arrogant, nasty bitch to me has never shown this side of herself. Your friends are uncomfortable and one of them has left!'

We talked for a bit and I looked up to see Miss Brazil standing in front of us. She gave me a small wave goodbye and demanded that D3 follow her to the group of guys that she was chatting up. How rude is she?!

I chatted to his friends (the couple) and they kept saying that they felt really bad for me. I overheard the guy say to the girlfriend that he had told D3 that he was out of order for putting me in this situation and told him he shouldn't have had both of us out. I felt vaguely nauseous after a while. It was being made to feel uncomfortable for the best part of two hours and having to grin and bear it and play Mrs Nice Guy. Despite what I felt, I didn't want to make a scene and that's how I found my stomach churning from discomfort.

The couple headed home, after D3 put me into a cab and headed off to the club with Miss Brazil. Before the evening went sour, we were all supposed to be going to the club. D3 insisted I text him when I got home and so did his friend. I sat in the taxi and I could feel over a month of frustration about various things blowing up. Being passive, being nice, being strong because that's what NML does. I walked into my flat, took off my coat, sat on the sofa, exhaled and burst into tears. And I don't mean little ones, I mean great big horrible, gut wrenching sobs.

My phone beeped. 'Are you home yet...' and the dots made me feel even worse. I replied with, 'I'm home. I don't know what you were playing at tonight but I have been made to feel embarrassed and uncomfortable and it's not what I expect from you. I am upset, trust me I am upset.'

I phoned my mate Nac and as we talked, another text came through from D3's friend asking if I was home OK. I ignored it and continued talking and then they started phoning me. I took the call and hearing them say how awful they felt for me made me feel even worse. They said that this woman was just jealous and D3 was too stupid to see what she was doing.

Naturally D3 hasn't responded because he is a complete wuss with this stuff and is no doubt hiding away from confrontation. I'm sure he will get in touch at some point but I'm over the upset now. I'm not upset with him because I want him (I don't) but because I don't like being treated like that and I was suspicious that I may have been put into a situation that was completely unnecessary. If D3 is seeing someone else, good, but at least have big grown mans balls and admit it instead of letting the jumped up cow be on my case all evening!

It wasn't just him, it was a combination of things and the lesson I have learnt is to stop being so feckin nice. I let some people I consider friends take complete liberties and for all of my big talk, I've been opting for a quiet life and avoiding some uncomfortable conversations. And yes, I did lie in my last post about it being a great week. It was a good week in a lot of respects, but it has been extremely trying in some other respects and combined with D3, my buttons got pushed. I can't be strong all the flippin time, and it won't kill me if I'm not.

On a brighter note, I had a nice time at the family get together. (I had planned to say more on this, but the D3 fiasco took precedence). My aunt (the host) has these neighbours that dress in Nike from head to foot. I should also mention that my aunt is probably the only black person for miles! Anyway, as I sat at the table and looked around at the twenty or so people, I stared at The Nike's for a moment and whispered to a couple of family members, 'It just dawned on me half way through dinner that all the black folk are sitting at one end of the table and the whites at the other.' Cue much choking on food and falling around laughing. I swear the seating arrangement wasn't intentional but it sure was funny!

TFI Friday

The weeks are zooming by and with any luck the winter will be over quickly too as I can't take all of this cold! Work has been really busy and I've been writing a major presentation for what feels like ten years but it's actually been a good week. There has been lots of laughter and we've been bantering about Celebrity Big Brother which has no doubt become every office obsession!

I am hanging out with Dot Dot Dot Man (formally The Contender) shortly. It's not in any romantic way, but just as mates catching up. I haven't seen him for the best part of 2 months so there is much to catch up on and I know there will be a lot of laughter. When he phoned, he asked me if his voice had sounded odd as his friend claimed that he was trying to talk sexily too me. 'Don't make me laugh! If that's sexy, it went right over my head!' He was jokingly outraged. It's amazing how easy it is to slip back in to the banter and get straight into pisstaking.

Have I mentioned that I have met up with two bloggers recently? I met up with the fabulous Wyn last week, who by the way, is really gorgeous and she's lovely! I felt like we had known each other for years and I was sorry I didn't get to meet her sooner. Last night I met WDKY for the first time and we had a lovely dinner at a Vietnemese restaurant. It's always nerve wracking meeting bloggers for the first time as you have no idea what to expect. WDKY told me he was in a white suit which made me laugh. He told me he was serious and I laughed even harder but I did secretly wonder how I was going to keep a straight face and walked down the street with Saturday Night Fever! Fortunately he wasn't dressed in a white suit and we had a good giggle! He is so easy to chat to and I'm delighted we met up at last. I'm so lucky that I have met up with some really great people as a result of this blog!

One of my aunts is throwing her usual annual Christmas party (a touch late this year) which means that it's gonna be blackstreet. I have no doubt it will be good fun as people practically murder each other for the food and then elbow each other out of the way for the limelight as we do makeshift karaoke. I'd better get singing along to Diana Ross and Aretha Franklin on the iPod! I don't see my fathers side of the family very often and I haven't seen most of them for absolutely ages, so it will be good to catch up.

I overslept yesterday and woke up 12 minutes before I was due to be at work. The quicker I tried to get ready, the slower I went and I was in horrible pain still. I had to phone work obviously and thankfully they were laughing but because I wasn't really awake yet, I felt really pissy about it. Fortunately by the time I got in and they slow clapped me, my humour had returned to me. I have vowed to get an early night each night next week!

Oh and I think I'm having a singles night! Yay! Hot totty ahoy! I hope...

My booty is shrinking though! Booooooo! But the boobs are juuuuust fine!

Have fabulous weekends all of you!

ps: I know I have comments to catch up with! And blog reading!

Great Realisations

I'm sitting at my desk today minding my own business when the boy I used to manage, stops in front of my desk and says, 'NML, I don't want to ruin it or anything, but you have been in a really f'ing good mood since you came back to work (after Christmas). Like a REEAAAAALLY good mood, all glowing and sh*t! I guess we owe your happiness to a new man then, eh? Who is he then?' and the whole bloody lot of them turn to look at me with interest and it goes very quiet. 'Well it's not down to dick, that's for DAMN sure! Why do people equate the happiness of a woman with the existence of her man in her life? If there was man in my life, I'd probably be bloody miserable!' Cue much laughter. Oh shit, there I go entertaining people with my singledom at work. Must make a note to laugh at their lives tomorrow ;-)

I was bowled over today when I discovered that my mum had woken early this morning and decided to surf the net this morning and read this blog and Baggage Reclaim, AND left a comment on Baggage! I thought I had misread it and when I phoned her, my mum was praising me like there was no tomorrow. Now my ma doesn't do overwhelming praise and when she says something is shit, it is actually shit, which can sometimes be hard to hear. However, listening to my mum doing full on belly laughs as she told me about things that I had written and sounding genuinely bowled over about Baggage Reclaim was surreal.

She said it herself, she is my hardest critic and it used to bug the hell out of me, but as I have got older, things have slotted into place mentally and I know that my ma means well and loves me. If she had been blowing smoke up my arse all of these years, I'd be the equivalent of those people that you see on X Factor/American Idol and the plethora of reality shows that have no concept of their talents or abilities because their parents have told them that they sound like Mariah when they actually sound like nails scraping a blackboard. I'm delighted that she loves it although I'd like her to put her hands over her eyes for any articles of a sexual nature.....I'm still a virgin ma! OK, maybe I'd better not push my luck...

I had a kinesiology session this evening and I'm quite tired after it. I am in a bit of pain but I think it's all old stuff working its way to the surface. I haven't said anything about it, but my left knee has been badly swollen for a while but it is settling down and it's now almost back to normal. The great thing about alternative therapy is looking at my body holistically, and I'm finding that I need to work on old emotional stuff. My mum being very wise said to me recently that she felt that I had gone into some sort of internal shock a few years ago after the breakup with my ex etc and a part of me must have shut down. Today, my alternative therapist confirmed her 'diagnosis' and I have to work on letting out all of the things that I have shut out. People praise me for being strong and being a survivor, but I guess that shutting things out, taking the piss and carrying on regardless has caught up on me. There were lots of startling realisations and I suspect there are more to come.

The good thing is that I'm not tired during the day anymore and I can feel my energy creeping back slowly. My mind is clearing and I feel at ease and I have a lot of clarity and now have to find a way to do something with it. It was scary when she was 'working on me. She wasn't touching where I have the pain, yet when she was working on me I would suddenly get waves of pain on those areas.

If you haven't been on Baggage Reclaim this week, pay it a visit if you get a mo, and check out this weeks column from me.

I think there are a lot of dirty old men living in my neighbourhood. I got perved on as I was walking home this evening. Two out of three had walking sticks and I heard one of them say, "Hey beautiful." (hardly horrible) and as I walked on I heard one of them say, "Oh...yes..that'd be my kind of girl" and I turned back and looked at them and burst out laughing. Sure what else could I do?

Just Let Me Get My Foot Over The Door

I'm starting to feel wary of putting my foot over the threshold at work because on a couple of occasions over the past few days I've had to give hugs, help and comfort and I don't know what to expect. I was late for work due to the strike action this morning and I had literally turned my PC on, when I saw my friend walking towards me with a red nose and face. 'You alright?' I said jovially and her face crumpled into tears and I was horrified. She'd broken up with her boyfriend only yesterday and half an hour later, after much hugging, a bit of piss taking and plenty of advice, I legged it off to my meeting and she went home.

Last Thursday, within seconds of sitting at my desk, I was told to go to reception as one of the pregnant women on my team (Yes there are now 2) was feeling unwell. I legged it downstairs, gave her a bit of comfort, went to get a glass of water and when I returned she had tried to stand up and was doubled up in pain. The first aider and my boss came down and a while later the ambulance arrived with a stern bitch of a paramedic. We all stood there watching as the paramedic checked her and a girl from the department on that floor walked by and said hello really flirtily to my boss, who I should point out has dated a lot of women from my office. As she disappeared, our eyes met over the paramedic and he was smirking to himself as his ego, and no doubt his penis swelled. I smirked right back at him as I clocked him and he quickly wiped the smile off his face and put the serious face on him. Later I couldn't resist telling the rest of my team. 'Jaysus, even when there's a pregnant woman being ill, he's STILL trying to pull!' Fortunately my colleague is fine!

Today I had a prime example of the fact that my company, like a typical media company, leaks like a sieve. I bumped into one of the big bosses last week who keeps an eye on me even though he's not my boss anymore and he asked me to come and see him today (my meeting this morning). As soon as he asked me, I just knew that he knew I'd been job hunting and my suspicions were confirmed today. I told a close friend last year that I was job hunting, who obviously thought they could trust the person that they told, who told their boss, who told my boss, who told my big boss, who told my old big boss, who then asked me all about it this morning! Scarlet O F*cking Hara I was. Have you ever seen a black person blush from their roots? Trust no-one!

Tina Turner (a colleague)and I had one of our usual loving spats. It's so easy to abuse each other to pass the time and because she doesn't have anything on me, she either rips the piss out of me for not having a boyfriend, or she makes out that I'm rampant by projecting her own image on me. This is coming from a woman that leaves the buttons open to reveal her breasts, wears fanny skimmers for dresses and skirts to work and work-do's!

'I'm not the one who gets it on street corners!' she screeched at me.
'Er, I keep telling you that I'm not getting any sex. I'm not the one who's all worn out with a fanny like a clowns pocket!' Right back at ya Tina!

I'm a bit worried about myself. I was watching Eastenders tonight and I found myself in tears as poor 'ole Sharon buried totty Dennis. I never knew I fancied him that much. Or is it my hormones? Or am I just a soppy git? Or maybe I need to actually start dating again properly and get the f out of the flat! I am actually contemplating speed dating again to get me back in action as I am concerned about the lack of totty I'm coming across. Oh dear....

Clumsy NML is Definitely Back

Gosh where did the bloody week go? In a daze of work, laughing and sleeping. I actually had to hide under my desk at work on Thursday as I was laughing so hard I thought I would never stop. We constantly take the piss out of each other, and we give special attention to my boss and my old boss (David Brent - except a million times worse). I can't remember what we were talking about, but one of the lads coughed and said 'Penis' at the same time to what I thought was my boss. He didn't respond and kept his head down which only made me laugh even harder. When my boss got up left his desk for a while everyone starts laughing their arses off again. 'I can't BELIEVE you just called him a penis and he didn't respond!' I said to the culprit. He replies with, 'What are you talking about? I was calling David Brent one!' The confusion only made everyone laugh even harder and just as we stopped laughing, David Brent says, 'Yeah, but he IS a penis!'. I love work sometimes!

I spent last night catching up with my girls. On the way to my first gathering, I was changing tube at Oxford Circus and saw a tube on the platform. Just as I was about to get on the carriage, some dozy cow cuts in front of me, I trip over her into the tube, the door starts to close, I yank my precious handbag through, trip over the guys feet on my left, crash head first into the guys crotch in front of me, stand up properly in shock and wallop my kidney off the flipping door handle behind me. If I had witnessed something like that, I would have been shocked for about 5 seconds and then laughed my arse off (I can't help it) and I think the passengers wanted to do it, but they all stared at me and so I stared back at them expectantly. They all looked back down again. So I had to have a private laugh to myself.

I bumped into an old acquaintance from Dublin at my friends birthday so I spent half an hour flirting outrageously which is what I do whenever I see him. I don't fancy him and he's attached but it keeps us entertained and I probably won't see him for another year or so. Little did I know that it would be the last time I'd be flirting for the rest of the evening.

I left there and met up for a highly overdue girlie evening with two of my closest friends (one is my Egypt partner) and we spent the evening catching up and taking the piss. We tried a new bar but I can honestly say that there was zero totty in there. My friend MB has vowed to be more open this year and will actually date non-black guys now (this is a mega step, trust me) and we got a lot of entertainment out of this as we tried to spot potential husbands for her.

It is a wise step that she is taking by being open (God I got a lot of jokes out of her being 'open') to dating non-black because as long you say you'll only marry a black man, you start fishing from a rather shallow pool. We don't live in a world where everyone dates within their races and rightly so, which means that there is lots of interracial relationships, which means that the pool is even more shallow if you just say, 'I only want a black man'.

We were talking about another black woman that is now married to a white guy who pursued her relentlessly for ages. They live in the same building as Robbie Williams, look at their yacht out of their window, live abroad for half the year and are blissfully happy now after she 'gave in'.

MB: I'm telling you he practically stalked her!
NML: Well he can bloody stalk me! (Joking before I get inundated with emails from nutty men telling me off)
M: Can you imagine if he'd been poor or ugly? (She jokes)
NML: Yeah, she'd have been dialling 999 and reporting a stalker!

And we were falling around laughing in the bar. Passerby's must have thought we were fruitloops. Now I know she is madly in love with her husband now and has also got what sounds like a rather lovely lifestyle, but she did stray away from her family tradition in order to do so. If you don't have 'tradition' then it can be difficult to understand (In my family, the tradition now is ' Hurry the F*ck Up and Marry Someone and Give Me Some Grandkids' but some people have much more rigid, formal traditional expectations from their cultures.

We went for something to eat on the Edgeware Road just after 1am this morning and watched a hot guy outside. Poor MB was putting the server through his paces (She can revert from posh English to posh LOUD African accent in seconds and is funnily scary sometimes) giving him strict instructions for my food. He kept raising his eyebrows at me and I kept giggling and saying nothing.

'Anything else?' he said to me. 'Not unless you want to slip me something for free!' I said cheekily. 'Yeah, I'll give you me!' he said naughtily. 'No thanks. I have more than enough meat in here thanks' and winked at him. I walked away laughing and thought I saw the hot guy outside and continued walking at the same time...and promptly walked straight into the manager who was carrying two large cups of water which somehow managed to only spill a little.

'Ay! Ay! You ok?' he said as I giggled. 'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Oh shit, I've got to go! The hot guy is getting away!' not realising MB was already outside and I was only talking to the manager. He raised his eyebrows and started to laugh. Oh and the hot guy had already vanished by the time I left. Damn!

Rant Alert: I'm Sick of Stinking Commuters. Get some hygiene etiquette London!

As I ascended up the escalator at Oxford Circus station, a guy increased his pace on my left hand side and as I ducked in behind him to get to the top quicker, I swallowed fart. Yes, the first thing I ate this morning wasn't my frickin breakfast, it was some ill mannered man with a serious bowel problems stinking, renking, bodily emission. You can run but you can't hide from your shit, and when you try to make a run for it, it follows you like a cloud. When I got to the barriers, I swerved to avoid the horrid stench ('Get some roughage into you, you twat!' I thought) and I took in great gulps of tube station air to get over my trauma. I pressed my Oyster card and walked towards the stairs and walked straight into Shitboy who was still surrounded by his fumes. Prick!

I have to bitch about this because it's what I do. People of London, in fact, people who use public transport and toilets in the workplace or other public places - Get some manners. Would you fart in someone's face at home? Do you think I want to smell your breath which churns my stomach because it's shit (you'd swear they ate it)/ garlic/stale meat/stale alcohol? When I smell peoples breath, I sometimes pray for their fart. Then I get fart and I pray for swift mercy. I don't want to see you scratch your dick. I don't want you to belch. I don't want to scratch your scalp, cough on me or near me with your mouth wide open. I don't want you to dig your nose and then wipe it on the seat, other peoples clothes. Don't try to have sex with your clothes on with your partner as there is a time and a place for it. It's not because I'm single, it's because I don't want to watch someone with their tongue in someone's ear, hand down back of trousers/down top, saliva swapping, and licking. B.O. is a NO NO. Deodorant can cost as little as 30p if you're cost cutting. Wash. If I can smell you, YOU can smell you!

And don't start me on people in workplaces/public bathrooms. Do these women think I have nothing better to do with my time than wipe up their wee? Stop hovering you stupid cows! Line the toilet seat with tissue and sit the fuck down! It is not actually hygienic to hover because you don't get rid of all your wee, which can actually give you a urinary tract infection (UTI). Flush the toilet. Do these women leave a whopping log in the toilet for their man to see? Used sanitary towels/tampax on the floor in their homes? Do they write with their snot/blood on walls in their homes? Why don't people look in the toilet after they have flushed to see if their deposit has actually been flushed? In fact, just flippin flush! What's with the pubes on the seat? And wash your hands and don't even *think* about touching me with your gesticulating after just having a poo! Jaysus!

And this should be basic, but I'm gonna say it anyway - Some women need to wash their beavers! Smelling like cheesy Wotsits (very cheesy crisps)/fillet o fish/something died is not something to be proud of. It makes me wanna heave when I walk straight into a cubicle after them and I pity the fella that has to put his willy or tongue anywhere near it as they may never come back out!

OK, it feels good to have a massive PMT rant. Feck it, it's not PMT, I'm just being a bitch because I feel like it.

I'm Back! (Who's Bad?!)' Hee hee!

Ooh, it's nice to be home! I've been back in London since lunchtime and as I exited my station, MJ's 'Bad' came on and I resisted the urge to do a stupid dance (the suitcase was a hindrance), but I couldn't help mouthing, 'I'm back, I'm back, I'm really, really back' to the chorus, just because it made me giggle like a loon!

It was sooo hard to say goodbye to my mum this morning and I'm glad I hid my tears. It took me a good 15 minutes to get over the feeling of wanting to bawl my eyes out all over again. I probably haven't cried when I've said bye to my mum since I was little and even then, I wasn't much of a crier. She was gutted when the bro left on Friday but today was officially her first day on her own since she was rushed to hospital almost 4 weeks ago. She feels she's experienced the worst month of her life but that she also found unyielding support from her family.

I stayed in with her on new year's eve and laughed at her as she fell asleep just after 11pm on the couch and had to be woken up. The first thing she asked about was the 16 and 20 year old boys and their wearabouts, and she was sure they'd forgotten her and were out up to naughtiness. At 11.58pm, the 16 year old came sprinting in and threw himself on the sofa in heap. He'd run all the way back from a party at his friends. I could actually see my mums heart lift. About 20 seconds after midnight, the 20 year old came in at a slow canter, pissed out of his face and possibly stoned as he spent the next 20 minutes emptying the cupboards of snacks. My mum nearly burst with joy as she hugged and kissed us all. Even I was surprised that the cheeky gits could make it back! I love my family!

My mum and I spent the earlier part of the evening with one of my best friends and her two kids. I found myself at 28 years old being put on time out by a two and a half year old! I was made to sit on the stairs for twenty minutes because I kicked the football into the Christmas tree.

"Will you tell me a story whilst I'm on time out?" I whispered to him as he sat beside me very solemnly.
"No I'm not telling you a story and you're to be quiet as well" and he put his finger on his lips.

That was me told! In the end, despite his dad begging him to let me go, I made a run for it from my time out. To make him feel better, I told him to get my mum to go instead. I howled with laughter as he demanded that she go on time out and dragged her by the hand.

"Jaysus, in my day there was none of this time out mallarky. It was a belt or a switch!" she said and we all fell around laughing.

I'm back to work tomorrow and I'll probably have to be dragged there kicking and screaming. I want to stay home, surf the net and play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on the interactive DVD! I am meeting a blogger tomorrow (more after the event and it's a female before anyone gets too curious), plus I've got a birthday party on Friday and various catch ups with my friends. It's good to be home!

I was waiting for my case to come out on the carousel this morning and was mortified to see someone's tube of Anusol (haemorroid cream or laymans botox) making its rounds. Of all the things to fall out of someone's case! I was crying with laughter and looked like a right nutter on my own! Oh well!