At 11.30 on Friday night, I walked out of restaurant with five other women that I met through my National Childbirth Trust (NCT)antenatal class. It was our first proper night out since having our babies and it was supposed to be a night on the razz but we appeared to be finishing early, and whilst people had drunk, they hadn't drunk very much. "So where do we get taxi's?" I asked and they all looked slightly embarrassed. "Oh X and Y are driving...." and I suddenly acknowledged that the cliquey vibe that I had been trying to ignore could be ignored no longer. One of them very hurriedly offered to come back into the restaurant with me to call a taxi and made a half hearted offer of waiting with me, but I quickly told them that it was OK for them to go and said my goodbyes.
In the taxi on the way home a few tears plopped down my cheeks as I smarted from what had happened. They were probably vino tears propelled by the few glasses of wine I'd had... I got home and spoke briefly with the boyf and the lads who were having a poker night and quickly took myself off to bed. I lay there for a while playing back the evening and some of our previous get togethers (we meet up each Wednesday - all around England, women who met through National Childbirth Trust (NCT) antenatal classes tend to meet up each week) in my mind till the boyf came to bed. He put his arms around me and said "Do you want to wait till tomorrow or do you want to tell me now?"
I told him about feeling like a complete dick outside the restaurant and realising how they'd organised amongst themselves without a care in the world for me. How one of the women (from South Africa) described being held up by black people at her business and them searching her bra for money. "Stupid people think thought that I had money in there. They forget that it's black women that carry their money in their bras. White women carry theirs in handbags." Do you know that not ONE person flinched from that comment? I described how I'd been at one of the get together's and come back downstairs from using the bathroom and caught the tail end of two of them arranging to meet up a couple of days later. "Will we do our usual meet up?"asked one of them. "Yeah, let's. Where do you want to meet?" "Shall we meet at..." and as I approached she gave her a warning look and tried to style it out and pretend that she was talking about something else. I didn't say anything and I couldn't have given a monkeys that they were meeting up. It was the weird secretive conversation and pretending to be talking about something else that let me know that she was afraid I'd want to be included. What are we? 7! Or how about when I first met up with them after having the bambino and some of them were being strange with me because she slept through most of the afternoon. One asked how she was sleeping at night and I was foolishly honest and said that she was sleeping really well. She looked at me with a tight face and snidely said "Ha! Let's see how long THAT lasts for!"
The boyf understood where I was coming from - He has previously expressed concern about the cliqueness - and he was upset for me as I shed tears at what feels like a weird rejection from people I don't know particularly well, and it's made all the more odd that we all met at the same time. I do live in a different area that's not far from them, which may have contributed to me being on put on the edge, but that doesn't make me feel any better. At the end of the day, it's not about wanting to be Miss Popular, it's more about not wanting to put myself in an uneccessary situation.
I happen to know I'm not on my own. The stories I have heard about NCT bitchiness are rife and I realise that motherhood and what you do with your baby, whether you breastfeed and are good at it, whether your baby is content, sleeps through the night, your clothes, your boyfriend/husband and any other thing that they feel like putting up to scrutiny means that I have now entered into an adult highschool. It's not a competition for me. The thought of people comparing baby weights, how well they feed, when they roll over, sit up, walk, talk etc just makes me cringe yet I know that it will happen regardless. I thought that hanging out with people who were going through the same life stage and experience was great but it's just another way for women to be bitchy. I'm 30 years old (jaysus I really am 30) and I'm too old for this bullshit. I know I'll never be able to escape the bitchiness that can sometimes be dished out by women but I'm not about to put myself in the frontline of it every week, just so I can say that I hang out with some new mothers and their babies and pretend that I fit in.
I'm not an over-sensitive person and I'm not going to keep soul searching and asking "What did I say? What did I do?!' because at the end of the day, breathing, existing, and being happy is hardly a crime. Women find all sorts of reasons to be cliquey and it doesn't have to be about me per se. At the end of the day, we're all adults and I'm glad that these people have found friendships and closeness. Being on the edge of a clique just isn't a nice feeling and I have so much going on in my life and much to enjoy and be happy about that it seems pointless to be uncomfortable with people that were unknown to me 4 months ago just for the sake of the fact that we've all had babies and become mothers.
As for the casual racism, I'm not going to second guess what was meant by that generalisation and whether it was or wasn't racist. All I know is that considering that I am the one black person at that dinner table, you need to be some kind of crackerjack to think that I will be comfortable with that comment...I actually said to the boyf "Do you think she's one of those people that doesn't 'see' me as one of 'those black people' or should I just consider myself lucky that when I've been at her house she hasn't asked me to come by the back door!?!" We were cracking up laughing in the bed and I knew that I would be fine and that the upset would fade. Just as I was nodding off I said "Maybe next time I see her I should pull some twenties out of my bra...." and the rest! Doesn't she realise that this black woman practically takes everything but the kitchen sink in HER handbag?!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
God that kind of behaviour is just vomit-inducing. I wouldn't waste your precious time on them. You've shared a wonderful time of your life with them, but it sounds like that's the only part you share. Unfortunately even horrible people are capable of reproducing ;-)
And as for racism, even if it's meant to offend or not, it's completely unacceptable. We were at a friend's wedding on Friday and a group of us were chatting about political correctness. Then this guy leant over to Kiran and asked embarassingly loudly "are you mixed-race or just tanned?" I swear, I've never been closer to punching someone out in my life.
If Boyf can sense that something's wrong with you even when you're slapping on a smile in front of others, you know he's a keeper ;-) Glad he's looking after you so well.
What a bunch of fucking twats.
What you should have done is gone to the ladies room & put a bunch of money in your bra, then when the bill came, you should have paid for it with the money in your tits.
I say count yourself lucky that they were such skanks last night so that you don't waste anymore of your freaking time with them.
Life is nothing but one big junior high.
Oh, by the way...how much money is recommended to keep in your tits at once?
Well I've thought from your entries 'bravo' for keeping in contact with these people really! My Mum nor any of her friends who just had kids and stuff do that kind of thing with antenatal class peeps and stuff. At the end of the day, don't feel you have to fit in with these people. I can only imagine it was hard for my mum having me and my brother at such an early age cause no-one else around her were having kids. She's 42 five days after my 19th birthday next month and all her mates are popping out kids only just now! I see why you want to make friends who have babies and stuff, but dont let these people upset you. They're just people at the end of the day that you seem to have nothing really in common with. Try another group if you really want to carry on with this sort of thing, but your real mates are always there ready and waiting for you even if they dont have kids of their own maybe :)
As for your bf, Im very impressed he noticed something was wrong too! I hate spelling it out so you're very lucky to have someone that receptive! That would be heaven for me!
p.s as for your comment, it does actually say on my post 'oceana' what grades I got..hmm maybe you missed it I dunno how you left that comment on there unless you didnt read it :P no worries I ramble about sh**e anyway!!!
I wouldn't waste your time with them. They sound like a bunch of stuck up snobs. I have learned the hard way... the ones that love you are the only ones that matter.
HUGS and hang in there.
NML, Sorry for the bad ending to an OK night. Being white, middle age, male, etc. I have worked and lived with others, in corporate life, in school, serving in the US Navy. The only minorities I can claim to are the minor 'new kid around' when I move or change jobs, 'New foster parent' when I did that, 'New substitute teacher' when I did that. For the last three months, limping on a slowly healing leg. Not the same thing at all.
I read that 'no revolutionary is ever really happy'. You either live in a closed 'home' community, or you move into a new world - someone else's world. I think this means that being black in a white group is always going to be a bit uncomfortable at times, with occasional moments of stupid errors.
Many people are generous about the people they interact with, at least we like to think we are. The more someone acts like me, the easier it is for me to predict how they will react to me. It makes my life simpler. When someone acts differently, demonstrates different values, then I have to rethink my image of that person. That is, I experience a change, change is painful, and people seem to tend to be consistent (avoid change) and avoid pain (like change).
One big confusion about bigotry and discrimination is that some people are fixated on skin color - but most people react to cultural differences. Different behavior, different choices, different values.
The celebrities that made the greatest, splashiest crossovers against racial stereotypes generally worked to fit into the other guy's neighborhood. Bill Cosby, Jackie Robinson, Denzel Washington, Sidney Poitier, Buddy Holly, Ira Hayes are a few of those that come to mind in a few moments tonight. I recall a fellow student in ET class 'A' school in Great Lakes, IL, USA, during lunch break. My barracks door was open as the guy walked past, he said something about, "They are so prejudiced." What I knew was this black guy and three others (non-Black) had joined our class mid-term, after flunking out of another school. All four were arrogant and intent on avoiding work. With their different school experience they didn't fit in, with their failure background they lacked the consistent progress of the rest of the class. Only one man in our class of about 12 I guess, felt that the result was racial bigotry. But that was one instance, and I wasn't close enough to him to know if he had cause to complain or not. In the Navy you just complain, no reason is really needed, for anyone. Go Navy!
I would accentuate the positive. These new mothers accept you into some part of their lives. This is good - you learn about new people, and so do they. If they are used to using private cars, they may have no understanding of someone that uses mass transit, and exposure to the (unknown, to them) people that make buses, trains, etc. so hideously dangerous (in their minds). In time, they may get to understand that one person riding the train or taking a cab rarely suffers more than an offending body odor, or worrying about smuggling peanuts. (See, I do remember what I read!)
You found these ladies to be interesting, and worthy of your interest - or the pain of being left out wouldn't have hurt so much. I *still* like the Science Fiction maxim, "Never attribute to malice what ignorance will explain." Instead of leaving you out, they may think they are being polite, by not mentioning things you aren't involved in. In time there may be invitations, as they get to know you as an individual.
There are bitter and malicious people in the world, and I haven't met any of the people you have. But most people with bigotry problems that I have seen have not been subtle.
And who knows? Their concern may have been entirely about 'that woman that takes a cab'. Please, get what you can of the experience and expect respect from everyone. And don't expect to be happy with them. Settle for content.
Contented isn't all bad. It might just be a bambino that sleeps well at night. My sister had two (2) girls that slept well from about the second day, and two (2) boys in between that didn't sleep well at night ever. Maybe this bambino will stay contented through life. My first niece is an elementary school teacher, with a toddler of her own.
Oh Hun, that is sad and as an involved person in the NCT all I can do is apologise. I do know exactly where you are coming from, I had a very simular experience myself with a group of european ladies. I was the only English girl in a group of germans, swedish, dutch and americans. Although they were all speaking English to each other they obviously had a stronger group relationship than me. I did try and remember all the babies names (most of them i found hard to pronouce let alone spell)I felt very uncomfortable as they were all talking about each others partners and events that had happened in the past that I hadnt been invited to. They were all friends through their antenatal classes but i joined after Megan was born so although our kids were the same age I obviously wasnt in with the group. I even invited them all to a picnic but none turned up. I eventually gave up trying, I do meet them occasionally through another NCT mum I have formed a better relationship with. I have just put it down to the fact that the NCT does tend to attract middle class mums that get in their little cliques, however there are the odd special people like me and you who just like to meet new friends and hopefully form a friendship at the same time as giving support to someone in the same situation as me. Dont worry the NCT does have people like me and you involved to help change the sigma that comes with it. I am also involved in our local areas newsletter and with your permission I would love to publish your recent experience as an article to let the stuck up snobs out there know how hurtful they can be.
Hold in there, I will see you and your beautiful little girl soon, cant wait. lots of love
Some people are just assholes.
Ah yes... NCT. Nothing like it to drive home the reality of white, middle class ignorance in this wonderful country of ours.
Let if be like water off a duck's back, but I won't offer any advice as to whether you should stick with NCT or not... I'm sure there are some good people in there too. They just might be harder to find!
I'm so sorry to hear that you had to experience that. Some people really are so ignorant!! You don't need "friends" (if you can call them that) like them - you're far better off without them - especially the racist one. You've got a wonderful support network by the sound of things and you're a brilliant mummy. Don't let anyone get you down, you're so much better than they are!
xx
My friend seems to have met a reasonable group of people through NCT. I'm so sorry you didnt have a similar experience. They sound DREADFUL! It always struck me as slightly bizarre though that people would suddenly be friends and want to spend time together by virtue of reproducing at the same time
These women sound truly awful. You deserve much better - and the comment about the bra is just shocking.
I'm really glad you've risen above their deeply inconsiderate and selfish behaviour and haven't felt intimidated into continuing to play some subjugated role alongside these terrible women.
Found your blog today by googling for "fed up with men", and its really put a smile back on my face. Keep up the good work!
Post a Comment