Back From America

I should have known that our holiday was going to be eventful when the boyf put his hand in the front pocket of his suitcase moments before we were leaving and handed me a thong. "Why are you giving me someone else's knickers!?! Oh my God! Are these one of your exes knickers?????" We were howling with laughter and he kept insisting that this ratty thong must be mine. Neither of us have used this suitcase the entire time that we've together so it's either an exe's or his mums... From there it was calamity and entertainment all the way...

We were about 10 minutes from Heathrow when we realised that the bambino's dress for the wedding was still on the drying rack in the kitchen... We were only drying it because the boyf wanted her to try it on and she promptly threw up all over it...

The bambino charmed everybody at our BA check-in desk but the laughs and smiles soon turned to tears when she decided to have a meltdown about not getting my boob quick enough, swiping at my boobs and making a holy show of me. To add to our woes, British Airways hadn't booked the bambino on the flight properly which caused a delay at both ends which was infuriating. Plus they forgot to put her crib on the outbound flight which meant that she had to lie on a seat. She pooed one minute into the take-off and 5 minutes before they said that we were going start the descent...on both flights... Fortunately on the return journey she didn't leak on her clothes but on the flight to the US she leaked twice and ended up leaving the plane in hardly any clothes! And she leaked onto my trousers...The bambino was brilliant on both flights (except for the poos). She slept for most of the flights and either played or entertained the passengers and crew. Have I mentioned that the cabin crew on our return flight were camper than a field of tents?! The bambino loved them! The boyf is worried that she likes men in uniforms...

The boyf left his manbag hanging on the trolley outside Baltimore Washington Airport. Unfortunately he didn't realise until we were on the bus to the car rental and everybody was pissing themselves laughing when he hurled himself off the bus and broke into a sprint back to the airport. When we went to collect our car, two other people were claiming it was theirs. They decided to get gangsta so we backed off. Fortunately we ended up with an enormous GMC car that made us feel like high rolling gangsta's. Unfortunately the bambino decided that she'd had enough and when she found herself sitting in n unfamiliar car seat, she screamed the place down for the entire journey to our friend Jez's house.

It was great spending time with Jez who has her own baby in the form of Crazy Bitch, her man hating, in fact everyone hating,Chihuahua. The boyf loves dogs so he spent the week trying to make friends with her and it was only minutes before we were leaving when she decided that she liked him. We were highly entertained by Crazy Bitch who would hide from the boyf and then attempt to slink out of the room and then break into a sprint when she saw him. She also liked to bark at the bambino who just kept staring at her completely bemused.

At the wedding the bambino decided to chatter the whole way through the ceremony, increasing the volume when they were exchanging their vows. The funniest part was when the singer was belting out a ballad and after watching her enraptured for a while, the bambino started cooing along to the song very loudly. Of course, right at the end of the ceremony when I should have been watching the happy couple make their way back up the aisle together, I had to dash off and feed the bambino who was having one of her hunger meltdowns. I sat in a hallway at the back where I felt sure I wouldn't be interrupted because I assumed everyone would be going out front, only for half of the congregation to pass through whilst my boob was hanging out...

The boyf and I managed to have a couple of evenings out totally on our own which was the first time since the bambino was born. They were lovely and we're going to start having more 'dates' now, especially as the boyf's dad is staying for a month. We figure he can hone his babysitting skills ;-)

I met a hell of lot of the boyf's extended family during our stay. I met his gran and great-aunt of which one is blind and the other deaf. The first time we met them, they were sulking because they said they had been waiting all day (unbeknownst to us) and it was quite funny watching an 88 and 91 year old have mini-tantrums. We found ourselves in trouble again the following night as we didn't know that we were supposed to have collected them hours ago. The door was flung open by Angry Friend who announced "You're late!" It was my job to help his gran to the car (she's blind) and I just assumed that she knew her way past the furniture like she did in her own home. I was leading her along unthinkingly and next thing you know she walks straight into the couch. "You know that you need to guide her out of here! She can't see!" and we all howled with laughter. Out at our big GMC car we had to get all 3 of them into the car. Angry Friend tried to clamber in the back but the height was a struggle for her weary bones and the boyf had to help her. Next thing you know, the boyf is pushing her into the car boo-tay first. As he is shoving her arse first into the car we were all howling with laughter and Angry Friend is looking all coquettish with her 70-something years...

We decided to stay at a hotel on our last night to be close to Washington Dulles. We were literally two minutes from the hotel when the boyf says "Sh*t! We're getting pulled over!" This was the second time this had happened to the boyf who had gone the wrong way up a one way street in DC. He blames the bloody GPS which he basically argued with all week. "Oh f*ck!" I wailed as scenes from Crash and every other film I have ever seen with US cops in it flashed through my mind. Of course we had to get stopped by Ego Cop with our car pulled up in a posh neighbourhood. The boyf had already advised that we were to stay in the car so thankfully we weren't shot ;-)

"Are you aware that you were driving 61 miles an hour in a 45 mile zone?" in what sounded like a Southern drawl.
"No I wasn't" replied the boyf.
"Did you see the speed limit and just decide that you would ignore it?" he asked with a goonish smile.
"No. I'm sorry I didn't realise. I'm not from here."
"I see your from the UK. When are you going back?"
"Tomorrow"
"Have you been stopped at any other point during this trip?"
The boyf and I didn't look at each other at this point thankfully as I would have laughed. "I..er...got stopped last week for driving the wrong way up a one way street...It was the GPS's fault.." He just can't let go of his fight with the GPS!
"Can I see your passport?"
At this stage it was all I could do not to scream at him to piss off with his penis wagging trip. He was clearly trying to make us squirm.
"OK...so you're going back tomorrow.." At this point we could tell that he had realised that it was a waste of time but he was figuring out how to make us sweat. "So you're going back tomorrow...tomorrow...So you're going back tomorrow...Hmmm...OK. Wait here"

He made us wait for close to ten minutes whilst my over active imagination imagined a fleet of cop cars arriving or us being made to stand face first against the car. The bambino was snooring away blissfully in the back whilst I bitched about the curtain twitcher that I was convinced had been watching us from the window of their house the entire time. Eventually Ego Cop returned and gave the boyf a warning with a freakish smile on his face. It was only when we turned the car around (at a snails pace) that I realised that the "f*cking curtain twitcher" that I had been bitching about was a tree outside the window of the house...

Oh and of course I shopped till I dropped. But would you believe me if I told you that the boyf outshopped me?! And we got so much gifts from relatives for the bambino that we were worried that we wouldn't be able to carry them all back! It's good to be home...