Assclown Watch: I'm watching you watching me and I'll take you down to Chinatown...well not really...

I think it would be too much of a leap to claim that I have a stalker (a different one...)...but it would be safe to say that I have a creepy follower.

Now I have really tried not to be suspicious and jump to conclusions because, well...ah feck it...I have jumped to conclusions. The boy is too fecking weird for my liking.

Let me explain. I live in a town in Surrey that is pretty 'white'. That means that there aren't very many black folk around and when I first moved here, I was keeping a tally of each black person I came across... Anyway, I digress... Now when you're black, there are two things that can potentially happen when you come across other black folk in places where there aren't many...

1) You do 'the nod' or 'the smile' which says "I know that you know that we know we're black and we're in a white area and we should be nice and polite and acknowledge each other". The key here is acknowledgment. Example, I was in Palma a few years ago and a black guy nodded and smiled at me even though he was with his girlfriend. "Why did that guy just nod at me and smile?" I asked my aunt. "Lucky you! That was Nigel Benn!" she exclaimed.

2) Certain folk assume that you must want to be best buddies because you're brown. Example, when I lived in Ireland, complete strangers would walk up to me and say "Hello my sista". Now most of the time you don't mind but when some guys would get a bit frisky, I'd want to get a bit gangsta... The overt example is that when I was at uni, there were a group of black guys that assumed that because I was one of two black women, I must want to shag them all and one attempted to treat me as his property...

3) You ignore each other. I don't do this as it's a bit extreme and some fools will call you a 'coconut' or 'Uncle Tom' if you don't at least do 'the smile'...

Anyway, I have totally digressed!

Last Friday as I went to get the train to see Chris Rock, I got a weird feeling that someone was watching me. I half looked behind me and noticed an awkward looking black guy a few paces behind me who quickly looked down. A minute or so later as I approached the station entrance, I looked behind me for no particular reason and he quickly ducked and hid behind the pillar outside Waitrose! I paused with the pushchair and looked again and he peeked out again and then sort of ducked by the trolleys!

Now what type of man in his right mind, even if it was totally innocent, pulls that type of rinky dink, assclown, bullsh*t?

I forgot all about him till a couple of days ago when I was walking up to Waitrose (yes I know I am addicted to the bloody place...) and I looked behind me as I crossed the road and could NOT believe my eyes as my 'follower' freaked out, tried to duck out of the way and avoid my glance and nearly got himself run over by oncoming traffic! If I hadn't been so shocked, I would have pissed myself laughing! I looked behind me again a few moments later and he was waiting to cross the road and looking seriously agitated and kept looking in my direction and then quickly looking at the oncoming traffic.

I told the boyf who was howling with laughter. "Are you sure he's all there?" he laughed.
"I don't frickin know but if he's freaked out by seeing someone else who's black in the town, he's being a bit extreme about avoiding me!" and we cracked up laughing.

All joking aside, I'm on asslown watch. I am being careful and checking that I'm not being followed home as I want to play it safe and not let him know where I live. He's lucky I have a sense of humour...and a black belt in karate...(joking)...