So in the past few days, I've fulfilled my dream of seeing Chris Rock live (it was amazing), got glared at by a bunch of girls in audience who were goggled eyed that M and I were clearly out with Alan from Random Burblings...who is white, got a bit drunk on champagne and MJ danced to Billie Jean in front of an entire 40th birthday party, been asked "So how long have you got left to go?" by the black version of Betty Suarez (Ugly Betty), and finally done some exercise. Woohoo!
Chris Rock made me laugh so hard in parts, I actually thought I might wet myself laughing or puke. His style is like watching one of those crazy preachers that have snakes or that 'heal' people and demand that the person in a wheelchair "WALK!". The guy didn't even take a sip of water during his almost hour and twenty minute performance!
It's been a while since I had the whole 'I'm staring at you because I think you're going out with that white dude' look and the last time I got that was when I was out with my stepdad a few years ago...who is in his early sixties. Clearly they thought I was a Jamaican Mail Order Bride.... As M and I followed Alan and his son to the seats, the cheeky bitches were staring and pointing. It took me a few seconds to twig what was going on and M and I were pissing ourselves laughing. In hindsight, I realise I should have started throwing my arms around Alan so I could give them a heart attack. Jaysus...you'd never believe that it was 2008 and that some folk do intermingle...or as MSlash has coined it, 'cross pollinate'...
I've never understood when people think that they need to premise a conversation with you by touting their black credentials. This guy a couple of seats down started trying to talk to M and he quickly squeezed in "I'm mixed race you know. I have black lips". Hilarious! What did he expect M to say? "Ok, you may now enter the court of blackness"
On Saturday we went to the boyf's cousins fortieth. She hired a marquee for her back garden and laid on the booze, so who was I to say no to repeated glasses of champagne. People had been egging me on to pull a few moves all evening so I couldn't say no of course, and did a few crotch grabs, high kicks, moon walks, and glove moves. I think I pulled a muscle in my thigh though...
Earlier in the evening, I'd been sitting there minding my own business when the black version of Ugly Betty (who by the way I'd never spoken to before), kneels at my feet and says "So how long have you got to go?" I stared at her blankly and she added, "You know...your bump..."
F******CKING HELL! Now I know that I have a bit of a tummy but I am telling you right now that I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!
"I'm not pregnant...I've already had my baby...seven and a half months ago..." I said looking her squarely in the eye as I didn't want to stare too long at the braces.
"Oh....is it a boy or a girl?" she asked without showing a flicker of embarrassment.
She tried to make conversation but the whole 'You just basically implied that I'm fat and now you want to make small talk with me' vibe hung in the air... Maybe I should have made small talk and asked her what time her parents were coming to collect her....
So of course, I dragged myself hungover to the teeth to Woolworths on Sunday and brought Davina's High Energy Five. I managed to do the warm up and most of the aerobics workout. If only I could turn the sound down so I didn't have to listen to Davina being goofy... I would have done all of the workout, but I was so hot that I was convinced my menopause had arrived early and then the bambino threw a mega strop. I forgot to do it this morning so I shall do my workout this evening instead. Let's not dwell on the fact that I had banoffee pie yesterday and a caramel slice today. I have had a c-section you know!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
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13 comments:
Top bloke Alan, he's good company.
And I'm glad you have a similar reaction to that kind of thing.
A close friend of mine is gay and I happily go drinking with him in the local gay bars. Telling people this, and watching their reactions, makes me want to go over and fondle their legs... or something...
Idiots.
That girl was blatantly just rude. You NEVER say that to anyone if you don't know for SURE that they are pregnant! What an arse!
OMG! I just googled 'jamaican mail order brides' - Who woulda thunk! That was too funny!
As for the 'pregnant' comment, I have known women that were offended if someone didn't notice, and comment on, their condition. You didn't mention if Ugly Betty - almost - was experienced with pregnancy. She may have never been close enough to anyone to know what pregnant looks like. That or she was being snide!
As for exercise - try finding a buddy for workout. That can help you remember get-togethers (workout) and you can compare goals and obstacles.
As for the goofy talking on the exercise DVD - turn the sound down, put on Janet Jackson, and rock out! Or, *shudder*, 'Rockin' to the Oldies with Richard *gasp* Simmons'.
Take care!
Jeez, NML you are NOT fat. :-) You are gorgeously lovely and slim without losing your curves so don't get any hang ups. I'm trying to lose weight before the Big Day so that's making me nice and jolly as you can imagine ;-)
I have Davinas last DVD and it does get a little irritating after a while. Just picture that all those kicks and punches are for her :-)
I would love to see you do the MJ. That would be a treat. lol :) It's cool that you saw Chris Rock. I would love to see him in concert. I'll have to see if he's coming to the DC Metro area.
Hey Girley! great post! everyone knows you never ask a woman "when are you due"? i've never had kids and i have a little beer belly and i swear if someone asks me when i'm due, i'm going to have to go "AFRO CENTRIC" on them!! ;o} anyway, hang in there.. it could be worse!
~Teri
I'm thinking you should have got the 'Samanda workout' DVD instead of Davina's.
So let me get this right it was Alan who got drunk and danced to MJ was it?
I once told a woman I didn't know at a friends party that she shouldn't have to much of the curry in case it "started her off", she looked at me blankly aswell, so I followed up with "you know labour" at which point I noticed my friends wife standing behind her gesticulating wildly that the woman wasn't pregnant.
Wifey nearly died of embarassment.
i was grinning just reading about your chris rock laugh attack!! i was lol about peeps wanting to give their "black" credentials up front.
****
so question
i was walking in a mall in san diego and a black man said 'hello' i said hello back and kept walking.
next thing i know he walks right up to me and says 'wanna be' and walks off. whats up with that?? huh? i am 1/2 chinese 1/2 irish. is he slammin' my hair 'cause its a bit unruly? i don't get it?
LOL, another good post, NML! you crack me up. i'm a chris rock fan, too, so can you imagine me turning green?
and the ugly betty girl was horribly rude to you!!! everyone knows you don't ever do that, unless you are 100% positive the woman is pregnant. jeez louise, she must have been raised by barn animals.
and i can hardly understand her mix-up, because you are thin! she is obviously blind and stupid.
so don't feel badly. all the shame is on her end, trust me! now, go have some candy and enjoy it! :)
But if you had thrown your arms round me, I might have had the heart attack. (Also, you'd have had to stand on a box :) )
It was great meeting you both.
I've put a review of the show up here now, if you're interested.
Okay, from another blog link, I just watched a C-section video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TGz7-9H2oo&NR=1, if you must) and I whole-heartedly admire anyone who's gone through it - it's a rough thing in your body! All along I thought it would be "prettier" to be knocked out when you're delivering instead of panting, sweating, in pain, and swearing.
NML you are hilarious! Really.
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