Farewell...Sort of...

Hello Peeps! I think I should start off by saying that judging by the fact that I am writing this post, I have not been kidnapped by the kooky assclown that I caught following me the other day. I did get a couple of emails pondering my disappearance although I should point out that if he'd taken me off somewhere, I doubt he'd be kind enough to let me check my emails...I promise that I am not tied up somewhere and that he's not writing this after forcing my password out of me...

Anyway...

So I was sitting at a boozy dinner with B (one of my best mates that I used to work with and is now joining everybody else by leaving) and after talking about the past few months with blogging (you know my unpleasant stalker experience), having a baby (woo hoo), being happy and in love (yippee!) not really having that many man experiences to write about anymore, I decided that I'm going to say "Ta ra! Farewell! Bye bye!" to this blog.

OK then I nearly cacked myself at the thought of closing down my blog home of three and a half years and have decided to make my dipping in and out official by having a 'hiatus' and a move....

Men do annoy the sh*t out of me. That's a given. Just ask the boyf, the bro, MSlash, Skeletor/Bony Arse/Vulture and the ex Vulture, Soho Knight, my old boss Barry from Eastenders (yes he's leaving too...), my director, my old boss David Brent X 1 Million, my dad king of the new sibling springers (yeah, yeah, I know I should let it go), my stepdad (was married to me X 1 Million i.e. my ma), the annoying twat at the local garden centre who I had an argument on the street with, all of the poncy guys with too much testosterone that I have ever had the unfortunateness to work with in the penis bashing world of media, patronising doctors, eager beaver jumped up recruitment consultants, all of the guys who have ever approached me or chatted me up, all of my ex boyfriends... actually let me do a roll call for them...

That would be...

The first boyfriend who I broke up with fourteen times because I liked my "freedom" (read:other boys)
All of the teenage snogs and crushes
The one I had a snog with and then discovered that he had a girlfriend after he turned up the following day and announced that he'd finished it with her for me.
My boss at my job in the US that was so emotionally unavailable he must have been a walking corpse...
Numerous snogs and dates
Bee Gee, seventies dancing to all genres, penchant for ladies clothing at fancy dress party's, mummy's boy that also had a penchant for chatting up my friends and suggesting threesomes.
More snogs and dates.
Oh I nearly forgot about C who was another emotionally unavailable guy that I dated on and off for 4 years in between various boyfriends.
The p*sshead aggressive one from Fort Lauderdale that still owes me $2K.
The toy boy that created more of a mother/son relationship with me.
The Ex Fiance/Mr Brownsuit - cricket bat loving, control freak narcissist that couldn't bear the blinds being in the wrong direction.
Male Best Friend (MBF) - One with a girlfriend that didn't want me to have a life and basically mucked me around. Now we're not even friends.
Countless approaches, chat ups, and a few dates.
The Contender who then became Dot Dot Dot Man.
The Overexhuberant Puppy that had rogue willy syndrome.
The F*ckwit (doctor with BO and a big effing mouth. Oh and how could I forget the family full of crackheads and criminals....)
The Boyf - YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY! Finally!

The boyf is annoying but not enough to warrant me dedicating a blog to him! I'm really happy, loved up, and entertained by living with a football obsessed, Battlestar Galactica loving, cheeky, guy who can give me a run for my money and put me right back in my box. People want angst, drama, break ups, bad sex, rogue willies and B.O. and I will need to go back in time to provide that, so until I can decide what to write on here, I am going on a break.

There. I said it.

Of course, I'm still blogging. I have Baggage Reclaim (I get to do all of my man observations and venting here) my baby products blog Bambino Goodies which is really starting to take off and a few other projects on the go, but of course, I have found that I have a new specialist subject for bitching about - motherhood and the crackness that accompanies it.

So my new home will be over at Are You On Crack? - Crazy antics and observations on motherhood from the bottlelines. After writing a couple of columns over at Dollymix for a few months, I decided that right now, this is what I enjoy venting about. It will be updated at least weekly (definitely on Tuesday's) and I can focus on my new pet peeve - Other mums that annoy the cr*p out of me and people that can't help but say stupid things because they think they're allowed to because I'm a mum...

I have updated my new home so that I can bring you all up to speed on the past few weeks and give the truth (or most of it that won't get me sacked) about what really happened when I went back to work a few weeks ago.


I am still moving in at my new crackden but I hope some (or all) of you will join me over there. It's been an incredible journey on this blog. Thanks to everyone who has continued to read this blog even though I have been an inconsistent mofo ever since I got knocked up (hee hee)!

It's been eventful. See y'all around

NML xx

Assclown Watch: I'm watching you watching me and I'll take you down to Chinatown...well not really...

I think it would be too much of a leap to claim that I have a stalker (a different one...)...but it would be safe to say that I have a creepy follower.

Now I have really tried not to be suspicious and jump to conclusions because, well...ah feck it...I have jumped to conclusions. The boy is too fecking weird for my liking.

Let me explain. I live in a town in Surrey that is pretty 'white'. That means that there aren't very many black folk around and when I first moved here, I was keeping a tally of each black person I came across... Anyway, I digress... Now when you're black, there are two things that can potentially happen when you come across other black folk in places where there aren't many...

1) You do 'the nod' or 'the smile' which says "I know that you know that we know we're black and we're in a white area and we should be nice and polite and acknowledge each other". The key here is acknowledgment. Example, I was in Palma a few years ago and a black guy nodded and smiled at me even though he was with his girlfriend. "Why did that guy just nod at me and smile?" I asked my aunt. "Lucky you! That was Nigel Benn!" she exclaimed.

2) Certain folk assume that you must want to be best buddies because you're brown. Example, when I lived in Ireland, complete strangers would walk up to me and say "Hello my sista". Now most of the time you don't mind but when some guys would get a bit frisky, I'd want to get a bit gangsta... The overt example is that when I was at uni, there were a group of black guys that assumed that because I was one of two black women, I must want to shag them all and one attempted to treat me as his property...

3) You ignore each other. I don't do this as it's a bit extreme and some fools will call you a 'coconut' or 'Uncle Tom' if you don't at least do 'the smile'...

Anyway, I have totally digressed!

Last Friday as I went to get the train to see Chris Rock, I got a weird feeling that someone was watching me. I half looked behind me and noticed an awkward looking black guy a few paces behind me who quickly looked down. A minute or so later as I approached the station entrance, I looked behind me for no particular reason and he quickly ducked and hid behind the pillar outside Waitrose! I paused with the pushchair and looked again and he peeked out again and then sort of ducked by the trolleys!

Now what type of man in his right mind, even if it was totally innocent, pulls that type of rinky dink, assclown, bullsh*t?

I forgot all about him till a couple of days ago when I was walking up to Waitrose (yes I know I am addicted to the bloody place...) and I looked behind me as I crossed the road and could NOT believe my eyes as my 'follower' freaked out, tried to duck out of the way and avoid my glance and nearly got himself run over by oncoming traffic! If I hadn't been so shocked, I would have pissed myself laughing! I looked behind me again a few moments later and he was waiting to cross the road and looking seriously agitated and kept looking in my direction and then quickly looking at the oncoming traffic.

I told the boyf who was howling with laughter. "Are you sure he's all there?" he laughed.
"I don't frickin know but if he's freaked out by seeing someone else who's black in the town, he's being a bit extreme about avoiding me!" and we cracked up laughing.

All joking aside, I'm on asslown watch. I am being careful and checking that I'm not being followed home as I want to play it safe and not let him know where I live. He's lucky I have a sense of humour...and a black belt in karate...(joking)...

Is it coz I is black? No I'm not effing pregnant Miss I'm Too Old To Be Wearing Braces!

So in the past few days, I've fulfilled my dream of seeing Chris Rock live (it was amazing), got glared at by a bunch of girls in audience who were goggled eyed that M and I were clearly out with Alan from Random Burblings...who is white, got a bit drunk on champagne and MJ danced to Billie Jean in front of an entire 40th birthday party, been asked "So how long have you got left to go?" by the black version of Betty Suarez (Ugly Betty), and finally done some exercise. Woohoo!

Chris Rock made me laugh so hard in parts, I actually thought I might wet myself laughing or puke. His style is like watching one of those crazy preachers that have snakes or that 'heal' people and demand that the person in a wheelchair "WALK!". The guy didn't even take a sip of water during his almost hour and twenty minute performance!

It's been a while since I had the whole 'I'm staring at you because I think you're going out with that white dude' look and the last time I got that was when I was out with my stepdad a few years ago...who is in his early sixties. Clearly they thought I was a Jamaican Mail Order Bride.... As M and I followed Alan and his son to the seats, the cheeky bitches were staring and pointing. It took me a few seconds to twig what was going on and M and I were pissing ourselves laughing. In hindsight, I realise I should have started throwing my arms around Alan so I could give them a heart attack. Jaysus...you'd never believe that it was 2008 and that some folk do intermingle...or as MSlash has coined it, 'cross pollinate'...

I've never understood when people think that they need to premise a conversation with you by touting their black credentials. This guy a couple of seats down started trying to talk to M and he quickly squeezed in "I'm mixed race you know. I have black lips". Hilarious! What did he expect M to say? "Ok, you may now enter the court of blackness"

On Saturday we went to the boyf's cousins fortieth. She hired a marquee for her back garden and laid on the booze, so who was I to say no to repeated glasses of champagne. People had been egging me on to pull a few moves all evening so I couldn't say no of course, and did a few crotch grabs, high kicks, moon walks, and glove moves. I think I pulled a muscle in my thigh though...

Earlier in the evening, I'd been sitting there minding my own business when the black version of Ugly Betty (who by the way I'd never spoken to before), kneels at my feet and says "So how long have you got to go?" I stared at her blankly and she added, "You know...your bump..."

F******CKING HELL! Now I know that I have a bit of a tummy but I am telling you right now that I DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT!

"I'm not pregnant...I've already had my baby...seven and a half months ago..." I said looking her squarely in the eye as I didn't want to stare too long at the braces.
"Oh....is it a boy or a girl?" she asked without showing a flicker of embarrassment.

She tried to make conversation but the whole 'You just basically implied that I'm fat and now you want to make small talk with me' vibe hung in the air... Maybe I should have made small talk and asked her what time her parents were coming to collect her....

So of course, I dragged myself hungover to the teeth to Woolworths on Sunday and brought Davina's High Energy Five. I managed to do the warm up and most of the aerobics workout. If only I could turn the sound down so I didn't have to listen to Davina being goofy... I would have done all of the workout, but I was so hot that I was convinced my menopause had arrived early and then the bambino threw a mega strop. I forgot to do it this morning so I shall do my workout this evening instead. Let's not dwell on the fact that I had banoffee pie yesterday and a caramel slice today. I have had a c-section you know!

I'm Doomed Never To Exercise So I Guess I'd Better Have a Mars Bar

A few years ago, back in my single days, I bought an exercise video which I used a few times...OK...I won't lie...I used it once...and then it gathered dust until a couple of days ago when I decided that I really must start doing some exercise. I was just about to order a new dvd (there are just so many to choose from and 99.9% of them done by Z list celebrities who probably had one of those gastro ringy things put in) when I remembered that I actually own several exercise DVDs...all used once...or not at all...

Exercise and I don't really mix. Until I was 27, I had only ever been to a gym once and it was to get my nails done and have a sauna on my 18th birthday. Then I took steroids for my sarcoidosis and gained a lorra lorra water and decided that I had to join the gym. I lasted three months and as soon as it got warm and I kept getting invited to pubs in Soho and pretty much anywhere that involved me not doing any exercise but getting drunk, I stopped going. Then I got sick again and I couldn't actually do very much without being in pain so I cancelled the gym membership.

Roll on almost three years and I've had a c-section (HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN I'VE HAD A C-SECTION? is my favourite line for when I want to escape being in trouble for something with the boyf) and I kept forgetting to do the exercises. The bambino did her best to suck the weight out of me via my breasts but unfortunately I am now responsible for getting a flattish stomach again.

The trouble is that I like food and I live about a three minute walk from Waitrose which is as bad as living close to a Marks and Spencer. I don't do starving, I don't do boring food, and I don't do exercise. Have I mentioned that there is a gym on my corner? I look out the window each day and think "Hmmm, maybe I should join the gym?" and then I take a bite of Waitrose Millionaire Shortbread or my Mars Icecream and think "Ah f*ck it..."

But it's a bit annoying being my old size (size UK 8) with a gut. I've gotten very good at sucking in my tummy. 4 days of hard labour at work (clearly I'm piss taking about the hard labour) got me very practised at hiding my baby tummy.

So stretching to a DVD seemed like a great idea but it seems I am doomed never to exercsise. I put it in the XBox 360 this morning and went straight to the warm up and exercise routine and the fecking thing said "attempting to read the disc". So after waiting a few minutes, I put it on the introduction. This turned out to be a good idea as it shows you some of the basic moves but I realised I'd forgotten to put my trainers on when I kicked out with my leg, brought it back down, and slid across the floor in a split like manouver because I was doing it in my woollen slippers....

Then it froze again on the warm up...

I took it out of the fecking Xbox, wiped the scratches and put it back in. For the next five minutes it wouldn't even get off the title screen until I realised that I'd absentmindedly picked up a different Xbox controller which wasn't turned on so of course I couldn't change anything on the screen.

It froze again so I thought I'd surf the net for a few minutes whilst the bambino rolled around my feet. Then FINALLY fifteen minutes later, the warm up decided to come to life. I leapt up excitedly but seconds later, Micah Bo (some dodgy black guy in too tight cycling shorts and a dodgy vest showing his pecs) went into slow motion robot moves and his instructions started to sound like a robot on its last legs.

"OH F*CK IT! I GIVE UP!" I yelled to no-one and then remembered that the bambino was there.

So it seems I am destined never to exercise. Either that or I need to root out another dvd...

In the meantime, the bambino has been taxing me by throwing up on my mobile phone, pulling the lamp down, refusing to have her lunch, having a hissy fit, refusing to nap, and breaking my chain....

Dreams Can Come True If You Write to Santa

A few weeks ago I wrote to Santy, begging for a "stay of execution" and either there really is a fat, white guy with a long white beard, huge belly, and an ill-fitting red suit, or my company read my letter and thought "Oh I know! We'll totally botch up the whole thing so that she ends up extending her maternity leave!"

Yes, I'm back on maternity leave till April and I've gone and made an outlandish promise to the boyf that I'm going to be a brilliant housewife. Sure, he'll have forgotten all about my wild promises before the week is out....Well at least I hope so! There's not much time for surfing t'internet when you actually do all the housework that you should. I looked at the basket of ironing for the hundredth time in God knows how many months, and I'm seriously contemplating using and ironing service and then removing any evidence by giving them a slight rumple...

The bambino has stopped being suspicious of me. She had a great time with the childminder on Monday and Tuesday but each time she came home she was quite pissy with me and I think it's because she twigged that she hadn't seen me all day. The first time she went with the childminder, she gave me this look that said "What the f do you think you're doing?" and then scowled at me. The boyf came in a moment later and I asked him if she scowled at him too but apparently she blew him a raspberry.

I phoned a few times and she was happy as Larry. "Doesn't she miss me?" I wailed to the boyf.
Then when she finally arrived home, she took one look at me and screamed the place down, scrambling out of the woman's arms to get to me. "Ha! She's redeemed herself!" I said with a giggle to the boyf.

But today it was back to normal and there was no more childminder. She eyed me suspiciously all morning and as a final act of punishment, she quietly threw up all over my feet and herself. Cheeky little thing!

My ma said to me "How does it feel to be unemployed?" I don't understand my ma sometimes. I could explain things till the cows come home but smoke might come out of my ears. You'd never know she's had 4 kids of her own. It's not like she gave birth to us in Victorian times when there was no such thing as 'maternity leave'. Jaysus!

I am soooooooooooooo excited! M and I are going to see Chris Rock on Friday whilst the boyf has a poker night. I actually had no idea till Alan from Random Burblings mentioned it. It is a measure of how out of things I am that I had NO idea that he was coming. After spending more time than I care to remember on the phone to Ticketmaster trying to buy non-existent tickets, Alan hooked us up! Woohoo! I'm dirty laughing already!

Finishing Maternity Leave Has Been an Unmitigated Disaster

My first two days back at work were horrendous, but not for the reason that you would all expect, i.e. missing the bambino. I will have to be diplomatic and a bit cloak and dagger about what has been happening as I don't want to feel the wrath of the mighty corporate media dragon but needless to say, I am one very pissed off not so happy little camper. In fact, I am royally f*cked off.

It goes without saying that travelling to work in London is still full of the great unwashed and on my way home on my first day back, I ended up roaring at idiot man in oversized sunglasses attempting to mow down everyone with his stupid luggage. "TOSSER!!!!!!"

It's like I have never left.

As soon as it is safe to give y'all the full low down, I will, but if you can picture this: You go off on maternity leave for 8.5 months and are told it is imperative that in order to do your new job you must come back on the 2nd Jan. You get to work and there is no desk, no phone, no laptop, and an absence of knowledge and organisation about what the frig you're doing. You spend two days twiddling your thumbs and in the meantime feel pretty damn soul destroyed.

I don't expect to have the red carpet rolled out for me (although I wouldn't stop them if they wanted to) and I don't want to be treated with kid gloves because I have become a mother, but sweet baby Jesus, and the frigging angels! Is it too much to ask for the BASICS?

You go through a serious mind f*ck when you make the decision to go back to work and truth be told, I wouldn't have gone back just yet if it wasn't for the fact that I felt like I would be losing an opportunity too good to miss that could fit around me being a mum. But really, I should have continued with my burying my head in the sand act and let this one bypass me because I have ended up seriously disappointed.

I know that I want to work because if I didn't, I wouldn't be anywhere near as pissed off as I have been and I would just sit there, take the money and go home. But I didn't lose my brain or my ambitions when I pushed out a baby. OK, OK, correction! I had a c-section but I haven't lost the essence of me in ga ga land and stinky nappies.

But this is also a lesson to me because I need to wake up smell the coffee about certain things. Who am I really and what will I be doing with the rest of my professional life?

A friend and colleague said to me in the past few days "NML, the one thing that makes you different is that you always speak the truth and the moment that you stop doing that, the moment it is all over". This can be seen sometimes as confrontational or ball busting but professionally, I don't suffer fools gladly and I won't sit there and make out like we're all in The Sound of Music having a happy clappy time when really we're in a media drive by shooting.

Anyway, I've said enough for now but I will be back with updates.