Cadbury's Creme Bambino and Crackerjack Ma's Not Speaking to Me

Towards the end of the Easter Sunday service, the priest was giving out Cadbury's Creme Eggs. I didn't go up first time around but when he said that there were still loads left, the boyf's mum urged me to go up, knowing how much I love chocolate. I carried the bambino up with me and her eyes lit up as they held out the foil covered egg and she snatched it gleefully, refusing to let it out of her grip. A few minutes later we headed off on the short walk home and I looked in at her in the pushchair where she was still clinging to the egg in worship.

I peaked in at her half way home. "Boyf, you don't think she's managed to break the egg do you?" I said worriedly. It was difficult to see with the raincover and the snow.
He looked in. "Nah..."

Minutes later we were home. I lifted up the raincover and was shocked to be confronted by a guilty looking bambino smeared in chocolate and goo. Somehow, she'd managed to pierce the foil and the egg and there was a ring of goo around her mouth, it was all over her clothes and her hands were unrecognisable! She giggled as she tends to know with all of her almost ten month old spidey senses when she's done something naughty. We took pictures of her and had to carefully bring her inside where we washed the sticky little mischief maker down.

I realise that I have many more times ahead of catching her doing funny things....

In the meantime, crackerjack ma isn't speaking to me. It's day ten and it's been an oddly quiet, drama-free period. Without boring you (and myself) with the details, she's essentially annoyed with me for 1) not allowing her to do and say as she pleases, 2) not thinking what she wants me to think, and 3) calling her on things that she says and does, rather than pretending that it's all hunkydory and giving her free reign to run roughshod over me.

I sometimes get nervous of turning into my ma in my old age until I remind myself that we're very different people and that if I don't want to behave in the same way with the bambino, then I will ensure that I don't.

At the end of the day, it's her loss and by giving me the blankety blank cheque book and pen, it's really the bambino who she is missing out on. As I haven't done anything and she's decided she's not speaking to me, I see no reason to chase her up about it. I'm sure in time she'll decide to get down off the crackpipe highhorse and until then, I will bask in the peace and quiet and be thankful that I'm not the one listening to all of the crackerjack tales and melodramas...

End of the line for my 'career break' and does my forehead say overworked guidance counsellor slave?

Jaysus! I'm rapidly learning that being self-employed and working from home sucks up a lot of time and energy. But...I'm really enjoying it which is lucky because I won't be going back to the Big Scary Media Owner. I think I knew it was game over when my maternity leave was described as a "career break"... Fortunately I was holding all the cards because I hadn't placed all of my eggs in one basket and had made the leap to becoming self-employed...but still...it was a bit much to digest after nearly five years of media slavery (joke!) and bringing in millions of pounds to boot. Ah well! Onwards and upwards!

On the same day that I found out about my accidental "career break', B (long time friend and work colleague) also had her leaving do. It was funny hanging out with my old cronies past and present including Girth (guy who looks like a burglar in tight, high waisted Simon Cowell type trousers and leather gloves who has always insisted I call him 'Girth'...) who made my eyes water with sick stories. I finally managed to escape him and I ended up being given the full lowdown by another guy about his relationship problems and sex antics. What is about me that has people telling me all sorts of unsolicited stuff about themselves?! I didn't know where to look!

The boyf and I have had some funny battles over housework. Apparently because I work from home, it's only natural that I should end up doing the bulk of the chores! "I AM A WORKING WOMAN YOU KNOW! THIS IS LIKE HAVING THREE JOBS! SELF-EMPLOYED, TICK. MOTHER, TICK. SLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE, TICK!" Cue much laughing from both of us but strangely enough, he has started doing more chores around the house. I'm still planning to get a cleaner though.... I might not even tell him and then he can believe I'm superwoman. Hee hee!

'Where's the tumbledryer?' has become the new 'Have you got a boyfriend?'

I'm going to shoot the boyf if he doesn't do all of the things around the house that he swears he's going to do every week. My ma bought us a tumbledryer nearly 3 weeks ago and it's sitting in the workshop outside..in the box. When she gave us the money for it originally she said "Now you'd better buy a tumbledryer. I'll want to see it!"
"Er...it's not like you're going to come around and ask where the tumbledryer is and I'll say it's popped to the shops!" I said in exasperation.

So now what's happening? Every frickin time my ma visits she asks about the tumbledryer! This is just like when I was single and my ma used to ask if I'd found a boyfriend...even if she'd spoken to me the day before! Every week I have to make up ridiculous excuses for my lazy boyf and in today's one I claimed that he'd hurt his neck. This is true (he slipped on the stairs yesterday) but that doesn't explain why he didn't set it up at the weekend. My ma's response? "He wasn't carrying the bambino was he?" and seeing me shake my head "Oh good".

His other 'crimes' include:

Going through a phase of buying 'art' on eBay and now my house is full of unhung paintings, some of which are behind the fridge. Every week he's promised that they will be hung up and they are still exactly where they have been for MONTHS!

Not unpacking his suitcase between trips. At the moment I am testing him to see how long it will take before he twigs that the suitcase fairy hasn't unpacked it and taken out his laundry.

Clogging up the TV harddrive with bloody HD wildlife programmes and then getting all twitchy about what I'm recording!

How many times can one person watch Face Off? Rambo? Demolition Man? and other stupid films that have people like Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal in them that only guys watch?


I got my bank statement this morning and noticed a lot of supermarket purchases. Curious, I added them up and was horrified when I realised that I'd spent £312 last month in my local supermarkets! That doesn't include any cash purchases I may have made or any of the visits the boyf made....I've decided that it's time for me to budget because not budgeting has me going in for a bottle of milk and coming back with £20 worth of groceries that I didn't need before I went in! Anyway...

The bambino is attempting to test my patience by ignoring my requests to behave herself. I know she's only 9 months or so but she understands 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Right now she's gone out to the hall and suddenly realised that the front door makes it a dead end...Moments ago she was in the kitchen playing with the cat flap left by the previous residents and before that she was standing up watching TV at the TV stand and trying to figure out how to remove the Wii...

The boyf accused me of snoring last night. "I was snoring?"I said in disbelief. "Yeah you were!"he said gleefully. "Well I must have cold then!" I said firmly and he cracked up laughing. Well why else would I be snoring....?

I have to go...the bambino is pulling out one nappy wipe after another and eating them....

White socks and black trousers, a nose for a robbery, and not recognising flirting

I dragged myself down to my local Carphone Warehouse yesterday as I desperately needed a new mobile phone. OK, desperately is a bit of an exaggeration...but one phone has been on the blink for the past few weeks due to attack of bambino saliva and the other is my phone from my long-standing employer, The Evergrowing Media Owner. I don't like restrictions or being scared that a whopping bill will arrive for excess charges plus I reason that the new freelancing me needs a phone that can cope with email... I'm sure you can see where this is heading.

Within seconds of speaking to the sales guy, he confessed that he is a white sock and black trouser wearer (I have the heebee jeebees just thinking about it) in response to me telling him off for trying to sell me a pink mobile phone. I like pink but it doesn't define my womanhood and I certainly don't need pink products around the house to balance out the 'manly' looking products. That...and I wanted a Blackberry.

"You'd better not be wearing white socks now or I'm not buying anything off you" I quipped. "It'd be like buying something from a guy with a combover...." and we cracked up laughing.

As I waited for him to finish another sale, I noticed three youths looking a bit dodgy behind me.

"They look a bit dodge...I bet they're casing the joint...God he looks like he hasn't washed for a week...Oh f*ck I think he thinks I'm staring at him...LOOK DOWN...Actually brazen it out and act like you're drooling over the iphone..."

They left a few minutes later and they were promptly forgotten. Half an hour later with the sales guy advised on style tips for dating, I left with my Blackberry. Less than half an hour later I had to go back to the store as the sim card didn't seem to fit and when I got to the door, it was locked. The sales guy appeared at the door looking a bit scared and let me in.

"You having a private party or something?" I joked.
"Remember those guys that looked shifty earlier?"
I nodded warily.
"They just robbed the store and made off with all the iphones!"

I KNEW it! My spidey senses coupled with my detective skills honed on too many episodes of Law and Order and CSI have given me a knack for spotting dodgy youths that rob iPhones.

"Hah!" I said triumphantly to the boyf later. "There you are thinking I'm a snob and it turns out that I'm just a damned good detective!" I declared. "

"Once! You got it right once!" he said in mock exasperation.
"What-e-ver! This is just the one we know about!" I giggled.

"Was that guy flirting with you? Why is he telling you about his white socks and black trouser thing?" the boyf teased.

"Oh pur-lease! Do I look like the type of woman that gets turned on by that sh*t!? He wasn't flirting! He just wanted to chat and get style tips!"

"Oh my God! You don't even know when a guy is flirting with you anymore!" and we cracked up laughing.

To be fair, I am so caught up in my own little world that when guys smile at me, wave, or even beep, I just think they're being...oh I don't know...I didn't even think about it before but it seems like there is some truth to the boyf's statement....

I had to go back to the store this morning because it turns out that there was something wrong with the phone. I left with the newer version which has GPS...at no extra charge. Result!

I have sworn to the boyf that I will not become addicted to my Blackberry.... Did I ever tell you about the Great Blackberry Incident? When I went back to work for four whole days at the beginning of January, in the midst of the debacle, my director took me out for lunch to woo me. The whole frickin time he was on the Blackberry and just as I'm talking about a really sensitive point, his eyes glaze over and I can see him staring behind me. I stopped talking. "Oh sorry...I think I just spotted Lesley Phillips sitting behind you..." I stared at him blankly. "From the Carry On Films...you know 'Oh be-have'...Or maybe it's..." and he continued debating with himself about who it was and then said "I'll just take a picture and send it..." I swear that won't be me!

Is anybody home?

I've been thinking about this blog a lot recently thinking that I missed my old digs. I thought that I would love making a move but I missed this place almost as soon as I left it! This morning I woke up thinking that I wanted to open up shop again and I decided that if it was meant to be, I'd get some sort of sign. I opened up my email and saw another comment about smelly bums (yes people do find this blog via that search) and wondered if this was my sign and then this afternoon I saw that my stalker had left a self-promoting comment directing people to her latest rancid vitriol about me, which is actually a reflection of what she really thinks about herself and I had my 'A-Ha' moment.

I don't like being bullied. Hell, no-one does, but as I mentioned on the one other occasion that I openly discussed my stalker (actually she's not 'mine', she's several people's....) it is difficult not to feel anything, even in the face of madness and knowing that they're talking out of their arse. So actually she's done me a huge favour because I realise that there's no peace in stepping back. Anyway...enough about that!

So what's been going on for the past six weeks?

Well the boyf has been travelling loads (Germany and Canada) which gives me an opportunity to bitch at him just for the hell of it. I've been locked out twice (shame on me that it happened AGAIN today), and I even had the misfortune to collapse in Waitrose, which was caused by food poisoning...I did get a free basket of shopping though....

I have finally used the fact that I'm on maternity leave to start freelancing and despite sniping about time management issues, I'm really enjoying being self-employed. Ooh, that sounds so nice when I say it! I have clients and all sorts!

When I went on my little break, aside from feeling a bit weary, I realised I needed to bite the bullet and run my other blogs properly as they were taking a lot of energy but I wasn't being business minded. So...I launched my first ebook just over a week ago which means that my previous poor taste in men and my dating and relationship insights are being used to publish and sell my own ebooks. Yay! It's quite surreal stepping back in time to darker periods of my life and now I'm using them to help others and I'm really enjoying it! They say that the pen is mightier than the sword and it's actually fun to take the mick out of exes!

Speaking of exes, the boyf and I were telling stories about ours yesterday and we were howling with laughter! It is so great to be totally at ease with someone and not be frightened that he's going to have a jealous hissy fit. I remember saying to Mr Brown Suit (my ex fiance) that I I'd jump Colin Farrell, Morris Chestnut, or Tyson Beckford if they knocked on my door and he didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening! It's nice to be chilled and secure. To be fair, it's a bit late for jealousy as we have a baby together! I can hardly believe it's two years since we kept peeking at each other across a room full of board games!

Oh and the bambino is crawling and the boyf won the longstanding bet as she said 'dada' first....I'll never live it down...I can't believe she's been here for 9 months!

So, I'm back. Really back!