Hmmm I'm a Housewife, Countdown to Family Drama

It was 9.30 last night and I finished putting away all of the clean laundry, I suddenly thought "F*cking hell! I'm a bloody housewife!" Now before anyone gets the wrong idea, I was not doing housework all day into the dead of night and instead I am a 'victim' of my own pisspoor time management. There were invites to sort for the impending christening, blogging to do, a 45 minute bitching session with Nac, amongst other pressing matters... As I listened to the bro explain lengthily about his love of Girls of the Playboy Mansion and "booty clapping" to the boyf, I stopped feeling worried that not going to work is making my brain go soft....

With less than 3 weeks to go until the bambino's christening, it is only a matter of time till I go into meltdown. Sometimes it feels like we're always in the middle of the next big thing. As I visusalise most of our families coming together, (the boyf's, my ma's, and my dads) I hear circus music as this has the possibility of fireworks...explosions even... This is going to be one big crackfest and I'm curious as to what's going to go down.

Will my ma and dad be speaking to each other or will she be scared that he'll show her up like he did at my birthday? Will there be fight for Caribbean or African supremacy? Will there be a dance off? Will the bambino do a poo during the baptism? Who will get pissed out of their head and say something inappropriate? Will the grandmothers be competing? Will my ma be having a hot date? Will the boyf and I be hiding at the back of the room snickering to ourselves at the mayhem of our beloved friends and family? Will there be a fight for the jerk chicken and patties? Cue dramatic music and closing credits.... Hmm I may need a holiday after this christening...or a security detail....

Ooh, before I forget...I am finally getting round to redesigning my blog so if you land here over the next few days and think I'm on crack, it's just a temporary glitch...

Wedding Shenanigans

On Saturday we attended another wedding, this time with my friend and work colleague Q and her husband. I'm sure that the boyf and her husband were feeling nervous as they know how much we can misbehave...and we certainly didn't let them down...

The wedding was due to start at 12.30 "European Time not Sierra Leone Time" it specified on the invite. The boyf was still in the shower at 12.30 and at 12.45, Q called to say that they were in the pub. When we finally rocked up at 2pm with the bambino in tow, the wedding had only started ten minutes beforehand... Of course by then, the bambino was due for a feed and after cooing along (yet again) during the vows, she went into one of her hunger hissy fits and I had to rush her out of the church. As I fed her in the car, an elderly man took a good peek at my boob in the car and when he passed it he looked back, so I yelled out the window "Are you getting a good enough view?!" He quickened his pace and there was no more looking back!

As luck would have it, we were all sitting together and we had a good giggle whilst the bambino had a snooze in her car seat. As the speeches started, the bambino woke up, so the boyf and his bro whisked her off. Admittedly us ladies were a bit bored with the speeches which seemed to go on forever because they were open mic. However, much giggling ensued when the bride opened up her speech by thanking her boss (Q's husband) for coming along at the top of her speech! As we continued to snort with laughter, he gave us one of those warning looks, so we calmed ourselves down. Then an elderly woman did a heartfelt speech and at the end, we heard Q say "Ooh, she rhymed!" which made us collapse in giggles again.

AM, my future sister-in-law and I became engrossed in a whispered conversation with one ear on the speeches, when we both froze in horror as the words took root in our mind. "...she has waited eleven years...both have waited...she came to me when there were problems in the relationship. At one point things were not working out between them....Told her to have faith in the Lord and not to lose her virtue..." Q, AM, and I looked at each other in horror and I looked around at the guests and felt the air being sucked out of the room. Q and AM were clutching me and we were trying so hard not to laugh. This woman had just told the entire wedding party that the bride was a virgin and was pretty much airing out their private dirty laundry in public! Then the words of the groom "We have waited a very long time for this day..." and the father of the bride "I asked her what she wanted to do now that she had graduated and she said she wanted to get married and I told her NO" all came rushing back to me. At the first opportunity, we made a hasty exit from the room so that we could let out the pent-up laughter.

After dropping the bambino home to her grandpa (we didn't waste much time in availing of his babysitting services) we headed back to the reception with AM and the boyf's bro. Q had been carted off home as she was quite drunk after being on the vino since lunchtime, so it was left to AM and I to pick up the troublesome reins. I leaped to my feet when I heard MJ and we hit the dancefloor, checking to make sure the boyf wasn't looking before breaking out a few MJ moves. We were the only people on the dancefloor so it was quite funny when people started clapping. The DJ was pretty awful so nobody danced very much, and it's unfortunate that we'll be remembered as the girls who raced up to the dancefloor when LL Cool J's "Doin It" and Akon's "I wanna love you" which turned out to be "I wanna %$*% you"... Clearly I was overexcited by being out as I even danced on my own at our table whilst we waited for AM to return from the bathroom before we left.

We decided to go home and as we said our goodbyes, AM and I stopped to talk to the groom who was in his evening garb of traditional African dress. His mother was standing behind him in a long evening dress with a fishtail (not literally) that would have done Crystal Carrington from Dynasty proud. As we chatted, I found myself staring through the cut-outs of his top and seeing his nipples and chest hair. Before I knew it, I heard a mental thought becoming a verbal one as I said "Oooh, you don't have anything on underneath your top!" He and his mother stared at me in amusement as AM and I started to howl with laughter. Thank goodness they were good humoured about it as AM and I were carted off by our boyfriends. Outside, the boyf and his bro were cracking up laughing as we recounted the days entertainment. As we tried to pull out of our parking space, a woman advised us that a car had broken down and we'd have to maneuver around it and for some reason this made us laugh even harder.

At home as my head swam and tried to get out of my heels, I said to the boyf "I didn't make a show of you did I?" and he laughed and said "God no. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself!" and as I wobbled around he added "Will I help you upstairs..." and I thought 'Thank God I have a boyfriend who is chilled out and let's me be myself' followed very quickly by 'Hmmm, I wonder if they're consummating their marriage yet....'