Wedding Shenanigans

On Saturday we attended another wedding, this time with my friend and work colleague Q and her husband. I'm sure that the boyf and her husband were feeling nervous as they know how much we can misbehave...and we certainly didn't let them down...

The wedding was due to start at 12.30 "European Time not Sierra Leone Time" it specified on the invite. The boyf was still in the shower at 12.30 and at 12.45, Q called to say that they were in the pub. When we finally rocked up at 2pm with the bambino in tow, the wedding had only started ten minutes beforehand... Of course by then, the bambino was due for a feed and after cooing along (yet again) during the vows, she went into one of her hunger hissy fits and I had to rush her out of the church. As I fed her in the car, an elderly man took a good peek at my boob in the car and when he passed it he looked back, so I yelled out the window "Are you getting a good enough view?!" He quickened his pace and there was no more looking back!

As luck would have it, we were all sitting together and we had a good giggle whilst the bambino had a snooze in her car seat. As the speeches started, the bambino woke up, so the boyf and his bro whisked her off. Admittedly us ladies were a bit bored with the speeches which seemed to go on forever because they were open mic. However, much giggling ensued when the bride opened up her speech by thanking her boss (Q's husband) for coming along at the top of her speech! As we continued to snort with laughter, he gave us one of those warning looks, so we calmed ourselves down. Then an elderly woman did a heartfelt speech and at the end, we heard Q say "Ooh, she rhymed!" which made us collapse in giggles again.

AM, my future sister-in-law and I became engrossed in a whispered conversation with one ear on the speeches, when we both froze in horror as the words took root in our mind. "...she has waited eleven years...both have waited...she came to me when there were problems in the relationship. At one point things were not working out between them....Told her to have faith in the Lord and not to lose her virtue..." Q, AM, and I looked at each other in horror and I looked around at the guests and felt the air being sucked out of the room. Q and AM were clutching me and we were trying so hard not to laugh. This woman had just told the entire wedding party that the bride was a virgin and was pretty much airing out their private dirty laundry in public! Then the words of the groom "We have waited a very long time for this day..." and the father of the bride "I asked her what she wanted to do now that she had graduated and she said she wanted to get married and I told her NO" all came rushing back to me. At the first opportunity, we made a hasty exit from the room so that we could let out the pent-up laughter.

After dropping the bambino home to her grandpa (we didn't waste much time in availing of his babysitting services) we headed back to the reception with AM and the boyf's bro. Q had been carted off home as she was quite drunk after being on the vino since lunchtime, so it was left to AM and I to pick up the troublesome reins. I leaped to my feet when I heard MJ and we hit the dancefloor, checking to make sure the boyf wasn't looking before breaking out a few MJ moves. We were the only people on the dancefloor so it was quite funny when people started clapping. The DJ was pretty awful so nobody danced very much, and it's unfortunate that we'll be remembered as the girls who raced up to the dancefloor when LL Cool J's "Doin It" and Akon's "I wanna love you" which turned out to be "I wanna %$*% you"... Clearly I was overexcited by being out as I even danced on my own at our table whilst we waited for AM to return from the bathroom before we left.

We decided to go home and as we said our goodbyes, AM and I stopped to talk to the groom who was in his evening garb of traditional African dress. His mother was standing behind him in a long evening dress with a fishtail (not literally) that would have done Crystal Carrington from Dynasty proud. As we chatted, I found myself staring through the cut-outs of his top and seeing his nipples and chest hair. Before I knew it, I heard a mental thought becoming a verbal one as I said "Oooh, you don't have anything on underneath your top!" He and his mother stared at me in amusement as AM and I started to howl with laughter. Thank goodness they were good humoured about it as AM and I were carted off by our boyfriends. Outside, the boyf and his bro were cracking up laughing as we recounted the days entertainment. As we tried to pull out of our parking space, a woman advised us that a car had broken down and we'd have to maneuver around it and for some reason this made us laugh even harder.

At home as my head swam and tried to get out of my heels, I said to the boyf "I didn't make a show of you did I?" and he laughed and said "God no. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself!" and as I wobbled around he added "Will I help you upstairs..." and I thought 'Thank God I have a boyfriend who is chilled out and let's me be myself' followed very quickly by 'Hmmm, I wonder if they're consummating their marriage yet....'

Early Signs of Labour Equals No Hot Action for NML

I am on tenterhooks because not only is the bambino now full term (I'm over the 37 week mark), but it seems that I may be having some early signs of labour for the past few days. The doc said "Hmmm, it seems like this baby will make an appearance sooner rather than later!" to which I said "Er...I don't think I'm ready yet. We haven't moved...I need to read up on labour a bit more...I've just got over the shock of my antenatal classes...I was going to spend the next few weeks getting mentally ready for the pain...Oh f*ck! Oops, excuse my language!"

The boyf of course now watches my face and every move and even before the little pains, I haven't been able to call him without him being silent and tense initially on the phone. I finally got to the bottom of it...
"Hello, is it a bad time to speak? Have you got someone at your desk?" I demanded to the silence.
"No.... It's just that each time you call, I think you're going to tell me you're in labour!"
"And you think I'd take this frigging long to tell you? Trust me, if I go into labour, you'll KNOW about it as soon as you answer my call! I'll be screaming at you to get your arse home PRONTO!"

Of course I compounded matters by popping out for an hour and leaving my phone behind. Luckily I was with a friend and the boyf called, stressed to the max as he had been trying to call me. Ooops!

Of course now that all of this is happening, I haven't a cats hope in hell of the boyf coming anywhere near me as he's afraid that any 'action' at this point may bring on labour. If for some reason, the baby hasn't arrived by the 40 weeks stage, THEN and only then will I be allowed to reignite my sex kitten status. Of course, by then I'll be like a frigging beached whale... Of course now that I'm not going to get any action, I have started thinking about it a lot and I may just pester him later for the hell of it. It'll be funny to see him get all stressy and scared!

I have packed my hospital bag and the bambino's little bag and I've made sure to try on the night gear as I don't want people to be visiting me with by boobs popping out all over the place.

Now considering the emails I get from readers when I don't update, demanding to know if I have given birth, don't all be getting too excited and thinking that the bambino is turning up any minute. It could still be ages before she turns up and it could all be a false alarm!

Sex Kitten Achieves Clown Status

So clearly I should have read some of the comments on my previous post before trying to reignite my sex kitten status... After getting out of the shower, I decided to put on my va-va-voom Victoria Secret silk nightdress, or should I say negligee. Considering that I'm one week away from being 9 months pregnant and I had just got out of the shower so my body had probably swelled a little, I should have realised that I was being more than a touch delusional. I clumsily put my legs into the negligee and when it started to approach my thighs, I did think that things felt a bit tight but continued on regardless. I tried to pull it up further and after the traitorous negligee hesitated on my arse, I decided that it was time to accept that the bump was NEVER going to fit inside it!

Still I tried one last time and it became wedged around the bump, so I tried to pull it back down and the fecking thing was stuck and wouldn't go over my arse. Let's just say that I wouldn't describe myself as nimble at the moment, so I struggled and careered around the bathroom trying to get the stupid thing off me. The bambino of course, chose that moment to start kicking away... Eventually I gave in...

"Boyf! Look what I've done!" and I padded into the bedroom where he nearly pissed himself laughing.

Sex kitten? More like Bobo the frickin clown!

Stay At Home Almost Mum, Mad Mothers, Neighbouring Sex and Labour Fears

I've been signed off sick from work which means I won't be going back until the 19th at the earliest. I had attempted to go back to work yesterday morning for a company meeting (the company I work for has been sold for the third time in about 3 minutes…oh ok 9 months…) but found myself having appalling dizzy spells on the train. At one point it felt like I was being sucked into the seat. Bad as public transport is, it's not that frickin bad that the seats are collapsing… On the tube I got progressively worse but the distance to work was closer than turning around and going home.

Of course as soon as I got into work everyone pointed out that I didn't look well. Despite my best efforts to look foxy and feign chirpiness, they were fussing over me like a load of grannies within seconds. My boss advised me pretty much straight away to go home when the meeting was over. Initially I was suspicious as pregnancy hormones do induce that feeling and I wondered if they were trying to get rid of me. Not for any dodgy reason, but it would probably be for something like trying to make sure that I don't get to have any of the biscuits, Minstrels, Maltesers and Wine Gums. They are that bloody desperate!

As it happened, my doctor phoned and advised that my blood test results were back and that I had to go home and stay home as I'm anaemic. To be honest, I just felt relieved that I wasn't cracking up as permanently feeling like Sally the frickin Sailor on a rocky ship is not my thang.

At the company meeting, it was the usual saying lots of stuff but not really much of anything and of course my bladder decided to show me up. I had to get up and leave the room in front of everyone to go for a wee and there were hoards of people standing at the back so it was incredibly awkward as I waddled, bladder full through the crowd saying 'Excuse me…sorry…Oh excuse me…' and tried to squeeze the bump through gaps. It felt like that scene in the Nutty Professor when he tries to squeeze through all of the students in the lecture theatre. Of course I tried to pee quickly because I didn't want people to think I was doing a #2 but this is virtually impossible when you have a bump sitting right on your bladder. Then I had to go through the whole Nutty Professor moment to get back to my seat. Sigh…

The idea of being at home is to rest, recoup and minimise stress which makes me a complete numpty because I let my mum call around earlier. After talking the ears off me she told me off for there being some dust on the coffee table. Merciful frickin hour! The worst thing is was that I actually got out of bed and had a quick tidy of the flat before she arrived! She actually made me feel like running back to work!

Fortunately my step sister is staying with me so she was able to be a good buffer. I should point out that this is my 18 year old one not the 14 year old sister that my dad sprang on me last year…at a christening…

The boyf is in Dublin till Friday and he had a dodgy nights sleep at the hotel last night when he was woken up by what he thought were tremors and vibrations. It turned out to be the neighbouring room which had two people shagging like the clappers. He had to put his earphones in to drown out the moaning. He also has a guy that seems to be taking a keen interest in him – Do guys normally introduce themselves to you in the toilet at work and insist on shaking wet hands? Do they keep staring at you whenever they see you?

I have this recurring daymare where I only get to attend one antenatal class (probably the one where they do introductions and basic stuff) and the baby arrives before I get to have anymore classes. I won't know how to prime the knockers up for breastfeeding or how to push out the baby. Imagine going into labour early and me screaming at them "You'll have to postpone this till I got to my second class!" {{{Shudder}}} This is what happens when you live in London and they only let you start your classes a month before your due date....