It’s hardly top secret but ‘the boyf’ has that name for a reason – we’re not married. Now I know I used to be an unwitting commitment-phobe but really, I’m very much over that. There’s nothing dodgy about why we haven’t got married but between two kids in quick succession, moving, credit crunch, and me becoming self-employed a couple of years ago, I have to say, getting married hasn’t been high on the agenda. But sweet baby Jesus and the angels, people keep asking ‘So when are you getting married?’ and sometimes it really gets on my nerves.
This one time, in bandcamp (joking), a close friend interrogated me for nearly 20 minutes over the phone about why we hadn’t got married yet. By the end, I half expected to look down and see myself tied up whilst the chair got dragged across the room to a makeshift alter where the boyf would be waiting also gagged and bound. I mean hell, I know we give a good par-tay, but it felt like it was seriously bothering her, and if I’m truthful, I find myself wary of getting on the phone with her for longer than a few minutes…
Another friend recently asked when we were getting married and I deadpanned ‘We already are’ and they looked genuinely panicked for a moment that we may have got married behind their back without saying anything.
For the most part, I use the opportunity of people’s nosiness to take the p*ss a bit and I certainly don’t feel pressured, but it is very irritating to have people project their insecurities. I’m not suggesting people can’t ask but I do wonder why people ask dumb questions like this.
Just like when I was single and people would ask in barely disguised ‘morbid’ curiosity ‘Why are you still single?’ as if expecting me to reveal secret horns and a tail, or at least a flaw that could explain it all away and make them comfortable, the questions come because when they imagine themselves in my position, they believe they’d be worried.
I’m sure it’s also because they think we’ll get a karaoke machine in for the occasion…
Aside from those two questions, it’s right up there with ‘So when are you two going to have kids?’ Clearly no-one asks us this but I don’t know why it never occurs to people that asking dumb questions might actually touch on private, sensitive issues. It’s not nice to feel like you have to explain or justify yourself, that’s why I’ve gone for the take the p*ss route.
Do we believe in marriage? Yes of course we do. Despite the fact that our kids have eight grandparents because our own parents clearly liked breaking up and getting remarried (they’re also spread all over the world – China, South Africa, Sierra Leone, London, and er…Wolverhampton), we’re not scared of it simply because we know we’re not the same as our parents and have dealt with our own issues prior to getting together.
We know how we want to get married and to be honest, the whole shuffling down to the registry office and doing it on the quiet isn’t our thing. We did contemplate it when we got knocked up for the second time and then realised we’d be doing it to please everyone else. Obviously we know it’s not all about the party, but we’re not going to get married out of pressure.
Most of my aunts aren’t married and late last year after asking one of them if she was getting married this year to her partner and getting a roll of the eyes followed by “And when’s your chap getting your ring?” I replied “I’m like that kid waiting for Christmas. Every day I’m thinking ‘Ooh, is today the day?’ and I’m ready to do a swoon and some mock surprise! ” and we all fell around laughing.
But really, I’m not doing that!
I know people who look at bridal magazines and have everything mapped out, ready to kick in to action the moment that the ring appears. I haven’t looked at a bridal magazine since I was engaged to Mr Brown Suit. I had a Carrie from Sex In the City moment, where I came over all itchy and panicky. You’d think that and the fact that I wondered what it would be like to slip out the bathroom window at the restaurant on the night we got engaged was a sign itself of how wrong that whole saga was – hilarious!
But, I do use my non-married status to say ‘I don’t see no ring on this finger!’ a la Eddie Murphy style when I want to annoy the boyf or make excuses about why I ‘forgot’ to do something. Hmmmm, I wonder if that’s why we’re not married….;-)
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I understand your gripe as I’m in the same situ with my gf. We’re happy, we plan to get married when we feel like it and yet people can’t handle that. They think there’s something wrong! I should point out that a lot of these people that comment are in bad marriages! Don’t let them pressure you!
So, er, when are you getting married????